What I hated the most about coming back to school? The red and yellow colors of my high school uniform. Ugh. Clown couture.
I was digging through my closet, trying to find a hoodie that would cover most of it when I spotted something-an expired chocolate bar I'd left before summer break.
"Hey, Tat!" someone called behind me.
"Who?" I said, holding up the chocolate bar like it held answers.
The voice called again. "Tat?"
"Oh my god, sorry-ADHD, lol."
Holy moly Bloody Mary. Who is this?
"Emmeline, do you see what I see?"
"Emmi?"
She was frozen beside me, jaw slightly open. I pinched her arm.
"Ow! OMG, Taylor?!" Emmeline finally screamed.
Wait. Taylor? Is that Taylor-the nerdy kid who's been obsessed with me since third grade? But that Taylor was awkward, Small and Always chewing on hoodie strings and blushing if I said hi.
This Taylor? This one is not that boy. This one is a man.
He has short, dark hair-like the night-with a glimpse of blue when the light hits it. It reminds me of calmness. Of home. His eyes are onyx, shining with something deep. Something like purpose. His skin is tanned now-not the awkward, dusty shade he had back in middle school. No, this tan is something else. This tan makes me want to reach out. Just to see if it's real.
And his lips... full. Toned in that strange mix of blue and pink, like they couldn't decide on a color so they picked both-danger and softness.
I heard he went to rehab last year to get clean from whatever he was on. Drugs. Pills. Cigarettes. Still fighting that last one, I think. But if drugs turn boys into this, then damn-maybe we need more of that. Because I need more... of this.
And oh my god-those muscles. His arms looked carved. And his... his-
"TAT?" Taylor laughed.
I realized I hadn't been as private with my thoughts as I thought. My face always gives me away.
"Yeah, hi! I'm sorry, I just... you surprised me. Yeah. Just surprised with all this-I mean, your exquisite change. I almost didn't recognize you!" I snapped awkwardly.
"Yes Taylor, you seem like you finally hit puberty!" Emmi added, equally awkward, just before someone hugged me from behind.
"At least someone did!" the person said.
I turned around to see who it was-before I was pushed and stumbled and Taylor caught me.
OMG. Am I dreaming? Am I finally getting my high school love story?
But I always liked haters-to-lovers more.
"Oww, what a couple," said a voice.
I turned around and-there was my freaking cousin.
"What the fuck are you doing here, Adam!" I snapped.
"I got my ass accepted into your high school with a scholarship," he said casually.
"What?" I groaned.
"Ah, stop acting like you didn't know. This took a whole year. No way your father didn't tell you," he laughed while walking off-knowing very well how things are between me and my father.
And no, I wasn't surprised that he hadn't told me.
"Hey! Where are you staying?" I called after him.
"Tafukt, you'll be seeing me first thing when you wake up and last before you sleep," he said, scanning me in the most disgusting way before stalking off.
"Tat, is everything alright? Who was that?" Emmi asked. Taylor was staring too, along with half the school. I didn't realize I'd been that loud.
But what I cared about most at that moment wasn't them. It was my father.
"Taylor, it was nice to see you again. Emmi, can you take my books to class? I have to make a phone call." I smiled and rushed off-to the bathroom.
I locked the door, leaned against it with my leg like it was some kind of shield, and shattered.
I cried as hard as I could, trying to push the weight out of my chest. It hurt so much.
And the worst part? I didn't need to confirm anything. I knew Adam wasn't lying.
I knew my father.
He's the kind of man who sits at the table and eats so loudly you can't ignore him, yet he never talks, never laughs, never looks at you, never responds when you speak.
At best, he's just... there. Not as a father. Just a man who pays the rent and lives in the same house.
I cried my ass out. I cried and cried. I felt like I was going to explode. Years of trauma melting into tears, demanding release. And I didn't feel ashamed of being weak.
The pain I felt was hard to explain.
Any normal person would get mad or cry a bit-but not like this.
No one would ever know what it feels like to have a father who's not really there.
Who isn't present. It's a loop of wanting and hating.
A maze-you know the way out, but you still hope it'll accept you. That it'll welcome you into its walls or give you the prize it protects.
But I can't escape a feeling without escaping the person. And my father... he's that person.
"Enough weeping like a child. Get yourself together," I told myself, cleaning my face with cold water.
I looked at my reflection in the mirror. And there it was again-pity. I always felt sorry for this girl. She deserved more than this.
When I left the bathroom, I stumbled into someone-hard. I couldn't tell if it was a chest or a back. I was dizzy, about to fall-
But a hand caught me, lifted me slightly, and held me against a firm chest.
I looked up-and there were green eyes staring back at me. Like the forest. Deep, calm, but unsettling.
"Are you okay, Taty?" Dreck asked.
"H-hi," I murmured, lost in the islands of his eyes.
"Hi," he said with a soft laugh, gently lowering me to the ground. I wish he hadn't.
"Are you okay? Did you break a bone?" he asked, scanning me. I felt a shiver crawl up my spine.
"Yap. I'm not that easy. I might be small, but I've got a big soul," I said awkwardly.
"I know. You made that clear with Mr. Müller that year," he said with a smirk as he started to walk away.
I cringed, but if there's one thing I've mastered more than flirting, it's protecting my ego-even if it means roasting my crush.
"At least I have the balls to stand up for myself. I heard you were blackmailed last year. That's why you disappea-"
Before I could finish, Dreck's hand was over my mouth, slamming me into the wall in one brutal second. My heart raced. I felt like I was going to faint.
This time, I didn't see calmness in those eyes.
I saw danger.