Chapter 1: The Saddest Thing in Life Is Not Even Getting Your Crap Hot
There's an old saying: If you ignore the advice of your elders, you'll suffer for it right away.
Another saying goes: The elderly are society's treasure.
And yet another: An old person in the house is a treasure in itself.
Elders often say that when someone truly extraordinary is born, extraordinary signs will accompany their birth.
That night, two meteors streaked across the sky over the Hidden Leaf Village. One fell toward the Uchiha clan's territory. The other… also fell toward the Uchiha clan's territory.
The result? Heavy casualties. The Uchiha were nearly wiped out in one blow.
A certain balding philosopher once said: Where there is death, there is life. The cycle never ends.
As expected, on the very night when the Uchiha suffered devastating losses, two new Uchiha babies were born amidst the falling stars.
Coincidentally, the two newborns were neighbors.
One was named Uchiha Obito.
The other was Uchiha Shunhi.
Uchiha Obito was a native-born resident.
Uchiha Shunhi was a transmigrator from another world.
They were born together, grew up together, started school together, and—together—ranked dead last in class.
Every proud Uchiha starts planning early on how to become a worthy ninja.
And the first step in becoming a worthy ninja? Learning how to extract your own chakra.
Shunhi was thrilled when he first began studying chakra extraction. He immediately started fantasizing about the future—kicking old man Madara into the dirt and punching Ōtsutsuki aliens out of the sky.
Then he hit his first major roadblock on the road to becoming a badass ninja:
He couldn't understand the Chakra Extraction Technique.
He recognized every word on the page, but the actual meaning? Complete gibberish.
Without understanding the technique, he couldn't extract chakra. Without chakra, he couldn't use all those flashy ninja arts.
Without becoming badass, Shunhi questioned the whole point of coming to this world in the first place.
What is the true nature of 21st-century humanity?
Pigeons, slackers, and repeaters.
Being a chronic procrastinator who loved repeating himself, Shunhi decided to slack off indefinitely—until he met that bowl-cut freak, Might Guy.
When one door closes, another opens.
So what if he had zero talent for ninjutsu? Maybe he had talent for taijutsu.
Shunhi wasted three seconds of his life saying, "I want to be friends. Let's train together."
Might Guy, teary-eyed, responded, "This… this is youth! Let us sprint down the path of youth together!"
And just like that, the two became friends. But after one morning of training, Shunhi unilaterally ended the friendship.
Clearly, he had overestimated his resolve.
Why even try to be badass?
Wouldn't it be nicer to just coast through life like a lazy fish?
So the days of being a lazy fish went by, and eventually, it was time to start at the Ninja Academy.
At the Academy, Obito and Shunhi were each given fitting nicknames.
Obito, who was always helping others and arriving late because of it, was dubbed "Uchiha Dumbass No. 2."
Shunhi, who still couldn't grasp the Chakra Extraction Technique, earned the title "Uchiha Dumbass No. 1."
While Obito spent his school days hanging out with Kakashi Hatake and Rin Nohara...
Shunhi mostly stuck with Asuma Sarutobi.
The reason he befriended Asuma—who wasn't even going to survive to the final chapter—wasn't just because he was the Third Hokage's son. It was because Asuma wasn't going to survive to the final chapter.
The moment Shunhi saw Kurenai Yuhi, he decided: "Asuma, we're friends now. No takebacks."
Time flew by at the Academy. Graduation came, and everyone went their separate ways.
Obito, "Uchiha Dumbass No. 2," was placed on a team with Kakashi and Rin under the mentorship of the Yellow Flash himself, Minato Namikaze.
As for Shunhi, he finally gave up on the unrealistic dream of becoming a ninja.
He now had only one goal: survive.
Of all the characters in Naruto, Shunhi could only think of one person who managed to live from start to finish.
"One Ichiraku-sensei, please accept me as your disciple."
"My dream is to make delicious, affordable ramen from cheap ingredients that everyone can enjoy."
In the end, Teuchi Ichiraku gave in to Shunhi's persuasive nonsense, and Shunhi became his first official disciple.
Of course, the proud Uchiha clan couldn't possibly accept one of their own taking a ramen chef as a master.
"Dad, Mom, Grandpa, Grandma, Second Grandpa, Second Grandma, Uncle, Second Uncle, Cousin No. 1, Cousin No. 2… I quit being an Uchiha!"
"But don't worry—once an Uchiha, always an Uchiha."
That day, Shunhi left the Uchiha compound, taking nothing but the clan-issued ping-pong-paddle-style robes. He moved into Ichiraku's home.
Happiness was short-lived. The Third Great Ninja War broke out soon after.
Shunhi's dad, mom, grandparents, second grandparents, uncles, cousins… they all died.
They were grouped together and wiped out by the enemy in a perfectly executed ambush. They didn't even get to use a single jutsu before being obliterated.
Upon hearing the bad news, Shunhi didn't awaken his Sharingan out of emotional shock.
