I died today.
***
Earlier that same day.
Today was the day before my 18th birthday, to many people, that would mean it was a momentous occasion to celebrate a coming-of-age. For me, I'd mark the day with silence, as I did with every other. I grew up completely deaf, never once experiencing the sensation of sound I was well aware existed since I could think for myself.
From what I had seen online of others suffering from deafness, the people surrounding them would often learn sign language as a means to communicate with them despite the barrier. However, there was no one like that for me. I had taught ASL to myself when I was younger in an attempt to communicate to others. The only thing my family did was occasionally text me to tell me of my duties or what I was doing wrong.
From what I could tell, my family were extremely well off, enough so that luxurious vacations twice a year were no issue to them. Despite that, they'd keep me cooped up in a hotel room while they roam off to do God knows what. Personally, I didn't know nor care what they did to earn this money, as frankly, I wanted nothing to do with them.
It wasn't as if they were utterly incapable of feeling love or empathy towards anyone; it's just that I didn't fall into the range of people who they did feel it towards. A few years after I was born, they had adopted another boy, likely in hopes of creating the perfect heir to their wealth that they'd hoped I was. How often I'd leave my closed-off room to see them doting on him endlessly just for them to look at me in disdain as I watched on. Of course, I couldn't know what they said behind my back as I literally couldn't hear them.
On the day of my brother's 8th birthday following a shower of gifts from my parents for existing, me and him were left alone in a room together for the first time. He fidgeted in fear as if I was a wild creature despite me never making any advances towards him.
Today was different. I went towards him and attempted to wish him a happy birthday using the sign language I had learnt up to that point. Of course - he just looked up at me in confusion having no idea what I had meant. That was when I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see the repulsed faces of my parents. I had learnt later that they thought I was begging him for one of the presents he had gotten. Who did they think I was? It wasn't like realising the misunderstanding took back the beating I had gotten then or any of the beatings I had endured up till this point.
That's why I had already stopped caring about my birthday or even thought of expecting anything for it. The only form of escapism I had left was the manga and light novels - the ones I had bought with the money they mindlessly threw at me, probably in an attempt to act as if they cared. The stories they contained let me feel as if I too could live a life like theirs. Ones of action, romance, suspense, and those of a second chance. Reading them let me feel like I was in the characters' shoes and experiencing emotions that I couldn't have. Sometimes, I would dress up as close as I could to those characters and embody their personalities and traits to feel like them.
I had decided to run away today. From my parents' point of view, I doubted they'd care enough to send out a search warrant for my disappearance, so I made no real attempt to cover up my trail. I picked out a small black suitcase from a dingy closet and stuffed it with a few sets of clothes and toiletries. Ensuring I had taken sufficient money with me, I double-checked my items and sighed in relief. This will be the last time I'll have to see them. Shouldn't I be happy?
But for some reason, I felt more scared than anything. I had never experienced life outside my house, so I was at a loss for what to expect. What if everyone outside treated me the same? Everyone I knew in my life saw me as worthless, so what if that's just how I am?
Stop it. This won't help me at this moment.
I snuck through the hallways slowly, the small vibrations of the wood creaking below me alerting me of how much noise I was making. My parents and brother were already long asleep, blissfully unaware of my plot. My palms sweat profusely as I turned the doorknob and walked out into the cool midnight breeze. Before I put my guard down, I made sure to trudge out of the residence's front garden and make my way onto the outside street. Gazing down towards my phone, I looked at the time - 11:52 PM.
With my money, I could probably buy a bus or train ticket to a nearby town and start over there. But what jobs could a deaf 17-year-old even do? I had no formal education, as my family hired a home tutor who saw me as useless and left me alone for the majority of my "classes". That didn't matter now - I now had the motivation and means necessary to change my life for the better, and I was going to use this opportunity to the fullest. Who cares what my family thinks of me if I have nothing to do with them anymore? Looking up, I saw a New Moon shrouded in darkness, the start of a cycle. I decided to take the first step, the first step to my new life and the first step crossing the wide road before me.
A passerby yelled towards me. "Watch out!"
His words fell upon deaf ears. A blaring yellow light engulfed my vision from the left before a force hailing towards me crushed me at my side. I flew helplessly through the air before landing onto my backside in the middle of the road. Startled and in insurmountable pain, I tried screaming but my voice wouldn't allow it. Tears began forming and streaming down my face. This was my first and only chance - and I ruined it. Attempting to breathe in and out calmly despite the growing pool of blood below me was to no avail. I lay limp and looked up into the night sky above me, a random startled man running aimlessly towards me with his phone to his ear.
Hah… This might just be the first time anyone's ever been worried for me. The feeling of pain and my energy seemed to dissipate as I closed my eyes and thought of how futile my life had been up until now.
My eyes opened.