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Chapter 8 - Bandages on a Gash

I know that everything is "good" but it's not. You think that you are going to be the hero, the one who fixes everything, but you won't. You broke your barriers all too late, and Miyuki is dead. She is gone to the wind, her story lost before she even could reach the coda, and nobody is left to remember her but me, Ryuzen definitely doesn't any more, he's been broken to the point of insanity. But you, you still hadn't realized, you had broken through the disillusions of the past, but were still lost in those of your present.

You now knew that you could still be the hero.

I knew you weren't, but I've already said my opinion.

Leaving the cemetery, you were strangely at peace, yes the guilt still hung in your heart, but a sort of fragile hope had risen. You now know how you had to approach this, you would do all the right things, rekindle all the burnt bridges. 

So, as you got in your car, you pulled out your phone and began to text, you always preferred to call, but you assumed that Kazuki wouldn't be available.

Kazuki, I'm sorry for freaking out at you. However, I wanted to be honest, Ryuzen is missing, kidnapped, and I'm working to find him.

To your surprise, Kazuki responded almost immediately.

No worries! Is there anything I can do for Ryuzen? I'm sorry too, I wasn't entitled to seeing him after being an absentee father. Meet at the park, same place, same time later today?

You took in a breath, were you ready to have a civil conversation with him? But you had to do the right thing, and he deserved to know what was going on with his son. You were going to fix this together. So, you replied.

See you then.

Kazuki liked the message, and you closed your phone.

Sure enough, you felt calmer, this had been the right thing to do and you had just been too stubborn. You took a deep breath and laid your thoughts straight. Now that that was done, you had to reconnect with your mother. You had almost forgotten about that phone call you had with your mother, it seemed to be ever so long ago, time had seemed to slow as you were investigating, and you couldn't even recall how long ago that call with your mother had been.

So, you decided to call her again, and she picked up, again, after the first ring as always.

"Eiko, I have so much to tell you!"

"Yes, did you act on any of the hints?" You answer with a bit of hope.

There's a pause, as if she was trying to think.

"Umm– no. But, I found old yearbook pictures of Ryuzen! He was so cute, but he always looked a little– well a little not there. Are you sure he was alright? What if he kidnapped himself?"

"Mom! Don't be ridiculous, no, he did not kidnap himself. But I do know, I can now see how I mistreated him and Miyuki," you paused, getting choked up thinking of Miyuki, "Miyuki– she died."

She sounded surprised when she replied, "You didn't know? That was more than two months ago now. How far back does your neglect go?"

You could hear it in her tone, the way her perception of you shifted. It grew more distant, and a little cold, as if she held what you had done against you.

Fidgeting with your rings, you let out a long breath, shrinking a little. Maybe this wouldn't be as easy as you thought.

"Mom, I know I wasn't the best. But don't you see? This is my opportunity to make up, once I'm reunited with Ryuzen, he will see that I have become what I once was, before I went so astray, and he will forgive me, he will come back, I just know he will. He's my baby after all," As you spoke, the hopeful rush of words grew quicker and quicker as your excitement grew.

Your mother's voice was gentle, it was obvious she was trying to lessen the blow, "Honey, I don't know. How can he forgive what you did? I saw the look of despair he had in those photos, and I just wish that I hadn't grown so distant from you, not for your sake, but his and Miyuki's."

"But Mom–"

She hung up.

You collapsed down, this was so difficult, being angry was so much easier. But no– you could not give in to your craving of aggression. You needed to be the bigger person for Ryuzen, and in order to do that, you had to let go and forgive. 

What had you been thinking? In your obsession with finding Ryuzen you had ruined your connections with so many people, now you needed to apologize to Irina and her family.

It hurts me, watching you go to such lengths to become the hero. But you were already the villain, and even after making up, trying to bandage the bloody gashes, some wounds never heal, they just leave long, thick scars. Sometimes, wounds kill. 

You now were heading back to the apartment, today had been a large adventure for you, and you had driven more than two hours in total, between visiting the beach, the park, the old house, the funeral home and cemetery, and now, finally returning home.

When you reached the building and parked your car, the journey up the stairs felt long, contemplative. You weighed who could be the kidnapper.

It was not your ex-husband, you could trust him.

It was not Miyuki, she died two months ago.

It was not Irina, she didn't know you well enough to pull off such a thing.

It could only be Ryuzen, but he would never do such a thing. You dug your nails into your temples, it was not Ryuzen! Why did your mind keep conjuring such painful ideas? You were a broken mother, working to heal herself and rescue her son, you did not make him leave. It was not you, you weren't the problem.

You were a broken mother, failing at healing herself, misguided by her own deceptions, and you were always the problem.

