I slowly sat up, looking at Xue Ruyu sitting beside me. She was breathtakingly beautiful, her brows slightly furrowed with concern, tears glistening in her eyes; her pearly teeth nibbling at her cinnabar-stained lips, her delicate fingers clutching a sweetly scented silk kerchief, and with her intricate makeup, she resembled the ethereal fairies described in literature.
Seeing the surprise in her expression, I would have once believed it was from gratitude for my recovery, but now I couldn't help but suspect that her shock was because I had managed to open my eyes at all… The very thought sent a chill down my spine.
Of all the beauties in the vast imperial harem, she was once my most cherished, but now her sight chills me. Yet, despite this, when I lay my eyes on her face once more, my heart still twinges with pain, for I once devoted everything to this woman, because, indeed, I genuinely loved her, loved her so much.
"Even though Your Majesty's horse was frightened, thankfully, the Emperor enjoys divine protection, unscathed by heaven's grace. Once back in the palace, I will surely spend time in the Buddhist hall, praying for Your Majesty's health every morning and evening for three months, to guarantee His Majesty's enduring health and prosperity, may you live long, long, long live." Xue Ruyu said, her hands joined in prayer, her voice choked with sobs, her face showing true emotion, her eyes as clear and bright as the sun and moon.
If earlier I harbored any faint hope, making excuses for her, thinking that my poisoning was merely a bizarre dream or that I was under someone's spell, that hope has now vanished completely. Because those events did indeed occur, and her words match exactly. They were not dreams; I had actually died once before, in a manner both pitiful and tragic.
If you're wondering why I recall everything with such clarity, it's all because of Xue Ruyu's demeanor towards me.
Xue Ruyu typically carries herself with a cool detachment, seeming lofty and distant, her love for me always steady and without much excitement. Hence, I vividly recall each instance she smiled or cried for me, etched deep within, and this occasion is no exception.
If my memory serves me right, this must be the autumn of my fifth year as emperor, during our yearly hunting expedition in the Western Mountains. My horse got stung by a wasp, which caused it to panic and gallop away, throwing me off. I hit my head and lost consciousness.
That time when I regained consciousness, witnessing Xue Ruyu shedding tears for me, the way my heart pounded is unforgettable. Nothing excites you more than seeing your beloved weep for you. I believed then that Xue Ruyu might have feelings for me, but I later learned how easily this affection could be shattered.
Reflecting on this, I shut my eyes, my hands tightly clasped, burying all those painful misconceptions in the depths of my heart. Henceforth, there will be no one I'll cherish in my life, no more Xue Ruyu.
"Your Majesty, why do you look so pale? Are you ill? I've sent Xiao Tao to call for the imperial physician; please, don't scare me." Xue Ruyu exclaimed in alarm, her voice betraying her deep concern.
Upon hearing her, I involuntarily turned my gaze to her. I couldn't fathom how you could still feign affection for someone you loathe so intensely in their presence.
Despite my tyranny as an emperor, I prided myself on being genuine in matters of the heart. To end up with nothing in return is a brutal irony. To be frank, I struggle to understand; is it really that difficult to reciprocate genuine affection with sincerity?
"Your Majesty, what's the matter?" Xue Ruyu inquired in a gentle voice, her fine brows furrowed, her face almost breaking into tears.
I slowly averted my eyes, speaking in a detached tone: "Yuanbao, relay my command; we'll put the hunt on hold. Everyone should go back to camp to rest; we'll prepare to return to the palace in two days."
After I spoke, I reclined slowly. Xue Ruyu moved to assist me, but I discreetly evaded her touch. At this point, the mere contact with this woman feels repulsive to me, yet I chose not to challenge her directly. On one hand, she hasn't done anything wrong in this moment, and on the other, her family members hold several court positions thanks to my appointments. An immediate confrontation could lead to unforeseen chaos.
Let them enjoy their freedom for a little longer; I'll even the score with them in time. I intend for those who once laughed joyously before me in my previous life to meet a wretched fate in this one.
"Your Majesty, you…" Xue Ruyu whispered, her gaze clouded with bewilderment, her face shadowed by ambiguity.
I flashed her a fake smile: "Consort Ru, you've been attending to me for so long, you must be exhausted. Go rest, and spare me the worry." Previously, any hint of her displeasure would prompt me to soothe her softly and flirt a little. But now, I lack the inclination; all I want is for her to vanish from my sight forever.
Hearing my words, Xue Ruyu's eyes brightened, and she offered me a subtle smile. Once she confirmed no one was watching, she planted a kiss on my cheek before gracefully lifting her skirt and stepping out of the imperial carriage.
After she left, I pulled a silk kerchief from my sleeve to clean my face, then passed it to Yuanbao, my attending eunuch, with the command, "Burn it."
Anything that Xue Ruyu has touched now feels contaminated to me.
