"Oi! Remus!" Sirius shouted from the living room. "James and I are ready to go, you coming or not?!"
When Remus had agreed to go to this party, he hadn't quite thought about the fact that he was probably supposed to have a party outfit. Whatever the fuck that was. Remus wasn't a huge fan of big parties. Large crowds often left him feeling claustrophobic and panicked. A fish out of water, or rather, a cod in a school of salmon, a place he didn't belong. Yes, there were many physical reasons Remus hated parties, but he couldn't understand the social aspect either. There was always loud music that prohibited any form of meaningful conversation. The alcohol that was indefinitely present only ever caused drama. And Remus truly didn't understand why a night full of sticky floors and outdated pop music was how his peers were determined to spend their time. Despite that, he was excited to go with James and Sirius, and his anxiety was slightly lessened by knowing that he would also be seeing Lily there. She had only ever convinced him to go to a handful of parties in the past, most of which were school functions at Bradford Grammar. Remus had mentioned this party when he got lunch with Lily the day before, and she was ecstatic that someone else had gotten him to agree. She had been planning on going with her roommates, but promised to make room in their group for him and his new friends.
Remus gave himself one last critical look in the mirror before walking over to his door. He turned the knob and pulled, revealing Sirius, who was sitting on the couch, lacing up his combat boots, his fingers littered with rings. He had his hair half up in a bun and wore a black V-neck that showed off his ink-kissed chest. It was short enough so that if he raised his arms, his mid-drift would no doubt peak out above his too-tight black jeans.
Remus cleared his throat when he realized he had been staring, and Sirius looked up at him. "Yeah, I'm ready."
Sirius smirked at him. "So, do you exclusively wear grandpa sweaters, or are the rest of your clothes still in your childhood closet?"
"What? You don't think it's fashionable?" Remus quipped with a raised eyebrow. "This one's my favorite." He looked down at the dark blue knitted sweater that had the moon phases stitched across the chest in a light cream color.
Remus had found this sweater at a thrift shop that Lily was particularly fond of. The two had gone in to find things they could use for that year's Halloween costumes. Lily had been successful in acquiring an old wedding dress so she could be a zombie bride, while Remus had found an outfit he had torn up to look like a werewolf. The moon phase sweater was just an ironic bonus.
Sirius tilted his head as he let out a soft laugh. Remus blushed a little as he realized he rather liked the sound of Sirius' low, breathy chuckle. "Come on, let's get going or we'll be much more than fashionably late."
Remus took a deep breath and followed Sirius as he sauntered into the kitchen. James stood by the door wearing an open red button-down over a grey shirt that was tucked into his cuffed jeans that seemed to show off his red Converse. He was trying to tame the curly mess on top of his head using the camera on his phone while he waited for his roommates. He looked up at them after giving up on his hair.
"Ready?" James asked them, sliding his phone back into his pocket.
"You bet, Jamie," Sirius answered excitedly. He ruffled James' hair, earning an annoyed look from his best friend. Remus liked seeing these moments between his flatmates; the moments of obvious platonic intimacy. Something that Remus had had a hard time finding. "Let's get this show on the road.
As the three of them walked out into the hall, down the stairs, and out of the building, Remus scolded himself for the amount of time he allowed his eyes to linger on Sirius.
Get your shit together, Lupin. He's not an option. Besides, he's probably straight
—-------
Marlene loved the feeling of Dorcas' fingers tugging their hair. The sensation always elicited moans from deep in their throat, making them lean their head back and inviting Dorcas to decorate their neck with dark purple marks. They were never unhappy to find themself in a moment like this; their gorgeous girlfriend snogging them senseless against the wall. Marlene could hear Dorcas' heavy breath and felt her weight shift as she began to sink to her knees.
"Come on, lovebirds!" Their suite-mate Lily Evans loudly knocked on their door. "There will be plenty of time for shagging later. We're going to be late! I promised Remus we'd be there."
Dorcas chuckled and leaned her forehead against Marlene's thigh. "We're coming, Lily!"
Marlene smirked, mumbling so only Dorcas could hear. "Yeah, we are."
"Shush," Dorcas playfully smacked her partner as she stood. "We'll be right there, Lily."
