Chapter 124: Raj Wins the Prize
After returning home, Ron looked at the hefty deposit in his bank account and was absolutely thrilled. However, things weren't so rosy for the federal agent who'd been stuck with him.
Because Ron's stunt was so half-assed, after he left, Agent Harris had to replace all those handwritten "Bugatti" and "Rolls-Royce" labels with actual manufacturer badges, even though it made her sick to her stomach.
Even though the people handling reimbursement and damage assessment were Agency personnel, it still looked terrible to be so blatantly fraudulent.
The CIA had to maintain some semblance of professionalism.
But before Ron could get comfortable on his couch for long, he heard the apartment door across the hall open. Today was takeout night, so Ron got up and headed over to the guys' place.
"General Tso's chicken for Raj, pot stickers for Penny, and a whole smoked brisket for Ron. Who ordered the lobster mac and cheese?" Delivery guy Leonard started handing out the food.
"Oh my God, look at this delicious morsel," Howard reached for it while whispering in Penny's ear, "And I'm not just talking about the food~"
"Ew, you're disgusting," Penny said, waving her chopsticks with zero expression. "Sit somewhere else."
Howard, having struck out with the girl again, slumped into his chair defeated.
Penny had barely finished speaking when the door opened again. Sheldon walked in and saw Penny sitting in his spot. "Move."
This time, Penny shifted to the side of the couch, which worked out perfectly since it put her right next to Ron.
"Need some hand sanitizer?" Before Penny could even reach for Ron's food, Sheldon handed her a bottle.
"Why would I..."
"No! Don't ask, don't ask!" Leonard and Howard shouted, but they were still too late.
"I'll tell you why. I have to sanitize constantly because the university replaced all the paper towels with those air dryers in the restrooms," Sheldon complained, oblivious to everyone else.
"Why do I feel like a dryer would be more sanitary?" Penny blurted out, and Leonard and Howard's damage control failed again.
"Air dryers are basically bacterial plague dispensers," Sheldon glared at them smugly. Nobody could stop his germaphobe lecture. "Honestly, getting sneezed on by a plague-infected baboon would be more hygienic than using those things."
Ron's brisket, halfway to his mouth, instantly lost its appeal. "Sheldon, could you please not discuss revolting topics during dinner?"
"Guys, I have amazing... uh!" The door burst open and Raj rushed in excitedly. Seeing Penny on the couch, the rest of his words got stuck in his throat: "News."
"Oh my God, Raj, you literally cannot speak to me unless you're wasted, can you?" Penny said to Raj, but her eyes were locked on Ron.
Her look clearly said: See, even this guy is mesmerized by me, so what's your deal, Ron?
Ron rolled his eyes. That's not your charm - Raj gets tongue-tied around any woman, period.
Penny struck out again and started gathering her things. "Fine, I'll go eat alone then."
"Penny, you don't have to do that," said the ever-devoted Leonard, trying to convince her to stay.
"It's okay. Between him not talking (pointing at Rajesh), him never shutting up (pointing at Sheldon), and him being a total creep (pointing at Howard), I'd rather bail."
"Goodbye, you adorable weirdos." Penny kissed Rajesh on the cheek and made her graceful exit.
"She's so perfect."
Rajesh's eyes went full hearts. Ron tapped the table impatiently. "Hey, guys, can you focus? Don't forget, our patent got approved. Soon enough, girls like Penny will be lining up to throw themselves at you."
"As future millionaires, please show some restraint, okay?"
"I won't be a millionaire," Howard shook his head glumly. "University policy states that the school takes 75% of all profits from inventions and patents developed by students or faculty."
"Hold up! If the university takes 75%, what happens to my cut?" Ron looked up from his food, eyes dangerous. "Sounds like I need to have a chat with your dean?"
"No, no, no," Howard quickly shut down that potentially hazardous idea. "The university only takes 75% of our shares. It has nothing to do with your portion."
"Good."
Ron went back to concentrating on his meal, leaving Raj standing there like a forgotten stepchild. "Hey, guys, are you forgetting something?"
"Oh right, you said you had amazing news? What's the scoop?"
"Remember that celestial body I discovered?" Raj was practically vibrating with excitement. "Because of it, People magazine nominated me as one of their '30 Under 30 Rising Stars!'"
"Raj, that's awesome!" "Congratulations!"
"Wait!" Sheldon asked suspiciously, "What exactly is this spotlight award?"
"Thirty Under Thirty Visionaries to Watch!" Raj bristled at the skepticism. "Because they're challenging conventional thinking in their fields!"
"Sounds like the magazine was having a slow news week," Ron agreed, swallowing a chunk of brisket.
"I could have never predicted that in a million years." Sheldon nodded knowingly, his disdain obvious.
"It's actually pretty cool!" Raj puffed up proudly. "They included me alongside someone studying food insecurity in rural Appalachia.
And a therapist who uses dolphin-assisted therapy for PTSD patients."
Raj tried to use the other "elites" to bolster the award's credibility, but only made things worse.
"I think this so-called therapist probably needs therapy himself," Ron said, baffled by the ridiculous research direction. "Maybe he should see a psychiatrist."
The other three scientists nodded in agreement.
"And Emma Stone! She's the star of that movie 'Superbad'!"
"Oh man, I would totally hit that." The mention of female celebrities instantly activated Howard's libido.
"If it had boobs, you'd try to nail a manatee." Ron, appalled by Howard's indiscriminate horniness, complained wearily.
"Will you mention that telescope mount I designed for you in the interview?" Howard asked hopefully.
"Sorry, that doesn't fit the inspirational narrative I want to tell," said Rajesh, finally getting his moment in the spotlight, clutching his chest dramatically. "This is the story of a poor kid from Mumbai who overcame poverty and prejudice and traveled halfway around the world to America to chase his dreams."
"Bullshit!" Ron slammed down his fork, unable to take it anymore. "Your dad clearly drives a Tesla Model S! You guys have like fifty staff members at your house!"
(End of chapter)
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