It has always been a certainty to me that I would fight the government and the church. It all began in my head in basic ways. I like abortion, being bisexual, weed, and looking at the world as gray. There is a balance of morality to me based on if it's necessary or not.
The Church and Government thinks too much in black and white. If they feel like it. Or they are too corrupt. Which is really annoying.
There had been enough chaos in my life. Enough violence. While I felt pretty epic, there was still a problem. Not everyone was immortal. They can't keep walking by and ignoring the world like I can. And I can't always do it.
This journey began with having a plan. That I wasn't sure I was gonna do. Until the church got too sick of me. There was peace for a few weeks. Then my bank account froze. And they kicked me out of my house. With my car.
For a few miles. Then it broke down in Camdale. And drove itself back to my mom. While I walked forward. On with my mission.
The reason the church was mad at me was basic shit like I said. But now it was war. Cause the church went too hard on a medieval level over petty bullshit. I got a boyfriend and they exiled us both. NOT! He got spared cause he tried to kill me before I left town. It didn't work. I took advantage of it.
My physiology is madness. I can take advantage of vibrations. He punched me with a prosthetic fisto arm that is like something out of Fallout. A mechanized hydraulic press that hits fast. But it didn't matter. Well, it hurt.
But I move faster with vibrations in my body. I can literally skid around on my heels like Shadow the Hedgehog if there's enough vibrations from an earthquake.
It was sad to take a hit from him and never see him again. But life goes on. I skidded on my heels out of town, into the forest.
This began an adventure of madness, intense hiking, and occasional fights against the Church and the Government.
My strategy was inspired by imagining the ancestors of mankind had done everything to make life work perfectly like people kept claiming. And then assuming they cancelled combos. And I was right. It was also inspired by Japan hating Christians, so I had a lot of strategies centered around creating sakura flower trees or plants with similar chemistry. Literally, I need them to be chemically similar to the sakura flower for a reason.
FUCK THE CHURCH! Sakura flowers and their seeds especially are so sensitive to a secret Christian chemical known as Holy Tallow. Which reacts with literal, though minor, explosions.
My ultimate goals are to sabotage the Church's chemical combos and to create a anti-crime system that was sabotaged by the Church. And also created by the Prebysterian Church.
It is basically being the Batman kid the videogames train you for. But in stupid ways. You're supposed to burn specific things for it to trigger. Like potatoes to expose if there's blood in your dirt. Or just smash a bunch against their walls. If it's a brick wall, it works so well you don't have to burn the potatoes.
This was what fueled my meltdown the most to begin crafting this plan. All the Ancestor's plans to expose like, literally every crime except theft. Even rape and murder. They are all either hidden or Cops are being lazy fucks and not doing their strategies. And at best, I blame it on humans thinking it's cringe to do Gaea strategies to expose crimes.
It turns out I can fuel my anti-crime system with every basic seed you can buy from a grocery store. I don't remember their names, but I realized at my local grocery store in the gardening section. All the flowers and basic veggies like tomato and corn added up to it. Almost. I had to grab wheat. Which should've been easy.
It wasn't. It was actually my first obstacle. Cause wheat is a fucking bug. Literally. It grew eyes. And smacked me. And flew away. I had to settle for literally nothing. I couldn't even try to take the wheat feathers on top of their heads. It flew away. With big bug eyes like from Conker's Bad Fur Day.
This actually inadvertently helped me. Kind of. I was still in a minor part of my journey. An abusive part too.
Government Dan shows up way too conveniently. Pissed.
"Fix it. Get his wheat back." he says angrily. "I know you're smart. Did you bring sunflower seeds?"
I squint confusedly. But I dare risk it, thinking he assumes I'm trying to be a normal survivor.
"I did actually, for aesthetic and to try making sunflower peanut butter. Why?" I ask nervously.
"Put them all here in a pile. They will come back if you do that." Government Dan growls angrily.
I shrug. That actually was a fair deal to myself. And I could do mischief with it.
I thankfully had like, 50 sunflower packets mixed up in a pile throughout my sports bag. And the other seeds. I pull them out bit by bit while mixing in another packet of seeds in, until I got one of each seed type in the pile. In addition to like, thirty seed packets of sunflowers.
