Oh dear God, is this how my best years are going to end? I no longer know who to trust.
After Chris finished talking, I said I wanted a coffee. We started drinking coffee in a café, sitting by the window, both of us watching outside silently.
The atmosphere was filled only with the music playing in the background.
What was going through his mind? Where was he telling the truth, and where was he lying?
I knew I wouldn't be able to tell anymore. Distrust is such a heavy feeling—and I knew I would never trust you again.
If we continued, it would be a world full of doubts.
If I didn't take you back, I knew I would miss you desperately—just like today, just like twenty years later.
I said, "Let's take it slow… I've been feeling awful these last few weeks. I still love you, but my disappointment is just as deep. Do you understand?"
He just looked at me. That's all. Just a look.
If he had begged a little, I would have forgiven him right away. But he only gave explanations, like my leaving didn't matter to him.
I knew I would be the one hurting in the end. And I knew—I would never believe anyone again.
Suddenly, I remembered: Am I paying off my karma?
Back in university, there was a guy who really loved me. I was being a bit flirtatious with him—he got his hopes up for us.
Then one day, I saw someone else and liked them instantly. I started showing interest and eventually began dating them.
That boy was left all alone. Maybe now, I needed to feel that same kind of betrayal and uncertainty—just like that boy in university.