FROM ELLA PERFAE
TO LARA PERFAE
34 MAY'S CORNER
CASTLEFORD
LO6 1AR
Dear Lara,
Are you surprised to see my handwriting again?
It's been some time since my last letter, and I was more than prepared to stop myself from writing to you until you accepted our deal, but… there is something I must talk to you about. It's important.
But first, I think I should point out that I have still not received any letter from you. There have been no phone calls or visits, either. If this is your decision, then I must say that I'm truly, truly disappointed in you. I want to believe that you at least thought hard about it before you made your decision, that you at least hesitated before you handed our memories and our stories over.
Terrible. Just so, so terrible. Even as I write this, I imagine all my letters are surrounded by strangers, their heads bent over as they analyse every word, every memory, every piece of punctuation in order to find something, anything, to use against me.
They must be extremely busy and focused right now, stressed out of their minds because they've found nothing so far. Especially since the first trial date is so close.
That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. It's why I decided to write to you again.
I know you'll be there, Lara.
I'll get to see your face again after so many months.
It feels like a dream, really. I knew I'd eventually see you in court, but after all this time apart, it was beginning to feel… impossible. And now it feels like I'm going to witness a miracle. I am so happy.
You'd think I'd be more nervous; angry, even. The prosecution will be twisting my words into lies, accusing me of things that will never stand in court because they lack any real kind of evidence). But instead, I find myself overjoyed. I will be able to look across the room and see my sister again. My LaLa. The thought of it gives me strength, it keeps me going when things get too hard.
It's been so long. I really do miss you so much. I know my letters have been…hostile, lately. Sometimes, I find it difficult to hold myself back. It's like I travel back to these moments that I write about, and I feel the emotions so vividly, and I cannot help but translate them into my letters. It's unfortunate, but I also think my transparency has been quite useful for the both of us. As I write, I get an outlet for the things I've been through, and you get the truth. It's fair.
But more than that, it's important.
This is the first time I have ever talked about any of this in so much detail. I have never told anyone else about all these injustices that have followed me all my life. We can experience these moments together; no one else will know apart from you. But I can't tell you if you're sharing it all with others. I can't tell you if you're using my pain for your own gain. I write to you because it's necessary. I want you to understand me, Lara; only then, will we be able to return to normal.
Isn't that what you want?
How much longer will you allow yourself to wallow in your hatred?
You need discipline, Lara; you need perspective. It is not good for you to stay as you are. I know exactly what will happen to you if you don't change.
Each day will feel like a year. You will move like a ghost, the world a blur around you. The only part of your life that will feel... physical, tangible, will be your hatred. And if you stay like that for long enough…you will lose yourself.
I am reaching out my hand to stop that from happening. I am trying to tell you that it is entirely possible for us to be happy again. I am reminding you that we still have each other, but I can only protect you from yourself, from this darkness you feel, once you stop getting in your own way.
Do you want to stay like this forever, Lara?
Do you hate the idea of being happy so much that you're even willing to risk everyone else's happiness?
If you don't change, if you don't start fighting for our family the way that I am, it will be catastrophic; especially for the children. They will remain stuck in this place of sadness and uncertainty forever, unable to ever move on. Their hearts will stay broken if we do not come together again. Is this what you want for them? For their grades to slip, their relationships to sour, for their entire futures to be at risk and over-shadowed by your inability to forgive and take accountability? It will be the same story all over again, one you've been writing your whole life; a tragic tale of selfishness and irresponsibility, written by the one and only, Lara Perfae.
It is not only your children you'll destroy. Do you really want that on your conscience? You have not even been trying to fix things.
No, you remain so focused on trying to find answers that do not exist. You keep trying to bring me down. But I remain strong, even as my own sister tries to destroy me, even as she keeps my children from me, I fight for my family every second of every day.
Do you really think you can win, Lara? And if by some miracle, you do, what then?
All you will have won is a hollow victory, and a lifetime of regret. You will watch your children and mine, struggle in the wreckage you refused to help me repair. You will never be able to keep our family happy without me, Lara. It's impossible. Do you know why? It's because you no longer have anyone else to fix your problems for you, except for me. I'm all you have. That is another truth; one you'll learn soon enough and come to regret if you don't stop treating me like I'm your enemy.
A lot has happened between us, it's true. You're angry. I'm angry. But we are only fighting because you won't stop, and because I have no choice but to defend myself. We are being cruel to each other, Lara. The world is forcing us to be cruel to each other, don't you see?
And yet, none of this changes how I feel at my very core, the most important part of all this chaos that has been there from the very beginning; I am your sister, and I love you. I will always love you. I am the same sister who defended you when you were teased by the other kids in our neighbourhood, who saved you from drowning in the neighbour's pool, who stayed by your side during each moment of your life. And when you look across the room at the trial, that is who you'll see, that is who I want you to see. It is your choice. I have always been here, LaLa. It is you who ran away.
I love you. I want all of us to be happy again.
You. Me. Dad. The children.
We can do this, Lara. We can be happy.
All you have to do is trust me,
Ella