She had blonde hair and was kind of ugly but cute in her own way. Fast forward 5 years we were in a car driving together to ann arbor.
"I broke up with alex so that we could be together." she said
the words that I had waited years to hear
"oh really." I said
"yeah, we can finally be together." she said
I felt an uncertain feeling in the pit of my stomach as if I could lose her at any moment.
"I cant believe this is finally happening. It seems too good to be true." i said
"dont you want to be with me?" she said
"I do but you have only been broken up for a week or so, dont you need time to get over him you did date for like 5 years." I said
"But I love you." she said
I wasnt ready to hear that after years of torture and trauma.
"well I want to be with you, I just dont want to get my heart broken." I said
"its a chance you will have to take, if you want to be with me." she said
"fuck it I love you." i said
and I kissed her while I was driving, the car slightly swerving.
we arrived at ann arbor and walked around while she took pictures and videos of me smoking cigarettes and walking around. It was for some short film that she was making. We ate at pot bellys a sub place and there was a guy in a shinny coat who was playing creep by radio head inside. It was a time I wished would never come to an end, I finally had the prize my eyes had gazed for years. Maybe its bad to think of people in that way, but it felt like I had won everything in the world. Sitting down at the restaurant we had a conversation that felt like it went on for hours, she was so easy to talk to.
"do you want to go up north this weekend? My family has a cabin up there." she said
"sure that sounds fun. I am glade we got some footage for your short movie, today." I said.
"yeah." she said
"Ive been able to get some writing done lately. I am not a very good writer, but getting something artistically done makes me no longer regret that I cant make music." I said
"its not that special." she said
"maybe its more romantic that I can only hear it, there is nothing romantic about writing." I said
"that isnt true, there is a mysticism that surrounds writing." she said
"you could say that about anything. what I really want to do is make movies, can you imagine the two of us in LA living out our dreams." I said
"I wouldnt trust going to LA with you." she said
"why is that?" I said
"you are unreliable we would end up homeless." she said
"there is something romantic about that. If I were not with you I would be a homeless drunk." I said
"dont say that." she said
"why its the truth, all the best writers are drunks." I said
I had drank a four loco earlier so I was starting to sober up because those dont last that long
"well it would be hard to write while you were homeless." she said
"I guess I dont have to worry about it because I am with you right now." I said
"yeah just dont put that on me, anything could happen." she said
"writing has just lost its magic, I wish I could just make it as a writer so I wouldnt ever have to write again. Then I could make movies. Be a director or cinematographer." I said
"if you end up rich, which I am sure you will, you could even produce movies, then you could be drunk doing what you love." she said
"why do you say that, even though that is a good idea." I said
"both of my parents are alcoholics and I dont think you will ever quit. You will always have a bottle hidden under your bed." she said
"your dad quit, alcoholics quit drinking everyday." I said
"you arnt my dad, and he is an asshole still even sober, you arnt that stubborn." she said
"I hate being sober, so you are probably right, I just like the idea that I could quit someday." I said
"its just a dream, like everything else you brought up, do you know how hard it is to make it in the movie business?" she said
"not really, I just hear its hard, thats why I am writing, I could write a few movie scripts and get in someday." I said
"im not saying you wont, you are one of those people who are always going to be alright, its just I probably wouldnt make it." she said
"we need to at least move out to the west coast and try it. The movie scene here is dead. They have that tax write off but I cant see myself doing anything if I stay here, I dont want to work at a Mexican restaurant my whole life."
I worked as a bus boy at Amigos and she was a host. Her brother got me the job, he was a bus boy there, and alex was a server there.
"save up some money and Ill give you my answer then." she said
"I love you, and now that we are finally together, Im not leaving with out you." I said
"well keep writing, its better to be prepared." she said
"I am, you should read the two scripts I have written and the book I am working on, its funny." I said
"I'm sure it is, you are a funny person." she said
"I need more to drink, could I borrow some money?" I said
"Ill just buy you some." she said
"thanks." I said
The man playing guitar made it seem more romantic like my writing career was actually going to take off, as if some things truly were written in the stars, on that night I had a fate, I was just praying it would always involve her. After getting more drunk we walked around some more and I drove her home, we made out in her driveway for awhile, then we decided we didnt want to be apart so I spent the night. We were at her dads house who had recently divorced her mother for someone from another country he met on aol, or aim some chatting website or some shit. we set up a futon in the living room for us to sleep on.
"Now dont go fucking my daughter under my own roof." said her father as he gently slapped me joking around.
"I wont." I said innocently
now before I finish this story I have to tell you another story. When I was in elementary I got a pen pal through school, and I stayed in contact with this pen pal up until eleventh grade, she lived in italy and was named Susie. I dont know if it was short for anything because I never asked. I had saved up enough money to go visit her and when I figured it was hopeless between me and hannah and she would never break up with alex, I decided to spend a few months in italy. I stayed in a cheap hotel that served slices of baloney for breakfast lunch and dinner. Susie finally came to meet me in Florence and we hit it off. She liked the smiths as much as me, I could at least say. One day in Florence all of the museums were free so we went to a bunch of them and I invited her to come back up into my room. She spoke english in a cute Italian accent.
"I cant believe you are actually in Italy. After all these years of writing letters. I wonder why we kept it up." she said
"I know why, its because we have feelings for eachother." I said
"is it that obvious." she said
I never had any luck with girls, so at this point I started to get a little nervous. She had bought some absinthe since you can buy alcohol at any age there, and I had never drank before.
"do you want to drink?." I said changing the subject
"sure, this stuff is suppose to make you hallucinate if you drink enough." she said
"hahaha." I laughed nervously
she poured us a drink and sat close to me on the bed, the television was playing music videos from the 80s, and after a few sips it was as if alcohol had smashed through my head and taken eons of suffering away from me. I no longer felt insecure, as if the universe had changed faces I focused in on her. I was living inside my own movie, and some how I was alone with this singular beauty that had crawled out of billions of years of sludge to just come into existance in this perfect moment.
"do you like it." she said
"boy do I." I said, not even self conscious of sounding like some 1950s goon
and I went in for the kiss, before I knew it her clothes were off and we were having sex. Not that I knew how to work a vagina, but it seemed simple enough. After finishing the bottle I would later end up walking her back to her room, which was just above mine and started scouring the streets for what I dont know, but now I know the feeling all too well, for another drink. I ended up in this shady bar where three Italian women bought me two bottles of wine, then invited me back to there place to have a foursome, which didnt seem right given the eloquence of sex I had just had, and I started to wonder why I wasnt with her so I wandered out after her to confess my love. I knocked on her door and she answered.
"where have you been? you just stormed off." she said
"Ive come to my senses, I believe I love you." I said
she laughed, presumably because I was obviously drunk or I was just being absurd.
"lets climb up that tower that over looks Florence before it closes."
"ok."
we held hands all the way there and when we got to the top the wind was blowing inciting this mystic aura throughout my innards. And in that moment I believed in love for the first time, I truly believed. I decided when I had a wife I would take her there. We spent another month together, but I was young and you can only spend 3 months in Europe on a passport, the important part is that over the years the years tore us apart and we no longer speak. Now back to hannah. We were cuddling on the futon and I looked at the clock and it read 12:22 which was the first part of susies birthday. I was overcome by an uncontrollable sadness masked by an overt happiness that I wasnt alone tonight. It wasnt a perceivable change in energy, because Hannah started to take off her clothes, and I did likewise just to fit in, by this time I was sober, and a little nervous. Performance anxiety. She whispered something about putting it into her dragon egg roll and I rolled off the futon laughing. Its probably not that funny but it was if you were there and me. I came back on the bed and rolled on top of her.
"Im not a virgin, just so you know." I said
"how can you resist, I am so wet right now." she said
"I'm not even hard, I was laughing too hard." I said
"well that is going to be a problem." she said
I thought to myself, well I guess susie wasnt the one, maybe this one will work out.
He started to touch my penis with her hand, and put it into her. The rest was a subconscious motion.
after it was done, I remember thinking I wonder what it would be like to not be in shape and be a fat old man having sex, how youth was so fleeting, life itself was vanity. There is some biological reason for why men become dis-attached after sex and women become more attached. It wasnt that I hated her now, its just that I was wondering what she was thinking as silence ensnared us. I looked at the television and could see our reflection reflecting off of the blank screen and it looked like we were in a movie.
"so I guess we are together now, should we put some clothes on in case your dad comes out?" I said
"No its fine he is asleep." she said
more silence.
