The minutes ticked by as Rory watched Dillon pace the narrow space of the apartment. "Is it really that hard of a decision? When was the last time you chose something for yourself and only yourself instead of taking Rin's wants into consideration?" Rory watched as Dillon paused in contemplation, then eventually returned to pacing. "You never seemed to have a problem coming on to me before. What's the difference now? Was it a joke? Were you just trying to give Rin what he wanted back then, too?"
Dillon shoved his hands through his disheveled hair as he came to a stop in front of the couch. "Fuck, Rory… of course not…" His eyes moved over Rory, lingering longer than they should have, that much he knew. "I'm trying to do what I think is best right now… What I think you need rather than what I want most." He licked his lips before jerking his head away. He forced his feet away from the couch and made his way over to the cabinet where he kept his alcohol.
Rory watched as Dillon poured himself a generous glass of whiskey, then kicked it back like a shot before pouring a second one. He pushed himself up from the couch and walked slowly across the room. He watched as Dillon's spine grew more rigid with each light step of his bare feet against the antique hardwood floors. Dillon's reaction didn't help Rory's nervousness, but he pressed on despite his apprehensions. Rory pressed his forehead against the center of Dillon's back before cautiously resting his palms against the back of his hips. His voice was low as he whispered. "And what is it you want to do?"
Dillon's hand shook as he lifted the glass to his lips and emptied it for the second time. "You're making it hard for me to be a nice guy, Rory."
"And if I don't want you to be nice tonight?"
Dillon set the glass down and caught Rory's wrists. He pulled Rory's arms around his waist and held Rory tightly against him. "Then I'd say you're playing with a fire you're not prepared to be burned by."
"What if I crave pain tonight?" Rory's voice was so low he could barely hear his own words, but it was obvious Dillon had heard.
In one move, Dillon spun Rory around, lifted him onto the counter of the small bar, and pressed his mouth against Rory's. When Rory gasped in shock instead of kissing him back, Dillon leaned back with a snicker. "I thought this was what you wanted." He stroked Rory's hips as he leaned away and studied Rory's troubled expression.
"I… I do…"
A smirk curved Dillon's lips as he leaned closer and teased Rory's sharp jaw with his lips. "You do? Could have fooled me."
Rory's entire body trembled as he reached out for Dillon and tugged him closer. His legs worked overtime to move Dillon's large frame forward enough to hook his feet behind his thighs. "I do… I… I was just surprised… You moved so fast."
Dillon snorted out a sardonic laugh against Rory's lips as he teased their curves with the tip of his tongue. "I'm not the tender, gentle lover that Rin is… was… Rory. My tastes may be more than what you can handle given your traumatic past, but they are still my preferences nonetheless."
Rory swallowed hard as he scooted to the edge of the counter and pressed himself against the bulge tenting the front of Dillon's grey sweats, proof that, regardless of what he was saying, his body was feeling quite the opposite. "I told you, I want to feel pain tonight… I want to forget the anguish in my heart and physical pain… Well, I already know it's good at doing that much."
Dillon grinned against Rory's mouth as Rory awkwardly tried to return his teasing licks. "You're not wrong there. Sex has always been my favorite way to feel the void… but is it really what you want tonight… with me?" Dillon clamped his hands tightly around the swells of Rory's ass cheeks. "I'll not refuse you if it's what you really want, but know there will be no going back after tonight. I don't want to be a one-time fuck for you. Can you handle that?"
Rory bit his lip as he stared into Dillon's seeking eyes. He couldn't bring himself to answer.
Dillon chuckled once again after several minutes passed in silence. "That's what I thought." He shifted away but was shocked when Rory suddenly tightened his hold on him. Dillon furrowed his brows. "Rory… What are you doing?"
Rory mused on his lower lip between his teeth nervously for several seconds before finally answering. "Does… does it have to be all or nothing right away?" He could feel his cheeks heat, and it became harder for him to hold Dillon's stern gaze. He shifted his gaze to the sharp, protruding bones of Dillon's chest. "You're right… I'm not sure if I'm fully prepared for… all of you, or if I'm ready for something with no return… per se… but… but…" His words dropped off as he moved his hands to Dillon's chest and began running his hands across the flat, hard planes.
Dillon clasped his hand over one of Rory's and slid it slowly down his stomach. He took his time running Rory's trembling fingers across the deep V where his lower abs met his high hip bones. A devilish smile curved his lips as bewildered eyes snapped up to meet his mischievous gaze. He laced his fingers with Rory's before plunging their hands past the loose, low-riding sweats. Dillon's Devilish grin morphed into a wide, toothy wolfish smirk as Rory gasped and struggled to pull away. Dillon forced Rory's fingers around the hard shaft of his cock, his eyes shimmering with mischief as he did. "I'm not Rin. My body reacts to your teasing, and currently, there's no amount of cold showers that is going to fix this. So, what will you do, Rory? Are you going to keep playing with fire and get burned, or are you going to back off while you still can?"
Rory swallowed hard. "I'm… I'm…" He tugged against Dillon's grip to no avail. Tears began to blur his eyes, and he leaned forward. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry." He cried, unable to hold back the sobs any longer.
Dillon instantly released his hand and shifted away from him as he tangled his hands in Rory's hair. He forced Rory's gaze up to his. "Look at me, Rory. Regardless of what you said tonight, I was not going to go all the way with you, but I needed you to be the one to say no… to accept that this isn't what you truly want and not look at it as rejection. Because believe me when I tell you, I want nothing more than to fuck you right here on this goddamn counter." He stroked the tears from Rory's eyes with the pads of his thumbs. "I want you to want me for me, not as a way to get back at Rin, or as a fallback plan, or whatever you hoped this would be tonight."
