"Y'know... now that I think about it, I don't think I handled this situation very well."
"Hmm-mm."
"I mean, instead of having Reinhard hide and wait to ambush her, why not just leave the loot house? We had enough legal reason to force Rom and Felt out until this whole thing was settled."
"Mmm."
"Or hell, why didn't I just get you? I spent three hours here explaining stuff that honestly could've been summarized with: 'The trinket is important. You're going to jail if you survive the assassination. Unless you come with us.'"
"Mmmm."
"Or maybe just keep Reinhard inside. He probably has a Divine Protection of Super Hiding or something. Why did we have to stash him outside to ambush an assassin who didn't even know we were onto her?"
"Please stop talking. I need to focus on healing you."
The battle at the loot house continued, even after the Sword Saint arrived—which was unusual. Conflicts usually ended the moment he entered the room.
The strange-looking boy kept talking, even as the half-elf diligently worked to mend his torn flesh back together.
"How's my arm, by the way?" Subaru asked—far too casually for someone who'd just torn his arms open. "Do I have to let go of my hooping dreams?"
"You didn't lose much flesh or bone, fortunately," the half-elf replied, her hands glowing faintly with healing magic. "It was only severed, so I might be able to mend it... at least for now."
"Heh," the boy chuckled. "'Only severed?' The bar for injury in this world is really high, huh? As expected of a world with magic." He laughed at his own condition. Back home, something like this would mostly be unfixable.
"This world?" the half-elf asked, a curious note in her voice as she picked up on the strange phrasing.
Subaru simply gave a vague smile. "I'll tell you later."
"You're awfully calm for someone who almost bled to death," the cat perched in her hair remarked, narrowing his eyes at the boy as he examined him more closely, trying to figure out what his deal was.
"You're still here? I thought it was already past five," Subaru replied casually.
"Okay, now you're really starting to sound suspicious. First, you know my name—and now my contract?" Puck's tone turned sharper, more inquisitive. He'd been wary from the start, but now he couldn't hide it anymore. "Who are you, really?"
Puck had never seen this boy before, yet somehow the stranger knew who he was, what he was capable of... even the conditions of his contract? Something was off. Very off.
"Same as Emilia-tan. I'll tell you everything when this is over. Right now, I just have to—OOUCH!"
"S-sorry!" Emilia flinched, startled by his sudden cry. "Wait, no—you moved your arm! That's not my fault!"
"Ow—yeah, that one's on me," Subaru winced, groaning as he tried to settle back into place. "I forgot my arms were sliced just a few minutes ago."
"How do you even forget something like that?" the cat asked, sounding genuinely baffled.
"One way of dealing with problems is by pretending they don't exist," Subaru answered with a deadpan expression.
"I just hope I can still play video games after what happened to my arm," Subaru muttered to no one in particular, his eyes fixed on the broken ceiling of the loot house—courtesy of the ongoing clash between the Sword Saint and the assassin.
Not that it really mattered. Everyone already knew how this fight would end.
Subaru tilted his head slightly, trying to catch a glimpse of the action. Reinhard was clearly toying with the assassin—dodging every strike with minimal effort, not even bothering to fight back. None of her attacks came close to landing.
"Is there any reason why he still hasn't beaten her already?" Subaru asked, far too casually for someone half-covered in blood.
"If the Sword Saint were to unleash his power, the mana in the atmosphere would be completely drained. And as a spirit arts user, I need that mana to heal you and the old man," Emilia explained, trying to justify Reinhard's inaction.
Subaru raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, but that's for his super sword nuke technique or whatever he calls it. I'm just saying—why not swing his sword really fast and dice her up like sashimi?"
It was a fair point. In the original timeline, Elsa was defeated by Garfiel. And no matter how fast people think that guy is, he's not faster than base Reinhard.
"I… don't know?" Emilia admitted, clearly stumped.
Emilia finally finished mending the flesh and bones in Subaru's arms before moving on to the old man. His injuries weren't as severe, so he got healed last.
Subaru flexed his fingers experimentally. It still stung a little, but compared to the unbearable pain from a few minutes ago, it was a massive improvement.
"...So magic really is real here," Subaru muttered to himself. Sure, he'd already come to terms with the fact that he was in another world. He had seen Emilia launch a barrage of magical ice missiles at Elsa, after all.
But watching his own torn flesh and muscle knit itself back together—that was something else entirely. Surreal didn't even begin to cover it.
'...Did she have a doctorate? How does she even know which arteries are supposed to go where?' a passing thought crossed his mind
"I'm done," the half-elf girl chimed in after finishing up with the old man. "We can tell the Sword Saint to stop holding back now."
"Alright! We can finally end this stupid arc!" Subaru shot up to his feet, using his freshly mended arm for support.
"Reinhard!" he yelled, "Go boom boom!"
"...What does that even mean?" Elsa asked, utterly bewildered.
"I think he meant this," Reinhard replied as his sword began to glow with a radiant light—and then—
BOOM!
With one clean swing, he unleashed his "fuck everything in that general direction" technique, reducing half the house to rubble.
