There was a sensation of some hard loose objects moving in my mouth and I have attempted to remove them by spitting those objects out into my cupped palm while standing in front of the mirror. Upon inspection of the palm's content there were bloody broken anatomical parts of several teeth: pieces of crowns, roots, and flakes of enamel. The sight filled me with dread: a problem with no solution.
I woke up in a cold sweat.
It was just a bad dream, a recurring dream. I do not dream much at night and if I do I have difficulty recalling those dreams. Most of them are sombre anyway.
I slowly sit up in my bed. The body feels heavy and so does the mind. I am no longer sure about yesterday's resolution to visit psychological rehabilitation center "Today's Paradise". Fast changing moods and thoughts are tiring.
After all, the package has not been addressed to me by name. "Resident in flat four-o-four on the Winter Gardenia Street" can be anybody simply residing at that address at any given time. It's highly likely that there is some cultish organization behind all this trying to recruit new members. I have heard a little about cults that they try to attract vulnerable new members and extract from them (members) all they can. Yesterday I was self-deceiving by thinking that some reputable entity could have noticed my existence and have invited me to join their team as a "unique fit". How naive of me to be entertaining such thoughts. I must "go back to reality".
Yesterday's rain has subsided for a short period. The air is fresh, clean and humid. Perfect conditions for a walking meditation in the park. The same daily walk in the park for almost a decade but each time the walk feels different. I keep (re)ordering my inner thoughts, discovering the new ones, discarding the outdated. Barely paying attention to the exterior because it is "constant" in a way: every day encountering the same dog walkers. I have learned the names of their dogs (and their breeds) but not the names of the dog walkers. Occasionally, early morning fishermen and campers appear.
Being so used to unchanging surroundings it's quite unsettling when they change all of a sudden.
I kept walking in profound contemplation one winter morning when what appeared like a big dog emerged from the densely tangled bushes engulfed by an unusually thick veil of fog some thirty meters away.
"A little irresponsible of the dogwalker to keep a German Shepherd of the leash," I thought to myself.
I will continue standing still and wait for its owner to catch up with their pet.
After a second look at the animal I noticed that it was dark as charcoal with yellow amber-like eyes fixated onto my eyes.
As far as I know nobody walks a dog like this around. Perhaps, somebody new moved in and took their dog for a walk.
Thirty seconds later a second "dog" emerged from the bushes followed by two more. All of them stood still fixating their gaze on me. I kept pondering what exactly I would say to the "irresponsible dog master" walking four big dogs without leashes in a public park. Then realization rushed into my mind that those creatures are "masters onto themselves", i.e., a pack of wolves: a she-wolf and three of her offspring almost her size.
Now what?
There were trees nearby and I was considering the possibility of climbing one of them. There was a lake a few meters away from me covered with a very thin sheet of ice. Hence, also a possible option for escaping the unexpected emergency situation.
While I was busy choosing a "more economic plan of action" between the two possibilities mentioned above, the pack of wolves had returned back into the wilderness of the bushes.
People have learned so much about the anatomy, physiology, breeding cycles and diseases of animals but still there is something quite powerful about them which remains unknown to the mind.
This summer morning's walk was routine as usual. On my way back from the park I passed a local supermarket.
"Serenity (that's my name contrary to my nature),"I heard a familiar voice. That was my parents' neighbor.
"How have you been? Have you found a job yet? And how about a significant other? It's about time, you know. My daughter has a fulfilling career as a doctor and a caring husband; CEO of something, I have forgotten, because it's a foreign company name. And you, my dear?"
"Thank you for asking, Auntie. (I know it's not easy for you to imagine different versions of life's trajectory apart from the one and only in your head). I work remotely if you understand what I mean. And if you don't, I am sorry, I cannot explain it to you right now because duty urgently calls me online at this very moment. Good day, Auntie!"
"Oh, I also wanted to ask you whether your mother was doing alright, but never mind since you're in a hurry..."
What is she referring to? Has she overheard my parents' heated exchange regarding the "office affair" yesterday?
I kept lingering on the spot.
"You must know that due to the heavy rain we had an emergency in our basements, in our gardens and on the street yesterday. The emergency services were called to respond. Neighbors were surprised to see a team of two "water emergency response specialists" in sneakers when all of us neighbors were wading through the accumulated flood waters in rain boots. Seeing the situation on the ground the "emergency response team" made a remark about the "water pumps being at overcapacity at the water station" without stepping out of the service vehicle. They added that there was nothing they (emergency response service from the water company) could help us with and left. Sorry, for delaying you. You mentioned you were in a hurry."
"It's O.K. Please, do finish what you wanted to say."
"I know that your father is a retired civil engineer of frail health. Hence, he physically could not go down the manhole in order to inspect the water pipe damage. We neighbors understood that."
"And so?.."
"And so he psychologically persuaded your mother (of retirement age) to go underground; for two and a half meters down the manhole. The water drainage pipe was blocked and so she kept cleaning it with a shovel and a bucket. She used to pass the debris filled bucket to your father who in his turn would empty all the debris out. They kept working for five hours like that. We elderly neighbors are very grateful to her for all the hard work!"
It's surreal what I have just heard, if true. Two retired persons with mental and physical health issues teamed up for a "heroic deed" of cleaning the blocked water drainage pipe two and a half meters underground (down the manhole) because emergency response service team came in sneakers and didn't follow up with a thorough local water drainage system examination.
"Dear Auntie, thank you for the "good news" (pipe unblocked) but I must truly go now."
I must be overthinking and overreacting to neighbor's words at the moment. This cannot be true. I need some proof. None of the parents mentioned anything yesterday on the phone. They (parents) better continue with making another episode of "family affairs" drama (the possibility is high because the water emergency response team were both male) rather than descending underground down the manhole at their age and of reduced physical agility. What if this is true? I feel overwhelmed again at the fact that people with mental health issues put their physical wellbeing at risk so easily. I must be overthinking. After all, the neighbor confirmed that the "operation blocked pipe" was a "success" (no matter the cost). So why needlessly worry then?
I try to reach mother on her mobile phone but the phone kept ringing without any response. Father was also unreachable by phone. But I need somebody to talk to. I quickly find the number of the local NGO group providing adults with an emotional support.
Emotional support volunteer (ESV): "Hello, how can we help you tonight?"
Me: "Good evening, I feel emotionally overwhelmed by the intrafamily matters. Could you provide me with some guidance, please?"
ESV: "We need to hear more details about the circumstances that make your emotions unstable."
Me: "It's my parents' dysfunctional relationship, their behavior and mental health. What do I do?"
ESV: "Have you tried talking to your parents about the issue?"
Me: "Yes, I have but talking doesn't help."
ESV: "Perhaps, your wording wasn't quite on point?"
Me: "I don't know. Maybe..."
ESV: "Have you tried setting boundaries with your parents?"
Me: "I have tried setting emotional and mental boundaries with my parents. Now, that I made some boundaries visible they know what to target next."
ESV: "Setting boundaries work for many people. We think you need to try harder."
Me: "I see. It's very likely that subconsciously I am after the quick fixes."
ESV: "You seem to have turned your parents' problems into your own. Try to explore this alley a little more and we are almost certain that you will make surprising discoveries."
Me: "Thank you for your guidance and support. I will give it a go. Goodnight."
ESV: "Goodnight."
It's time for my evening herbal infusion. I need to unwind. Tomorrow is another day.