The two of them took a moment to collect themselves, look themselves over in the mirror, and smooth out their clothes. They grabbed their purses and headed into the living room. Marlene closed the door behind them and turned to see that Lily was now sitting with Alice at the table.
"Come on, Lily," Marlene mocked Lily's accent and placed a hand on their hip. "We wouldn't want to keep Remus waiting."
"Hey, I wasn't the one shagging their girlfriend loud enough for all to hear." Lily gave the couple a cheeky smile, and Marlene noticed Dorcas blush and slipped an arm around her, placing a kiss on her cheek. "Besides, Alice was telling me about her date tonight with Frank."
"Oh yeah, where's he taking you?" Dorcas asked she leaning into Marlene.
Alice Fortesque, their fourth roommate, looked absolutely gorgeous as she wore an excited smile with her red halter top dress. "He said it's a surprise but to dress, quote unquote, 'elegantly,'" she let out a small laugh. "He's always been so good at surprises, so I'm excited to see what he has planned for tonight."
Marlene was glad that Alice had Frank. The two were perfect for each other. They had been friends for years, practically forever. Finally, after an eternity of mutual pining, Frank had gotten the courage to ask Alice out. All of them, besides Lily, had gone to school together since Year 8, and Marlene could remember when the Year 11 formal came around. Frank had enlisted the help of Dorcas and Marlene to make a plan on how to ask his crush to the event.
"What is it, your 20th anniversary?" Marlene joked. "It feels like you guys have been dating for, like, forever."
Alice smiled at that. "It really does, doesn't it? It's our fourth anniversary. I can't wait, he should be here any minute, now."
Lily stood from where she sat and gave Alice a quick hug. "Well, we hope you have a lovely time! We should probably go before Remus starts anxious-texting the group chat."
Marlene and Dorcas chuckled at the truth of it. Marlene didn't know Remus nearly as well as Lily did since they had only met two years ago, but they did know that Remus and parties didn't always mix well. Marlene knew that he and Lily went to the same school for sixth form and that he had had trouble at his school in Wales, but other than that, they didn't know much about his time before University. He wasn't exactly the touchy-feely type with just anyone. They understood, of course, but couldn't help but wish Remus felt more comfortable in their group. Marlene really liked him and had vowed to the girls that this would be the year they got him out of his shell a bit more. Lily instantly agreed and said that she would try to drag him to more parties and events with the group. And by the sounds of it, his new roommates were just as outgoing as Marlene. Apparently, they were the ones to convince Remus to come to this party in the first place.
"Let's go crash a party!" Marlene said with an excited whoop as they raised their hands in the air. They followed Lily and Dorcas out of the dorm.
"Hate to break it to you, love," Drocas giggled. "But we can't exactly crash a party we were invited to."
"I believe they would still find a way, Cas," Lily laughed fondly. "Might want to keep your partner on a leash…"
Marlene smirked at the other two. "Now, I'm not exactly opposed to that, my darling."
"Oh, shut up," Dorcas blushed. "Let's just go."
—-------
James had never seen so many beautiful people in one place. Everyone glowed under the lights and the influence of alcohol. The dance floor was flooded with all kinds of couples, and James was loving it. He let out a gruff laugh and playfully hit Sirius on the chest. "Let's go, mate! First party of the year!"
Remus smiled at the two of them. James thought he might have seen blush creep across his new friend's face, but the idea left his mind as soon as his eyes fixated on a gorgeous redhead.
As they made their way through the crowd, they were greeted by the Prewett twins, Gideon and Fabian – friends of James' from the rugby team.
"Hey, lads," Gideon spoke first as he pulled James into a brotherly hug and patted his shoulder. "How's it?"
"Good," James replied. He turned to greet Fabian. It had taken him quite some time to be able to tell the twins apart, but once he learned Fabian had a scar that cut through his eyebrow, it was easier. It was also for that reason that James had deemed him the more attractive twin. "Hey, sexy."
"Hey, Potter," Fabian laughed at James, and he nodded to Sirius. "How's it, Sirius?"
"Hey guys," Sirius replied. "You lost Mary already?"
"She went to find a drink," Fabian explained. "But never mind that, who's this you brought with you guys?"
