"Want to go on a date? I have friends we could make it a double," I stared at these words on my phone. No wonder she had been hurt. I felt terrible. How could I explain. She probably thinks I deliberately did this to hurt her. Her friends have probably told her what I said she said. Maybe she's even showed them our messages. There were obvious signs of flirtation, but we had always been that way. The kind of friends with no boundaries. Maybe she had always felt this way. I couldn't be sure of anything any more.
"I'm straight so I didn't think..."
"I don't know how I miss understood can we..."
"I feel terrible can we still..." I started typing then deleted countless messages. There was so much I wanted to save and so much I had done wrong. I didn't know how to approach her about any of it.
"Hey sorry I put you on the spot. Can we still be friends, on text at least? I love our chats," as I was fighting with my own sea of emotions this text popped up from Tabatha. She was being so sweet about the whole thing putting all the blame on her. I swallowed hard and responded.
"Let's talk in person tomorrow. You can bring your friends if you want, but we're ok," I typed closed my eyes and sent it.
"When and where," she sent back almost instantly. I casually picked a coffee shop nearby and set the time for 10:00am. not too early, but still plenty of the day left if things went well.
I got up early and did my make-up and tried on several different outfits before finally selecting a light pink summer dress and sandals. I showed up twenty minutes early I couldn't control my excitement. I had never felt this way when going on any actual date, but I had never been as close to anyone I dated as I had been with Tabatha. Sure the years of separation had made me forget it somehow. Even though we still talked unfiltered on a regular basis and we were still closer then anyone I looked to in person. I was ashamed I never realized, but I was determined to make her understand and to give us a shot.
She was already sitting at a table on the patio. She was by herself and I found myself reluctant to approach, but I finally swallowed hard and walked with determination to the girl I had never noticed standing by my side, "Tabatha may I set?" I questioned with more formality then I had intended.
"By all means Katie, that is why I'm here," she responded, matching my energy before chuckling slightly at the end.
"You know I was raised with very traditional values. I had never questioned my sexual orientation. For me there was nothing to question. A couple was one man and one woman. I never judged your lifestyle, if I'm honest Tabatha I never really considered it either. You've always been the closest person to me and when you ran out of the restaurant the other day I realized how little weight I had given that.
I've got to be honest with you. After knowing how you feel and giving it thought I don't think I want to be your friend. I don't know if I can give you the love you deserve, but if you can I would like to try to be with you," I explained my true feelings to Tabatha as we always had without filters and with no consideration for fall out.
She looked stunned, but I could see joy glimmering in her eyes, "Kitty Kat, that would make me so happy," she said she flopped into me wrapping her arms around me and hugging me firmly.
"Honestly, I'm sorry I hurt you, but I'm glad the other day happened. I was horribly narrow minded about myself. If you had just confessed I would of most likely rejected the idea on instinct and regretted it forever. I hope whatever happens next we can always be open with each other," I confessed to Tabatha.
She chuckled lightly, covering her mouth with her hand, "Kitty Kat I've missed you."
With that we separated and she sat back down. We chatted for a long time discussing her living situation and her career. Then discussing my dreams and what I had been doing in her eight year absences. We had talked often, but not like this. It was always upbeat and service level stuff. We knew we could tell each other anything, but the best part of our relationship was we didn't have too. We could just loose ourselves in silly anecdotes, gossip, jokes, or even just a hi been awhile text. There would be no annoyance, no sense of breaching boundaries, no misunderstandings. It was nice and I had been happy, but if she was going to stay in town then taking time to tell her everything, well that made me happy too. After awhile we got up and went shopping. Tabatha hadn't settled back in the city yet and still needed most of her daily essentials.
I was looking at all the random crap on her list and my mouth opened on it's own, "You know girlfriend or not I love you. Why don't you just stay with me?" Even as the words left my mouth I couldn't believe I had said them. We had just started dating. In fact I wasn't even sure we were dating. We had confessed and agreed to give it a try, but we had been together since then.
"That wouldn't be weird for you? You said you weren't even sure you could like me like that and you only have one bed."
"No you're paraphrasing missy. I said I didn't know if I could love you like you deserve. I mean unless your saying we'd have to have sex every time we shared a bed," my eyes getting wide at the implication. I blushed slightly and giggled. Slapping her playfully on her shoulder.
"Ok let's give it a try. I'll try not to mean every time," she looked away from me blushing and giggling herself. We were like two teenagers lost in there first love. Then it struck me, we talked all the time, but never about our love life's.
"Sweetie, how many women have you been with?"
"Where'd that come from? I never asked how many men you've been with."
"I've dated nineteen different men, bt we've never gotten past heavy petting. I've rarely done that. It never felt right and I think maybe I've never liked men."
"I see. If I answer you promise not to get mad or judgy?"
"No, that's not our deal. I promise I will not hold it against you or leave. Best I can do."
"Honest as always. Fine you deserve to know. None. I've known I was into girls for basically ever. Even before I knew what romance was I'd get giddy being around pretty girls. However when I met you I fell in love instantly and I never gave up that love. I've never been on a date even. My friends who know mostly tease me about it. There are a few girls who try to support me, but they mostly just want to stay close for when you break my heart. My friends with me the other day are the only ones who think we have a shot. That's why I brought them."
"So that explains it."
"What?"
"I was just thinking we felt like teenagers enjoying our first love, then I thought we'll we did meet when we were teenagers and I've always loved you. Though I never considered it could be romantic love. So I thought maybe you had been holding on to me this whole time and well I thought that would be a wonderful story to tell our kids," I said, blushing a dark crimson and glaring at her waiting for a response.
"But because you're you you had to make sure it was true first, right? You never change, too adorable."
With that she took my hands and we returned to shopping and idle chatter. We eventually bought dinner and headed back to our home. Her new job was from home and consulting so she had basically no schedule. She didn't even have an office to report too, so she was moving here just to be near me. Words could convey how touched I was.
I was determined to make this work and so happy she had chosen me way back then.