In Which I Wake Up Ready to Die, But Like, Heroically
---
I woke up to Blobbert slapping me.
With his… squishy body.
Repeatedly.
"Okay, okay! I'm up, I'm up—stop moistening me!"
The sun had barely risen, but today wasn't just any day.
Today was the day I faced Aldric Flamehart, Knight of Perfect Hair and Probably Terrible Poetry, in a formal duel.
Also known as: "The Day I May Become a Pancake."
"You should eat a hearty breakfast," Edge said, floating beside the bed. "You'll need the energy. For screaming."
"Thanks for the support."
"I believe in you. I'm just also being realistic."
---
I dressed in the finest gear I could find—which, considering my "I'm a broke newbie" status, meant the standard-issue knight trainee uniform.
At least Elise had helped me reinforce it with minor enchantments last night.
She hadn't said much, of course. Just silently adjusted the straps on my armor, then handed me a pouch of healing potions and told me not to do anything too stupid.
"Define too," I had said.
She hadn't answered.
"We're gonna die," Edge whispered dramatically now, as we walked through the courtyard.
Blobbert squeaked indignantly.
"No, we're not," I replied, more confidently than I felt. "We've got grit. We've got friendship. We've got… a sword that talks way too much."
"You forgot raw, chaotic luck. It's our best stat."
He's not wrong.
---
The arena was packed.
Seriously, it looked like half the city had come out to see me get sliced in half.
Nobles in velvet robes sat in the higher tiers. Apprentices and commoners cheered from the sides. Even the royal banner was flying.
And in the middle of it all, standing like some glowing golden statue of smugness, was Aldric.
His armor shimmered with runes. His cape fluttered despite the lack of wind. I'm 99% sure I heard a choir.
I took a deep breath.
"Okay, Ren. You've faced cursed beasts. Survived Elise's sword training. Eaten Blobbert's cooking by accident. You can handle this."
I stepped into the ring.
---
Aldric didn't even look concerned.
"I expected you to flee," he said, drawing his ornate blade.
I pointed Edge at him. "I would've. But then I remembered I have unresolved trauma and a flair for bad decisions."
"That's the spirit," Edge cackled.
Elise stood at the edge of the ring, arms crossed, eyes narrowed. I could tell she was worried, even if she'd never admit it out loud.
The officiator stepped forward. "This is a formal duel. Magic is permitted. No lethal force. Victory by disarm, knockout, or surrender."
I raised a hand. "Quick question—if I faint dramatically, does that count as a win for style?"
No one laughed.
Tough crowd.
---
The bell rang.
And Aldric charged.
I barely blocked the first swing. The impact rattled my arms down to the bone.
He was fast. Powerful. Trained.
Me? I had… instincts, a sentient sword, and the belief that Elise would absolutely kill me if I lost this duel badly enough.
We traded blows—him precise and brutal, me dodging and flailing like a caffeinated squirrel.
"Come on, Ren," I whispered. "Think."
"He's using a heavy offensive stance. Classic overpower strategy. But—"
"—It leaves his back exposed when he goes for an overhead cleave," I finished.
Edge paused. "You've been listening to me?"
I smirked. "Sometimes. When you're not calling me a disaster."
"...I'm so proud."
---
Aldric's next strike came from above—textbook cleave.
I dodged to the side, activated Shadow Blink—and reappeared behind him.
"Elise says hi."
I slammed the flat of my blade into his shoulder and leapt back.
The crowd gasped.
I'd landed a hit.
"Lucky shot," Aldric growled, spinning to face me.
"Thanks," I said. "I've got a whole pocket full of those."
He roared and rushed again—but now I wasn't just surviving.
I was fighting.
---
We clashed in a blur—magic crackled, blades flashed, sweat flew.
Blobbert was squeaking wildly on the sidelines, waving a tiny banner that said "GO REN" in berry juice.
Elise hadn't moved—but her eyes followed every strike, her jaw clenched.
I could feel it now—the flow of the fight. The rhythm. The heartbeat of the battle.
"One more opening," Edge said. "We can end this."
"I know."
I feinted left, then ducked right, sweeping his leg. He stumbled—
—and I activated Pulse Slash.
My sword lit up.
