Nathan can't distinguish between his laughter and his sobs. Elma weakly shakes his head side to side.
_He told me the truth.
Nathan doesn't know what to feel.
When terror has seized his body, yet anger still boils within...
When his love has been rejected, yet still persists...
_What truth?
Elma's bloodied lips move like a fish out of water, but no sound emerges. It takes him a long moment to muster the strength to respond.
_Hah... Isn't it hilarious?... They only answer me... when I please them. So this is how whores feel!
Anger overwhelms all other emotions in Nathan.
_Elma! Don't talk nonsense! What resemblance do you have to... to some whore?!
Elma's hand delivers a weak, meaningless tap to Nathan's chest. As if saying: Let it be. The corners of his lips curve up again.
_Nathan... do you know what the director said to piss me off?
Nathan's silence allows him to hurt himself further.
_He told me... 'You do it with everyone anyway. What difference does it make... whether it's on camera or not? With one person or two?' He was sure I'd enjoy it... heh..
His words gradually trail off, as if going astray.
As if it doesn't matter who's listening.
His eyes no longer see Nathan.
No longer see anything.
_Maybe I would've liked it if it were of camera... Who knows? He wasn't lying... I sleep with everyone. With everyone... I do it... haah... Nathan... you should stop loving me.
_Stop. Don't say these things.
How long it's going to take??
_You should stop... you must... How can you...? Last night I fucked Callum! I don't even remember who it was the night before! Hahaha! How can you?! HOW...
Nathan's trembling hands grasp Elma's blotchy face. His eyes still don't see Nathan. His lips seem to form unintelligible words...
But Nathan doesn't wait.
Without pressure or hesitation, he kisses him - unsure if it's right or not.
Is this also considered abuse or not?
It's the only thing he can do, so he does it.
Finally, for a few seconds, Elma's lips stop trembling and his eyes flicker with glimpses of awareness.
Elma is grounded again, and sees Nathan.
_You... aren't wrong. None of this is your fault... I know you. I'm certain... I know who you are! You're not dirty, not a whore... none of these things...
He pauses. He really doesn't know whether these are the things that he believes in, or the thing he wanted to believe in.The words seem painful to utter.
_That's not you. If you ask me... you're just an innocent little boy, Elma.
The words echo in Elma's mind:
None of this is your fault.
You're not wrong.
None of this...
You're just an innocent little boy.
No, now he knows.
And this is what Nathan truly believes.
Elma shakes his head. More violently. No. No... no...
That's not how it is. You're mistaken...
And the tears... tears that carry away fragments of his soul... flow freely now.
He wants to speak.
No, I'm the one who's wrong!
But the only sound that escapes his throat is too broken to convey meaning.
He can't stop it now. Even if only minutes of his life remain. Even if his lungs don't have enough breath left for crying.
His hiccuping sobs tell Nathan:
I'm still eight years old.
I'm still thirteen.
I'm still fifteen.
This knife was my reward after coming out of surgery.
When I didn't die.
I've wanted to die ever since then. Don't you know?
Nathan, can't you see? I want to die.
Why won't you let me die? Please...
How can I let someone I love die?
Elma's head grows dizzy and Nathan's head spins.
Not much consciousness remains, so he settles for whispering:
_Nathan... remember? Remember how... rough he was with me? Remember? Remember how many times you had to take me to the hospital after being with him? I always thought... something was strange... something wasn't right... even before that incident happened...
Nathan sees his lips and chin tremble at the memory.
_Because I... sometimes I saw it... that he was afraid. That he pitied me... When he hurt me like that... I thought it meant he loved me...
It's impossible that Nathan doesn't remember. Elma knows this. They both know.
His head falls to one side, resting on Nathan's hand. His eyes no longer have the strength to stay open, and his lips tremble and struggle around the words. For a moment, Nathan recalls a horrifying memory and his breath catches in his throat.
_When they were there... all of them... those five...
Hot tears once again cover his broken face. Nathan feels something burning in his own eyes too. He wishes he could cover Elma's mouth and stop these words.
_I didn't understand... my mouth was gagged... but he... he mostly just watched...
The boy's chest heaves rapidly beneath his hands, yet no air seems to reach him.
The images from Nathan's nightmares come alive before his eyes. Something wet now streaks his own face too.
_I didn't understand... no... he told me... he told me he was also encouraged by my father... said he'd enjoyed it... but it wasn't his choice. He said it himself...
This time, Nathan's gasp is louder. It feels like an iron rod has been driven through his skull.
Elma's whisper grows weaker, then fades entirely. He's using his last breaths just to speak the truth.
So at least one person would know what was done to him.
Nathan speaks in broken fragments:
_I didn't know...
The near-corpse expression on Elma's face shifts in a way that suggests he might laugh, but he lacks the strength.
_Hmm? He came to... destroy the last shreds of my pride... to make me someone with no boundaries left... so I could do anything... sleep with anyone... kneel before anyone... submit to anything... just because...
His lips remain parted in midair.
Then the corners of his mouth twitch upward again. Nathan's trembling hand touches his cheek, then recoils in horror at the feel of his lips - cold and blue.
_How didn't you know?... I lost it all... when I was fifteen. Anyone who comes... leaves empty-handed.
Moving stiffly, Nathan gathers him into his arms. The boy's body lies limp and boneless against him, as if his very limbs are disintegrating.
He wishes...
He could nail himself to Elma.
Maybe then they wouldn't have to see any of this.
Now his chest burns worse than ever before.
You have to save him. You have to save him... You can't lose him this time! You've failed enough already!
He lifts the corpse-like body from the bed. The ambulance must have arrived by now...
It has to...
But then a fading whisper reaches his ear:
_Nathan... I don't want to go back to Moscow... don't want to be here... don't... want...to...be...
The last words are barely audible, but Nathan hears them.
They're the worst things he's ever heard.
Elma's words seem to brand themselves into his flesh and blood, burning there.
He cracks, but doesn't break.
Can't break, because he feels Elma's faint tremors against his shoulder.
Time is running out. The small body in his arms grows completely still. All his strength spent on those final words.
_I'll stay with you, wherever you go. Even if we return to Moscow, I'll get you out of that hell. Okay? Just stay with me. Okay?
He gets no answer, doesn't even hear breathing now.
His voice takes on the terrified tone of a little boy:
_Stay with me... okay??...
Then he carries him from the dark room as fast as he possibly can.
****