"what are you thinking about." she said
"Im thinking about scenes in movies, as in making movies." I said
"thats not good." she said
"why?" I said
"you should be thinking about me." she said
"that too." I said
"how was the sex?" I said awkwardly
"good." she said
On a side note, I cant remember what books I wrote because I was drunk and on poison while writing them. Even years later this poison is eating away at my brain. This is the hardest thing I have had to go through, and they are poisoning my clothes, once this movie is over I am never talking to my family again, and I am paid for my work. This never would have happened if I was from the lower class. I think they are trying to trick me into thinking 5 books I wrote are on the top 5 sellers list. I am just saying this because I dont want to write this book. I mean I have ideas for it, and I have nothing else to do because all I do is lay in bed all day because I have no money. Its completely destroying my body. I was thinking of making it nonsequential and just writing about what I want to write about in the moment. I have so many movies to write, it is overwhelming. A lot of my movies are not doing very well at the box office. Although I think I am being censored and the books I have written have been changed. Which is why I wanted to write another book, but I really dont want to. Spoiler warning skip ahead if you want there to be a plot. I was homeless when boyhood came out and it came out july 2014 so ive been clean since november 2013 so I was homeless for like a year that time, then the next year a movie I wrote won the bafta. I dont see why they release my movies at the same time. So I started working at the country club august 2015. So it has been almost a decade and they still havent paid me. I really could have made so many movies if I had gotten paid and didnt have to work. My entire life has been robbed from me. so ive been clean for 9 years, I dont really count drinking or other drugs. Just my main drug. The movies I wrote that came out this year have made over 10 billion and the years before made even more. If you calculate the budgets its not that much money. Its hard to make money off of movies. I could calculate how much all of my movies have made if I remembered all the movies I wrote, and I wasnt lazy. Thats not counting the money for the books I wrote, or the songs I wrote, so I am probably making a billion dollars a month or more. But all of my work was stolen from me and I havent been paid anything. Black panther and Black Adam still havent come out so that would be another billion or so. One day my paintings will have accumulated more wealth than van goghs, my favorite artist. I am a celebrity poet, and even though my books have sold a lot I am still writing. as we were cuddling she turned to me and said.
"its strange that one of us will die in the others arms."
"yes it is." I said
that moment would live with me for the rest of my life.
I've fallen off artistically. I calculated how much my movies made last year, it was somewhere around ten billion. I cant believe that Ariana has left me here to rot. A lot of what I did was fulled by the idea of being with her. I dont know what I am doing anymore. I should be powerful. I wouldnt want to be with her because she poisoned me, but I dont have anything. I dont know anymore why I am doing this. I want to write more anime. I cant write anymore. The only year I didnt make 10 billion was my first year of film making which I made around 6 billion. Now I have a shortage of scripts out there. And it is because I havent been paid yet. I really dont care about this book. There is nothing that I want to write about. You know a lot of my movies flopped and it backfired in my face not writing about what I wanted to write about. I tried to think of reasons to write this book and I couldnt come up with one. Ariana Grande is my greatest enemy, I have been working for over eight years writing for no reason. Some of my books got knocked off the new york times best sellers list. At least the top 5. I cant write a book about how I dont want to write a book so I suppose I will have to write about something else. I may never write another book or screenplay again in my life. She ruined writing for me. I suppose I can publish this on amazon, and I have to finish this if I want to drink again. Sometimes I feel like my only choice is drinking or suicide. I am the king of underground art so I have to have faith in me that this will sell. I need to create my own destiny now that Ariana has completely destroyed my life. She has made me completely sick that she hasnt paid me for almost a decade. Forcing me to live with my mom writhing in poison. I am literally, physically, and metaphorically sick. Realistically I am never going to drink again no matter how much it hurts my soul. Since Ill never be high again nothing else matters. So after graduation me and hannah got an apartment together. We both got into Eastern Michigan. I decided to study history because I thought it would make me a better writer. She studied social work. One day she broke up with me and I started shooting heroin, we got back together because she said when she was smoking weed God spoke to her and told her to be with me. I was walking out the door to go see a different girl when she appeared on my door step.
"God told me to be with you." she said
"really I find that hard to believe." I said
"well what do you want to do about it." she said
"do you want to come in, I was just on my way to have sex with someone else." I said
her face looked understanding
"yeah lets talk." she said
"there isnt much to talk about you broke up with me." I said
"if we get back together you have to get off heroin, can you do that?" she said
"yeah." I lied
"are you on heroin right now?" she looked into my eyes
"no." I said
"I can tell you arnt by your eyes." she said
"really I lied to you, I cant get off heroin." I said
she started to cry. I put my arm around her but felt numbed out because even sober I was smacked out nowadays.
"are you trying to move back in or something?" I said
"that would be ideal." she said
"whats going to make this time different?" I said
"I think if we dont spend every waking moment together and I spend time with my friends it will work out. It isnt healthy for two people to spend as much time together as we do." she said
"yeah." I said
I really didnt want to take her back, but I didnt want to go against God, and it was unexplainable why we were together again.
"ok you can move back in." I relented that easily
"I would really like it if you got off heroin." she said
"Im getting high tonight. really right after this conversation. are you sure you want to get back together" I said
"yes! I heard it clear as day." she said
it was strange since she was an atheist that some weed psychosis would bring us back together. We finished talking and she waited for me at the apartment while I went to go cop some dope. I shot up in this coney island that had graffiti all over the bathroom and felt great. The rest of this book would just be me getting money to do heroin if it was based in reality. The same day over and over again a purgatory of heaven and hell. It would work better as a movie. Ive written over 100 movies that have been made. Hannah was a painter so maybe it would look better as one of her paintings, it was nice to have her back, too bad I couldnt quit heroin. She set up her paint set up in the corner of the living room and slowly moved her things back in, when she left everything was empty, the apartment started to look like a home again. There was a mirror sliding closet door where I had hundreds of used needles laying on the floor, encrusted in blood. until one day a few months later I was dope sick and trying to bum some money off of her.
"let me get high with you and ill give you some money." she said
"I would be a pretty evil person to do that to someone I love." I said as I vomited in the toilet
"ive always been curious about it, I want to know why you like it so much." she said
"Cant you just give me some money, Ill pay you back." I said
"you cant stop me from finding it and doing it on my own." she said
"ok. lets go get high." I said
Many words have been said about how terrible it is to be dope sick, it will make you believe in eternal suffering. I went and got the stuff and shot up in my car, tying the seat belt around my arm to make the vein pop. I thought about just doing it all and not giving it to her but she was right if someone wants to do it there is nothing you can do to stop them. I got home and shot her up, her eyes rolled and she fell out. Now Im thinking I am going to get charged for murder, I slapped her, the one time I hit a women, she came to.
"this shits amazing. I can see why jim morrision died off this" she said
"yeah yeah yeah, now you got to spend every waking hour of your life trying to keep that high, its not fun." I said
"Im not even thinking about that, Im not an addict, I dont have an addictive personality." she said
"thats what everyone says." I said
we had weird junkie sex where it takes forever to cum. I never felt closer to her, maybe it wasnt such a bad idea getting her strung out, we will have to see what kind of monster she becomes. We started shop lifting to support our habit, we still had our jobs at the mexican restaurant. I got high in that bathroom so many fucking times. One time I was shooting up and the manager opened the door trying to be funny and he seen what I was doing. Then the next day instead of showing up to work I just drove until I hit wyndotte and gazed over the water desiring freedom. I got fired but at least I felt free for a few hours. Its like in life we are born slaves, rich or poor. Later when I seen hannah she asked me
"why didnt you show up to work?"
"I just wanted to look at the water, I am meant for greater things in life then living the mexican food life style." I said
"you fucked up junkie bastard, how are we going to pay rent?" she said
"Ill sell drugs or something." I said
"you are going to get robbed or killed." she said
"oh well at least I will have time to get high and look at the water." I said
I wish I had the words to describe how amazing the high on heroin is. Its supernatural, thats why the solution to addiction is spiritual. Anyways we just argued a bit and I started selling drugs to get by. Get some drunks wont blackout big on tik tok. Use all possible media to advertise some drunks wont blackout. I dont remember writing la la land, but the actors are touching there face during interviews, and thats a sign for things I have written. Id like to accept an academy award someday, but I havent been able to thanks to Ariana. I would have to write another best picture, which I dont know if I can, so I might have lost my chance. I think a lot of it is political, since it is a popularity contest. I need to finish this book so I can start making money, but I dont think putting it on amazon it will be find-able. Plus I am not inspired to write it, all the joy of writing has been sucked out because of what Ariana has done to me. I found another book I wrote online that sold a lot. I am buckling under the pressure because my freedom depends on this book selling. Even though it shouldnt because I have written so much successful stuff, I can tell Ariana doesnt want to be with me or she never would have been stupid enough to wait ten years to pay me any amount of money. She wouldnt have poisoned me and given me clothes with poison residue on it. This movie is going to be complete trash. They have been videotaping me and torturing me. Tell everyone who knows who I am, that if they want to join my cult to take a picture of them reading some drunks wont blackout and post it on their Instagram, so the book can get advertisement. It looks like black adam is doing bad, hopefully wakanda forever can pick up the slack, not sure why they released them simultaneously. The new taylor swift album is out, I wasnt sure if she was going to use my lyrics, even sexy baby made it. I hope to God that I wrote that, best line I came up with if I did. I am writing a radiohead album, so hopefully they use the lyrics. If not I will have to find another band, I havent written lyrics in a long time it feels like. I put a book up on amazon, I am paying for advertisement because I dont think Ariana will support me and advertise the book. She apparently doesnt want to join my cult. I am never going to get my life together and finish this book that I am currently writing. My movies are not doing good in the box office, black adam may not recoup its money, and a good number have lost 100 million already. I dont really remember writing wakanda forever, at least the plot, but I do remember there was a moment that I was in the zone, so hopefully it will be a success. I regret making the television shows, and all of the sequels. I just read some drunks wont blackout, I doubt it will make me any money. No one cares about how Ariana screwed me, I have to come up with original material about my life. It would be nice if she decided to stop torturing me and just paid me. I could travel the country with money. back to me and hannah in a room.