Edge screamed in delight.
Aldric turned—and I struck, clean across his chest plate.
He flew backward, landing hard.
Silence.
Then—
"Winner: Ren of the Training Wing!"
---
The crowd erupted.
Blobbert tackled my face.
Edge pulsed with victorious glee.
Aldric sat up, stunned.
I offered him a hand. "Good fight."
He stared at me. Then, with a reluctant grunt, accepted it.
Maybe we weren't friends. But something had changed.
Elise met my eyes across the arena. She nodded once.
I think I saw her mouth twitch.
A smile?
Nah. Must've been a trick of the light.
---
"Why Is Everyone Suddenly Respecting Me?" and Other Problems I Didn't Prepare For
I've been many things in my short time here:
A weirdo who adopted a slime.
A disaster with a cursed sword.
A walking comedic relief side character.
But now?
Now people were saluting me.
I kid you not.
As I walked through the training halls, students moved aside. One even whispered, "That's the guy who beat Flamehart." Another muttered something about "hidden skills" and "unpredictable genius."
"Correction: erratic luck, poor impulse control, and a sword with social issues," Edge whispered proudly.
"Still counts," I whispered back.
Blobbert rode on my shoulder like a slimy parrot, squeaking like he owned the place.
I… didn't know what to do with this attention.
Where was the mockery? The mild insults? The confused looks when I talked to inanimate objects?
"You've leveled up in reputation," Edge said. "Naturally, this calls for sabotage."
"Please don't."
"Too late. You're being summoned by the Vice Captain."
"…Oh no."
---
The Vice Captain—Serah Vellion—was not someone I interacted with often. Mostly because she was terrifying.
Not in a loud and angry way. More like a calm, graceful predator who could probably kill you with her teacup.
She eyed me from behind her desk.
"You've caused quite a stir, Ren."
I stood stiffly. "I can explain everything. But also, I might faint."
"Don't." She sipped her tea. "You've shown unexpected potential."
Edge whispered: "That's noble-speak for 'we thought you were a joke, but now we're mildly alarmed.'"
"You've earned yourself a provisional rank upgrade," Serah continued. "You'll be training with the elite initiates for the next few weeks."
My jaw dropped.
"That's a promotion! For surviving a duel?"
"No. For winning a duel against someone ten ranks above you, without permanently damaging him, the arena, or yourself. That's rare."
Blobbert squeaked smugly.
I looked down at him. "Don't act like you carried me."
He squeaked again. Emotionally, he totally carried me. Fine.
---
As I left the office in a daze, I ran straight into Elise.
Literally. Shoulder-check to the gut.
"Ow."
"You're being transferred," she said before I could speak.
"Yeah. You knew?"
She nodded.
"…You worried?"
"No. You're still an idiot. But now you're my idiot."
My brain did a happy flip.
"His brain is overheating," Edge muttered. "Deploy emotional fan."
"I'll still see you around, right?" I asked.
She paused. Then nodded. "Training spar. Tomorrow."
"…You mean 'you'll beat me into the dirt.'"
"Same thing."
I grinned. "I'm looking forward to it."
---
That night, in our shared dorm room (now decorated with a small victory banner Blobbert made from a napkin), I stared at the ceiling.
"So… I won a duel. Got promoted. Didn't die. Elise said something mildly affectionate. Is this character development?"
"Possibly. Or a hallucination from blunt force trauma."
Blobbert curled beside me and purred—a weird, jelly-sounding purr.
Edge floated nearby, unusually quiet.
"…You okay?" I asked.
"Yeah. Just… surprised. You were willing to fight. Not for glory. But for pride. For her. For yourself."
I blinked.
"That's kinda deep for you."
"Shut up. I'm having a moment."
---
Before I drifted off, I looked at the two strange, wonderful companions beside me.
A cursed sword with too many opinions.
A slime with the soul of a cheerleader.
And me—a loud, overly dramatic idiot who somehow survived another day in this fantasy world.
Tomorrow would probably bring another crisis.
But for tonight?
I was just… happy.
---
Field Trip! (Or: Who Thought It Was a Good Idea to Give Me Wilderness Access?)
The next morning, I learned something horrifying.
There's a camping portion in knight training.