"My house!" Felt screamed, staring at the wreckage left in the wake of Reinhard's "boom boom."
"Don't worry, Felt," Subaru said, placing a hand on her head and giving it a reassuring pat. "You're gonna live with Reinhard now," he added with a bright smile.
"Wait, what?" she blinked, face scrunching up in utter confusion and disbelief.
"Hey, Reinhard!" Subaru called out, gripping the little girl's arm just in case she bolted. "I got your fifth candidate right here!"
Felt's eyes widened as she remembered what the guy had said earlier about her being the fifth candidate for the throne. "Let go of me!" she shouted, immediately trying to wriggle free.
"Hey—damn it, stop squirming! How are you so strong?!" Subaru struggled to hold her still until the Sword Saint finally approached and grabbed her other arm.
"Are you sure, Subaru?" Reinhard asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yep. The rock glowed and everything," Subaru answered casually as he started fishing around in Felt's pocket.
"Hey—what the hell are you doing?!" she snapped, recoiling at the sudden invasion of her personal space. A faint blush appeared on her face.
"Stop moving. You don't even have anything to touch yet," Subaru tried to calm her down.
"Fuck you!" Which didn't work.
"There it is!" Subaru exclaimed triumphantly, pulling the insignia out of Felt's pocket. As expected, the rock didn't glow for him.
(Fuck you, King Subaru fans.)
"My insignia!" Emilia gasped when she spotted it in his hand.
"That's right, this is yours," Subaru confirmed, before adding, "but if you were to look right here~" —he gently placed the insignia into Felt's hand.
The rock immediately began glowing with a faint red light.
Felt, meanwhile, was still trying to wrestle her way out of Reinhard's grip. She wasn't about to let herself be made a princess just because some rock told her to.
"Aaaand there you go!" Subaru gestured to the glowing trinket like a magician finishing a trick. "That's official enough for this kingdom, right? Take her away, Reinhard!"
Without missing a beat, the Sword Saint calmly pressed two fingers against Felt's neck.
She continued squirming for a moment longer… then went limp in his arms.
"I... didn't mean for you to knock her out, but whatever works for you. I guess." Subaru commented on the sword saint's forceful method. But he is not going to complain to the guy that can destroy half the planet if he wanted to.
"Anyway!" Subaru spun around dramatically to face the half-elf girl. "I have come to return your precious regalia, my lady," he declared, dropping to one knee and presenting the insignia on his open palm like a sacred relic. His voice took on an absurdly chivalrous knightly accent.
The half-elf blinked at him for a moment, then chuckled, quickly catching on to his little performance.
"Why, of course, O brave knight~" she replied, matching his tone with mock elegance. "You shall be handsomely rewarded for your noble service."
"Oh, how you humble me, my lady. Truly, your generosity knows no bounds," Subaru responded with an exaggerated bow of his head.
They held the ridiculous pose for a beat—then both burst out laughing, the tension of the past few hours cracking like glass beneath the weight of their shared silliness.
"You two seem quite close already," the Sword Saint remarked with a gentle smile, watching their antics.
"Yeah, funny what happens when you try talking to people instead of kidnapping them," Subaru replied, his voice light but laced with concealed sarcasm.
"I... see?" Reinhard answered, still smiling—completely oblivious to the jab.
"Anyway! Now, back to being homeless since I have no money or anything under my name here," Subaru said, casually tossing out his tragic backstory like bait on a hook—hoping the kind-hearted half-elf would bite.
"Gasp! You have no home?" And just like a fish, Emilia took the bait.
"That's right," Subaru nodded gravely. "I was forcefully teleported here by a stalker lady and now I'm stranded—separated from my family, my friends, with nothing in my hands but despair. Oh, woe is me," he lamented dramatically, fully leaning into the performance.
And, of course, Emilia ate up every word. She has her hands on her mouth as she gasped in surprise.
Puck, however, was giving Subaru the side-eye the entire time.
"Well... he's not lying, at least," the cat spirit commented. "I can sense his intent. Doesn't seem like he means you any harm. Kind of the opposite actually."
That sealed it for Emilia. She turned toward Subaru, mouth opening to offer him a place to stay.
"W–well—"
"If you want, you can live with me, Subaru," Reinhard offered instead, completely unaware he just cut her off.
Subaru was having none of it.
"Reinhard. Buddy."
In an instant, Subaru had his arm slung around the Sword Saint's shoulder. Of course, Reinhard was taller, so he had to awkwardly lean down just to make the scene work. Subaru pulled him in close like they were lifelong pals sharing war stories.
"Listen," he began in a low, serious whisper. "Have you ever heard of the bro code, man?"
Reinhard blinked. "...Bro code?"
"When a brother is tryin' to score," Subaru continued, expression dead serious, "the other brother's job is to assist. You're supposed to be the wingman, not the wall, man!"
Reinhard tilted his head slightly, utterly lost. "I... see? I'm sorry?"
"Don't worry, man. Just read the room next time," Subaru said, giving Reinhard a friendly pat on the chest. Without missing a beat, he spun back around to face the half-elf, resuming his dramatic flair.
"Oh! How tragic my life is!" he lamented, one hand on his forehead like a soap opera actor.