"if you were trapped in this room with me for eternity to you think you would still love me?" I said
"yeah." she said
I couldnt help but feel like she was lying, no humans could love eachother if they were stuck together permanently.
"I want to write a book that captures me losing my mind." I said
"that wont be hard, you are always losing your mind." she said
"I am losing my mind." I said
"I guess the question is my way of wondering if we will last." I said
"dont think like that you have to live in the moment." she said
I just finished reading some drunks just won't blackout and it is of the lowest tier. It made me want to keep writing though. I just dont feel good when I write. Yeah, I cant just man up and write through the pain. They wont let me advertise some drunks wont blackout because it is deemed erotica. One day I will write a good book, but today is not the day. I suppose the real reason I am writing this book is that I have written over 20 movies that have flopped, my last novella was horrendous, and my poetry book isnt selling. I definitely made a lot of movies that didnt make money. I am lucky I had the idea to use my talents to write mainstream movies, even though I havent been paid yet, because I am completely unemployable and not a very good writer haha. Or at the very least I cant spell and make a lot of grammar mistakes. I suppose I am an example of setting your mind to something and getting it done. put positive fake reviews for some drunks wont blackout and the red book. Have people make youtube videos about my new books. My I abbey pett book is ruined because Ariana grande locked me out of my computer and I lost a bunch of files, it would have been a million words, maybe she can add them in and publish my book after the spacing is edited because I cant do it on my computer because words get cut off and its all choppy. It eats me up inside that it isnt published and she isnt advertising my new books. Cut I abbey pett into 22 books. Each 222 pages long. adding pictures of people shooting heroin to make it work and pictures of abandoned houses. If taylor swift wants to join my cult have her post a picture of her reading the red book since 10 of the songs I wrote her are in the top ten and some drunks wont blackout. same for dua lipa. And Grace. And Ariana grande owes me for making me wait. I'm going to be famous for making bad art. I dont know how much longer I will be under house arrest for, I really see no reason why Ariana decided to do what she has done, she must not want to be friends. I guess it is funny that some of my movies have lost so much money. Start making the dairy of an oxygen their trilogy movie. Ive been done with ariana for a long time. It doesnt look like they are using my deadpool 3 script, which I wrote to try and save my career ironically. You know I dont know how much money I have with my movies bombing at the box office, and I dont know why Ariana wont pay me. It is such a waste of time, everyday me writing. I want to quit but I have nothing to do. And my two books arent selling. The books I dont have access to are selling well. I should have just published those on Amazon, I really didnt want to split the profits of them with ariana because they are books and not movies, so it is souly my creation. I cant stand looking at this computer any more. my life is the definition of a living hell all because I put faith in another person. I spent seven years of my life writing a bad book. I put some things in it that I thought would get me killed, but it is pretty mild. I was in a psychotic state, Im not sure what I was thinking taking so much time to write it. I dont like the movies I wrote either. But some of them at least made money. I had a strange dream last night that went with the book of enoch. I guess it doesnt matter that I dont like my writing since I cant write anymore. I should be grateful to have gotten some things out there before I die. Black Adam didnt make any money and they say wakanda forever will bomb, we will see. I should be happy I published my suicide note, but no one will read it unless ariana promotes it. I wrote the number one album in the country right now and the number one movie, and some of my books are in the top 5 best sellers. Im upset that she locked me out of my computer and interfered with my suicide letter. The letter isnt very good, maybe thats why I dont feel good about it. My suicide note is ahead of its time, I dont know if it will sell. I wish Ariana would help me and stop toying with me. I guess its over. Looking back at my life it looks like I am staying sober for the rest of my life because the best case scenario would be me getting drunk again, and I live in the worst of all possible worlds. Getting sober is the greatest tragedy of my life. At this point it doesnt matter if Ariana pays me because she took too long and we arent ever going to be together for multiple reasons. Me and hannah went to the flat rock park to walk around for a little bit. It is this walk way that circles through a river full of geese, the geese had flown south because it was the dead of winter. The heroin numbed the coldness of winter, and the runny nose.
"I am losing my mind staying inside all day." she said
"thats the price of living in Michigan. Not that there are any positives to living in Michigan." I said
"Detroit has good heroin, its better than the tar on the west coast I hear." she said
"yeah thats the only thing keeping me here, in many ways. and you of coarse." I said
"I heard someone got raped here recently, its kind of creepy being here at night." she said
"people are getting raped all over, humanity is a cesspool that needs to die." I said
we walked past this wall that you could jump and wander to this little cemetery in the woods where a family from the 1800 was buried. I pulled out a bottle of wine I had hidden inside my coat and we started drinking. You can't really drink that much on heroin so a bottle between us would do just fine.
"you see before you start a thing you have to know the ending before you start inside of eternity." I said
"what are you talking about?" she said
"before you take the first step, you need to know where you are heading first. Dont you want to know your eternal name?" I said
"no I dont want to know my eternal name, you know I dont believe in God." she said
"one day you will have to choose between your friends and God." I said
just as I said that the wind blew extremely hard rustling through the trees and one of her friends called to hang out.
"see that is what I was talking about, I was talking to you about God and soon as I did one of your friends called to distract you. Did you feel that wind?" I said
I was starting to go into a manic episode where everything was twisted with supernatural meaning.
"you just dont want me to hang out with my friends, so I will spend all my time with you because you are lonely." she said
"How did I know they were going to call?" I said
" a million different coincidences leading up to this moment." she said
"I climbed out of the primordial slime to make it to this moment." I said
"everyone has." she said
"I think about killing myself everyday, God is the only reason I dont." I said
"I do too, but if you believe in God so much why dont you just kill yourself, isnt he all loving?" She said
"I think that is just a rumor. well if you are going to go hang out with your friends Im going to need another bottle to replace you." I said
"so you dont believe in an all loving God? I could never serve a God I am suppose to fear." she said
"thats the start of wisdom, I mean he could do anything at any given moment, thats what it means to be God, he isnt bound by love, I am sure he loves some things." I said
"so you think if you kill yourself you are going to go to hell?" she said
"I am already in hell, this is hell, I just dont want to screw up my chance at escaping hell." I said
"I like how you think of your life with me as hell." she said
"it isnt you, it is everything. I love you." I said
"I love you too. why do you love me?" she said
"I think I was just born this way, I believe in destiny." I said
"you think everything happens for a reason?" she said
"no, I believe in chaos that is already planned out." I said
"that doesnt make any sense, its a contradiction." she said
"life is a paradox. It isnt suppose to make sense." I said
"so you are saying God created chaos?" she said
"he is the chaos, he created this world because he is lonely, he wants the whole world to know his suffering." I said
"I thought Jesus died so people wouldnt have to suffer? isnt that the whole point of the cross?" she said
"a common misconception, we are suppose to take up our cross and suffer everyday so we can become one with God through suffering." I said
"that type of God sounds like a dick." she said
"well he has no reference points, so he can do what ever he wants, God is an artists like me." I said
"I just got chills when you said that, I never thought of God as an artist." she said
" yeah he is a suffering artist, who no one understands, not even through his creation, he is all alone." I said
"if I were to believe in a God it would be a naturalistic God who is already one with everything, everything being an expression of him." She said
"but what about all the evil in the world?" I said
"I dont believe in God, I am just saying." she said
"is that called pantheism?" I said
"no it isnt, maybe deism." she said
"no that is when God doesnt intervene." I said
"that just made me think of vein, Im such a junkie." she said
"you havent even been shooting up for that long, being a junkie isnt a cool thing." I said
"your bringing me down with all this God talk, you should just let me enjoy my high." she said
"I just like being alone with you, under the winter stars." I said
"are you trying to be romantic?" she said
" I dont know. I just wanted to let you know that I hate being alive. Just in case someday I kill myself you dont think it was because of you. " I said
"thanks for letting me know. Here sit in the snow and close your eyes" she said
"why?" I said
"I am going to take you on a spiritual journey of the mind." she said
"ok." I said
"you are walking through a forest, a long dark forest, but there is a wall with a bunch of vines growing all over it, you climb the vines and just over the wall you see...what did your mind see?" she said
"I seen a raccoon holding a golden chalice." I said
"that means you are going to be a rich bitch." she said
"really?" I said
"no it doesnt mean anything, it just shows how the brain makes up things, unless God predestined that thought inside your mind to correlate to your actually future, which you believe, or maybe he is deceiving you to get your hopes up and you are just going to be a poor junkie the rest of your life and suffer so he wont be alone."
she said
"could be either one. I think I am going to be rich, so my mind just made up the symbol for wealth to be concurrent with its set belief system." I said
"well the raccoon is suppose to be your spirit guide, meaning you are a conniving son of a bitch, so I cant trust you." she said
"I dont believe in spirit guides, they just lead you to the devil." I said
"oh no, the devil!" she said
"you are the devil. The devil in my life." I said
she started dancing around me as I stood silent sitting in the snow as the snow fell, chanting, "I am the devil, I am the devil, I am the devil."
