Why?
Why is all of this happening!!
I...
If only I had enough strength!
If only I were strong enough to fight...!
I am nothing but a fool..
Who am I to fight against my own fate!
I'm just a fool!
So naive...!
A tree growing in barren soil
Never asks why it grows
It only reaches upward, though its roots are wounded
It only endures, though its leaves fall
One by one—
Swallowed by winds that were never kind
But a tree cannot fight the wind
A tree cannot refuse the drought
A tree can only stand—
And wait
Waiting for the axe that will fell it
Or the lightning that will burn it
Or the time that will rot it
And I—
I am that tree
Growing in soil I never asked for
Reaching into a sky I never chose
Waiting for my own axe
Waiting for my own lightning
Waiting...
...for an end I have never known
Ken's soul began to tense. No longer like contracting muscle—Not like a freezing body—But like fabric stretched too tight, its fibers beginning to snap one by one. Like glass holding pressure too long, cracks began spreading from one corner to another.
He lost control over the soul he should have been able to command at will.. his body—that had long been seized. But control over his own mind. His mind that had been his final fortress, his final weapon, the final space where he could still be Ken—now began to crumble. Every question he asked—Why? Who? What?—only accelerated the collapse. Like waves striking a cliff, eroding little by little, until nothing remained but dust.
I...am weary
Weary... a weariness born from the root of my existence. Weariness flowing through every fiber of my soul. Weariness beyond the reach of words, for words themselves have run dry of meaning.
I have asked. Again and again. Why? Who are you? What do you want? Yet no answer comes. Only the gaze. Only the silence. Only procedure running without end.
I have fought. Tried to move my body. Tried to hide my thoughts. Tried to hold onto the remnants of myself. All in vain. Like trying to empty the ocean with a spoon. Like trying to stop a hurricane with an open palm.
I have hoped. Hoped someone would come. Gaius. Danteus. Hector. Anyone. Hoped this was nothing but a nightmare, and I would soon awaken. Yet no one came. No one woke me. Only the Void. Only the gaze. Only silence.
So... what is left?
I closed my eyes. Not physical eyes—for I have no physical eyes. But the eyes of my soul. The eyes that had remained open all this time, watching, questioning. I closed them. Slowly. Surrendering. I no longer wish to see. No longer wish to ask. No longer wish to fight.
I only wish... to stop.
And in the darkness behind the lids of my soul, I felt something I had never felt before. Not peace. Not stillness. But... a deeper void. A void surpassing even the Void surrounding me. A void born from within myself.
Is this the end?
No answer.
Only silence.
Only emptiness.
Only... darkness creeping ever closer, swallowing the last remnants of light still flickering within my soul.
I closed my eyes.
The lids descended slowly—not physical lids, but the lids of the soul. The final shutter of what remained of my conscious space. Light that had never even existed here dimmed gradually, replaced by a darkness more absolute, born from within.
The Void around me gaped. The Void from within me answered.
Two emptinesses faced one another. Two abysses staring. I hung between them—not as a bridge, but as a point shrinking ever smaller. Becoming ever more insignificant.
I no longer asked questions. Those questions had been buried deep, layer upon layer, beneath the weight of surrender that had become my only fortress. A strange fortress—one that protected me by yielding. One that saved me by erasing me.
Seconds passed—or perhaps not. Time held no meaning here. Only silence. Only the gaze of the Watchers observing still, though my soul's lids had closed. I could not see them, yet I knew they remained. They had always remained. They would always remain.
Sleep, said the night
But there is no night here
Only the Void singing a lullaby
With notes unheard
And lyrics unfathomable
Sleep, said the silence
But here even silence speaks
It whispers in the crevices of my soul's fractures
seeps into the hollows left behind
It fills the emptiness with...
...more emptiness
I drifted. Directionless. Purposeless. Without the will to return. The Void from without and the Void from within mingled now, churning, creating a vortex that pulled me deeper. Farther from the surface. Farther from anything I had ever known as "me."
What remained of me now? A speck of consciousness refusing to extinguish. A spark amid an ocean of nothing. Not from strength, but from being unfinished. Something still tethered me here, on the threshold between being and nothingness. Something unresolved. Someone unsaved.
Gaius... are you still alive? Are you still searching for me? Or have you surrendered, as I have? Or do you not even know that I vanished, sucked into this Void as we stood at the gates of Elysion?
I don't know. I will never know. For here, there are no answers. Only silence. Only the gaze. Only procedure running without end.
