"Why the fuck does her coochie look like expired beef mince?!"
Thunder roared like God himself was farting on the sky.
Rain smashed the town like it owed money.
The whole place was blacked out.
Inside a crappy two-storey apartment, Alex sat like a king on his squeaky chair, VR headset strapped on, mouth drooling like a broken faucet.
His right arm was Moving faster than a construction drill on cocaine.
Yes. He was battling his one and only lifelong rival.
Not his neighbor. Not his school bully.
The one-eyed goblin between his legs. His partner, his curse, his "little brother."
"Fifteen dollars and this shit looks like leftovers from Taco Bell?!"
He yelled at the virtual screen.
The room was a battlefield. Socks everywhere, fallen soldiers of last night's campaign. Lotion bottle rolling across the desk like an empty grenade. The ceiling was Shiny. Suspiciously shiny. Too shiny.
Then—SLAM!
The door exploded open. His mom stood there. She froze. Her eyes went wide. Her soul left her body.
The scene before her was Pure apocalypse. Tissues like snowdrifts. Walls splattered like a crime scene. Even the floor was sticky enough to trap dinosaurs.
Drip.
A fat white drop slid off the ceiling and landed right in front of her nose.
She looked at it. She realized instantly. Her bloodline was officially over.
And then she screamed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Alex ripped the headset off like he was escaping from the Matrix.
His face was pale, his eyes looked like he hadn't slept since dinosaurs, and the only muscle on his whole body was his right arm, pulsing like it had been training for the Olympics.
Between his legs… his poor meat stick. It was black, shriveled, and looked like a cursed relic from a dungeon crawl. Any second now it might just drop off like a rotten fruit.
"Mom, wait! It's not what it looks like!" he croaked, voice cracking like a dying anime protagonist.
But she was already running. Sprinting like the devil was after her.
"Mom! Please! I can explain! This is training! For my future harem!"
Alex tried to chase, but his foot landed on the sticky battlefield. Slip!
He went down.
BAM! His skull smacked against the desk.
CRACK!
His eyes rolled back, his vision filled with the glorious shine of his… suspicious ceiling.
Then darkness.
Alex, the virgin warrior, had fallen.
He was dead.
.
.
.
[A/N]
Readers, please leave your brains at the door. This is not the place for thinking. Just read. Just laugh. Just fap.