She must have been some kind of devil, beautiful dancing on graves. An atheist brought into my life to destroy my soul. But I wanted her for some strange reason, I would never know.
I cant tell if they changed dairy of an oxygen thief or if I was just too shit faced when I wrote it to remember how I wrote it. They kept spider man no way home relatively unchanged plot wise. I just cant remember everything I wrote because I am a different person when I am drinking. I think they changed it. Which I do remember writing not to change it. I dont really care about dairy of an oxygen thief anymore, it didnt sell very well, or else they would have made a movie of it. But Im done writing superhero movies. Never again. I shouldnt have killed off taylor swift so fast in Amsterdam, I should have had no name actors in that and made it real cheap because it wasnt very good. Although I enjoyed it more than most movies made. Another one of my movies Babylon got bad reviews, I dont see why they are talking about awards, no one makes movies to win awards. However if I dont win best actor for the movie I am in now I will be highly disappointed, I really dont think this movie holds any value other than that. From the trailer Babylon doesnt seem as crazy as I wanted it to be. oh well. If I win best picture again this year I will laugh. Maybe the fablemens will win. I really havent seen any good movies this year. Alright movies, but not good. Yeah I dont really care about making good movies. I'm actually not so sure why the red book and some drunks wont blackout are written so poorly when I can actually write, I just make too many mistakes in the moment. It doesnt look like wakanda forever is going to make up for my movies that have lost money. But the night is still young. I told ariana to produce the new avatar movies, if that went according to plan then maybe my arch nemesis can fill in the financial gaps. Im curious if Ariana is going to use the lyrics I gave her for her next album, the new taylor swift album might have made her the number one pop star, although the internet says Justin beiber is. Its a close race but I think I am the number one pop star now. That means I will have to marry me. Her Loss almost got all top 10 spots like midnights. Her Loss sounds like something I would write. the raps I write now are bad, the rap game is cursed. I guess I partly wrote raps to seduce Ariana. Partly because I am an artists. Partly from spending so much time in the streets. Homeless. I wanted to make it out of my homeless state with word play, but ariana took all the money and destroyed my dreams. I guess I kinda remember writing her loss the more I listen to it. woah woah woah. My past works dont matter, I'm not too concerned about my movies not being successful. I just create things, I dont care about its quality. Me and hannah were laying on our living room floor listening to Mazzy Star. Bought on stolen wine. I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour.
"I have written a 4,000 page poetry book announcing the end of the world, it isnt very good, which I think it was always meant to be bad." I said
"thats good." hannah said
"Yeah I suppose, its lead into the book I am writing now." I said
"what is that book about?" she said
"two junkies in love." I said
"So you are writing a book about us?" she said
"no, not really, I could pull from my real life experiences but it is fiction." I said
"I thought you wanted to make movies?" she said
"No, I am really a novelist I have decided. well not really, I thought I was an artist but that is a stupid thing to be." I said
"I see. Art is dead." she said
"Ive just consumed too much art." I said
"and you are a star." she said
"do you really think so?" I said
"I wouldnt have said it if I didnt mean it." she said
"yeah I am a star. I dont need to create anything. Although I become deeply mentally deranged when I dont write, so I think I am a writer." I said
"you are deranged no matter what you do." she said
"Is that why you love me? I am going to miss you when you are gone." I said
"no it isnt. Dont talk like that." she said
"why? everyone leaves in the end. It is a known fact." I said
"well, I'm not going anywhere." she said
"Ive paid the price of solitude, and I dont know if I can handle the burden of being an artist. I am painting a picture of you, its only you." I said
"you arent really an artists, you are just a suffering soul." she said
"yeah, it never goes away, even when I create or destroy." I said
"no matter what you do, the witch burns you." she said
"I guess I make outsider art since I am an outsider, I seen this girl today who I wanted to talk to but I was too scarred to." I said
"well you are talking to a girl right now, what is so scary about it?" she said
"I dont know, I am shy. I always feel like people are watching me." I said
"you have all of the mental illnesses." she said
"that is true. That is why I am a junki drunk. Heroin and Alcohol dont even go together. " I said
"they do if you drink first, but that doesnt work if you wake up dope sick." she said
"I wonder how much I can write before I kill myself. I wonder what all of my fans will think about it." I said
"probably a lot, I believe in you." she said
"maybe I will write more screenplays so I can be a drunk director." I said
"so you are an entertainer in the sense that you make art to entertain yourself." she said
"isnt that life though? one long boring trip you just try to entertain yourself in?" I said
"Ive learned how terrible the world is through watching television, maybe thats why I am a junkie, living yet not living." she said
"I dont know I am bored all the time, I cant focus on anything, the drugs dont help." I said
"yeah its all about entertainment." she said
"lets go get some heroin." I said
"ok." she said
we went out into the snow to get to my car. The cold would always remind me of heroin, among almost everything else. The heaters in the car, the color orange, everything. It was just the best way to kill the boredom. We drove to detroit and got high. The trap house had a door man who was always watching cops or intervention on the television, they had portable heaters through out the house. I actually liked wonder women 1984, I havent finished the last 30 minutes yet but It was interesting in the way super hero movies are bad kind of way, I liked moonfall as well. Moonfall wasnt as funny as it could have been. I guess spending that much money on a failed comedy is pretty funny. This psych medicine makes it so I cant focus on anything and just keep repeating myself. I thought babylon was alright as well, none of my comedys have done well. I mostly bummed out about avatar 2 not making that much money and most of my movies have flopped. There really is nothing to say about it. I am disappointed in Ariana Grande for not paying me. I am completely sick of my life. I want to write this book but nothing is coming to me, and I cant finish the movie scripts I have started. My brain is all fuzzy from the psych medication, and I am angry at her for putting me on it when I am such a good writer. Even though my work isnt accepted by the general populace. It is going to take a miracle for me to finish this book. I am just writing it so I dont feel alone, and to keep my thoughts away from suicide. You know the books I wrote as jokes are on the new york times best sellers list, and I cant write a serious book because my brain is so fucked by Ariana, she has been nothing but a curse. I dont know if I would ever want to write a good book though, in my current state I cant. I have yet to write anything truly great, but I have never read anything truly great, so I am just stuck as a professional screenwriter. Everything everywhere all at once has won 72 awards so far. I told ariana to store all of my awards, I wonder if she did. I am making millions an hour, if ariana ever pays me for my work. I hope avatar 2 makes 3 billion to make up for all my movies that have flopped. Im making more than 2,000 a minute. Their gold wont be able to save them in the day of the LORD.