Finally you reached the sixth floor and walked over to Irina's door, knocking on it.

This time, instead of her son answering, it was Irina, "What do you need?"

You backed up, "I just wanted to apologize for any confusion I might have caused, did you find the gift?"

Irina blinked, "Yes we did. If you mean this stupid shell necklace, you can have it back."

She plopped a long silver chain into your hand.

"You don't want it?"

Irina straightened, looking down her nose at you.

"Not from you. You are not good, we cannot trust you."

"I'm sorry for what I've done, how can I fix it?" You genuinely wanted to fix it, you needed to be better, and that started with healing what you had done wrong.

I've already said, slapping bandages over a gash does nothing to heal it.

"Nothing. You violated our trust. Goodbye," Irina's reply was harsh, cold, her eyes looking over you.

"But Irina, please–"

"Goodbye," Her response was harsh, final. 

Then, the door slammed shut in front of you. 

Shoot.

I had been right, reconstructing burned bridges is hard, sometimes impossible.

You stand there, silent. There was no way to fix this. Why was everything so difficult? You could now remember exactly why you had built the walls and barriers around yourself, not letting anybody in, because it was so, so much harder to try.

For the next few hours after you returned to your apartment, you would sit by your table, waiting for the time to near seven so you could meet up with Kazuki. You felt empty, defeated. Only one-third of your attempts to reach out had been successful. What had become of you? What had you done in your grief? You royally screwed up your life even past the mess it had been in just a few days. You had nobody left who could support you, except your ex-husband, and that on its own was twisted.

Now, could you understand how Miyuki felt? She had nobody, and at such a young age she had to support Ryuzen, all by herself, without the motherly love she deserved.

You glanced down at your watch, APR 20 6:51 PM. Had it really only been three days since your son had gone missing, two since you'd noticed. That felt almost impossible, you couldn't even remember how things had been just three days ago. 

No time to reflect, you had to meet with Kazuki at the park. You scrambled out the door and down the stairs, putting on your shoes in a rush, and were panting by the time you reached your bike— you were forty-nine, and it was showing. You quickly unchained your bike and hopped on it, as you were running late, only having twelve minutes to bike to the park. When you arrived, at 7:01, Kazuki was already there, sitting on the bench.

"Kazuki, sorry for being late," You made out through gasps of air.

"It's fine."

Kazuki looked relaxed, as if your previous meetup hadn't been so disastrous.

"Look, I'm sorry for what happened last time. I'm not looking for help with Ryuzen, I'm looking to apologize for how I acted. I know that there is no excuse, but I was stressed, and I'm genuinely sorry."

You found it difficult to apologize to Kazuki, and you were inwardly cringing, but you knew that it was necessary if you wanted to redeem yourself and become a mother that Ryuzen could accept. Twisting your rings, you took in a large breath of air, waiting for Kazuki's response.

"That's fine. I never wanted to help. That's not what I was offering either. I just wanted to end on the same page, now that we've both apologized, let's move on."

You nodded, even though you weren't wholly ready to move on, it was difficult to forget what he had done to you before your divorce, although for the first thirteen years of your marriage, all was good, only in the final two did things go sour. That made you wonder, had you been wrong? Had you left him too early, should you have given him another chance? 

No. 

You must be reasonable with yourself. 

But, if you wanted Ryuzen to forgive you for nine years of abuse, wasn't it hypocritical for you to not be able to forgive Kazuki for two? But maybe, you didn't think, because you didn't try to empathize with Ryuzen, you only told yourself what you wanted to hear, which is just as bad as the things you fed yourself about what you had done to your children. How could you not see that?

You swallowed your doubt before responding, "Kazuki, you're right, let's move on."

Twinging inside, you knew that this is not what you really thought, but it was the only way, the only way for Ryuzen to come back to you.

After a few more minutes of talking, the conversation was clearly over.

You biked home slowly, your legs heavy, your mind heavier. The sun dipped behind the tall and imposing buildings, casting the city in long, reaching shadows, which contrasted with the final dying golden rays of light on the horizon.

When you finally reached the apartment, after having chained up your bike outside and having managed to drag your exhausted body up the stairs, you unlocked the door and stepped inside without turning on the lights. You didn't need them. You knew every corner of this place, every misaligned board, every chipped fleck of paint on the painfully unadorned wall.

You sat down at the table.

And waited.

And waited.

What for you didn't know– only that it had to mean something. This mess, this wreck, something could be rebuilt, but you knew that somethings couldn't.

Ryuzen would come back. He was your baby. He had to.

And you?

That was something different– but you would try. It's all you had left to give.

But even as you laid on the floor, lacing and unlacing the necklace around your fingers, a quiet part of your mind which you had tried to block out pushed through– 

What if you were too late?

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