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My first memory opened...
Not I who opened it. Not I who chose it. It was forced open by invisible hands—torn from its hiding place in the darkest corner of my soul—staged before the Watchers who never blink.
Viman'pura. The waterfall. The oath beneath it. I saw myself—younger, more foolish, more convinced the world could be saved by the promise of two small children. I saw Gaius beside me. His hand raised. His voice unwavering. His eyes gleaming with a light never yet touched by darkness.
And I felt the pain. Not in my body—I had no body even when I was still a creature.. I felt it... precisely in my soul. Pain sharp, piercing, like shards of glass left behind in a wound that never healed.
"He believed once."
Tch—
"Belief is irrelevant."
Bastard...
"Observation continues."
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•
I wanted to scream. I wanted to say it was never mere belief—it was me. It was who I used to be. Who I was when I was still whole. But my voice vanished, swallowed by a Void that refused to listen.
My second memory opened... The thing I always hid from the world.. but now—
Kael. Meira. Father. Mother. I saw them standing at the gates of Viman'pura, waving as Gaius and I ran toward the forest. I saw the smile on Father's face—a smile always half-hidden beneath his pale features. I saw Mother wiping tears from the corner of her eyes, though she kept on smiling.
I wanted to stop here..
I wanted to stay here, in this moment, where they were still alive and I still had a family. But the memory kept turning.. Kept moving forward. And I could not stop it..!
Fire. I saw fire! My home burning!
Father's body on the floor!
Mother's body beside him!
They were not moving!
They would never move again....
"Attachment to the deceased."
Family... Am I even worthy—
"Attachment is irrelevant."
"Observation continues."
The pain returned. Deeper this time. Sharper. More... devastating. I wanted to weep, but my tears had already been measured before they fell. I wanted to fight, but every strike hit nothing but absent air.
My third memory opened... Elyra.. I miss you..
Elyra... Warm embraces beneath star-filled nights. Fairy tales of the Eternal Guardian Constellation. Her gentle hand stroking my hair, her soothing voice whispering promises of stars that would always watch over us...
I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe that somewhere out there, among the clusters of stars I cannot even see from here, something still cared. But here, beneath the gaze of thousands of unblinking eyes, even hope felt like a cruel joke.
"Emotionalattachment to folklore."
"Folklore is irrelevant."
"Observation continues."
I am nothing but a specimen. I am nothing but data. I am nothing but an object dissected without anesthesia.
Every memory I kept sealed tight, every moment I guarded from the darkness, now played before the Watchers like a silent film long out of date.
Ihate them—those who keep recording...! Keep measuring. Keep appraising.
"Who am I?"
No one answered me...
Only silence. Only the gaze. Only procedure running without end.
I closed the eyes of my soul, hoping everything would stop, hoping my memories would stop turning, hoping this pain would stop spreading. But hope has no place here, and I have no power over myself.
I'm nothing but a spectacle...
I'm nothing but a specimen..
I'm.. nothing but... foreign...
Even to myself.
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Are You... there?
The question rose unbidden. Without warning. Like a bubble surfacing from the deepest ocean floor of my soul. A bubble carrying all the doubt I had long buried. All the fury I had long suppressed. All... the despair I had long denied.
Are You there??!
I do not know to whom I am asking. Perhaps to God. Perhaps to a deity. Perhaps to Kael—my father who lies dead. Perhaps to myself. They are all the same here. In a place where even sacred names shed their meaning. In a place where prayers never reach the heavens. In a place where... You may never have set foot.
But if You exist—
if You truly exist—where were You when my family burnedalive?
Where were You when!! I stood before the ruins of my home, clutching the ashes that were once my mother?
Where were.... Y..ou when I raised a blad!!! for the first time...not to protect, but to avenge??!
Were You watching???
Were You merely seated upon Your magnificent throne! gazing down from above....! observing my suffering like a theater performance...???
Were....YoU entertained???
Were... You... satisfied??!!
"He questions the Divine."
Are You satisfied... Satisfied watching the suffering I endure??!!
"Questioning the Divine is irrelevant."
"Observation continues."
I wanted to laugh... Laugh hearing those voices that keep recording, measuring, appraising—as though my suffering were data to be analyzed. But I could not do it. I have no mouth at all. I have no voice. Only fury blazing within a naked soul. Fury with no outlet. Fury that... perhaps... will never reach You.
Do You hear?!?!
Do You care?!!!?