James had momentarily forgotten that Remus hadn't met their friends before. "Oh, right! This is Remus, our new roommate."
Fabian reached out to shake Remus' hand, followed by Gideon. Remus smiled. "Nice to meet you guys."
"And you," Fabian chuckled. "Good luck rooming with these two animals."
"Yeah," Gideon joined in. "We had a suite with them first year, and it was messy." He emphasized the second syllable of the word.
"Hey!" James crossed his arms dramatically. "I know for a fact that those weren't our dirty socks everywhere!"
"Well…" Sirius muttered. "They weren't mine anyways."
"You're supposed to back me up here," James stage whispered with one hand cupping his mouth.
Remus chuckled with a look of amusement. "I'll be glad that I have my own room then."
As the night went on, their group migrated throughout the house. They had managed to lose the twins at some point and were making their way into a lounge area that had an arrangement of couches and overstuffed armchairs. In one sat the redhead girl that James had been eyeing earlier.
Sirius noticed who had caught James' attention and pulled Remus close to whisper in his ear. "Ten pounds says she rejects him."
Remus laughed and shook his head. "I'm not taking that bet. I happen to know that she's a lesbian. That's my best friend, Lily."
James continued to approach the girl while his friends held back. He ran a hand through his messy dark curls. "Hello there."
The girl looked up from where she sat in her chair. The redhead had stunning green eyes adorned with shimmery eye makeup that matched her glittery lavender dress.
"I'm James Potter," he introduced himself.
She smiled back. "Lily Evans. Can I help you?"
James ran his hand through his hair again, a nervous habit he had acquired over the years. "Well, I couldn't help but notice how absolutely stunning you look tonight," he noticed the couple on the couch next to Lily exchange a look. "So I thought I would ask you for a dance. What do you say, Evans?"
"Well, I must say I'm flattered; however, I am a lesbian," Lily smiled softly, and James saw Remus and Siris giggling across the room behind Lily.
James' face went pink, and he immediately started blubbering out apologies. "Oh God! Lily, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
Suddenly, Remus was there, placing a hand on Lily's shoulder. "I see you've met my best mate, then, James."
James looked dumbfounded at the two of them. He playfully shoved Remus' shoulder. "You bastard! You could have told me!"
"And miss out on the show?" Sirius was laughing as he got closer. He reached for Lily's hand. "I'm Sirius by the way."
Lily smiled and shook Sirius' hand. "And I'm Lily." She looked back at Remus. "I assume these are your roommates, then?"
Remus nodded. "In the flesh."
James looked between Remus and Lily in shock, dumbfounded that Remus had sat back and watched him as he flirted with Lily. Despite the embarrassment, James respected his humor. "I can't believe you let me hit on her."
"Relax, Potter," Lily said as she stood. "We can still dance if you'd like. I just didn't want you to think you were dancing with a straight girl."
"Whatever," James pouted.
Sirius smacked the back of his head lightly. "Oh, get over it."
Remus laughed at their antics and gestured to the two of them. "Here, I'll introduce you guys. You've met Lily, and on the couch is Marlene sitting on their girlfriend Dorcas' lap." He chuckled. "Guys, this is James and Sirius."
Sirius smirked at the girl who was running her hands through her girlfriend's hair. "Dorcas, eh? Guess I found another person whose parents weren't sober during the naming process."
Dorcas chuckled and raised her glass with her free hand. "I'll drink to that. You guys can just call me Cas."
"And somewhere over there are Gideon and Fabian, some friends of James' from the rugby team," Remus gestured vaguely to the other side of the room.
"Remus, darling," Marlene spoke up. "What did we tell you about befriending rugby lads?"
James feigned offense and scoffed. "Excuse you, we are delightful and not at all loud and obnoxious."
Marlene laughed. "Well, as long as you're self-aware."
"Come on, everyone," Lily grabbed James' hand. "Let's dance!"
There were several shouts of excitement as everyone stood and followed him and Lily into the crowd. Remus began to go along but noticed Sirius wasn't moving.
"Sirius, you coming?" Remus asked.
Sirius nodded. "Yeah, just a minute. You go on ahead."
Remus looked at him carefully, but he conceded. "Alright then…"
A few hours later, James was having the time of his life. He danced carelessly to a 2010s hits playlist that was surely playing. He sang along with the crowd to the One Direction song that flooded the room.
