I jumped up the moment he released my hand. His face was completely flushed, his ears turning completely red.
"Oh—why did the maids have to come now?!" he exclaimed, clearly annoyed.
I froze. My makeup was gone, completely wiped away. If those servants saw me like this, they'd definitely notice the sudden change of me suddenly changing genders.
I had to hide. Somehow.
A thought struck me, yes! I could cover my face with a large book and pretend to be reading.
I rushed to the nearest shelf, grabbed the first heavy tome I saw, and pressed it against my face just as the doors opened.
With my vision blocked, I could hear but not see anything. My heart thudded in my chest.
"Sir Renshu! You're still here? We're here to clean up—" one of the servants said.
"Yes, I know what you're here to do. Bring Bao Qin," Renshu replied curtly.
Bao Qin's voice soon followed, soft and cheerful. The two of them spoke in hushed tones. I couldn't catch much, though I swore I heard a giggle slip through.
And then, silence.
The door shut again.
I lowered the book carefully. The room was empty.
Renshu was gone. The only other change in the room was my makeup left on his desk.
I stared at it for a moment before realizing what it meant, it was for me to use.
With a quiet sigh, I sat down, reapplied the makeup as neatly as I could manage, and slipped out the doors.
"Ah, Aryan! Must've been tough making decisions about the country all morning with Renshu! Here, have lunch—"
Bao Qin intercepted me immediately, pushing me toward the dining hall before I could ask a single question.
Renshu was already gone.
I ate quickly, but my mind wasn't on the food. What exactly had he been about to do before the maids arrived? His sudden shift in mood nagged at me the whole meal.
By the time I returned to my chamber, the questions still weighed on me. But another worry soon replaced them.
I hadn't written to Shuyin in days.
I wanted to see her. Desperately. But visiting her was… complicated.
If I disguised myself as a woman, I risked being recognized. If I disguised myself as a man, it was far more dangerous, men were forbidden in the rear palace. If I was caught, the punishment would be severe.
Still, if I went as a man, at least Renshu might intervene by saying I was an official. Might.
It was a risk I would have to weigh.
For now, I was too tired to think clearly. Tomorrow, I had no official duties, the deadline wasn't until the day after. I had planned to spend the day studying the scrolls, but maybe…
---
The entire afternoon slipped away while I wrestled with my plan.
If I went to visit Shuyin, I'd have to sneak deep into the Lanxuan Pavilion, all the way to her chambers. She would have no idea I was coming. I would have to knock on her window in the middle of the night.
Dangerous? Incredibly. Foolish? Perhaps.
But the thought of us slowly drifting apart was unbearable.
Every change in my life seemed to mean losing someone else. I couldn't let Shuyin be next.
By evening, I joined the others for dinner. Renshu was late. I sat waiting, as etiquette demanded—eating before one's senior in rank was considered disrespectful.
When he finally arrived, I realized at once that something had changed.
He barely spoke. He didn't even acknowledge me.
It was such a drastic shift from midday that I couldn't stop wondering about him again.
Still, I ate quickly and excused myself.
Back in my room, I touched up my makeup, adjusted my clothes, and waited for the lights to go out.
When the palace finally fell into darkness, my heart pounded in my chest. I slipped down the carpeted halls, my steps utterly silent.
This was it.
I pushed past the gates and out into the cool night air. The path to the Lanxuan Pavilion stretched before me, the moon hung in the sky as if staring at me for doing a wrong thing.
Even though only a few days had passed since I last lived there, it felt like another lifetime ago.
The grounds were eerily quiet. Here and there, faint lantern light flickered in the distance, but most of the palace was asleep. The maids and concubines followed strict rules, they were always in bed by now.
I paused at the edge of the rear palace. One thought pressed heavily into my mind:
If I was caught like this—as a man—my life would be over.
And yet I stepped forward anyway.
The grass seemed longer, untrimmed, as though the palace staff had neglected it. Understaffed, perhaps.
I pressed on until the Lanxuan Pavilion loomed in the night sky.
Oddly, there were no guards.
That was strange. Very strange.
Still, I didn't hesitate. I crept around to the back, where Shuyin's chamber sat on the ground floor.
Knock.
Nothing.
I knocked again, harder this time.
And then—
"What—who… Meilina? Is that you?!"
Her voice shrieked through the window.
"Shh! Someone will hear us! Stay quiet!" I whispered urgently.
The window slid open just enough for her to peer out. Shuyin's eyes went wide.
"How did—how did this happen to you?" she gasped.
I blinked. "What do you mean?"
"Your face… why does it look so manly?"
I couldn't help it, I laughed. Did she really think I had magically transformed just because I had taken on men's duties?
"It's makeup," I explained. "A disguise."
Her relief was immediate, though confusion still showed. "But why would you come here all of a sudden? You didn't send me a letter, did you?"
"No… I just—" I hesitated. "I felt like we were drifting apart. I know it's only been a few days, but we've only exchanged a single letter and one night visit. And my duties will only get heavier. I…"
"If I could hug you right now, I would," she whispered, a small smile breaking across her face. "But don't worry. We won't just suddenly stop talking to each other."
"But you told me not to visit. Only to send letters."
"Oh, that." She laughed quietly, almost at herself. "That's a completely different reason. We're understaffed. I'm sure you noticed, the grass, the lack of guards. Several maids left suddenly, and I've had more and more work each night. I wasn't rejecting you. I was just… tired."
Her smile dimmed. She sighed.
"Listen, Meilina. You've become an official. That alone will exhaust you. I don't want you to waste your energy on me. Do you understand?"
I reluctantly nodded. "Yes."
"Good. Now go back, all right? We'll talk through letters. You need your rest—I don't want you daydreaming about bed while making decisions for the entire palace." She chuckled lightly.
I smiled weakly. "All right."
I bid her goodbye and slipped back into the night.
At least tonight wasn't a complete loss.