Or am I merely one among millions of prayers You never answer??!!
I demand justice. I demand Your intervention. I demand... something. ANYTHING...!!!
A sign... A whisper.! A dream..?!. Even Your wrath I would accept, as long as You show that You exist....! That You see. That You... care...
But nothing came...
No lightning struck...!
No voice echoed...
No hand descended from the heavens to pull me out of this Void...
Only silence. .
Only the gaze...!
Only procedure running without end...
And I... I began to wonder, could it be that You do not exist? Never existed?
Could it be that everything Elyra taught me was nothing but fairy tales?
Could it be that the Eternal Guardian Constellation never truly was, and I have been deceived my entire life?
Or—something far more terrifying—perhaps
You do exist.., but You choose not to care?
Perhaps You are real, but my suffering is too small to be noticed?
Perhaps You exist,
but You... enjoy it?
"He spirals into theological despair."
I....HA.te YoUuu...
"Despair is irrelevant."
"Observation continues."
I hate You... For a moment,
I truly hateYou!
I hate You for not saving my family..!
I hate You for not stopping the war...
I hate You for leaving me trapped here, in this Void, beneath the gaze of thousands of unblinking eyes...!
I hate You.
I hate You!
I HATE YOU!
But the hatred did not last. It evaporated, vanished, swallowed by something greater. Something more... devastating. The realization that it was not You who were wrong. Not You who were weak. Not You who did not care. But me. I who was too weak. I who was too slow. I who was too... insignificant to be saved.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•
I am a blade never sharp enough. I am a shield never strong enough. I am an assassin who could not protect his own family. What was the point of learning to kill, if the ones I loved most died before my eyes? What was the point of honing my speed, if I was too late to save my parents? What was the point of all the training, all the blood, all the sweat—if in the end I could only stand before the ruins of my home, clutching ashes, and whisper, "Forgive me"?
I failed. I failed as a son... I failed as a brother. I failed as a protector..
Failed as a killer...!
I am nothing but a walking failure—a failure drifting in the midst of the Void, without body, without voice, without anything except regret gnawing at my soul..
"He shifts from external blame to self-flagellation."
"Self-flagellation is irrelevant."
"Observation continues."
I have never killed a single creature...
I have only killed myself...
I hate myself. Not because I am weak—though I am indeed weak. Not because I failed—But because I am... cold. Rigid. Never able to give what I should have given to those I loved. I remember how Elyra always embraced me, yet I could never return her embrace with warmth. I remember how Gaius always smiled at me, yet I could never smile back more warmly. I remember how Father and Mother always said they were proud of me, yet I could never say the same—I am proud of them—proud to be their son, proud to be part of their family—proud to be their blossom..
And now they are all gone....
Kael. Meira. Elyra. Viman'pura. All of them...
Only Gaius and I remain. And I cannot even tell him I love him.. That he is my brother. That he is the only reason I have endured this long. I am too cold. Too rigid. Too... afraid. Afraid to open up. Afraid to show weakness. Afraid to love.
"He expresses regret for emotional unavailability."
"Emotional unavailability is irrelevant."
"Observation continues."
I don't know if Gaius still lives. I do not know if he still searches for me. I do not know if he knows I vanished, sucked into this Void as we stood at the gates of Elysion. If he still searches, I want to tell him.. stop. Do not waste your time. I am not worthy of being saved. I am nothing but a dull blade. A cracked shield. An assassin who could protect no one. I am... failure. And failure does not deserve to be saved.
If You are there—if You are truly there—I do not ask You to save me....
I am unworthy....
But I ask You to watch over Gaius.
Please... He is a good man. He is a just king. He is a loyal brother..
He does not deserve to suffer for my foolishness..
I know I have no right to ask anything of You.!
I know I am nothing but a speck of dust in the midst of a Void You do not care for. But still I ask. Not for myself.
But for him..
"Hepra—"
Te...Tears??
I do not know where they came from. I do not know how a single drop of water could appear in a place where there is no body, no eyes, no glands to hold them. But it fell. I felt it—not on my cheek, but precisely on my soul. On the surface of my naked soul, which had been dry all this time, which had refused all this time to surrender to the most human of weaknesses.
The tears fell..
They flowed without permission. Without control. Without logic. They flowed like a river dammed for decades, and now the dam had burst. Burst by the Void. Burst by the gaze. Burst by suffering I could no longer contain.