I'm writing two new star wars movies im not going to turn into movies, just to get back into it. I want to start making movies that arent confined by the limitations of an audience. I liked white noise I thought it was funny, I dont see why my comedies are hated so much. I hope they release bat girl. I had this weird dream about hannah last night, it made me feel alive. Last night I had a dream I was in bed with this girl and secretly snorting blue and white pills, I only got mildly high they were opiate substitutes. I thought. I thought you would come back to me. It could be love. Ariana has taken everything from me, and there is nothing left to do. At this point it will take an act of God for Avatar 2 to hit 3 billion, but with adjusted inflation I guess gone with the wind is still number one. I feel better ever since I quit writing. If my count is correct 37 percent of the top 100 films I wrote, which isnt as impressive as 50 percent, but I stopped writing blockbusters. I mean I stopped writing as a whole. I wonder if I had gotten paid for my work and not put on medication if I would have continued to write. Im so sick of Ariana and her choices, she makes me sick. Even if I charged her a billion dollars for poisoning me it wouldnt make up for it. The suffering and damage to my body has been too great. Even if she gave me 100 billion it wouldnt make up for the lost years I have spent doing nothing. There are many things money can not buy, like trust. There really is nothing going on in my life except watching my movies bomb or make money. I am curious as to how many movies I have written. I was disappointed in myself for writing so many tv shows, but in a way I took over the television in the same way I took over the movie industry. It kind of sucks because all the movies I watch, I wrote, I would rather watch something new, but nothing is coming out. I dont know if I will finish any of my new movie scripts, everything is up in the air. I feel as though I have gotten over all my ex girlfriends, I am just desperately alone. It is kind of like when I was homeless, the same feeling. The only thing going good in my life is not writing. It is such a burden to write, Im not in love with it. I cant remember the movies I wrote that is why I dont know the percentage in the top 100. This is probably all boring. You know in order to write you have to be in a flow energy, and it is exhausting. I normally dont leave my bed, and it has been that way for years, so if Ariana would actually pay me I could leave for once. What ever she is doing it isnt worth it, and it has costed us our relationship. At this point I just cant stand the sight of words, hence me quieting writing. If I were drunk it would be a different story, there would be a story. I could force myself to write, but I am not interested in the craft of writing. I feel better after quitting writing. I dont see why ariana wont publish my suicide note. They are turning my other books into movies. I think they should turn ice planet barbarians into a movie, that would be a good movie. I'll start writing again once they pay me, I really see no reason in writing for free since I did it for the money. I dont love writing. I dont even read. Reading is dying out, like the human species. I guess I want to write another book because dairy of an oxygen thief and some drunks wont black out turned out poorly and I want to combine them into a singular entity. This is my dairy. Avatar 2 stopped making money, I am disappointed in it. They call james cameron the box office king and we couldnt make 3 billion. Although I already beat avatar with end game so there really is no higher bar to set or reach, and the force awakens is the highest grossing in the USA. U S A U S A. I cant remember all the business I told ariana to set up so there really is no possible way for me to know how much money she owes me, its a lot. With the songs I wrote, I doubt I made a lot of money because the music business is dead, maybe I made another billion dollars who knows. I dont think I get any of the concert money which is how they all make money. I dont even remember all the books I have written. None of my books hit it big like harry potter. I even wrote a harry potter rip off ironically, which maybe when it is a movie more books will sell. I really dont have any ideas for some grand fantasy novel, I am more into reality now. I think I already mentioned around 37 percent of the top 100 grossing films I wrote, so I would have to write 13 more to make it 50 percent. Unless my last marvel movies actually do good. I hope ariana produces kang dynasty and secret wars, I really should have written them but I wanted fresh blood so I could work on other things. I wrote a battle world script that isnt as good as in my imagination. We will see what happens. My marvel movies are bombing. I cant believe I wrote so much, so much garbage. Made for television stuff. Some of my made for television stuff probably would have done good in the theater, like prey. But most of it is strewn across the streaming platforms like some drunken babel, it makes me wince. I'll never be the greatest screen writer because I dont eat breathe and shit the stuff, someone will come along with less talent than me who takes it seriously and out pace me. You know I go long periods of time without writing anything, and I never know if I am going to get a second wind and get back to the grindstone. It always feels like the end. I could have written a lot more if I didnt write my suicide note, but in the end maybe that suicide note will save me. I have already made so many movies, that I couldnt possibly watch them all. I do think in terms of natural talent I am the greatest screenwriter. If you think about it, it takes a whole lifetime of work to become the greatest screenwriter of all time, lots of comprehension. Most screenwriters make 10 movies max that are good, I still havent made my ten. I more or less just wrote a bunch of shit, not calculating the quality. Because I am a professional and I write for money. One day there will be a true artist who uses the medium for greatness. Right now theoretically I have so much money, that it would be absurd for me to write for money, but that is only because I took the time and effort to get that money through the art of writing. I think it was a good idea to invest in business ideas but there is an art to entrepreneurship. Depending on how much money I do have, I plan on giving back, so really the accumulation of money wasnt the entire purpose. I wanted to be set free, but instead I was enslaved. I'm curious if anything I wrote got canceled before they could finish all the seasons of it. Its not easy being the greatest screenwriter of all time. I'm still young enough to write 100 more movies. Ive been listening to a lot of taylor swift. When I wrote lyrics for her I just imagined the two of us having sex, and interpreted my life through her. It was pretty hard. And Im not talking about what you think I am talking about. Difficult. I wanted to make her a bigger pop star than ariana. I probably would never write another taylor swift album, its too much work. I dont know how to get back into that head space. When I was watching sam and cat or victorious I had a vision of Ariana becoming the biggest pop star, so I was trying to thwart destiny. To me, I dont know who the biggest pop star is. I guess it isnt important, because I cant sing. I feel like I made taylor swifts life better. I never met her so who knows. I like writing songs, I just am not that good at it any more. I can barely write raps, and they are not good. I thought I would always be able to write raps. Maybe one day I wont be able to write at all. Im pretty sick of my old writings at this point. I wonder if taylor would join my cult. I probably wont ever write songs again.
I guess I shouldnt have regrets about my writing since it is already done. I'm just wasting my life away, and it shouldnt be this way. telling white lies to blackout. Yeah I hate Ariana. I really didnt calculate how unimportant writing is. Only I know what it was like living my life. Im never going to forgive ariana for enslaving me. I cant remember if I wrote the script for world war hulk or just the treatment. I guess it doesnt matter. You know when I said that I didnt want to get paid and to be taped I was being sarcastic, I was being sarcastic in the idea of them poisoning me and having me evicted from my apartment, as in look at how bad you are treating me for no reason. I much would have rathered to have been paid and live out my entire life anonymously. I dont like other human beings I dont want them relating to me. Its not just the fact that ariana isnt paying me, so I can move on with my life, it is that she is doing everything that I dont want her to do. I dont want to make movies or write books, I want money so I can isolate from the human race. Now everything is ruined. I cant live in peace. I do try to make my work boring to inflict suffering in the observer. The only good thing to come out of this is all the suffering I have inflicted. I feel like nothing I create is entertaining. Its just that some people find it entertaining even though that isnt the intent. So it isnt intrinsically entertaining. I know me and Ariana are not soulmates because of how terrible she treats me. I dont have any interest in creating art. I would rather just own businesses at this point. I hate her. All of this should have been over with years ago. I won the academy award for best screenplay, because I wrote every nominated film. I cant remember if I wrote all quite on the western front or not. or women talking, but I probably did sounds like a title I would make up. Wine stained lips drunk in the blurry night. Ive won best picture for a number of years. I believe. If I wrote spotlight couldnt tell you if i did or didnt. Since 2016 possibly but I cant remember the movies I wrote. I just cant tell you, I was drunk. Ill find out someday, but I quit writing because ariana ruined my mind. I always knew I would win an academy award, but I never thought I wouldnt be able to accept it. Im not saying it is a big deal, but it is a big deal that I dont even have the option because of the evil one. Its an empty victory because I can't be there. Ill fake it through the day with some help from johnny walker red. I guess I will finish this book, I have the rest of my life, I literally do nothing. I kind of want to write and not publish things. I have already published enough stuff. Maybe there is nothing only this moment. With my depression and desire to kill myself who knows if I will be able to finish this. Now me and james cameran both have 3 of the top 5 grossing movies in history. It would be nice to have two movies that beat titanic because I remember how big that movie was when it came out. I am curious as to what was so bad about zack snyders justice league that they didnt let him make it, I suppose I should have finished the trilogy but didnt have time. My crisis on infinite earths isnt coming along very well. I re thought about it and I think my battle world script is all right, maybe they will change it, or use some aspect of it. I never finished the amazing spiderman unless you count no way home as the conclusion, mixed with my battle world script. Really all I have left to finish is star wars, and infinite earths if I am in the mood. I was thinking today how little effort I put into writing, and how that has lead into some truly terrible movies being made. I am never going to see all the movies I have written scripts for. I think that is why I like to write when I am drunk because then I can put in zero effort. I have some ideas for some new movies. I dont dont know if I will write them. Ive learned it is better not to write sequels it is too grueling. I wrote all these movies that I didnt have to write. I guess if the batman 2 makes a billion dollars I will write a 3rd one and instead of him dying have him wake up in a hospital. I will write a joker 3 if 2 makes a billion. But in general sequels dont make as much money, I am disappointed in the way of water. Although I am actually quite pleased that they kept all the "bros" in it. I put them in there to be funny. I think it would be cool to make an avatar where the invade earth. I think I need one more of my movies to hit one billion to have written 50 percent of the movies that have made one billion. One or two more. Although im not sure how that off sets the movies that have lost money. Ive been following my movies pretty closely and a lot of them didnt make money. I probably make like 10 billion a year off movies not subtracting the production cost, so its not that much money, given the cost of producing movies. I dont know I thought I could make 100 billion, then think of a way to surpass elon musk as the richest man on earth. I wonder how dedicated Ariana is to me and if she is going to transfer the funds over to me or how exactly she went about setting up the financial structure.