"Maybe it's the way she walked! Straight into my heart and stole it!" James shouted as he danced cheesily with Lily. "Through the doors and past the guards! Just like she already owned it!"
Lily laughed. "A Directioner, are you?"
"Of course I am," James announced incredulously. "Who isn't?"
"Oh no," Sirius interjected, his words starting to slur together. "Don't get him started on One Direction, he'll never stop."
Remus chuckled. "You have to admit, they are pretty hot."
Sirius groaned. "Not you too, Remus!" He exclaimed. James watched him lean into Remus as he danced. He knew that Sirius had had too much to drink tonight. He was practically hanging onto Remus as if he couldn't stand on his own.
"Oi, Sirius, maybe you oughta slow down on the drinks, mate," James suggested before turning back to Lily, who was still going on about the boy band to Marlene and Dorcas.
"I guess I never really saw the appeal. Like, sure, the music is good, but everyone goes mental over those boys," Lily shrugged.
James mockingly clutched his chest. "You wound me, Evans, really. Those boys were my gay awakening – actually, maybe they were yours too."
Lily laughed. "You may be onto something there."
"My normalness about Harry Styles was definitely how I knew I'm not into men," Dorcas interjected from where she danced, pressed against Marlene's back.
Suddenly, Sirius abruptly announced, "I'm gonna get another drink."
James watched his friend as he removed himself from Remus and struggled to regain his balance as he pushed through the dancing people. Something was going on with him tonight. Sure, Sirius always drank his weight in whatever was available, but this seemed different. James' eyes landed on Remus, who was watching Sirius walk away with an odd expression that James couldn't quite place. When Remus turned back to the group, he made eye contact with James but quickly looked away, a blush so faint creeping onto his face it could have just been a trick of the light. Strange…
"Now, this is my kind of music," Lily exclaimed, pulling James from his thoughts.
He snorted. "Miley Cyrus? Really?"
"You say it with that tone, Potter, yet you know that it's Miley Cyrus," Lily smirked. "Care to explain how that is?"
James laughed and shook his head. This night was just getting started.
—-------
Fuck the lights. Fuck this drink. Fuck Remus Lupin. And fuck, how the lights and his drink made Remus Lupin look like an actual Greek god.
They had been at the party a few hours by then, and Sirius had downed an obscene number of drinks. James had told him to slow down, but James didn't know. He didn't know how the lights danced gracefully across Remus' face. He didn't know how Remus' jumper rose just enough to see his mid-drift as he danced. He didn't know how absolutely beautiful Remus' laugh was. But Sirius knew. Goddamn it, he knew. And it was going to kill him. So he downed another glass. And another. He needed a distraction. He needed Mary.
Sirius stood by the drink table, eyes mindlessly wandering the room. He hated how they always seemed to pick out Remus from the crowd. He wasn't supposed to feel like this. He filled his cup again.
Fuck me, he thought as he drank. Where's Mary when I need her?
As if he had summoned her, Mary Macdonald suddenly appeared by his side.
"Hey, Black," she smirked at his state. "You look like hell."
"Wow," Sirius scoffed. "You sure know how to make a guy feel good about himself."
Mary filled her own cup. "I mean, you look shitfaced. How can you even form a sentence? How many have you had?"
"That's between me and my liver, thanks," Sirius joked as his words slurred.
"I think I have my answer. Your coherence whilst drunk will never cease to amaze me," Mary chuckled. She took a long drink. "Anyway, who are you here with?"
That was just the question Sirius was hoping she would ask. The question. The answer to which determined the way his evening would go. Simply telling her was just with his friends tonight had endless possibilities. Several times, that particular answer had resulted in them drunkenly stumbling into any available secluded room, tripping over discarded articles of clothing. Other times had evoked one of them to shove the other against the nearest wall, hands and mouths wandering.
"Just with my mates, you?" Sirius looked Mary in the eye.
"Let's just say I was hoping that would be the case," Mary smirked. She placed her cup down on the nearby table and turned back to Sirius. "I'm sure you won't mind me doing this then." She wrapped her arms around his neck, leaning into him and pulling him into a kiss.