Emilia blinked, startled by the sudden shift in tone. She took a deep breath and tried to compose herself. After being interrupted earlier by the Sword Saint, all the confidence she'd been working up had completely vanished.
"W-well..." she stammered, clutching the hem of her dress. "You can live with me, if you want. Because you found my insignia! I'm just trying to repay you for what you've done."
Subaru's face lit up with exaggerated delight. "Oh–hoo~ Tsundere Emilia-tan? I must've been a really good boy in my previous life to deserve such a blessing!"
Emilia's face flushed a deep shade of red as she tried to maintain her composure, clearly flustered by the teasing.
"Anyway," Subaru suddenly said, stepping forward with a theatrical flair, "I just realized I haven't introduced myself to any of you. Let's make this official!"
He took a bold stance—one hand planted on his hip, the other dramatically pointing to the sky for no apparent reason.
"My name is Natsuki Subaru! A boy from another world who is broke beyond compare!"
He delivered the line with full confidence, as if he hadn't just nearly died twice. Emilia stared at him, wide-eyed, clearly impressed despite herself. She thought he was cool—because, deep down, she was mentally twelve.
Even Reinhard gave him an enthusiastic round of applause, ever the supportive audience.
Subaru then brought a hand to his chin, tapping it thoughtfully. "Though... I did just save a princess, and I've still got my phone. So maybe I won't be broke for long."
"Oh! That reminds me" Subaru quickly pulled out his phone. Miraculously, it sustains no damage despite all that has happened today
"Can we take a selfie together?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Eh? So you really are—"
"Yup," Subaru cut Emilia off with a grin. "I'm from another world. And in that world, this place is nothing but a story. I never thought I'd actually get teleported here—even with the same name as the main character."
A dragon-drawn carriage rolled down the quiet streets under the cover of night. A pink-haired girl was at the reins, steering steadily while two people talked inside the cabin.
Subaru had just uploaded a photo from his phone: a chaotic snapshot of him, Emilia, and Reinhard standing in the wreckage of the loot house. His face and clothes were still stained with dried blood—most notably his arm, which looked freshly mended. Despite the carnage, he flashed a peace sign at the camera with a smug smile. Emilia stood beside him, awkwardly trying to smile.
The caption read:
"I lived, bitch."
The comments came flooding in:
"Holy shit. That looks real!"
"Is that actual blood or just makeup?"
"Bro this stopped being funny like five posts ago."
"That Emilia cosplayer is so cute!"
"What's her OnlyElf?"
"Gooner mentality."
"Nooooo! Where is Elsa?!"
"A world where this world is just a story..." Emilia murmured, her voice soft with wonder. The thought seemed to weigh on her. "I can't imagine what it must feel like to be in your shoes."
Subaru glanced at her, then let out a tired sigh. "It's not even accurate, you know. For one, Elsa shouldn't have those stupid runes to silence the house. That wasn't in the story I remember."
"Elsa?" Emilia blinked in confusion.
"The assassin," Subaru clarified. "That's her name."
"Oh," Emilia replied quietly,
"And to top it off, I'm not even supposed to have this." Subaru pulled out his phone and held it up for her to see. "In the story, the guy only had some ancient flip phone that couldn't even play YouTube. But me? I got to keep my Samsung Galaxy S25 Ultra—and somehow, it still gets internet."
He looked genuinely baffled by that last part, as if the cosmic laws of technology had taken pity on him.
Emilia, however, stared at the sleek device in his hand with growing confusion. The more he explained, the more lost she looked.
"I'm sorry," she said with a small, apologetic smile. "I don't know what any of that means."
"It's like an invisible thread that connects my phone to everyone else's," Subaru explained, holding the device in front of her like it was a holy relic. "You can share pictures—or videos, which are just moving pictures—and even talk to each other from across the world."
"Like a Metia?" Emilia asked, tilting her head.
"Exactly!" Subaru pointed at her with approval. "But here's the kicker—those connections are only supposed to exist in my world. You can't even get a decent signal on the moon, so how the hell do I still have 150Mbps in a completely different dimension?!"
He shouted that last part to the sky, somehow expecting the gods of wireless technology to answer.
And then—
Call of the Witch began playing out of nowhere.
Emilia jumped at the sudden ominous sound echoing from Subaru's phone, her hands instinctively hovering near her chest. "Wh-what's that noise?!"
Subaru, on the other hand, was staring at his phone in bewilderment. "Huh? Someone's... calling me?"
The display flickered, turning a blurry shade of gray. Then, as if summoned from a bad horror movie, an image faded into view—a woman with long white hair and a black dress, her expression unreadable as she looked directly at him through the screen.
It was an unknown number. He'd never seen it before.
But the face?
He knew that face.
He'd seen her before—many times, in art, cutscenes, fan wikis, and late-night Reddit threads. But never like this. Never with her staring back at him like she knew he was looking.
His finger hovered for a moment, then he tapped the glowing green icon.
#...Moshi moshi~?#
Her voice chimed through the speaker like silk sliding across glass.
It was her.
The Witch of Greed.
Echidna.