Chapter 12: Lubricant Gel
Eikou fell silent once more.
"Then… what I care about most right now is probably… girls."
"Tch."
Mordred made a helpless face like, 'You're just like the rest of those guys in the Round Table. Don't you have anything new or interesting to say?'
"What? If you want sweet talk, I can spout tons of that, but I chose to be honest with you, that's why I said it like that." Eikou quickly explained.
"Yeah yeah," Mordred waved her hand, "so don't tell me you came here to work as a massage therapist just because of some pervy thoughts like that, huh? Wanting to massage beautiful women and all…?"
"You're overthinking it. I only work here to earn money. Although… it's true I once fantasized about that wonderful possibility, the reality is it's just a bunch of old middle-aged uncles coming here to relax."
Eikou continued seriously:
"I bet you, the next person who walks in is definitely going to be some old man with osteoporosis, someone like James Moriarty."
"It's just that…"
"There's still a tiny sliver of hope in my heart — like if a miracle were to happen, maybe… a beautiful woman would show up instead...?"
BANG!!
Before he could finish speaking, heavy footsteps suddenly echoed outside the VIP room, accompanied by the clinking of metal — armor clashing.
For some reason, from those footsteps alone, Eikou could feel an overwhelming pressure, like a giant predator approaching.
Click! The VIP room door burst open as if swept away by a violent wind.
A massive figure cloaked in killing intent stood at the entrance — that person wore a skull mask, clad in dark armor engulfed in blue ghost fire. His gloomy blue eyes merely glanced at Eikou...
"——Is this the VIP room Beni-Enma mentioned?"
Holy shit! This ain't no beautiful woman! This is KING HASSAN! The terrifying old man that even Tiamat would cry upon seeing!!
The Grand Assassin!! Why the hell is he here? Don't tell me he came to assassinate someone?!
"Y-yes, sir..." Eikou stammered in reply, face distorted in shock:
"S-sir, what brings you here…?"
"I am the Mountain King, sent by the request of Chaldea Academy to teach. They have temporarily arranged for me to rest in this VIP room at Enma-tei. And who are you?"
The Mountain King's voice was aged yet thunderous like a landslide.
Even though his words carried no explicit threat, the sheer weight of his voice made one feel crushed by a mountain.
Unbelievable… a Grand is going to teach at Chaldea?!
This is a 21st-century school — all the Servants have already changed into modern uniforms, so why is he the only one still keeping that terrifying assassin look? Is this what they call the image burden of a Grand Servant?
No no no, the issue now isn't that — the issue is, are you seriously going to have to massage the Mountain King?! Is this real life?
"OOOOH...!"
Suddenly, from beneath the Mountain King's grim mask came a thunderous roar, and the blue flames instantly flared up.
Eikou's nerves snapped taut.
Shit… I'm fucked, what now, is he about to go on a killing spree?!
The Mountain King's giant frame suddenly leaned back, gripping his shoulders, and then let out a deep guttural bellow.
"OOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!"
A while later, the Mountain King stopped.
Then, the two just stared at each other in silence.
…So he was just stretching?! That noise nearly gave me a damn heart attack!
After getting scared over and over, Eikou felt like his heart was about to give out.
"So then… would this guest like a massage service?"
Eikou asked carefully.
Even though he really wanted to turn around and run right now, quitting would mean losing his job. Though he doubted the Mountain King would let anyone touch him, at the very least he still had to ask — basic customer service manners and all that.
"Is that your mission?" the Mountain King asked.
"I think so..."
"Then I leave it to you. Do not slack off in your duty."
Eikou thought to himself, I was just asking, why the hell are you already lying down? Mountain King, do you really have to cooperate this seriously? If your fans saw this, they'd probably curse the author for being some blind-ass Type-Moon heretic, messing up your characterization. Even with the excuse of a youthful comedy setting, it might not be enough to save face.
Eikou slapped his palm against his forehead, thinking to himself that he was doomed.
'I'm screwed. I have to serve the Grand Assassin.'
If he didn't serve him properly, he might just get his head chopped off.
Could someone come break this situation up? Anyone will do, as long as they can break this stalemate…
"Boom, boom!"
Heavy thuds echoed again outside the VIP room.
Moments later, a massive mammoth-like creature approached and lowered its head to peek inside the VIP room.
It was none other than Ivan the Terrible, Lostbelt King!
"Is this the VIP room that Beni-Enma spoke of?"
Ivan the Terrible's deep, imperial voice rumbled through the room.
Eikou was on the verge of tears…
"I deeply apologize," Eikou said awkwardly, "the VIP room is currently at full capacity, please return later to make a reservation."
"I'm not here to sleep. I came to enjoy the massage service."
As he said that, he immediately followed Mountain King's example and lay down on the massage bed beside him.
CRACK! The massage bed was crushed under his weight, but Ivan the Terrible didn't seem to care at all.
"???"
It's over. There was absolutely no escape now.
"Hey, what are you planning to do?"
Mordred stood beside him and asked, "These two clearly look like total headaches."
"Haha, not really, don't they seem kinda cute...?"
"Cute? How the hell do you even see them that way? Are you insane?"
Eikou pointed at King Hassan beside him: "Look at this guy, he's a badass grandpa!"
Then pointed toward Ivan the Terrible: "And this one's a furry!"
He concluded, "See? Just change how you refer to them, and don't they seem a lot more friendly? I like badass grandpas, and I'm also a furry fan — now I've got both sides I love. I'm totally winning here."
"Get a grip, one's a Grand Servant and the other's a Lostbelt King."
"…No, no it's fine. It's just Mountain King, a brute, not worth worrying about," he said. "And Ivan the Terrible, to be honest, his frozen land was basically just a stepping stone for the later Lostbelts — had zero dignity at all."
After that, Eikou shoved his head into the drawer containing the cupping therapy set, like an ostrich burying its head in the sand.
"…Farewell, I'm going to ride a time machine to another singularity! Sayonara Dora-Mo-chan!"
"You're so scared you can't face reality anymore!"
Mordred yanked Eikou out of the drawer and said, "Calm down. Even if they look scary, they don't seem to have any intention of killing. As long as you give it your all and use the best massage service possible to satisfy them, everything will be fine."
"The best massage service possible… to satisfy them…?"
He calmed down a bit, glanced at Mountain King, then turned to look at Ivan the Terrible.
Then he thought of that social party that required 3000QP — glory always came with danger.
"…It's tough, but I can give it a try."
One minute later, Eikou returned carrying a waterbed and a bottle of massage gel.
Mordred was speechless.
He silently laid down the waterbed and poured the gel into a basin.
"Well, first I'm going to stir the gel properly..."
Blushing bright red, Mordred punched him.
"What kind of service are you even planning to give them?! Where the hell did you learn that kind of massage — don't tell me you've been to some shady places?!"
"I've never gone to any of those places! I just thought they were covered in dust and I wanted to sanitize and clean them a bit, that's all!"
Eikou explained seriously:
"…Besides, I heard that men have no resistance to lubricant gel. Who knows, maybe this could create a special kind of effect?"
"..."