Julian sat at the back corner of the Elmsmere Guild tavern, hunched over a bowl of something gray and steaming. It smelled like boiled socks and regret.
"Is this even food?" he whispered.
A burly man at the next table glanced over. "Better than starving. Eat it quick before it starts moving again."
Julian blinked. "That was a joke, right?"
The man didn't respond. The soup burbled.
He took a tentative bite, grimaced, and shoved the bowl away.
ChatGTP buzzed to life in his head.
[Recommended action: acquire non-toxic, non-sentient nutrition. Also pants.]
Julian scanned the room. The adventurers were a mixed bag—some armored, some robed, most loud and laughing. They looked like they knew what they were doing. He looked like a guy who got kicked out of a LARP session.
A board near the receptionist caught his eye. A wooden quest panel, full of parchment notices.
He walked over, still damp and dripping, and scanned the listings.
* "Lost Cat in East Alley – 2 bronze coins"
* "Escort caravan to Ravenrock – 8 silver coins"
* "Goblin nest northeast of town – Bronze-Rank parties only"
He tapped one labeled: "Herbal Collection – 5 plants from Whispering Grove. 4 bronze coins."
[This is doable. No combat. Moderate risk of wolves. 68% chance of tripping over your own feet.]
"Sounds perfect," Julian muttered, tearing it down.
He turned to the receptionist again—who still looked like she wanted to be anywhere else.
"I'll take this herb quest."
She stamped his card without a word and handed him a satchel.
"You'll need that to collect the samples. Don't die."
"You say that a lot."
"Because people don't listen."
He took the bag and left.
Outside, the twin suns of Aldrion were halfway through the sky, bathing Elmsmere in warm light. For the first time since he arrived, Julian took a breath and felt… not completely overwhelmed.
Just mostly.
As he walked down the dirt road toward the edge of town, he pulled out his glowing spoon.
"So this is my magical weapon, huh?"
[Technically, yes. Focus tool. Channeling aid. Heat-resistant. Can also eat cereal.]
Julian gave it a spin like a wand.
"I feel powerful. Fear me, enemies of culinary justice."
[You're embarrassing yourself.]
He stuck the spoon in his belt and reached the edge of the forest. The Whispering Grove loomed like a fairytale—tall trees, shifting light, faint sounds of rustling leaves. It looked peaceful. Which meant it definitely wasn't.
"Alright. Herbs. Find herbs. Don't die."
He stepped inside.
It wasn't long before the trees began whispering.
Literal whispers.
Faint voices flitted past his ears, like breathy sounds of someone talking just out of reach. He spun, wide-eyed.
"Uh. Chatbot. You hearing this?"
[Yes. Whispering Grove is named for ambient magical wind patterns. Common among old forests. 82% harmless.]
Julian squinted. "What about the other 18%?"
[Reserved for intelligent tree spirits, hallucinations, and mind-devouring fog.]
"Oh good. Glad we're narrowing it down."
He spotted a plant that matched the drawing on his quest slip—long purple leaves with silver veins. Kneeling, he reached for it—only to hear a growl.
Low. Guttural. From behind.
He turned slowly.
A wolf. Large. Gray. With glowing green eyes and bark-like fur. It looked less like an animal and more like someone glued moss to a bear trap.
The spoon in his hand didn't feel very useful anymore.
"Any ideas?"
[Try stunning it. Focus your thoughts. Spoon acts as a conduit. Picture force.]
Julian raised the spoon and shouted the first thing that came to mind.
"Back off, fuzzy!"
The spoon pulsed. A faint flash of blue light shot from its tip—barely stronger than a flashlight.
The wolf blinked. Then growled louder.
"That's it?"
[Spell intensity: 4%. Casting technique: garbage. You might as well throw the spoon.]
Julian did exactly that.
He flung the spoon with all his strength.
It hit the wolf square in the snout.
There was a crack. A spark. The wolf yelped and bolted into the woods.
Julian stared.
"...That worked?"
[By sheer dumb luck and divine comedy.]
He walked over and picked up the spoon, which now glowed a little brighter.
"You know what? I'm keeping you forever."
[That's not optional.]
He gathered the herbs in silence after that, every step more careful than the last. The whispers faded. The light dimmed.
By the time he returned to Elmsmere, it was nearly evening.
He dumped the herbs on the guild counter.
The receptionist gave him a surprised look. "You came back. In one piece."
"Yep. And I only almost died once."
"Congratulations. You're ahead of the average."
She handed him four bronze coins. It didn't seem like much, but Julian grinned.
His first quest. His first coin.
And his first confirmed magical spoon strike.
Back in the tavern, he dropped a few coins on the bar and got a bowl of something slightly more edible. He sat down with it and whispered to himself:
"I might survive this after all."
ChatGTP chimed softly in his head.
[Or at least, die interestingly.]
Julian smiled.
He could live with that. Maybe.