Esmae when you look at your own reflection what do you feel?
Do you like your own body? Are you satisfied with how you look? Can you stand looking at yourself? Do you disgust yourself?
I hated my hair because it was not common among where I live, people would pay attention to me and as a shy kid I didn't like it. My hair would always get touched without permission then they would compliment me, telling me I have pretty hair as if it would dismiss my discomfort caused by their actions.
Because of this I used to frequently hide my hair, I hated the attention given to me because I was different. I remember a kid making fun of me because of my race and hair, I complained to my father about it and I doubt the teacher didn't know but I had to deal with it until that kid moved away.
Maybe 9 or 10 years old, around that time I grew to dislike my skin colour. I was made fun of being dark because of my race when in reality my skin tone was lighter then the ones who made those comments, either way I ended up searching for ways to lighten my skin tone, to be as fair as possible.
When I was 11 I became aware of beauty standards and how my peers cared about appearance. People started to care about how they look and celebrities. I began watching videos online and learning what was considered attractive, based on this I looked my reflection and realised that I didn't fit society's beauty standards.
I started thinking my nose is too big, I am too short, my torso is too long, my neck is too short, my normal healthy weight is fat.
When I was 12 I had acne, it made me feel like the most disgusting person who existed and I wanted to claw my skin off. It starts off with two or three but as time goes on it was all over my face, no one else really had acne problems like I do at 12 so I felt alone.
After I graduated primary school, I stayed at home and rotted during the holidays, never leaving the house. Then I went to secondary school where miraculously I was invisible, people barely paid any attention to me so I began relax since there was no pressure.
Now although I have come to accept what I see in the mirror I still have a hard time loving it. I no longer hated the way I look but I cannot embrace my body confidently either. There is a part of me that still fear being see as disgusting.