It's been five days now, hasn't it...
Or rather, it's New Year's Eve.
Five days had passed since Nada-san stopped calling me.
Today is New Year's Eve, the last day of the year, to be spent with family, friends, or a boyfriend or girlfriend.
I was kicked out of my house for coming out as gay.
So I have no home to go back to.
I don't regret it. If I had stayed in that house, hiding it all, I'm sure I would have gone crazy.
"I think there was a countdown party happening somewhere."
I searched for an email that had come from my favorite gay bar.
The email was easy to find, and it said the party started at 6 p.m.
Five days had passed since I'd seen Nada-san.
He had started appearing in my dreams. I don't want to admit it, but I'm worried about him.
"Haa..."
I rolled around on the electric blanket in my room.
Without a kotatsu, the electric blanket was my best friend.
That's probably because it doesn't get that cold in this area.
Back home, when I was a kid, it always snowed in the winter, and I was always dragged out to shovel.
A kotatsu was a necessity, and I often fell asleep inside it.
"I have no motivation."
I woke up late and ate the sweet bread I bought yesterday.
After that, I did nothing but lounge around.
My eyes kept flicking to my phone.
Until that incident on Christmas, he used to contact me about once every three days.
That person gets lonely easily, after all.
His emails would say things like, "How are you?" — things you wouldn't ask someone you talk to that often.
It feels so long ago...Brrrring
Suddenly, the phone rang.
It vibrated on the table. I sat up and grabbed it, a strange sense of hope rising in me.
Nada-san!
His name appeared on the screen.
"Hello?"
I told my heart to be still and feigned a calm voice.
But there was no reaction from the other side.
"Nada-san? Hello? Did you dial by mistake?"
It's New Year's Eve. Knowing him...
He might have been making a ruckus with everyone and accidentally called me.
But I wish he would have said at least one word.
Feeling disappointed, I was about to hang up the phone.
"Tadashi!"
But then, he called out my name, and I quickly brought the phone back to my ear.
"Are you free today?"
It was a sudden question. Today, New Year's Eve.
I'm free, but why?
One question after another popped into my head.
"Um... I guess you could say I'm free." I answered, still confused.
"Then let's go see the first sunrise of the new year."
The first sunrise?
Just the two of us? Why?
The questions kept coming.
But I was so happy to hear from him after so long that I just said, "Yes."
When he heard my answer, Nada-san said he would come by in an hour and then hung up.
One hour—
Well, since it's just for one night, I don't need much prep, but I really do think this person is so self-centered.
As I thought about how Mita-senpai must have been at his beck and call, I realized that I didn't mind being at Nada-san's beck and call at all.
It's always been like this.
It doesn't make me feel bad.
He's so innocent, like a child. That man.
Being with him is fun.
I put a towel and a change of clothes into a sports bag, things that probably aren't necessary.
Suddenly, my eyes landed on a box of condoms, and my hand stopped.
No, no, what am I thinking?
I hated myself for even having such a thought for a second.
I opened my closet and chose a jacket to wear.
But while my eyes were on the jackets, my mind was on something else.
Nada-san, that Nada-san.
It's impossible.
He holed up in his room just because he woke up with his head on my lap.
It's impossible.
Or rather, do I want to be with him like that? It can't be, can it?
I was dumbfounded by the conclusion my thoughts reached.
But my phone rang loudly, snapping me back to reality.
It was Nada-san, and it seemed he had already arrived downstairs at the apartment.
I let out a big breath, nonchalantly grabbed a down jacket, and put it on.
Then I grabbed my bag and left the apartment.
Nada-san's car is a sedan, a silver car body with no distinguishing features, the kind you could see anywhere.
So, when we meet outside, it can be hard to find.
Today, he called, and Nada-san was standing outside, so I found him right away.
"Hello."
When I greeted him, he answered with a vague, "Ah."
Feeling a bit concerned, I sat down in the passenger seat, and Nada-san, who had returned to the driver's seat, suddenly lit up.
I have no idea what that was about?
"Nada-san? Did something good happen?"
"Nothing at all. Let's get going."
He laughed at my question and then drove off.
He was in a great mood, looking ahead happily.
Well, whatever.
Nada-san's actions are often unexpected.
I stopped worrying about his baffling behavior and looked ahead as well.
"We're here."
After driving for two hours, the talkative Nada-san had been chatting the whole time, and I hadn't gotten bored.
The inn we arrived at was completely traditional Japanese style. It was a well-established, old-fashioned inn with a beautiful garden.