Yuanbao promptly took it, lowered his head, and walked away, likely already well-adjusted to my capricious moods.
Alone in the imperial carriage, I lay in silence. The idea of getting a second shot at life still seemed surreal to me, yet, belief aside, I am undeniably alive at this moment.
I recall that I'm only twenty now, with ten years left before my kingdom and lineage fall.
Ten years.
Ten years, to the me from before, would have seemed like an abundance of free time, where I would have reveled in life, daily lost in pleasures and banquets. However, to me, now given a second chance, it feels like it could slip away in an instant.
At this thought, a pang struck my heart; the screams of my consorts at my deathbed, my children's cries, the grievances of the people beneath the city walls, and the pervasive blood came flooding back, looping endlessly in my mind, each cycle a testament to my tyranny. I shut my eyes, silent.
I believe these memories might torment me until my dying day.
In the midst of these thoughts, the image of Zhuo Wenjing surfaced, that delicate, defenseless figure; I found myself opening my eyes and sitting up, a subtle warmth stirring within me. Zhuo Wenjing, Zhuo Wenjing…
In that instant, my desire to see him was overwhelming, so I pushed aside the beaded curtain of the imperial carriage and stepped out. A quick-witted eunuch immediately came to assist me down from the carriage. Once on the ground, I stood silently, gazing at the landscape, where the imperial flags waved in the breeze, their rustling like the melody of an old tune.
For some reason, I sensed something was amiss. Upon spotting the Imperial Guard in the distance, I realized the source of the oddity. Given my injury, I should have returned to the palace to recover, so why was I still in the imperial carriage? Moreover, aside from my carriage and Xue Ruyu's sedan, there were hardly any other ministers in sight.
Could it be that Xue Ruyu is planning to make her move while I'm vulnerable? Come to think of it, she seldom sheds tears for me; was her kindness today merely because I unexpectedly regained consciousness, an act to conceal her true motives…
At this thought, a shiver ran through me. Once doubt takes root, I'm compelled to view everything she does with the worst possible thoughts, unable to undo it, nor can I undo it.
"Your Majesty, Imperial Physician Zhang is here." While I was caught up in my tangled thoughts, Yuanbao's high-pitched voice broke through. I looked up to see Yuanbao, with Imperial Physician Zhang Tingyu right behind him.
Zhang Tingyu, the head of the Imperial Medical Academy, holding a fifth-rank position, was over sixty yet remained vigorous and loyal. However, disillusioned by my conduct and unable to dissuade me, he chose to resign and return home during my seventh year as emperor. I wonder if the disasters that followed affected him.
Zhang Tingyu paid his respects by bowing, and I collected my thoughts, speaking in a mild tone, "Lord Zhang, please stand, there's no need for such formalities."
Upon hearing my words, Zhang Tingyu visibly shuddered, his gaze meeting mine, filled with unmasked shock and astonishment. I guess my reputation as a tyrant is so notorious that this unexpected kindness was a bit much for everyone to handle.
"I'm fine, I feel like taking a walk. Everyone except Yuanbao, you may leave." I said in a calm tone, then headed towards the dense forest ahead with Yuanbao following silently by my side.
I recall that Zhuo Wenjing would always join the annual autumn hunt. No matter my personal feelings towards him, his presence was mandatory at such events, given his status as the empress. However, all I saw back then was Xue Ruyu, who was always in my arms and never gave him a proper look.
Right now, I suddenly felt an urge to meet him. I recall when he was named Empress, he was slender but not as fragile as he would later appear. The image of his last smile while cradling me made my heart clench, and the idea of seeing him again brought with it a touch of apprehension.
Brow slightly creased, I made my way towards the thicket of trees. I felt the need to compose myself before meeting Zhuo Wenjing; otherwise, I couldn't predict what irrational things I might do.
After a few steps, Yuanbao approached and whispered, "Your Majesty, the forest can be treacherous; perhaps you should take some of the skilled Imperial Guards with you?"
I gave him a look, and seeing it, Yuanbao was taken aback, quickly lowering his head and stepping back.
I averted my gaze without a word. Yuanbao has always been by my side; he's quite astute and loyal, perhaps too loyal, as he doesn't differentiate between right and wrong.
I favored Xue Ruyu, and he would keep his peace; I was cruel, yet he remained at my side; if there was someone out to kill me, he'd stand in the way… Overall, he's someone who only considers me, probably because he's been looking after me since childhood.
Reflecting on all this, I sighed softly within, making my way along the forest's riverbank, seeking to soothe my troubled mind with nature's tranquility.
I paused after a few steps; there was a figure standing before us, hands clasped behind his back, gazing upward at an ancient tree. His robe, a vibrant yellow, was adorned with intricate embroidery depicting a hundred birds and a phoenix…
A slight flutter in my heart, I stepped forward. The rustle of leaves beneath my feet made him pause. As he turned around slowly, the long, thin scar on his forehead came into view…