Chapter One : A life to regret.
Can you imagine this? Growing up in everyone has a dream, someone else to become. At school I had no answer to this question. I only knew that I will have to have a better life. As a man I had a purpose of having my own family. Today as I'm celebrating my thirty years old I decided to break it into a story.
My name is Kim from a small city in South Korea. I and my older sister were the only kids from our mother's womb. I grew up being compared to my sister's performance at school, frankly speaking I hated being compared.
I left my city to Seoul when I was 22 years old. From then I joined college I was the oldest in my class reason being me who have failed a lot in my classes.
I hated to be asked my age. But my body really helped me, the shape of my body didn't fit my age I looked younger.
I one day remember the way I lied that I'm 18 years old, none was aware that I lied.
College brought a negative reflection of me. Lecturers were kind to me but didn't see it. At college I adopted a spirit of competition, whoever wanted to surpass me was an enemy and I was very serious about this competition. Ultimately I found myself being an intelligent student but not for good but it was a war that I created.
Who wants to surpass me? "I asking myself" I surely had no peace of mind, competition in me wasn't positively settled. It was a fight.
A friend surpassed me, and became my really enemy, I think I was afraid of being compared to anyone. I hated with all my being to be compared. I wanted everyone to understand me.
After my college students I found a job in a Japan restaurant where a worked as a servant. I left on the third week. Hoping to get a better job where none compare me to anyone's performance I found it weird I thought comparisons only exist at school due to rankings.
I started another job in a shop in a popular town in Seoul, I overheard someone saying Mr Kim is not good at marketing the one we had was better than him. I started crying so the next day I sent a resignation letter.
I got a good news that my sister got a well paying job and she does medical marketing. I was happy but start comparing myself to her.
Look I'm adopting what I hated. I had sleepless nights. I think I have to talk to a psychologist? "Asking myself"
I remember I slept at three AM. My only question was who to trust?
I don't even trust myself now I'm comparing myself to other what I grew up hating? You can not imagine who I went through in a group of my friends I laughed with them none knew that I'm not well sleeping.
I never knew what I'm looking for. I missed none to compete with out of the sight of others. I found that I love to compete but hated to be compared.
I packed my suitcase and left to Japan where I thought I was going to start over, and I started University at Osaka University in Japan. I found that comparison is everywhere after missing my exam because of illness I didn't study well, I got nothing but being compared to the one I sat with, I overheard it.
At home I told myself I'm not going to sleep again but I'm going to study untill dawn and make it. I became intelligent and graduated with excellence
I stayed in Osaka and made friends but this didn't heal my illness even though I didn't consider it. I found a job in a five star hotel in the town but because of comparison I gave up and start an online side hustle job where I knew none is going to compare me with anyone else.
Chapter two: an isolated life
My bed was my office, I had no friend anymore only because I stayed inside my house until weekends when I used to do physical exercises.
Being a dispatcher, I was dispatching a truck driver in the USA he was a good man until he told me that he previous dispatcher disappointed him but he dispatched him very well. I asked than me? Yewh but don't worry you will be greater than him if you keep it up. So he delayed to pay me the following month consequently I stopped working for him, this was assuredly a motive, because way he compared me to the previous one hurt me.
How will I get things done without being a reflection of someone else? How will know I'm better not better than?
Now that I had a little capital I should learn and try Crypto and invest in it. I told myself again and again. From then I stared yes I got money from crypto but it wasn't sufficient that it can pay for my lent, my food, my university fee as I wanted to go back for master's.
Working form the comfort of my bed was helping me to avoid comparison yes I was less worried, yes I was less compared. I found another job online guess what I was dispatching too. With all I knew in this field i made a good pay check for two months there was no comparison at all. I wanted to stay indoors for the rest of my life.
I become a home seek when dispatching stopped i was unable to go back to look for a job now outdoor. Hahaaa i laughed at myself. I had no girlfriend that time I was turning 28 years old. No news from home. If I go back they will tell me that my sister did we than me. They will compare me again and again better stay here
I became an ego man. I had none to help reason being they will compare my help with other's. I now don't know who to trust.
I met a Japanese girl who became by that time my girlfriend she always wanted me to take her to my parents. She ia not aware of who I'm. She only loved me with all her being but didn't know me. I knew that she will also compare me with her ex boyfriend.
One day at a restaurant in Osaka I asked her "do you have an x boyfriend" yes "she replied"
Me being unsecured man I ask how was he?