We parked the car, but Nada-san didn't seem to be getting out. He looked like he was deep in thought, so I called out, "Nada-san?"
He seemed to snap back to reality and gave me a smile.
"Let's get out. The hot spring here feels amazing. After the bath, we'll have sake and great food. We'll drink until morning, then watch the first sunrise!"
He suddenly said that with high spirits and got out of the car.
I really don't get him.
But he said "hot spring," didn't he?
I knew there'd be a hot spring, but going with Nada-san... Going with him...
My feelings were complicated. I followed Nada-san, and we checked in at the inn and headed to our room.
The moment we arrived in the room, he dropped his luggage and started changing into his yukata, and I averted my gaze.
It's not that I minded.
But for me right now, it was a little too much.
"Um... I'll go in later," I said, getting a head start even though he hadn't invited me yet. Nada-san's face suddenly turned red. He hurriedly put on his yukata and tied the sash.
"Ah, well. I'll go ahead then."
He didn't make eye contact with me. He was distant as he left the room.
I wonder if he realized I was conscious of him.
For a gay guy to be in the same room with him in the first place was thoughtless.
What would he do if I made a move on him?
No, he probably hasn't even considered that.
Does that mean he feels that safe with me? That he trusts me that much?
...That's a problem.
I'm extremely conscious of him now.
Even though Nada-san isn't even my type.
Why do I care so much?
The surprisingly pale skin I glimpsed when he was changing is now burned into my memory.
Medium build—not skinny.
But his backside has a nice shape to it. It looks soft for a guy...
No, what am I imagining?
Stop it. Stop it.
I made a move on Mita-senpai back then because he was so cute and left himself so vulnerable, but
I don't want to repeat the same mistake.
Mita-senpai forgave me, but Nada-san would probably never forgive me.
Even if I succeeded, our relationship would be destroyed.
I want to stay friends with Nada-san.
It's fun to be with him, and I feel calm when he's around. He's not a boring person, and I want to
keep this relationship.
So, I'll endure it.
I'll try not to be conscious of him as much as possible.
That's what I decided for myself.
I tried to close my eyes and calm my heart. I had to sleep in the same room with him. It would require a great deal of patience. The fact that we were wearing something as risky as yukatas made it even more dangerous.
A yukata, huh...
Now that I think about it, I'd never worn one before.
How do you put it on again?
I grabbed the yukata that was neatly folded on the tatami mat.
Back in my hometown, there were summer festivals, but I'd never worn a yukata. I'd never stayed at a hot spring inn either...
Matching yukatas with Nada-san.
That sounds fun.
I took off my clothes and began to change into the yukata.
Right over left? Left over right?
I'd heard it was different for men and women.
Ah, whatever.
The sash? Is there a special way to tie it?
No, I don't know.
I guess it doesn't matter.
And so, the first yukata I ever wore wasn't uncomfortable at all.
Should I take off my underwear too?
I'm going to take it off in the bath anyway.
I took off my underwear, and a rush of cold air came in from below, which felt strange.
I guess I should put them back on.
I ended up putting my underwear back on and walked around the room.
As I was doing this, I noticed the sunlight outside had changed. It was past noon and heading towards evening.
What time is it now?
I looked at my watch and saw it was 4:30.
Nada-san!
How long had he been in the hot spring?
I hurriedly left the room and headed towards the hot spring—the bathhouse.
As I was walking down the hallway, I found Nada-san stumbling along.
"Nada-san!"
He turned around at my call, but then collapsed right there.
"Nada-san! Nada-san!"
I held him up and called his name.
"Tadashi!"
Nada-san's eyes opened, and he jumped up as soon as he saw me.
"Are you okay?"
He's really on his guard. But why would he stay in the hot spring until he passed out?
"Ah, I'm fine."
Nada-san pulled away from me and stood up.
"Are you going to the hot spring now? It was great. Take your time and enjoy it."
Who was the one who stayed in until he got lightheaded?
I wanted to retort, but Nada-san was giving me an innocent smile. However, his smile lacked energy.
"Should I walk you back to the room?"
"Ah, no, it's fine. I can get back on my own."
Waving his hand at me, who was concerned, Nada-san started walking by himself. His steps were shaky, and I wanted to just carry him back to the room.
But of course, he'd hate that. After confirming that he had safely made it near the room, I decided to go ahead and soak in the hot spring since I was here.
After getting out of the bath, I returned to the room to find Nada-san with a gloomy expression and a luxurious kaiseki meal waiting for me.
...Was this because I had helped him up?
I felt like he was on guard against me.