And by "camping," I mean "get dumped in the wilderness with only your wits, your sword, and a moderately aggressive lunch pack."
---
"Why are we doing this again?" I asked, staring at the dense forest in front of us.
"To test survival instincts," Elise answered, adjusting her light armor. "And team coordination."
"Oh, good. Because when I think 'coordination,' I think 'me tripping into a pond while trying to cook rice.'"
"You once tried to cook soup with lightning magic," Edge said. "You evaporated the pot."
"That was one time!"
Blobbert squeaked from my shoulder. He was wearing a tiny adventurer's scarf today. It had no practical use, but it was incredibly fashionable.
---
There were six groups sent into the forest. We were Group Four.
Elise. Me. Blobbert. Edge.
(Technically, that's a group of 2.5, since one's a sword and the other's a gelatinous bean with eyes.)
We were given a map, vague directions, and told to retrieve a magical herb known as Moonbloom from the northern cliffs.
That's it.
No guides. No safety spells.
No snacks.
"This will go poorly," Edge said.
---
Three hours later:
"I swear, we passed that tree before!"
"That's a different tree."
"It has a face in the bark!"
Elise looked at me with absolute deadpan patience. "All trees have faces if you stare long enough."
I clutched the map like it was a cursed relic. "This thing was drawn by a drunk wizard with spatial issues!"
Blobbert was gnawing on a mushroom. I wasn't sure if it was edible, but he looked fine.
"He just grew a second eye stalk," Edge noted. "Might be a temporary mutation."
I turned to Elise, panicked. "Do slimes have stages?"
"Just keep walking."
---
Eventually, we stumbled upon a clearing—and there it was.
Moonbloom.
Silvery-white, glowing faintly under the sunlight. Growing in patches like a magical bouquet.
I approached, awed.
"It's beautiful…"
Elise knelt beside one. "Handle it carefully. The stems are delicate."
"Got it!"
I reached forward…
…and then something growled.
---
From behind the cliffs, a huge, fur-covered beast lumbered forward. Like a wolf, but covered in bark-like armor. Glowing red eyes. Razor fangs.
"Forest Guardian Beast," Edge whispered. "Rank B. Aggressive when Moonbloom is harvested without permission."
"Permission?! It's a plant!"
The beast snarled, its claws slicing the earth.
Blobbert squeaked and dove into my backpack like a coward. Honestly, I didn't blame him.
---
Elise stepped forward. "I'll draw it away. You get the herbs."
"No way! We fight together!"
"He's saying that even though he's already halfway behind the tree," Edge pointed out.
"Strategic positioning!" I hissed.
The beast lunged—and we moved.
---
Steel clashed. Elise spun with elegance and precision, drawing its attention. I darted in from the flank, striking its hind leg.
It roared and kicked me five meters across the field.
"Ow! I think my soul detached for a second!"
"Try aiming for the underbelly—less armored!"
I rolled, gritted my teeth, and charged again.
This time, I slashed upwards—Edge humming with a strange, golden glow.
Was that…?
"Emotionally activated enchantment," the sword muttered. "Don't get used to it."
Together with Elise, we drove the beast back until it finally retreated into the woods, limping and snarling.
Victory.
We were bruised. Muddy. Breathless.
But alive.
---
Elise walked over and clinked her sword against mine. "You did well."
"I did okay. You did great."
"You didn't die."
"That's… the bar now?"
"That's always been the bar for you."
---
We gathered the Moonbloom, Blobbert reemerged (now with sparkles on his jelly from rolling in the herbs), and made our way back.
The forest felt a little quieter. The air, a little warmer.
Maybe it was just the adrenaline.
Or maybe…
We'd really grown.
---
That night, around a small campfire under the stars, I looked at Elise.
She wasn't saying much. But her gaze lingered on me longer than usual.
"…Thanks," I said.
"For what?"
"For trusting me. For fighting beside me. For not letting me be just the comic relief."
She smiled, barely. But it was real.
"You're still a disaster," she said.
"Yeah. But I'm your disaster."
"Please stop flirting over my sheath," Edge groaned.
Blobbert squeaked approvingly, clearly shipping us hard.
---
[End of Chapter 4]