I guess someone already surpassed elon, I was too slow. They dont pay artists enough. I could have made 100 billion who knows, since she wont talk to me. I think I have made 100 billion. I will get batgirl released! before I kill myself. I hope they release it soon. I wrote the number one selling book, album, and movie of 2022. I thought Ariana would fall in love with me and pay me but I was wrong. Very very wrong. I had all three in 2019 too. Unless I didnt write lover. Im a vampire baby sucking blood from the earth. I need to make more video games, thats where the money is at. My songs just won a lot of grammys. Im too tired to keep watching. People are starting to read my books. Your pain is mine now. Bad blood it never leaves, the drinks just flow too fast. I feel better having retired from writing. I feel like I have more number 2 songs than number one songs on the billboard hot 100 from my songs blocking other songs of mine from reaching number one.
I havent kept track though. Since I only wrote so many songs, I can only stay number one for so long and I dont plan on writing anymore pop songs. I am my biggest competition. Ive been extra depressed recently, and having the highest grossing movie, book, and album of 2022 just makes it worse. I cant finish anything I start. I just wish ariana would stop playing with me and pay me so I could stay in bed in a mansion, or a hotel room. Dua Lipa wont want to join my cult so I will be alone either way. I wrote the movie barbarian, and had someone pretend to be the writer of it and they just sold a script weapons for 38 million which perhaps I wrote as well, which would make it the highest selling script. I dont know though I cant remember. Which would be a waste of money because I could have ariana produce it with my money I have saved up. Even though a lot of my movies lose money, maybe weapons will lose money. It has one of the weird one word titles that I create. If I did put the directions to sell it, it was just to get the highest selling script of all time. But some articles say that includes the budget, so who knows. I need to write more movies, im not concerned with them making money because of the businesses she started. My horror movies have been making a lot of money. I probably shouldnt have sold that script if I did write it. I cant remember if it is any good. It must be. I guess it didnt sell for that much, it was a bad drunken idea trying to sell it. dammit titanic is the number one movie ruining my number one strike, james cameran needs to be stopped. I guess it isnt a big deal pathan broke it too. For 3 days in 2022 i didnt have the number one movie if my calculations are correct. Someone will have to do the math to see how many weeks I had the number one movie in the world, consecutively speaking it has only been a few months at a time and not an entire year. The way they release my movies they just canabolize eachother. its one after another none stop. fucking titanic ruining 2023. Actually im not going to count it because it is a rerealease, I dont count those. so in 2022 I either produced or wrote the number one movie in the world except for 3 days and had the number one book, and who knows for how many weeks the number one song. I just wrote the lyrics. I dont remember if I wrote super freaky girl, and every year mariah carey ruins the top charts with all I want for christmas. So lets say I didnt have the number one song for 30 days as an estimate. same as 2021 mariah carey thwarts me. Im never going to beat mariah carey and james. Unless I get to produce the new avatar movies because I wrote a treatment for them and they are using some of my ideas. I swear ariana grande looks like a ninja turtle sometimes. Ariana beat mariah in 2017 but maroon 5 ruined a portion of the year. oh well im done writing lyrics. I guess I havent written that many number 1 songs, there are not very many a year. I wrote around 66 number one hit songs, give or take a few. Never mind titanic wasnt the highest grossing magic mike was, 2023 is saved. I guess that is only domestically, I dont know how to look up the dailies for worldwide. That probably would change the story. Avatar 2 just doesnt have that extra umf to be the number one movie, and ant man has gotten bad reviews. People didnt like phase 4 but I dont care. Im not focused on writing anything good, more on how much I hate ariana and being alive. 3 of my books are out of print for some reason. People must not buy them. Winnie the pooh blood and honey got bad reviews too, skinamarinky dinky do made 2 million. they should have did a wide release of blood and honey. I guess it makes sense so many of my movies not making money since I wrote so many. The general audience isnt into what I am into and they are all independently made even if they are made within the studio system. At this point I am an eccentric billionaire who makes movies as a hobby. I have no idea why ariana would wait over ten years to pay me. I wish I was making movies, physically. Even though I am addicted to writing I am getting sick of it. maybe I did produce one piece red and named it after my book, so in the year 2022 I had the number one movie the entire time. Maybe I wasnt smart enough to do that, and I was beaten, I cant remember. I suppose I shouldnt care about accolades. Ill get started on this book again soon. Ive been writing a new Charles album. I want to see my movie named Faith, in theaters, it is so dumb. Definitely wont make money. When this book is done ill make more movies.
Me and Hannah were on our way to a party, I always felt extra alone in a crowd of people. My brother called me for halloween which was strange because he always hated me, I was already drunk on the verge of oblivion, hoped he wouldnt notice. We talked about girls, but it seemed more important than it was, it seemed he only talked to me after a breakup. an acquaintance of mine had brought over wine, his name was Prana. I finished the call and we headed over to the party. I would always stray away from hannah at parties out of sheer excitement of the entire thing. when I walked the owner of the house greeted me and we started talking.
"so when are you and hannah getting married, is she pregnant yet?" said amy as she touched my arm.
I was a bit taken aback by her touching me in such a flirtatious way because I wanted to have sex with her, I had met her a good amount of times at different parties, she normally brought her dog around.
"not any time soon, who knows?" I said
hannah was talking to someone up against the wall out of ear shot.
" In that case you should come talk to me when the party dies down and I dont have to be a host anymore." she said
and walked away deeper into the party. If that wasnt a come on, then I was too drunk to function. Vaguely confused I walked up stairs there was a girl sitting on a ledge with a closed door behind it smoking weed out of an apple. I said hi. Then seen three girls drinking in the bathroom and walked in.
"do you mind if I have some of that?" I said
" sure, have at it." said one of the girls
"hurry lock the door." said the one in the middle sitting on the tub.
"is that necessary?" I said curious what was about to happen.
the third girl took out some cocaine and we started snorting it.
I normally dont like doing cocaine because it makes me less drunk, but I felt peer pressured and was already to drunk to think.
in the blur of my drunkenness all three of them looked good.
"so what do you do?" said one of the girls
"in life or as a job? the answer is the same either way, I am an unemployed writer with nothing published." I said
"thats kind of sexy, I never met a writer before." said the girl with cocaine
"I suppose, I am going to be forced to be famous someday, and I will write about this moment if anything interesting happens." I said
"like what?" said one of the girls
"like an interesting conversation or something." I said
we did another line
"lets all make out." said one of the girls
normally I would be apposed because I am a jew and cant partake in orgies, and what is the point in making out if you arent going to take it to its full conclusion but I was bum rushed and before I knew it there was this weird four way cocaine induced kissing.
one of the girls took off her shirt, and I presumed she was an adhereror to my philosophy.
"Im going to need some more of that alcohol" I said
one of the girls started to undue my paints and put my penis in her mouth.
"sorry I have a small penis, are you doing all of this just because you want to get into my book? its really not necessary."
"its just something to do." said one of the girls
one of the girls put some more cocaine on her breast for me to do, while I sucked her titties. At this point I was curious if hannahs escapades had gotten as lascivious as my own. I started pounding the drink because I didnt bring any to get the cocaine to wear off and finished the bottle. I tried to time my ejaculation giving me enough time to finish it, which was a bit difficult. It came when nature called.
"so are you going to write about this?" said one of the girls as she sat back down on the tub.
"so it was all a scheme to get into my book, you dont like me for me." I said
they laughed
"now we have to have an interesting conversation for me to put it into my book." I said
just then hannah started banging on the door.
"are you fucking someone in there I heard moaning noises.
"no. Just doing cocaine and drinking." I said
which wasnt a lie because I didnt fuck anyone.
"Im with some friendly girls." I said
they laughed again.
"let me in." hannah said
I really had no choice but to let her in so I let her in. She looked around disproving.
"why do you always get locked in some bathroom when ever we go to a party?" she said
" Its where the best drugs are." I said
"are you going to share?" hannah said
"its up to them." I said
they gave her some drugs and I figured the incident was over. It really wouldnt have been a big deal, if I were having sex with someone else, hannah knew I wasnt completely fleshly loyal to her. Why? I couldnt tell you. In this modern age its a bit cliche to be a slut. but there isnt much to do around these parts.
"what were you guys talking about?" hannah said
"just about how there is no such thing as an interesting conversation." I said
"you dont enjoy our conversations? I thought they meant something." hannah said
" I do. Its just that conversations go no where, just around and around the same story being told different ways." I said
"Its subjective, if you are into it at the moment then it is interesting." said one of the girls
"I suppose in real life, there is the undertone, the where you are trying to get to. Sometimes I feel like I am a bad lucid dream just trying to get everybody naked." I said
"I think you are just a bad conversationalist." said hannah
"I want to do another line, im coming down." I said
"sure." said the girl with cocaine
"you want to always be meta and talk about talking instead of just talkinig." hannah said
"well as someone who makes up converstations for a living, it isnt as easy as you would think." I said
"are you talking about writing, I thought you never sold anything." said one of the girls
"no as a con man." I said
"art is the same as a good con." hannah said
"what we were really talking about, is having a good conversation so I could put it in the book I am writing and then all of a sudden we started making out, out of no where." I said
The drugs were getting to me and I started to get honest.
