Woke up closer to noon. Brushed teeth, splashed water, prepared to dive back into the System's guts—and my stomach roared like a pissed-off bijuu. Right. I hadn't eaten since yesterday because I was too busy autopsying four years of pop-ups. Fine. Food first, min-max later.
Inventory check: zero food, zero snacks, zero hope. Guess who's taking the government stipend and the "welcome to your miserable apartment" allowance out for a spin?
Weather's annoyingly perfect. Sunshine, soft breeze, birds chirping like a Disney audition. And then there are the people: every pair of eyes looks at me like I kicked their grandma and stole her dentures. Elbows "accidentally" jab my ribs, muttered slurs trail behind me. Cute. I haven't done anything to them yet. Keyword: yet. I do have long-term plans for a selective purge—keyword: selective, because, hello, future adult harem recruitment. Chill; we're not running a toddler dating sim. I'm evil, not illegal.
Self-preservation in this village is optional DLC, apparently. You punt a tiny demon today, and what, expect a thank-you postcard when he grows into a big demon tomorrow? Also—how the hell does every mutt in Konoha know my face? I didn't see posters screaming "THIS KID HAS THE NINE-TAILS, SPIT FREELY."
Information didn't "leak." It was poured down the exact pipes someone wanted: everyone knows I'm the fox vessel; somehow no one cares I'm the hero's kid. Convenient.
On the way to the nearest food hole I rack up four kicks, six cuff-upsides, and so many shoves I lose count. The stares alone could strip paint. Honestly? Respect to the village mind-scramblers. The amount of mental rebar in canon!Naruto's skull must've been obscene for him to go through one walk like this and still chase their approval instead of letting the furball go on a guided tour.
Not just bookmarks, either—there's finesse in that conditioning. Tie the kid to very specific people; take everything, give back scraps, and watch him thank you. If no one knew he was a demon host, he'd be just another orphan most folks ignored. But no—someone cranked the hate machine to 11 and stamped "community project" on it.
Eating out? Denied. Every café, diner, stall—out I go before my shadow crosses the threshold. Buying groceries to cook myself? Brilliant plan, also denied. Every shop either refuses to sell or triples the prices and tosses me rotten goods for dessert. The only place that doesn't pull that is a Sarutobi-owned supermarket built like a proper store—price on the item, simple. Inventory sucks: rice, instant noodles, bagged milk, cans, spices. No meat. No veggies. They don't gouge or eject me… they just shortchange me at the register with the confidence of a veteran pickpocket. I complain, they out-cuss me. Silver lining: I learn some fresh vocabulary.
[System: Language Skill "Creative Profanity (Leaf Dialect)" — Rank Up → 2]
Buying utensils and house junk goes about the same. By late afternoon, I'm considering a stationery run for a clean scroll or notebook. My memory's solid, not perfect, and my black list just grew by thirty-seven faces today. Forget even one, and I'll hate myself later.
"Man, where can I get a notebook for free?"
Heaven stays quiet. The System doesn't.
[System: Request Accepted][Processing…][System: pam–pam-pam Jingle Plays][New Skill Acquired: Virtual Enemy Ledger]— A free, bound-to-soul notebook UI that records the names of your enemies.
Nice. And here I was calling the System a bug-ridden knockoff. It's still a bug-ridden knockoff, but it gives free stuff. Small catch: it only accepts names of enemies. No notes, no tags, no "guy with the unibrow who sold me expired milk." Half my new enemies are filed under "that bastard," which isn't search-friendly.
I limp home, set water to boil, and crack open instant noodles. Finance audit time. The "moving-in" handout is basically gone, and I didn't even buy everything I planned. The two-week stipend? Already dust on food that won't last two weeks. Here's my glorious haul: ~2 kilos of rice, two dozen eggs, one liter of milk, and fifteen packs of instant noodles.
The noodles? Not bad. Eating them three times a day, seven days a week, for eight years? Hard pass. Canon!Naruto didn't down ramen from love; he downed it because it was cheap, filling, and didn't ask questions. Habit did the rest.
If I don't fix the "food pipeline," I'll have to copy his diet. Which means I need power and money. Which means…
"Status."
A slate pops up.