Having lived two lifetimes, Shunhi's mental age was already in his thirties—a stage where emotions rarely swing wildly.
Hearing of his family's deaths, he only sighed. Then he rolled up his sleeves and got back to making ramen.
Time passed. By the end of the war, Obito and Rin had both perished.
Knowing Obito was still alive somewhere, Shunhi only lit incense for Rin before returning to his ramen duties.
Later, the Yellow Flash became the Fourth Hokage—briefly.
Then came the Nine-Tails' Night. Minato died.
Many more people died. One-third of the Hidden Leaf was in ruins.
Shunhi? Slept like a baby that night, then woke up and kept making ramen.
Then came the Uchiha Massacre. Ninety-nine percent of the Uchiha were killed. Only Itachi, Sasuke, and the perpetually ignored Shunhi survived.
"Uncle Shunhi! Two bowls of ramen, please."
Now older, Shunhi no longer lived with Ichiraku—Ichiraku had a daughter, after all. So he moved into the ramen shop itself.
The two customers were Naruto Uzumaki, proudly wearing his Leaf headband, and Iruka Umino, who wasn't.
The story had begun. Poor Mizuki was probably already in the dirt.
While serving ramen, Shunhi scolded, "How many times do I have to tell you? Call me big bro, not uncle."
As the beloved disciple of Ichiraku Ramen's master, Shunhi had a close relationship with Naruto.
"Uncle Shunhi! Look, I'm a genin now!"
Naruto beamed with pride.
Shunhi set two steaming bowls in front of Naruto and Iruka. "Even someone like you can become a genin? The Academy's gone soft."
Naruto picked up his chopsticks. "No way! Becoming a genin is just the first step. I'm gonna keep working hard, become a chunin, then a jonin, and one day, I'll be Hokage! Then everyone will acknowledge me!"
Shunhi watched him eat. "I hope I live to see that day."
Naruto mumbled through noodles, "You will! I promise!"
"Then you'd better protect me," Shunhi said. "So I can see it. That's our promise."
Naruto declared firmly, "Don't worry, Uncle Shunhi—I'll protect you and make sure you see me become Hokage!"
With a promise from one of the main characters, Shunhi figured his odds of surviving to the end just went up. Watching Naruto's determined eyes, he said, "You'll probably never become a chunin or jonin, but I do believe you'll be Hokage."
He didn't have a favorability system, but Shunhi could almost hear a ding in his ear: [Naruto Favorability +10].
"Uncle Shunhi, you're a dead-last too. You can't be Hokage without becoming a chunin or jonin first!"
…
As Naruto and Iruka left Ichiraku Ramen, Shunhi cleaned the bowls and counted the money, ready to close up for the night.
[System Initializing…]
The system's voice rang in his ears. For the first time in years, Shunhi felt a twinge of emotion—just enough to activate his one-tomoe Sharingan.
"With a system, anything is possible—even if it's a damn Ramen God System."
He stood in place and muttered to himself.
[System Initialization: 1%]
…
Hidden Leaf Village.
Ichiraku Ramen's Second Branch.
It had been years since the Fourth Great Ninja War.
[System Initialization: 100%]
[System Activated Successfully]
Hearing the voice in his ear, Shunhi smiled faintly—not excited at all. If anything, he wanted to laugh.
Casually, he ladled ramen into a bowl.
"Here's your ramen."
The customer was a chubby girl with tan skin—Chōchō Akimichi.
Shunhi set the bowl down and turned back to the kitchen, muttering to himself.
"Seriously… you wait until Boruto to activate? What's the damn point?"
"All the cool moments have already been taken by the main characters."
"Not even fast enough to catch hot crap."
[Please Name Your System]
"Grandma Knock!"
"You hear me? It's Grandma Knock!"
[System Naming Successful]
[Grandma Knock System Activated]
[Beginning Startup Rewards Distribution]
[System Plugins Loading…]
[Nuclear Release Plugin Activated]
[Host Template]
Name: Uchiha Shunhi
System Functions:
[Pay-to-Win] — The only path to power.
[Item Gacha] — 6480 ryō for 10 draws.
[Grandma Knock Chatroom] — You're not a real youth if you're not spamming the group chat.
System Plugins:
[Clone Tool Management Log]
[Nuclear Release Skill Set]
[Nuke-Chakra Conversion Lv. 1] — Join hands to convert 1 nuclear unit into 10 chakra per second.
[Nuclear Fist Lv. 1] — No-hand-sign jutsu. Infuse nuclear energy into your fist and trigger a small nuclear explosion on impact.
[Radiation Jutsu Lv. 1] — Touch the ground to radiate an area with nuclear energy.
[Nuclear Infusion Lv. 1] — Passive. Provides 100 nuclear units, regenerates 1 per 10 seconds.
[Nuclear Immunity] — Passive. Immune to nuclear effects.
"…Screw it. Let's do a ten-pull."