Mr Ernest continued to ramble on, hardly pausing for breath.
"Thank you, Peregrine. I am afraid I have fallen behind in my English grammar. I have not seen a dictionary since Robert Cawdrey's ATable Alphabetical, and it is not a classical work by any means.
"It was when I last visited Earth Major, London, in the year 1604, according to their calendar. Albert and I had just been to one of their new-fangled coffee shops. Strong on coffee but weak on conversation. We hicks from the backwoods, as people thought of us in those days, had been expecting witty repartee and bon mots. But for all their boasting about culture, the clientele were fat bores with serious personal hygiene problems.
"Mr Ernest! Please let me speak!"
"Yes, sorry, old man's disease. I think 'garrulous' is the correct adjective, as in the example of 'garrulous taxi driver'. Do you find them excessively talkative, Peregrine? Rattling on about this and that when all you want is to get to your destination. It's enough to drive you mad. I expect that the boredom of the job makes them do it, but…"
"Mr Earnest!"
Mr Earnest apologised.
"Sorry," he said.
"Thank you. Now you just said that you chose me at birth to open the Green Door, whatever that is, but why me? I'm nothing special."
"But of course, you are special, Peregrine, and we looked after you when you were young, without anybody knowing. We monitored your childhood and made sure you had the best food to eat. Both of us wanted to give you a sporting chance of success. You liked your food when you were younger; I expect, Peregrine, plenty of choices and big helpings."
"Yes, we always had a well-stocked larder, as I remember."
"And the box of chocolates with your name on it that arrived every month?"
"Yes, I thought they must have been from great-uncle Ted, but I didn't know his address to send a thank-you letter."
"From us, dear boy, and packed with enough love and goodness to build up the strength of your emotional side, although sadly, we could not intervene directly to improve your home life, but that is now all in the past. We did everything we could to ensure you were strong enough in body and mind to survive the rigours of the quest."
"What quest?"
"Later, dear boy, all will be revealed in time, but you must have patience."
"Can't you tell me anything at all? Is it anything to do with those portals Mr Longfellow showed me?"
"Just driftwood, that lot, and not worth a bean," he said dismissively.
"But why did he try to sell me one? Didn't he know who I was?"
"Poor Willum didn't recognise you, Peregrine. He lost his last pair of spectacles a month ago and couldn't afford to replace them. He can hardly see his hand in front of his face, but he knows every square inch of the shop and navigates it so well that you would never guess."
"But he read the special conditions from the contract to me."
"Memory, Peregrine, memory. He knows that contract off by heart. As for Albert, he is a little deaf and misheard your name because of the sound of Aunt Gladys's ancient vacuum cleaner. She couldn't have heard either, or I don't know what would have happened. Luckily, she doesn't know you by sight."
I was intrigued by his obvious respect for Aunt Gladys and her apparent abilities.
"Is she really your aunt?"
"Oh yes, she was my father's stepsister, but Gladys is not her real name. She was born on Earth Major in 1771 as a French noblewoman, 'Comtesse Marie De LaPorte'.
She came of age in 1789. It was not a particularly good year for the gentry. It marked the beginning of the French Revolution and a very difficult time to be an aristocrat. Her boyfriend was a British prince, and they exchanged code names to evade the attention of the revolutionaries.
Unfortunately, a journalist revealed her secret, and the revolutionaries captured her boyfriend and executed him during Le Règne de la Terreur of 1793. Marie fled to our world and became the legal ward of my father, a distant relative. The LaPorte family had several substantial investments, and Marie inherited everything. She was happy to let my father manage the business, a man she called Grandpa. Marie adopted the name 'Gladys' in memory of her late boyfriend, but we have always called her 'Aunty', since she looked after Albert and me as children.
Do not be deceived by her eccentric behaviour. Peregrine, Aunty, and Albert have an extraordinary skill to travel between dimensions without using a portal. Both will become invaluable allies if you succeed in opening the Green Door to a fantastical dimension. It is the most difficult task, but we believe you possess the qualities needed to succeed.
Ernest got to his feet.
"Well, I hope I have made everything quite clear, but that is enough for today. You have had enough information to absorb as it is; you must have something to eat and a good night's sleep. Tomorrow, you must finish the Portal Code of Practice with Albert. I don't know his agenda, but Albert will introduce you to new and inventive ideas in his own way, and don't let him fool you, Peregrine; all that playing the old buffer is just one of his elaborate jokes. He aspired to be an actor when he was younger and is a particularly good mimic.
"He is also a very accomplished scholar and an expert in all matters relating to inter-dimensional travel.
"There is much to learn, Peregrine, and it will make you question every assumption you hold about the fundamental laws of physics and the nature of reality. You must temporarily set aside your disbelief and keep an open mind. The universe holds wonders you can scarcely imagine, but it will take time to absorb this new knowledge. I believe you should stay here from now on.
"We have wonderfully comfortable rooms, and Aunty will see to all your needs. You can go home for your clothes. Tell your mother you will be away for a while, and do not worry. Your room will be ready when you return, and I have arranged for you to see Albert in his room tomorrow morning after breakfast. No time for questions: off you go, chop, chop, best foot forward!"
He burst into laughter and gave a little skip of self-congratulation for what he considered to be a funny quip. Earnest was not as earnest as he would have me believe. His mother would have been proud.