At this point, I stand up and look for Government Dan. He is gone. I shrug and walk on. My first goal accomplished.
I thought anyway. It did get accomplished, but in a weird way. First, the wind got the seeds spread across the land. And that annoyed the farmer. Who's farm was "ruined" by me. Which was true eventually, but not that time.
That time I got caught when I reached Taylorsville. A stupid town filled with everyone I knew. That were my evil, sadist Christian Exes. Gay and Straight.
"We are the Pretties. Welcome to hell." Kylin says with seductive wrath.
She is wearing a white nurse's gown with a red cross on her nurse's hat. She's pulled out a gun. We used to work together at my first job. She was always hot. And thick.
She shot me in the head. Or so she thought. I hate to say it. But at this point. I was a fucking God. I had awakened to the magic of humanity as a Farmlord of Death. I realized a few things. With my gifts of generating wind, I needed to combine them with chemicals. Which coincidentally synergized with flowers and the Church Girl's favorite perfumes and makeup. Especially Chardonay.
With a single gunshot, I cause such an absurd chain reaction of chemicals in my body that starts with adrenaline and ends with Straw Hat Luffy the Swordsman. My body is strange colors the whole time like Dionysus from Shin Megami Tensei. I exude colorful perfumes that propel my body to move like a god damn anime character with super speed.
Sometimes. My build is honestly a lottery based on how raw and epic your build gets. The more anime and magic you get, the more of a weeb I can be.
And now one gunshot means I'm a Weeb Speedster Swordsman of Wind and Poison.
So she doesn't shoot me. I sidestep the bullet with ease. Slide towards her. Palm strike her chest. And with a smack followed by a torrent of hot wind, I send her flying through a fucking wall.
Or so I thought. Fighting the Church or the Government or anyone as powerful or smart as myself is always annoying. We all can cause absurd levels of time travel and magic I'm convinced I'm fighting thousands of Gods over space and time.
The simulation glitches and changes reality to where she becomes Government Dan. Who can withstand my wind with unsettling ease. Until his skin begins to burn. Then he is Akainu. With annoying levels of rage and self-control. Enough to rant death threats and charge at me.
It didn't help everyone started helping. The women were gone, now it's the men of the church.
They still open fire. Every bullet adds to my build. I am already a bit of an Anti-God build now. My seed packs begin bursting open, creating the ultimate bomb. White Phosphorus. Play Spec Ops: The Line. It's fucked up.
Anyway, I throw my sports bag at the nearest Christain that isn't Government Dan to spread the heat. Which makes everyone retreat into a room. Except Government Dan. Surprisingly. Cause he does an ultimate obesity save.
"Guys, I think we're screwed." Government Dan says nervously.
Unwillingly. A fellow Government Agent, a type we call Government Wolf cause they're Government Twinks. Anyway, Government Wolf kicks Dan in the back, and makes him fall onto the fire. Then sprays him with a fire extinguisher. He sprays for like, five seconds. Then Dan stands up, whining but fine. And the white phosphorus is gone. But my bag is at least decently intact. For better or for worse.
"Dude, what the hell? I could've died!" Dan whines angrily.
"Yeah, don't worry. I'm a chemist. Cause you're a German Lardass, plus this fire extinguisher, you should cool down in just five minutes." Government Wolf says happily.
Government Dan feels himself and shrugs.
"I do feel better, I admit. Somehow." He says, confused and annoyed.
I look around and begin to realize I'm screwed to an extent. Unfortunately, in a war like this, it's time to abort. I prepared for this anyway. To an extent. I have a plan for this. Restock by robbing a store. Hard as fuck. Using the store itself.
Unfortunately, the front doors was locked. Which caused a panic attack. I literally had a heart attack when I realized I had to go too fucking anime if I didn't want to go to jail.
Unfortunately, they followed this up by strangling me. Which caused such agony and blood pressure tightening, I tapped out. And committed to going to jail.
Which worked surprisingly well in my favor. Because of how bullshit and genius I am.
Spoiler alert, don't eat Hostess treats plus a hot dog within 24 hours of each other if you don't want me to win.