"I knew I heard sounds." said hannah
"yeah you must have been creeping on me." I said
"no, you were just loud." hannah said
"I need more to drink." I said
"are you going to fuck amy tonight." hannah said
"I hate it when you use that word, I make love." I said
"yeah but you sound like a tool when you put it that way, you are always using archaic slang." Hannah said
"a tool is kind of archaic, like middle school put down. we are getting old, and I do it on purpose, you think you are hip just because you are 2 years younger then me, but i got news for you toots, you are getting old." I said
"whatever, you are just dodging the question." hannah said
"I might fuck one of these beautiful girls, I do what I want." I said
"you know you are a self proclaimed genius but one of these days all the drugs and drinks, and women are going to run out and what are you going to be left with?" said hannah
"some things I do are genius because I am a genius, some things I do arnt genius but I am still a genius, and some things I do are just genius on their own not because I am a genius, in the end I will just have you left." I said
"I dont know what you just said but keep the second part in mind or else in the end you wont even have me." hannah said
"is that a threat?" I said
this conversation was lagging on for far to long, I needed to find more alchol, and amy was my number one contender for finding it. But it seemed like hannah was getting to a point so I would have to keep up the debate or whatever it was we were having. I became overly self concious like we were boring our auidence, these three girls who were just trying to have a good time.
"I just asked you a simple question. I seen you two getting all friendly. I just want to know if I am going home alone tonight." hannah said
"I dont know. and what you do is up to you." I said
"thank god for mental illness." hannah said and she walked out.
"sorry to have gotten you in trouble with your girlfriend, we didnt know you had one." said one of the girls
"no it isnt anything, she just wants to spend time with me, is all she was saying." I said
"people never say what they mean." said one of the girls
I guess instead of making this book good, I am just going to write everyday and see what happens. I normally have to wait until I am in the mood to write anything of any quality, although I am never concerned about the quality, I have destroyed many a cinematic universe according to the fans. If I say that was my intention than the flames will lose their meaning. I dont know how I feel about Ariana anymore because she has abandoned me and destroyed my public image. Ill finish the bathroom scene later. Even if it is just one sentence I will write everyday until this book is finished, some of my books take me a few years and they are all experimental to see how people will react. I wish there was something I could do or say to get cancled and not be famous. I am really angry at ariana for not paying me and taping me. Maybe all I really have is my fans, in some strange way things will work out and I can start my cult. I think I would ask anya taylor joy to join and oliva rodrigo, even though that isnt her name, to join. Im not quite sure who would be in my cult. The cult of the anti-christ with no discernable purpose. You see a failed anti-christ wouldl try to fullfill biblical prophecy, when the right choice is to just do nothing and create art. Even though it may get me killed, anything could get me killed, the alternitive is heroin. I have to keep moving forward, or just shot heroin, there is no other choice. Alchol i suppose, I could live inside the haze. I dont remember if I mentioned this but I either wrote or produced the number one movie in the united states for all of 2022, and 2023 is looking like I may dominate for the majority of it. Its sad that none of my movies have over performed. They have all either under performed or performed at an adequate level. I should stop looking up my movies and checking the daily box office but it is addictive. I feel good about raising the hopes of the masses with avengers end game and then destroying them with phase 4, I just hope that they use my battle world script. I kind of regret making batman part 2 and joker 2 similar and not having them interconect in a coherent manner. Thats my only regret. I think it was funny that I forget her name movie black widow movie came out out of sequence. It should have been created before to make more money, it could have been. But what do I care? Ariana has already made me rich. I think I seen my old girlfriend at at a restraunt. I guess my biggest regret is not getting paid for the force awakens in the first place. I could already have my cult functioning. They are taking too long to turn my books into movies. I guess I am bummed that the 2nd suicide squad movie didnt make money, but that is all that I regret. I dont mind all the time I have wasted in bed not writing. All I really have to do is write one good book, I always intended to write one book and make 5 movies, but I fell in love with Ariana and that changed things. Now I have made more than 100 movies. I guess I regret making the tv shows, but that was part of the totality of the art project to hijack all avaliable means of production. I basically did all this work for nothing, now I am back onto the main path. I definitly regret getting poisioned. But that was out of my control. I took back some bottles today, I almost had enough for 2 packs of heroin. A lady next to me in line had a heart attack or something. It could have been part of the movie. Mac miller has an album named after me, go over dose AM. I wonder if him and ariana are still together. I cant write good raps anymore, because I dont feel like writing good raps. Its weird. Ive retired from a lot of things, I suppose that is why I am writing a book. There really is nothing else to do in retirement. Read books I suppose, but I dont feel like doing that. This is caveman writings. I guess I am disapointed that my movies didnt make that much money or have a high cultural imprint. Maybe thats why I cant finish the new star wars movies. At least I got to make movies, before I died. It really doesnt matter. It doesnt look like I am going to be the richest person on earth, at least in the near future, but I cant calculate all of my assesets because they are scattered all over the place. Im not sure what I would need to sell in order to make that possiable. Although I do think me and Ariana will hit over 100 billion.
Which would put us in the top ten. Assuming she followed my directions and we own everything privatly. Who knows what that cocy women did. As in mad women. Maybe I am secretly the richest man on the planet. I lied about writing everyday, but i suppose it wouldnt make a difference, you wouldnt be able to tell either way. I just found out I sold more books than bibles sold in 2022. So there is a demand for my books. Ive given up on ariana, I need to find a new way to rise. She poisioned me and left me for dead. Now she is just dicking me around. The Beast will Feast. Fear the Deer. I cant write everyday because my writting comes out of a deep wound. It isnt something to be consumed. its up to me now turn on the bright lights. Maybe writing a book while I quit writing isnt a good idea, the rare occasions when I feel like writing dont come very often. Only ten to 20 movies make over 500 million a year, so I have just been trying to get over my movies flopping. It doesnt help that I dont want to make movies anymore and the movies I have coming out not doing very well. And it looks like they are not using my joker 2 script or deadpool 3 script so that was a waste of time. I mean maybe they rewrote it because I didnt write wolverine in it, because I am sick of wolverine and didnt want him to ruin my movie. I think the joker 2 script was pretty solid, I want to start making my movies weirder, now that I should have more money. I dont really have to write anything for the auideance or the system. I am free to write anything but sadly dont want to write anything. All I want to do is lay in bed, or get drunk. Ive lost all faith in Ariana because of what she has turned my life into. I have no friends, I have literally no one. Its just me and this book, which is why I write sometimes. Ive written at least 24 movies that I can remember that have made a billion dollars so maybe those movies will make it so I dont lose money with the movies I have written that have flopped. I could keep making smaller indi movies with the fortnite money and dungeon fighter if Ariana made it so I own those. So if I did want to make movies I have the reasources to do so, so that is a plus. Which means the upper managment didnt like joker 2 or deadpool 3 or else I could have produced those, and battleworld. I feel better that wonder women 1984 won a kids choice award because it was written for kids. I think adults are overly critiqual of things I have written for children. Even though I doubt I will ever write anything for kids again. Maybe the inner child of the everyone. My kids movies bombed. Mostly. If you count all my movies and lets say they made 20 billion in total and the video games made 50 billion then the buissnesses made 30 billion there is the 100 billion I estimated my writings to be worth. I wish I would have published all the books under my publishing company. It makes no sense to use other publishing companies but I was being stupid. I dont know anything about the music industry so I dont know how much the songs I wrote are valued at. The record compines I own dont barely make anything, So if an artist sings one of my songs I dont know any of the percentages that I get for being the writer. Id be suprised if I made a billion off the songs. I more or less wrote them because I enjoy music. I dont know, maybe I made a lot of money off of the songs. All of it was produced against my will and I havent been paid a dime as of yet, so this is just me googling things. It really should be above 100 billion, but I said I would split it with Ariana so no matter how much money my stuff makes that decision ruins me so I wont be in the top 10 richest people on earth. I am no longer pursuing that goal so I will most likely not start any new buissnesses. Now I am just mostly depressed. and bored. Everything everywhere all at once won best picture of the year, which I thought that movie would make at least half a billion but it sadly never caught on. I'm starting to get over my movies losing money and audiences not liking them. I am more interested in owning buissnesses now. Its either now or never for me to write a great book, and the sad reality is that it may never happen. I'm really not sure what I am doing with my life, just being depressed everyday. Its disapointing to work towards something your entire life and for it not to come to pass. Ive won best picture of the year like 8 times in a row, and this year every film nominated I had writen. I would be suprised if I win next year and the year after that since I havent been writing. I cant believe Ariana hasnt paid me yet, it is a great betrayal. One of the movies I wrote won every catagory at the oscars except for documentry and short film. Ill finish this book someday, I am just really far behind on my writing. I'm out for blood. Artistically. Ive written 4 movies that have made 2 billion. You know I consider george lucas to be a