"No, I don't mind at all," Sirius mumbled, allowing his hands to dip below her waist, pulling her closer. Mary took a couple of steps back, letting him push her against the wall as he deepened the kiss and trailed his hands up her back.
—-------
"I'm going to get another drink," Remus said to his friends. "You guys want anything?"
Only James, Lily, and Dorcas remained of their group. Gideon had gone off a while ago with some girl; Fabian, to find the bathroom; Marlene had seen some of their other friends to chat with.
James shook his head as he continued to dance to the music. "Nah, I'm alright."
"Lily? Cas?" Remus asked the girls.
"No thanks," Dorcas said as they both shook their heads.
"You're sweet, though," Lily placed a kiss on his cheek. "Don't get anything too strong; you want to be able to walk home."
"Yeah, yeah," he waved her off.
Remus turned and began to make his way through the crowd. There were so many people, and Remus vaguely wished he had just stayed with his friends. Big, loud parties weren't exactly Remus' usual scene, believe it or not. He had really only agreed to come because of Sirius, who he hadn't even seen in a while. Sirius and his winning smile and perfect hair. The way he seemed to genuinely want Remus around. Remus' mind flashed with the image of Sirius' face. The possible look of disappointment before Remus agreed to the game night. Remus looked around the room, overly aware of how close everyone seemed to be standing to him, wondering briefly where Sirius had wandered off to.
Unfortunately, Remus hadn't needed to look very far. There Sirius was. In all his glory. Pressing a gorgeous girl against the wall with his knee between her thighs, right next to where Remus was headed. He was suddenly aware of just how much he didn't want to be there. Without a second thought, Remus turned on his heel and shoved his way outside. When he reached the back porch of the society house, he started to dig through his pockets. Remus nervously looked around as he pulled out his cigarettes and let out a sigh of relief when he found that he was alone. Placing the cigarette between his teeth, he lit it with the rainbow lighter Lily had gotten him at a Pride event.
Of course , he thought as he inhaled and closed his eyes, leaning his head back. I should have known he was straight. I always want what I can't have.
15-year-old Remus Lupin clutched the straps of his school bag as he walked down the hall that dreadful Monday morning. Everyone seemed to be staring at him. But that couldn't be. He had always tried his hardest to slip by unnoticed. Surely they weren't looking at him.
Remus turned the corner, and his locker came into view along with several older boys who were mobbed around it. As he got closer, he could see the big, red letters plastered across the metal:
FAGGOT
He stopped dead in his tracks. He hadn't told anyone but his best friend. How did people find out? He had been so careful…except for last Friday night. At the party. Remus scolded himself for letting his friends convince him to drink.
After one drink too many, Remus had found himself off his face in a secluded corner, quietly people watching. Then he walked over. And before he could stop himself, Remus began to flirt. He asked the guy out, and Remus – poor, drunk, Remus – had thought the other had been nice about it. Remus had let down his guard that night and let slip his biggest secret. Now he was standing with his posse of homophobic pricks in front of Remus' locker.
"Look who it is," he announced when he saw Remus approaching. "The little queer himself."
"What do you want, Fenrir?" Remus asked, trying to keep his voice level.
Fenrir's friend laughed. "So brave for a little girl." The other boys in the circle laughed along.
Remus tried to push his way to his locker, but Fenrir stopped him. "Where do you think you're going?" He pushed Remus' shoulders. "You think you could just try and get with me the other night and not face the consequences?"
Remus stumbled backward at his force. "What do you want?" He asked again, this time his voice wavered.
"Admit it." Fenrir pushed Remus again. This time, Remus' back hit the wall of lockers, and Fenrir didn't let go. "Tell everyone what a pathetic little fag you are. Thinking every time a boy is nice to you, he wants you."
Remus tried to remove Fenrir's grasp on his shoulders.
"Yeah, go on!" One of the boys behind Fenrir shouted, and there was more laughter. "Say it!"
Remus looked around the hall at the other boys. Some were whispering, others looked amused, and a few looked possibly concerned. Fenrir tightened his grip on him, and Remus could feel his fingernails digging into his skin. Remus felt his eyes begin to burn. No, he thought. I won't let them see me cry.
"This seems a bit harsh," Remus heard someone whisper.