[Status]Name: Naruto UzumakiRace: Unidentified Malevolent ThingLevel: 4 (EXP: 400 / 1600)Class: Shinobi LarvaSubclass: — (unlocks at Lv. 100)HP: 650 (Regen: 5.22 / min)CP: 780 (Regen: 6.2 / min)Bijuu CP: 1,000,000 (LOCKED)MP: LOCKED
AttributesSTR: 3 | AGI: 2 | SPD: 1 | END: 6INT: 16 | WIS: 12 | INTUITION: 5SPIRIT: 25 | WILL: 12 | CHA: 2Control: −150 | Chakra: 4 | Luck: 1
Body Structure: (Morph Editor — gradual changes; costs points.)Unspent Stat Points: 20Unspent Skill Points: 2
Element AffinitiesFire — 0.8% | Wind — 1.3% | Lightning — 0.01%Earth — 0.01% | Water — 0.01%Life — 0.05% | Death — 1.1%Light — 0.001% | Dark — 0.95%Order — LOCKED | Chaos — 0.67%
AchievementsLittle Turd, Fumitox
Active SkillsEvil Overlord Laugh — MAXMad Vivisector's Cackle — MAXShinigami FaceYaki — Lv. 1Meditation — Lv. 1
Passive SkillsGamer's Body, Gamer's Mind, Regeneration
TraitsPlayer, Jinchuriki, Demon, Uzumaki Blood
Trait: Jinchuriki— The Nine-Tailed Fox is sealed inside you.Effects: Control −100. Faction: Konoha Civilians −3000.END +3, STR +2, HP +200, Chakra +500. x2 Chakra Regen, x2 HP Regen.
Trait: Demon— They see you as the fox's embodiment and address you accordingly.Effects: Faction: Konoha Civilians −2000.Neutral standing with denizens of dark planes (they accept you as one of theirs).
Trait: Uzumaki Blood (Half-blood)Effects: END +2, HP +150, Chakra +200, +50 HP per level, +2 Chakra per level, Control −50, affinity for Fūinjutsu.
ReputationFaction: Konoha Civilians — −5000 (strong hatred)Faction: Aburame Clan — −1000Personal: Hiruzen Sarutobi — −500 (distrust)Personal: Danzo Shimura — +500 (interest)Personal: Inoichi Yamanaka — −2000Personal: Orochimaru — +100
"…The hell is this 'Race: Unidentified Malevolent Thing' crap? I'm human."
[System: Audit]— You house a Nine-Tailed demon, host a cockroach–xenomorph colony in your head, and your soul is an off-worlder that consumed a newborn's spirit. Denizens of dark planes recognize you as kin. Still insisting on "human"?
"—Well, Lina Inverse as my mother-in-law… you've got me there." With tenants like these and that origin story, "human" is… aspirational. Whatever. Race isn't the moneymaker here.
"Shinobi Larva," though? Not "caterpillar," not "pupa"—larva. I feel like a maggot in a dung heap.
[Ta-da!]INT +1
That… does not make me feel better. I can feel myself getting smarter and simultaneously feel like a clown for complaining.
MP locked. Which implies it can be unlocked. Imagine slinging spells on top of jutsu. I become bullet hell with legs. Filing under "Soon™."
"Body Structure" is an editor with stupid potential. Hair? Eyes? Extra organs? Wings? All possible—gradual, pricey, but possible. We'll tinker when I'm not broke and starving.
Control at −150—expected with a fuzzball in my gut and a swarm in my skull. Luck at 1? Painful, not fatal. Probably.
Achievements? I wish I hadn't clicked. Skills? Fine, I knew those. Traits connect the "why demons nod when I walk by." Reps are exactly as toxic as I expected.
Also, fun note: not a single quest popped for today.
[System: Daily Quest Generator — No suitable quest][Hint: Consider adjusting Message Filters and Quest Preferences to avoid… malnutrition.]
Hah. Cute. Tomorrow I'll poke the forum, the shop, and the auction. Tonight I finish this cup of salty sadness, file thirty-seven new faces in the Virtual Enemy Ledger, and figure out how to turn a village-wide hate boner into EXP and ryo.
Priority list stays simple: eat better, get stronger, get richer. Then we find out whether I torch this place… or just redecorate.