I was sure she was going to compare me and him. Lol she responded I don't want to talk about that.
I started loving her badly but can't be an open book to her. I knew I wasn't perfect I wanted to heal myself alone and without anyone's help.
I started to know that I'm seek. But the girl always wanted me to go out with her which I didn't like anymore. I wanted to stay home and be sure I'm good with myself.
My dream was to know what was my dream. And what was my purpose. I lived daily as a little kid but yet I was heading to 29 years old.
I surely knew that when you are in a relationship you have to talk about marriage! Ohhh i wasn't ready for this, only because I knew I was seek. I'm spending sleepless nights and no energy to make fortune as my sister. I have nothing that I own. In South Korea or neither in Japan. My salary can only pay my lent, food and other few things.
She started asking me when will we get married?
I always had to skip this question.
She knew something is off. You wouldn't be my friend for two years and discover nothing about my condition. But once I realized that you discovered it, my friendship with you was over. But it was different with this Japanese girl. She was patient with me and always telling tomorrow is better than today.
I want to teach you how to create positive energy within you. She once sent me this message. I didn't respond to this.
Early in the next morning I got a phone call from her. "Babe I want to meet you today". She said.
"Where?" So I asked
"Wherever you want" she replied laughing
''At the usual venue'' I told her.
So she came with a red tablet and opened it and opened a chess game. I was like what. I want to play with you. It was my first time to see it and play it I was like I don't know how to play it.
Surely I didn't know. But she thought me and told me why she was teaching me. Babe did you realise something? She asked
''About'' I asked back
Chess game requires patience and you have to forget that you once lost a game.
What do you mean? I asked touching my forehead
Babe you are not patient.
It was the first time in my life allowing someone to talk about me I felt goosebumps all over my body!
''What wrong?'' she asked me
Babe you are a reason to live none is your reason to live.
What are saying? I asked
I truly got her but I was trying to man up. I felt like someone is opening my ears and my eyes at the same time.
''Let's order Italian food''. She said
After eating she asked
" Did you asked yourself how this Italian food ended up here in Japan?"
"No wonder" it is made of Japanese ingredients but in Italian style" I replied.
Wow, so you are 100 percent right, so you are now aware that you can be called Japanese while being in Korea? She asked
"How" I responded
As this Japanese food got to be called Italian.
"Babe I'm not getting you at all". I said
"You can think of it after" she replied
Going back home I was confused what she said were really true I'm behaving oddly.
At night I kept my eyes open got no sleep. I'm a result of failure.
I kept on telling myself
Why? How did I find myself living this way?
I even decided to tell her everything
Next day she came at my place but didn't get energy of telling her all of my life. She won't accept me again. I told myself.
But according to they words she used she is perhaps a prophetess she sounded like knowing more about me.
'Babe you have to Man up, do you know that your mom needs grandchildren from you?" She asked
I thought I was dreaming.
"Babe you're straight what are you talking about?"
''She laughed I was joking '' she responded.
Chapter three: how to trust her
I was desperate, unable to trust anyone including my parents I'm now thirty none knows my situation,
I still have a dream of getting to know what is my dream?
Friends I left have now forgotten about me. People I knew have forgotten about me. My sister doesn't talk to me my mom as well.
The only friend I have Is my Japanese girl. Thought I have seen anyone from her family I have not being interested in making hee my wife her love for is really. I always felt it.
She wanted to help but I gave her no chance for I knew I would be compared again.
"I just to conclusion too fast" my inner heart telling me
But I hated such voice I usually switched it off.
She came again driving a Subaru black car. She was happy and full of energy.
''babe I got a car'' she happily said jumping on sofa in my dinning room.
''What happened?'' I asked
I was elected the best employee of the year.
''Wow congrats'' I replied
"Babe if you are not happy for me please come I take you to the hospital " she said
Assuredly I wasn't, ai started comparing myself to her. I had no car so?
''Babe I'm very happy for you''. I replied
I think I'm no longer seek I just pretended it was my first time in my life .
She brought again chess game and she won she told me, I was defeated thousands times and today I won. Babe if you are afraid of loosing, you are likely going to stop learning to play chess game. She laughed.
I was like how come this girl dare to talk to me as if she knows me longtime ago?
"Babe will you hide smoke when your house is on fire?'' She asked
''What do you mean?'' I asked furiously
Babe don't be mad at me..I was joking
Come and try my new come she forcedly take my hand.
