I couldn't ignore the discomfort the next morning.
It remained between Renshu and me like a sword suspended in midair, impossible to forget. The tension was sharp, coiled tight, and every step I took near him only seemed to stretch it further.
This was bad.
Our argument, his words, calling me cold, had driven a wedge between us. Since then, he had avoided me with deliberate precision. No passing glances. No quiet acknowledgments. As if I were something he could not bear to look at.
That would not do.
If this distance remained, it would fester. I needed to resolve it, soothe him, if necessary. I had already solved the problem of the Mongols. The threat was gone. Now, there was only one issue left.
Renshu.
Unfortunately, he made it difficult.
He spent the entire morning wandering the remains of the enemy camp, inspecting every shadow, every mound of disturbed snow, ensuring that no Mongol was left alive to suffer. He still carried the vial tightly in his hand, fingers wrapped around it as though it was his only blessing, proof that death could be gentle, that mercy could still exist on a battlefield.
I hated that sight.
No, I despised it.
I couldn't allow him to believe I was some heartless monster. I had done everything to keep him from knowing the truth, about the resin, the dosage, my calculations, the thoughts I buried so carefully. I had tried to shoulder it all alone.
And yet, here he was, looking at me as though I had defiled something sacred.
This had to be fixed.
---
The sky that day was painfully vast, a light blue stretched over fields of yellow-white snow. Against it, the blood stood out brutally red, staining the ground in violent contrast.
It reminded me of Renshu's palace, dark stone rising against green fields. Beautiful, imposing, and heavy.
I searched for him for a long while, circling the camp until I finally began questioning soldiers. Most avoided my eyes, answering stiffly. Eventually, one informed me that Renshu had last been seen near the central command tent.
Naturally, I went there.
I had barely taken a few steps when a firm grip seized my wrist.
"Renshu—what are you—"
"Come with me," he said sharply.
There was no room for refusal.
One hand held me tightly, the other controlled his horse as he mounted swiftly. I struggled to keep my balance as he pulled me along, my own horse faltering as we moved. The ride was abrupt, reckless, until he finally ordered us to stop in front of a small, isolated tent.
"Get down," he commanded.
I complied, confusion clouding my thoughts. Was he furious because of the deaths? Because of the poison? Because of me?
"Look at this!" he shouted, pointing toward a body half-buried in snow.
It was a young man.
Too young.
"You think I'm weak for burying him?" Renshu demanded. "You think I'm soft?"
His voice cracked, not with grief, but with something rawer.
"I've killed men, Meilina," he said. "I've looked them in the eyes. I've taken their weight. I've ended them with honor."
He grabbed my wrist again, fingers digging into my skin. His armor was caked in mud, his hands stained dark from the earth.
His eyes burned.
Not with tears, but fury.
"You killed them from a distance," he continued. "You made victory easy. You tricked them. You turned war into something… hollow."
He pulled me closer, as if daring me to recoil.
"There will be no more tactics like this. No more poison. You will not sit safely in your quarters calculating outcomes while my men bear the weight of your decisions!"
Before I could respond, he scooped a handful of wet earth and smeared it across my cheek. As if to symbolize his state.
Cold and heavy.
I understood then, this wasn't punishment.
It was resentment.
He released me abruptly and knelt to finish burying the young Mongol, packing snow and dirt with bare hands. When he stood again, his glare pierced through me, sharp enough to wound.
Then he left.
I didn't follow.
I stood there, motionless, trying to understand.
He saw me as trickery. As someone who had stripped war of its supposed honor, killing men in their sleep, denying them the chance to fight.
A general's mindset.
And yet… he had agreed to this plan months ago. He had accepted poisoning as a necessity.
So why now?
Had he imagined something else? A cleaner victory? A moral distance he could maintain?
There was no one I could ask. Everyone was consumed by cleanup, by the aftermath of what I had orchestrated. The emperor's orders arrived by yesterday. Renshu was to return to the Forbidden City immediately. He would leave at dawn tomorrow.
If I didn't act now, this distance would harden into something permanent.
Our quarters were close.
That was my only advantage.
---
It must have been close to midnight when I heard movement from his chambers, the dull clink of armor, the restless pacing of someone who couldn't sleep.
Now.
I approached quietly.
He noticed me but said nothing. He didn't need to. This time, the burden was mine.
I dipped a cloth into the wash basin and stepped closer. He didn't resist as I took his wrist—the same wrist that had held me earlier—and wiped the mud from his knuckles.
"Why—" he began.
"I don't understand honor the way you do," I said softly. "You carry the weight of the empire. You must protect its image. Its pride."
I cleaned his hands carefully.
"I don't have that responsibility," I continued. "So I will carry the sins of strategy instead."
He finally looked at me.
I stepped forward and embraced him, arms wrapping around his shoulders. This was how he showed affection, through closeness, through grounding contact. So I mirrored it.
For a moment, he was frozen.
Then his arms closed around me, tight, desperate, pulling me so close I could barely breathe. His face pressed into the space between my neck and shoulder as his fingers tangled in my hair, loosening my pin.
"You…" he murmured. "I thought you'd be angry."
I said nothing.
Instead, I placed my hand against his chest, measuring the steady rhythm beneath the armor.
Stable.
His breathing slowed.
"Are you still angry with me?" I asked quietly.
He shook his head.
A gentle kiss brushed my cheek, before he trailed it down to my neck slowly.
Relief spread through me.
Finally.
The emptiness receded.