I let out a breath I hadn't realised I held. "I can't tell you that. Not yet, maybe some other day." I said, and the admission felt like an opening in a dam, "But, we weren't lovers, to avoid any weird confusion."
" Ahh yes. Of course, sir. That thought never crossed my mind." He said hurriedly, guilt written all over his face.
Now, I realised that I was too tired to say anything. So, I leaned back, and stayed like that.
The exhaustion I had been fending off finally caught up. It's legs wrapping around my body and it's arms around my soul.
So the words ended by themselves, and there was nothing left to hide behind.
I hated to accept that all that talk about Durkren, the council, Allysane... as much as it was important, it had been a veil too.
I wanted to remember about her, and how it all came to be, but also because I wanted to wrap it around myself as to not face the thing gnawing inside me.
These suffocating feelings won't go away, not today, not tomorrow. So, distraction was the only option I had... and I grabbed it.
"I am tired," I said, quieter than I meant to. "And hungry. I haven't eaten since last night." My voice scraped raw. "We will continue it later. For now… wake me when you see a good restaurant."
Joshua nodded quickly, his eyes flicking to the road. "Yes, sir."
With that, I turned my head toward the window. The rain drew crooked lines across the glass, a restless grey curtain between me and the world.
It looked so pure, so clean... mocking me with the thought that water could wash anything away.
But not this.
Not what I was trying to escape from for the past hours.
Not the blood still staining my hands, not the mistakes carved into memory, not the weight of their facea before the end.
I closed my eyes.
The patter of rain was steady, and patient.
For the first time in what felt like days, I closed my eyes and let myself drift.
-----
A nudge on my shoulder pulled me back from the weightless dark.
For a moment I thought it was still raining inside my skull,the sound of it had folded into my dreams... but it was only the world outside, steady and soft.
"Sir," Joshua's voice was careful, as if waking me might break something fragile, "we are about to reach the place. A restaurant, just off the highway."
I blinked, and rubbed the sleep from my eyes.
My neck ached from leaning against the window, and my back was sore as well.
Sleeping in the car could never be comfortable. I saw up, and opened the window. Sprinkle of rain water splashed on my face but I welcomed the feeling.
The air smelled faintly of wet earth and fried food, and it almost felt like relief.
*screech!!*
The sound of tires stopping pulled me out of my trance. And I could see it, a squat building washed in yellow paint, lanterns glowing under the ceiling.
The sign above the door was sweet, the lettering cute, and the light spilling from inside carried a warmth that cut straight through the greys outside.
Against the damp drizzle clinging to the road, it looked almost like an ember someone had left alive.
I pushed the door open and stepped out.
My boots splashed into a shallow puddle, and for a moment I let the rain settle on me again, cool against the heat still trapped in my skin.
Joshua hovered beside me, ready with an umbrella he just opened. "Shall we?" he asked.
I nodded, finally pulling myself forward.
The bright door swung open with a creak, and the smell of broth, spices, and fresh bread rushed out, wrapping us in something I hadn't felt in a long time... something close to ordinary.
Inside, the place was plain but alive.
Wooden tables crowded close together, their surfaces worn smooth by years of elbows and plates.
A single counter ran along the far wall where steam curled up from pots, carrying the scent of meat and herbs.
The walls were painted in a cheerful yellow, and the colour was bright even with with age, patched evenly through it.
A few locals sat scattered in corners, hunched over bowls, some seemed to belong to their food more than the room.
A man laughed once, low and brief, but mostly the place was hushed, filled with the clatter of spoons and the low hum of rain outside.
Joshua slid into a bench opposite me, his posture straight, as though he wasn't sure what to do now.
I didn't speak, just raised a hand, and a girl in a green apron came over.
I asked for bread, broth, and tea.
Simple, yet enough to keep the body moving.
Joshua ordered the same. Though, i asked him if he wanted something else.
The table squeaked slightly when I leaned forward on my elbows.
For a long time neither of us spoke.
I let the quiet stretch.
The story I had been telling in the car still pulsed at the edges of my mind. But here, surrounded by warmth, by the ordinary rhythm of a place untouched by politics or prophecy... it felt farther away.
I preferred it like that.
I watched rain bead on the windowpane, streaking down in uneven trails.
My reflection blurred and broke with every droplet.
Joshua shifted, clearing his throat like he wanted to ask something, but when my eyes lifted to his, he thought better of it.
He busied himself with the notebook he hadn't touched in an hour, the pen tapping softly against its cover.
Somehow, at this place... all I wanted was silence, and yet not to be alone.
When the food came, I tore into the bread first, the crust cracking beneath my fingers.
Hunger made quick work of restraint, and I ate without speaking.
Only when the warmth of the broth finally hit my chest did I allow myself to breathe deeper, to feel the ache of exhaustion pull at me again.
"Good", I muttered across the table.
My voice was soft.
"Yes, true" He said, taking another bite.
For a moment, I almost forgot the weight of what waited to be told.
A line I once read surfaced in my mind...
'man is an animal suspended in webs of significance he himself has spun.'
And in that small restaurant, with rain outside and broth in front of me, I felt the truth of it more than ever.