More tears flooded Rory's eyes. He jerked his face away and lowered his gaze. "I wasn't thinking of it like any of that. I just wanted to… not think… just feel…"
Dillon hooked his finger under Rory's chin and gently lifted his face back up. His expression had softened tremendously. "Rory, there are far better ways to feel and not think than sex. If you truly want something meaningful with me, then let me show you… let me be something that Rin will never be able to be for you… At least not currently…"
Rory nodded as he leaned into Dillon's chest. His entire body shook with his sobs as Dillon wrapped his arms around him and scooped him up. Rory nestled his face against Dillon's neck and breathed in the soothing scent of Dillon's natural smell mixed with the fragrance of the body wash they'd been sharing. The soft, steady sway of Dillon's movements through the tiny apartment nearly lulled Rory to sleep before they'd even made it into the bedroom. His tears had all but stopped by the time the cool, soft sheets caressed the back of his bare legs. Rory lifted his arms, an unspoken request lingering in the air between them.
Dillon drew in a deep breath before blowing it out unsteadily. He hesitated momentarily before leaning over Rory. He slid his hands under the hem of the oversized tee shirt Rory wore and let them caress Rory's soft skin below. He could feel goosebumps develop under his fingers as the material piled around his wrists as he pushed the shirt upwards. He took his time memorizing every rise and fall of bone, mole, and indent as he moved his hands over Rory's Ribs, pits, and arms. He let his hands circle around the smaller portions of his arms as he made his way over his elbows, forearms, and wrists. He spread his fingers out and lightly ran his fingertips over Rory's palms, avoiding the bandages as he went. He traced the length of each finger with his own before finally lifting the shirt free. His heart skipped a beat when he saw the flush that spread from Rory's face all the way down his neck and across his chest. "You look so beautiful right now… You know that, don't you?" He tossed the shirt to the floor before climbing onto the bed. He pressed Rory's thighs apart with his knee as he moved closer.
Rory swallowed hard. "I… I thought you said…"
Dillon chuckled. "I know what I said. I would ask if you trusted me, but to be perfectly honest, I don't quite trust myself right now." Dillon planted his hands on either side of Rory's hips as he leaned closer and pressed his forehead against Rory's. "I want you so bad, you have no idea. But like I told you, I want you to want me first."
Rory bit his lip. "I… I think I do…"
Dillon dropped his head to Rory's shoulder and scattered light, teasing kisses and nips along his neck. "I don't want you to 'think you do'. I want you to know you want me, and why you want me." Dillon rolled away and pulled Rory with him as he did. He tucked Rory against his side and pressed his lips against Rory's silken hair. "Is it too much to hope that you'd one day care as much about me as you do Rin, or am I just being selfish?"
Rory frowned. "You make it sound like I'll be going back to Rin."
Dillon shrugged. "Rin's very persistent when it comes to things he wants, and I've never seen anything he's wanted more than you."
"I'm not a possession for him to have or own." Rory scrunched his brows, his frown deepening. "Besides, that's not out of love, or because he loves me… not really. He loves the fact that I accept him for him. He loves the work that I do for him and the inspiration I've provided… That's something different… but not love…"
Dillon blew out an exasperated sigh. "You're not wrong… however… to Rin, work is life. It always has been. So, it's likely that to him what you just mentioned is what he thinks love is."
Rory pushed up onto his elbow and stared down into Dillon's troubled gaze. "Is that what love is to you, Dillon?"
Dillon studied Rory for several silent moments before finally blowing out a low moan. "No… no, it's not. It's one of the things he and I have disagreed on for several years now."
With a tiny nod, Rory laid his head back on the bend of Dillon's arm. "Then, can I ask, what is your idea of love?"
Dillon stared up at the ceiling fan as it spun over their head. "Hum… What do I think of love? You know I've asked myself that several times over the years, and each time I've come up with a different answer. At one point, I didn't think I needed it to be satisfied in a relationship…"
"And now?" Rory asked as he traced idle circles across Dillon's chest.
Dillon tightened his hold on Rory, drawing his body tighter against him. "Now… now…" He dug his fingers into Rory's side as he laced his fingers into Rory's and rested them atop his chest. "I look toward the future, and long for something I fear I'll never have. I know that regardless of how much I may crave it, I don't want to force it in any capacity. I don't know what the person I desire it with most to ever second-guess the authenticity of future feelings." He huffed out a laugh. "You see, that's where Rin always fucks up. He always jumps into sex first, then hopes a relationship will build after… and I get it with him… Things are a bit more complicated in that regard for a partner to accept than in typical circumstances." He turned his head to Rory. "But tell me, if you hadn't fucked, would you feel as attached now? Can you honestly say the two of you built anything more than just a physical relationship?"
Rory furrowed his brows. "Well… we… I…"
"See…" Dillon shook his head against the pillow in mixed irritation and smug satisfaction.
Rory pulled his hand away from Dillon. "You're wrong. It may not have been as deep as what you're describing, but we did have… something…"
Dillon arched his brow. "Something?"
Rory nodded. "I was able to open up to him, and he to me. Even if we never get back together. I wouldn't want to lose him as a friend…" His eyes shifted to the side. "I just may take some time to come to a place where I could be his friend…"
Dillon caught Rory's face. "You can never just be friends with Rin. He would always want more… Just like I will always want more. The difference is, I'll never demand more from you."