My name is Andrei Belorukov.
I lived in Magadan, worked at the port, loading boxes. Everything was fine. I finished ninth grade and joined the army, served for a year, and was sent packing by some big fat guy from Lost. I got a job as a security guard, and then as a loader to make extra money.
Basically, everything was fine, except...
To be honest, I was fed up! I was working all day long, and there was no time to rest.
Anyway, coming back after another shift, dodging the flying shit of fate in the form of "AND YOU'RE STILL GOING TO HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS...". I was walking home, drinking kvass, because the only beer you can get here besides Baltika, DV, and Zhigulevskoye is, let's say, better than kvass.
And it's tasty, even if it's -30 and January outside! I love it...
But I didn't know that this shit would come back to bite me in the ass!
A sharp screech of brakes, a crash, stars, cold ice on the road, because no one had even thought to clear it, many hadn't even realised that the New Year had already arrived. I'm lying in a puddle of my own urine and kvass, and with my last breath I ask myself:
"Where the hell did this truck come from? This is a pavement, isn't it?
========== Chapter 1: The beginning of the ass... ==========
I was surrounded by darkness, complete, dark and scary... like Nicky Minaj's ass, cool on the outside, but better not to know what's inside.
"HEY YOU THERE, MINER!!! COVER YOUR ASS WITH VASELINE AND PHOSPHORUS, OR I CAN'T SEE WHERE TO PUT IT!!!" I shouted. What the hell? Fuck it, I'm already dead, I don't care what's there or how, just hurry up, I want to rest.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, YOU INSECT!!!!" shouted a voice from... I don't know where, but my asshole tightened and I suddenly didn't want to shit anymore because everything had already come out.
"Well, why is it so dark here? Just send me to Hell or Heaven, I don't give a shit! Just hurry up, you're holding up the queue!!!
"Hmm..." came a puzzled sound, which made me realise that the guy was either stupid or thinking, although there's not much difference between the two. "What queue?
(Well, here we go! God is down, what next? Is the devil gay?) I thought.
"From among the souls of mortals, a genius from heaven (or rather, a genius who fell from heaven).
"You're talking about them! Don't worry! Everything is fine, I chose you because...
"We can skip this wonderful dialogue until the moment when they send me somewhere. I'm sorry, but I'm so fucking tired today that I just want to rest!!!" I interrupted the old senile man.
"Um... don't you want to hear why I chose you and what I want you to do?" the old man asked in surprise.
"Yes! I don't give a shit, just hurry up, but make sure it's not rebirth!!! I want peace!!! Let me rest!!!"Strange..." said the old man, and immediately a conversation came from the heavenly speakers. "Are you sure that's the one you ordered? Are you sure? He... he doesn't want to be reborn... what should I do, boss? I understand, force him. IS THE MICROPHONE ON?!"
(Damn it!!!)
"In short, you have been chosen to live a new life in a new world...
"NO!!! PLEASE!!! DON'T!!! I JUST WANT TO REST!!!" I begged.
"And the world was chosen especially for you...
"NO!!! NOOOOO!!! PLEASE HAVE MERCY!!! LET IT BE HELL!!! LET IT BE LIMBO!!! BUT LET ME REST!!!
"THIS IS THE WORLD OF DxD!!! Congratulations!!! And good luck!!! There, you will be granted great abilities.
"YES, GO TO HELL TO MERUNASU DAGON AND CTHULHU!!!! YONG-SOTOT SAVE ME!!!
"Go on, lad!
A bright hole suddenly appeared under his feet, sucking him in like a toilet with a turbo flush.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
With a sharp bang, the portal closed, taking our hero to a new and wonderful world of high school demons.
"This will teach you manners, not to swear in front of your elders, and you'll also spice up this fucking vanilla world with your pinch of madness and a ton of rage!!! FUCK, THE MIC IS STILL ON!!!
***
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