I drove to her place and asked me to go back home with her car.
I was being healed the fact of allowing her to stay in my life really showed it even though I saw nothing.
On my way with her car. I got a car from my mom
"Hello, who am I talking with?" I asked
"Kim I'm your mom" she replied
I stopped and asked her how she got my number instead of being happy.
She said ''My seriously ill come back home''
I'm coming tomorrow .
Hello babe " come to night to pick your car my mom is seriously ill."
"So you are going home?" She happily asked
"Yes I responded
Early in the morning she came with her suitcase and had two flight tickets.
''Babe what are you coming to?'' I asked
''I cannot miss this opportunity '' she replied
Frankly speaking I wasn't aware that she was coming too and I wasn't ready to come with a girlfriend at home.
Now I wonder how to stop her.
On our way to the airport I can tell she was happier than me. But me being confused and I was amazed by the fact that she realised it.
Babe even though you're confused your mom is going to be happy.
I couldn't get her point but I knew my mom was serious seek. She was trying to comfort me.
She really loved me she kept on holding my hand even in public areas.
I just left Japan leaving behind no friend except my girlfriend.
I wanted to know the really feeling of her, if could be inside her. I would have entered and know if she compares me with any man
I played it safe with her. I stared feeling that she knew me so I hadn't to be open to her
She'II be furious
Furious? Do I care now?
Kim you are healed
All these words came within me.
None at home have ever seen me with a gir now I'm going back with a girlfriend my mom's health condition is going to be terrible because of me.
Arriving at my home country I called mom to confirm the hospital's name.
I found my sister and mom sleeping but my lovely sister seemed to lost for she looked different as if her money disappear. She wasn't happy at all. She looked desperate so something weird happened to her. She knew I was against her, she knew I didn't care of her life.
"If it wasn't you my mom would have been in a such condition. No who told you to come back?
If we're not your family why have you come?
Idiot
Mannerless"
My girlfriend was listening but as she doesn't speak Korean she only saw the body language that my sister was using and saw that I was being offended.
''Babe what is happening ''
''She is furious'' I responded
"Why'' she asked
''Babe I will tell you after'' I told her
I felt sorry for her. She does know who she is following, my past was following me back and I had built nothing either in Korea or Japan.
At that time a doctor entered and asked as to go out.
"Sister what is going on?" Mom is going to die she cried
What Is wrong?
Mom has cancel so she is in comma from this morning.
I threw all these on me, I knew I was always hiding myself against comparisons again failure. But didn't know I was going to be blamed for being a reason for mom's health.
I went out my girlfriend followed me.
"Babe your mom is not dying". She said
She touched my hand and felt relaxed.
She asked me to follow her.
So I did but I wasn't really in mood.
We entered into a supermarket and she bought something and hid it I was like what are you hiding?
Going back to the hospital she gave something to my sister she said in English.
It is not me, it is from your brother.
I was very confused but I saw that she was helping me rebuild my relationship with my sister.
At night she brought a suitcase full of brand new clothes and gave it to my sister and said your brother bought them for you.
My sister started being open to me and told me everything that happened in my absence.
But still you I know that I have never thought of buying anything for her.
My ego kept me
My anxiety too
My fear of being compared
But the only life teach on my side is my Japanese girlfriend.
She slept and carried her into my arms and took her to another free bed.
"Is she your girlfriend?" My sister asked
I kept quiet
She asked again have you find strength of wooing a girl?
Has your ego allowed you?
Has your anxiety allowed you?
She was sleeping hard nothing
Now as she is sleeping let me speak out.
Sister you got Whatever you wanted in life Mom gave you all her love, all I got from her was being compared and showed that I can do nothing. So it is what happened.
I have built or achieved nothing at all .
I have lived in fear.
I have lived a terrible life I missed tears in my eyes.
I have lived sleepless nights all alone.
She cried and cried saying you are an idiot. Your mom loved you she did everything should could. She compared you by mistake but it does define her.
I cried too .
She woke up and found me crying? She said I overheard everything.
"Did I teach you a marvellous way of winning chess game?"
She asked
Life goes that way you give up you never win.
"I love you?" She said after a long quietness into the room.
She touched my back "Man up" she said.
Finally Mom woke up she said in Japanese language.
Final remarks
My mom forgave me
My Japanese girlfriend stayed a d got married
She help me to get healed