"This is an all-boys school; what did he expect?" Someone else snickered in response.
"Come on, Lupin," Fenrir snarled. "Isn't this what you wanted? Me pressing you against the wall? Will you need to have a wank once I'm done with you?"
Remus' temper flared. He spat in Fenrir's face. "Fuck off!"
"You're going to regret that!" Fenrir shouted. He pulled Remus toward him, then slammed him against the lockers; Remus' head bounced off the metal.
Suddenly, there was a jingling of keys, and Fenrir let go of Remus as a teacher appeared. Remus rubbed the back of his head. Fuck, that hurt.
"Is there a problem, Mr. Greyback?"
"Not at all, Miss." Fenrir sent Remus a warning glare.
"Mr. Lupin?"
He looked over to see several boys blocking his vandalized locker from her view. "It's nothing, Miss Anders."
"Are you sure, dear?"
Fenrir narrowed his eyes, and Remus had no choice but to mutter, "Yes, ma'am."
"Remus!" Sirius' drunken voice pulled him from his thoughts. "There you are!"
Remus turned and saw Sirius staggering towards him. Sirius walked up to Remus with so much force that he nearly fell over, and Remus caught him by the shoulders.
"Fuck, Sirius. How much have you had to drink?" Remus asked as he tried to steady him. "God, I can smell it on you."
Sirius messily wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Remus, has anyone told you how pretty you look in the moonlight?"
Remus' breath caught in his throat. "You're drunk, Sirius."
"So?" Sirius drawled, he reached to cup Remus' cheek. "That doesn't mean you're not pretty."
Remus grabbed Sirius' wrist and lowered his hand from his face. "I'm taking you home." Remus slung Sirius' arm over his shoulders and wrapped an arm around his waist. "Come on."
Remus guided Sirius back through the party. He wondered if he should get James, but when he looked around, Remus noticed he was quite occupied with one of the Prewett twins in the corner.
Remus quickly texted James, saying he'd taken Sirius back to their apartment before heading out and practically dragging Sirius down the sidewalk.
Their apartment complex was only a couple of blocks from campus, so normally the walk wouldn't be bad. However, trying to get a terribly drunk, full-grown, college guy to walk any distance in a straight line was a challenge. After struggling down the sidewalk, the two reached their building, and Remus had never been so thankful for elevators. He imagined trying to get Sirius up a few flights of stairs while not being completely sober himself would have been even more of a disaster. Remus lugged Sirius out of the elevator and down to the end of the corridor.
"Alright," Remus muttered. "Where's your key, Sirius?"
Remus really should have brought his own, but he hadn't seen the point when both his roommates had theirs. Now he realized what a stupid decision that was. What if both James and Sirius had ended up going home with other people? Just because he wasn't into random hookups didn't mean that they weren't. This was college, after all.
Sirius looked at Remus with a confused expression. "Huh?"
"The key to the apartment, Sirius."
"Oh…uh…it's in my pocket." Sirius fumbled through his leather jacket to find his key. He tried for a moment to unlock the door himself but was unsuccessful.
"Here, let me do it." Remus took the key from Sirius and opened the door.
"Woah, you're magic," Sirius mumbled in awe.
Remus pulled Sirius into the kitchen. "Nope, it's just a key."
Sirius stumbled into the kitchen table as he tried to make his way to his bedroom. His steps were heavy and uneven, so Remus grabbed him by the waist again to guide him to his room. He steered around the couch and into the hall to Sirius' door.
Sirius broke free from Remus, pushed open the door, and promptly fell, face-first onto his bed. His legs hung over the edge. Remus sighed and walked over to adjust him so that he wouldn't end up on the floor in a few hours. Sirius still wore his Doc Martens, so Remus carefully removed them and placed them at the foot of the bed.
As Remus went to leave, Sirius turned his head to look at him. "You're gorgeous, Moony."
"Moony? What does that mean?" Remus' voice was quiet.
"You know, like your jumper," Sirius mumbled.
Blood rushed to Remus' face, causing a faint blush. "Goodnight, Sirius."
"Goodnight, Moony."
Remus backed into the hall, and he closed the door behind him, leaning his back against it, looking at the ground. Fuck me.