genius and even consider the prequils to be a work of genius, Im not sure why they get so much hate. I was trying to accumilate enough power in hollywood so that I could write an episode 10 where the empire wins. I completly collapsed the super hero genere. At first I felt like I was banging the shit out of George lucus' beautiful daughter, now I feel like I am rapeing a dead corpse for large amounts of money. My original intention was to have a dark story covered by disneyification, and although the star wars sequals made me want to make more movies they are underaperciated. Im not sure what I am trying to say. I orginally had the idea for 9 films in the star wars saga but have shortened them down to 4, not including the extra star wars movies I wrote. Shortining it down has drained it of its emotional beats and character development. Which I dont mind. Its like in my mind I question if I have made a truly great movie, I thought babylon was genius but that bombed. The batman and once upon a time in hollywood did bad at the box office. Avatar 2 didnt hit 3 billion. I really can do better. My harry potter movies flopped. My jurrasic park movies arnt truly great. The only thing great about my movies is the quanity and I feel like I could be writing more. Im going to finish my 2 star wars movies but I dont know if they will get made, star wars is dead to me. I would like to be percieved as a genius of the arts, but instead I am one of the most hated artists in history. I think adolf hitler is the most hated artist, so I cant even be the most hated because I dont kill people. I just suck the joy out of their souls. I consider adolf hitler to be an artist because that played a role in his success, maybe a wizardly showman of death. Although most tyrants arnt artists, and he did have a warped sense of art, on the spectrum of art we are probably opposites. He would definitly destroy all my art, like a lot of people wish they could. Even though I have distain for the people, I am an artist of the people. Mass consumption of my art has taken place, and maybe in some small way I have pushed the evolution of the human species forward. Maybe I will be universally admired when I am dead, as tends to happen to some people. There are many fasceds to my art and what I have created, and right now people cant look at it as a totality of work, but in the future they will be able to. The minor details of it are hated by some but the gradiosity of the entire endevour may instill awe in others. I dont know not including inflation, my star wars movies made more than georges, maybe I am holding myself to a standard that is too high, he did just rip them off of other stories. But in a genius kind of way, where as my stories are about destruction and hopelessness, meaninglessness, and absurdity. I guess what it comes down to is george used story telling techniques that have been around for thousands of years, and I think of myself more of as an artist than a story teller. I reject all the techniques that make a "good" story. And you know when you go into the realm of art you lose most people. The orginal trilogy and the prequals all follow classical beats where as in my sequal trilogy I tried to create the feeling like anything could happen at any moment, an absurd dream reality. Im more interested in creating moving statues of art than in story telling. I try to cut out character development, morals, payoffs, and everything or anything that can make a story enjoyable, I try to make them boring so as to illicate suffering that will lead to enlightment. I think if someone listens to all the songs I have created, reads all the books I have written, understands all the movies I have created they will become an enlightened being. Once you understand the lore you no longer need the lore. Its just that since I am creating art on such a public level I would like to create something truly great. At the very least if you become my student you will know how to become rich in many things. I have created all these things to teach the world, since I cant teach every individual. If I sacrfice my self will I go to hell? huh? once you know you are dreaming you will be in the dream. What I am trying to say is I just wrote a bunch of movies to make money. The plan didnt really work. I should just not worry about it. I feel like I have failed at making movies, so why keep going? I kind of wish I was selling TVs now, and could disapear into obscurity, but Ariana sold my tv company. It looks like they are not using my joker 2 script. Im disapointed. Makes me question if I should finish the star wars scripts. Maybe I can still get it done as an elseworlds story. I dont care anymore I have been poisioned and robbed of my wealth. Enslaved. conections never easy you said. This is like an epologue at the begining of this story of my career. My nba sports teams got kicked out of the playoffs but my hockey teams are still in it. I guess it makes sense that so many of my movies flopped, since i am not a beloved film maker. The ones created to make money made money, there really isnt much money in the film buissness. I really dont care anymore I wrote them a long time ago. I'm more interested in creating an epic that out sells where the crawdads sing. Why? bother? I couldnt tell you. Its more about the style of writting than the story. I wanted to make 50 billion off movies but now I realize that isnt possiable, even though I have written almost 30 movies that made a billion half of that goes to movie theaters. Its time to start focusing on the artistry and forget about my dreams. I have successfully destroyed the comic book genere. in terms of movies. I recently had a religious experience where I felt unconditional love for someone and transcended the universe and was one with God. Im not as successfull as I thought I would be when I was growing up, but I have the love of God. So at this point there is no point in talking about the movies, books, and lyrics I have written. It was a failure, but I found what I didnt know I was seeking. At least I will always have riverdale. At this point all I can do is have faith that if Ariana has the power she will make me the richest man on the planet, even though I have my doubts because she wont end my nightmare. You know it is kind of imbarrasing with my movies flopping, but I will get over it. Ive had the number one song and movie consecitivly in the world for the longest amount of time in human history, what time that is I couldnt say. I dont have the technology to reasearch it, I would need a spread sheet made for me. Morgan wallen one day at a time is just killing it, its keeping my other stuff from reaching number one. Its just audience reactions. I finished the star wars script, not sure if they will use it since rey turns to the darkside. My summer block buster movies are flopping. The Golden Knights might win the stanely cup. It is so embarrasing ariana not paying me. Its like she doesnt think i am a man or a human. This is a never ending nightmare. I guess that is what fortnite is for so I can afford to write shitty movies. I talked to the girls in the bathroom for an extended period of time. Once all the drugs were gone, I stumbled out of the bathroom in search of amy. I found her and she took me up to her room and poured me some wine.
"so what have you been working on?" amy said
"Im working on this book called dairy of an oxygen theif, its about a guy who has sex. He just kind of whines, he is a social outcast that no one should like but he finds a way to get laid. Im writing it like it is the truth but it is pure fiction." I said
"sounds interesting. I wonder if we will know eachother once you are rich and famous." she said
"probably not but who knows. My wifes waiting for me, waiting for me outside." I said
"then we better enjoy this moment while we can." she said
"yeah once I find a way to get my movie scripts made, I will be rich and be able to leave michigan and never look back." I said
a took a chug of the wine because I was feeling lonely
"writing a book is a lonely endevour, I feel lonely all the time." I said
"you dont have to be lonely we are together right now." she said
"I like you, your a good friend and always have been." I said
"I cant wait to read your book." she said
"Im probably going to publish it anonymously so no one knows if it is real or not. Its kind of a book written for women, I wonder if it will increase my sexual incounters so I dont feel so bad all the time. In a way people reading your words breaks up the monotony of being alive." I said
"ill be first in line, for the sexual incounters haha. Imma grow up to be star fucker." she said
"you dont have to try to hard, your one of the most sexual people I have ever met." I said
she started to take off her pants
"are you going to lick my vagina?" she said
"yeah, once I get bored of talking about myself." I said
"so it wont be that long, you arnt a very interesting person. im starting to get wet." she said as she took her shirt off.
It was a bit strange how eager she was to have sex and to be openly talking about sex, I was starting to get nervious so I poured myself another drink. I had paranoia and performance anxiety as if I would be judged based on my sexual prowess.
"well maybe I should get started, since you are already naked and what not." I said
"take your time, I enjoy talking to you too." she said
I was emotonally attatched to her and the weird slutty life she lived fascinated me.
"I dont really have much to say, I just stare off into the distance and try to sound deep." I said
"you are deep and intellegent, you dont have to try." she said
"when I am an old man, I am going to miss beautiful women like you." I said as I jumped on the bed and started licking her pussy.
it turns out all the nerves left me and it wasnt as difficult as I was imagining it to be. Her black vagina hair meshed well with her brown skin and thought about everything perfect about being alive.
"I want you inside me." she said after awhile.
I got paranoid again as if I had taken too much time, then we started having sex, in unforseen outburst I said.
"I love you."
"I love you." she said
I had known her for a few years, so it was only natural love would bloom, or maybe it was because we werent in our right minds, but just as death comes too soon hannah poked her head through the door and said
"Im leaving."
"oh God she wants me to walk her home, or at least I should. Im not going to be able to finish." I said
"no dont leave, you can run and catch up with her." she said
I thought about it for a moment and she had a point. I didnt really want hannah walking home alone because ypsilanti is a dangerious place, then I thought of all the heroin I had at home and was inspired to finish. You know in order to drink while heavily addicted to heroin you have to wait for a lul in the high so it had been awhile since I shot heroin. I decided to keep having sex, after all we were in love. We both came at the same time and it was something glorious. As I got up to get dressed she said
"do you really love me?"
I said, " thats what I said, it was like a dream. Sorry we cant cuddle for awhile."
"no I understand, Ill see you again soon." she said
"yeah." I said
then I turned around and walked through the party and out the door. I thought to myself am I really going to run or just hope nothing bad happens and meet her at the house? I decided to run.
I caught up