The Watchers did not record this. For the first time, their voices were silent. Perhaps they were confused. Perhaps they had no protocol for tears. Perhaps they—beings without bodies, without emotions, without souls—never learned that a soul can weep. That even in a place where the laws of physics hold no sway, the laws of a broken heart still reign.
I'm...crying? I—Ken, the Assassin, the Shadow, the Legend—crying like a small child lost in a marketplace. Like a small child who has lost his mother. Like a small child who cannot find his way home.
These tears are not only for myself...
If only you knew... I weep for you...
Gaius, my brother... the only one left. Where is he now? Is he still standing at the gates of Elysion, waiting for me to return? Does he still believe I will emerge from the darkness, as I always have? Or has he given up? I hope he has given up. I hope he has forgotten me. I hope he goes on with his life, leads his kingdom, marries someone who can make him happy. I hope he is not waiting for me, because I... I may never return.
Save him.
Save Gaius...
I do not care what happens to me.
I do not care if I must remain here forever, beneath their gaze, in the midst of this Void...
But save him.
He is a good king—a loyal brother. He... he deserves a happy ending. Not like me...
These tears keep flowing...Filling the emptiness within my soul.
"Give him peace. Give him victory. Give him someone who can make him laugh, someone who will not mock the way he eats chicken noodles so messily. Someone who will not tease him when he tries to woo a woman and fails utterly. Someone... better than me."
Kael.. Meira. Father-Mother. Two people who should not have died. Two people who should still be alive, growing old in peace, watching their child grow and change. But they died.. Burned.. Inside the home that was supposed to be the safest place in the world.
Please.. Give them a good place..
In the realm beyond. At Your side...
Wherever they are now.
Give them a new home.
A home without me inside it.
A home that will not burn.
A home where they can live in peace, without having to think of their child who failed to protect them.
"Ma... Forgive me. I always bothered you with those foolish questions..
'Ma, what are you cooking today?' 'Ma, what's the side dish?' 'Ma, why is your cooking always so good?' I never stopped asking. I never stopped bothering you. But now... now you can rest. No one will ask about side dishes and cooking anymore. No one will sit at the kitchen table, waiting impatiently, stealing a little food before it's done. You can rest now, Ma. You can be at peace. Without me."
These tears... They only grow heavier... but at least... they fill the void in this heart of mine...
"Dad... Forgive me. I always asked you to forge new swords. 'Dad, my blade is dull.' 'Dad, I need a sharper one.' 'Dad, please make a lighter one!' I never stopped asking. I never stopped demanding. But now... now you can rest. No one will bother you in the workshop anymore. No one will ask for swords that were never sharp enough. You can rest, Dad. You can be at peace.. Without me."
Funny, isn't it...
I, who always disturbed you.
Now here... weeping for you..
Elyra, my older sister. Not a sister by blood, but she was more than that. She was the one who always held me on nights when I could not sleep. She was the one who always combed my hair with her gentle fingers. She was the one who always told stories of the Eternal Guardian Constellation, of stars standing watch in the sky, of heroes who never surrendered to the darkness.
"Elyra... Forgive me. I always disturbed your nights. 'Sis, tell me the story of the Constellation again.' 'Sis, comb my hair again.' 'Sis, why do the stars never tire of shining?' I never stopped asking. I never stopped pleading. But now... now you can enjoy your nights in peace. No one will sit beside you, asking you to tell stories. No one will rest their head on your lap, asking you to comb their hair. You can gaze at the stars in peace now. Without me."
_ _ _
Trash.
I am nothing but a fool..
A fool who kept denying..
Trash... That is what I am. I am trash who could not protect his own family. Trash who could not save his own parents. Trash who can only weep in the midst of the Void, begging for mercy from a God who may not care. I am a statue without a soul. A puppet moved by guilt. A marionette played by regret. I look like a creature, but I have never truly been one. I am nothing but an empty shell walking across two worlds, pretending to be someone who matters. But I do not. I have never mattered.
Trash drifting in a waterless ocean
A statue weeping in a museum without visitors
A puppet praying in a church without God
That is me
That is me
That is me
My tears keep flowing. I do not know how long I have wept. Perhaps a minute. Perhaps a thousand years. Time holds no meaning here. Only tears. Only regret. Only... a void that keeps gaping, swallowing all my words, all my prayers, all... of me.
And for the first time, I did not resist. I did not try to be strong. I did not try to be Ken. I only... wept. As I should. As a fragile creature. As a soul finally surrendering to its own burden.