The kaiseki menu was hot pot, sashimi, and tempura, and Nada-san was putting various ingredients into the pot. But the way he was doing it was awkward. It was like he was using his chopsticks strangely to avoid invading my space.
Did he think I would attack him?
Am I really that untrustworthy?
If I were going to attack him, I would have already done so.
I've already made up my mind.
I'm just going to be friends with Nada-san.
"Nada-san, here you go."
I poured sake into his small cup, which he held with an awkward motion. At first, he was tense, but as he drank, he gradually got drunk and returned to his usual self. After an hour, he was completely back to his cheerful Nada-san.
"Tadashi, thank you so much today. I got stood up by my friends, and I didn't know what I was going to do. I'm really happy you came."
He seemed truly happy, and his smile was about to burst. I also felt happy, and I let something I shouldn't have slip out.
"I'm glad you invited me. I was worried I might have made you mad since I hadn't heard from you since that Christmas incident."
"Oh, my bad. Sorry about that."
I was worried I might have reminded him, but Nada-san just looked a little embarrassed and didn't seem to be bothered by it, which was a relief.
"Tadashi, drink up. Let's drink together until morning today."
As if to prove it, he grabbed the sake carafe and poured sake into my cup. He continued to drink heavily, and once again, he leaned on my shoulder and fell asleep.
Seriously, was Nada-san always this weak? I've drunk with him many times. But he'd never fallen asleep on me except for that Christmas incident.
Does it mean he trusts me that much?
Even though he was on guard earlier?
He's a truly incomprehensible person.
Nada-san, who was sleeping soundly, was smiling happily.
I guess it can't be helped. I'll just let him sleep.
Deciding that, I gently laid him down.
Then, I laid out a futon in the other room and carried him there.
He was heavier than I thought when I picked him up, and I struggled to lay him down on the futon.
Perhaps because of this, his yukata was quite disheveled; the collar was wide open, and the hem had ridden up.
The exposed collarbone and his surprisingly pale chest came into view.
His legs, which were not very hairy, were visible up to his thighs, and they were very white and looked soft.
With trembling fingers, I straightened his collar and neatened the hem.
A surge of impulse to touch his bare skin and feel him ran through me, but I took a deep breath and suppressed it.
I'm confident I could make him feel something even on top of the futon.
I've never been with someone as carefree as him.
But regardless of his inexperience, the parts that would feel good must be the same.
But in the end, that would be nothing more than a moment of pleasure.
What would be left after that is a farewell.
An eternal farewell. And he would probably never forgive me.
I put the blanket over him and left the room. I wasn't confident I could control myself if I stayed in the same room.
I had them clear away the leftover food, but I asked them to leave the sake.
I was sipping it alone, but my mind was restless, so I got up.
The room was deathly quiet.
Only the sound of Nada-san's regular breathing could be heard.
Right now, he wouldn't notice if I touched him.
He might not even notice if I kissed him.
Such desires started to well up, and I turned my gaze to the window outside.
The garden was illuminated by a faint light. It was a beautiful garden when I saw it in the daytime.
But now, with almost no light, its shape was barely visible, and it had turned into a garden with nothing to look at.
Well, I guess no one would want to look at a garden at this hour.
A small sound suddenly came from behind me. The sound of a fusuma door sliding open.
I turned around to see Nada-san standing there, wearing a coat and looking cold.
"...You're up."
When I said that, he made a startled face.
"Did I... get drunk and fall asleep?"
He looked into space as if trying to recall his memories.
"Yes. So, I laid out a futon for you. How are you feeling?"
I answered cheerfully so he wouldn't be on guard against me. I didn't want him to think strange things. It was true that I wanted to touch and kiss him, but I didn't actually act on it.
"Oh, yeah. I don't seem to be hungover. Thank you."
He looked relieved and smiled.
"I'm glad."
What a heartbreaker.
He had no idea how much self-control I had to have.
"Is there something to see out there?"
"No, not really."
I wasn't looking at anything.
I just didn't want to look at Nada-san. I'm feeling a little strange right now. I might do something to him over the smallest thing.
"...Tadashi, do you like gardens?"
Unaware of my internal struggle, he innocently asked that.
"Uh, yeah, I guess."
I answered vaguely.
"That's right. Tadashi. Don't look at the garden. Why don't we go to the first shrine visit of the year?
The new year is about to begin. I was thinking of the first sunrise, but there's still too much time.
What do you say?"
Honestly, this person...
His suggestion was so sudden.
Does he even know where the nearest shrine is?
"...A shrine visit? Okay."