The morning air was crisp, calm, and almost too peaceful for the Ishigawa Academy — a dangerous sign if there ever was one.
Akuma stood by the third-floor window of the main building, a cup of tea in hand, savoring the brief illusion of tranquility. The sunlight shimmered on the racing track below, and for a moment, he allowed himself to think — perhaps today would be quiet.
Then, he saw it.
Down on the track, a massive white tarp covered something big. Something bulky. Something breathing, maybe. And around it, like a pack of excited schoolchildren, were all his Umas — Tachyon front and center, eyes gleaming with a scientist's dangerous pride.
"…What do you think it is?" Akuma muttered, his tone somewhere between weary and resigned.
Adalbert, who had been leaning by the window with a cup of coffee of his own, didn't even glance down. "She's your Uma, mein freund. If you cannot guess, how ever could I?" he said with that usual infuriatingly calm smile.
Akuma exhaled through his nose, narrowing his eyes. "You're enjoying this."
Adalbert sipped his coffee. "Immensely."
Akuma turned his attention back to the field. From this height, he couldn't hear what they were saying, but he didn't need to — Tachyon's grin was enough of a warning label. Special Week and McQueen both looked thrilled, like kids waiting for a fireworks show. Machan's eyes sparkled like a kid on Christmas morning. Daiwa Scarlet's excitement was tempered with visible nervousness, while Vodka leaned forward like a child watching a monster movie.
Only Oguri Cap and Gold Ship looked unbothered — one because she was eating, the other because she was Gold Ship.
"…Where's Rice Shower?" Akuma asked quietly.
"She was following me," Adalbert answered, setting his coffee down. "Perhaps she went to fetch something… holy water, perhaps."
Before Akuma could reply, Tachyon's voice echoed across the track — faint but unmistakably manic in tone.
And then, the tarp came off.
Akuma squinted. "…Oh no."
What stood in the center of the field looked like a treadmill if someone had built it out of mecha parts, rocket engines, and pure hubris. It was easily the size of a car, with metallic arms, harnesses, and what appeared to be a rotating cannon mounted on one side.
Adalbert tilted his head. "…That looks… highly unsafe."
Rice Shower appeared beside him, clutching her notepad. "…That looks dangerous, Onii-sama."
"Indeed," he replied solemnly.
Akuma sighed, setting down his tea. "That's my cue."
By the time he reached the track, all hell had already begun to brew.
"Are you sure this will help us, Tachyon-san?" McQueen asked nervously, staring at the machine like it might sprout legs and chase her.
Tachyon beamed, hands on hips, lab coat fluttering dramatically in the breeze. "Don't worry, McQueen! This is my Speed and Endurance Maximization and Fat Reduction System! It'll revolutionize our training!"
"Think of it!" Tachyon continued, ignoring him completely. "In just one session, this will double our speed training output and optimize power conditioning! A flawless combination of biomechanics and motivational stimuli!"
"…Stimuli?" Machan asked, intrigued.
"Motivational," Tachyon repeated proudly.
The Umas exchanged nervous looks.
Gold Ship yawned, leaning on a pole. "I give it five minutes before someone explodes."
Oguri Cap nodded serenely, munching on a rice cracker. "Three."
Tachyon turned, her smile radiant and terrifying. "Now then! Who wants to try it out first?"
Immediately, a sea of hands shot up. "ME!" came the collective shout.
Before any of them could take a step forward, however, a voice cut through the air like a whip.
"Absolutely not."
The group froze as Akuma appeared behind them, his coat fluttering as he stalked toward Tachyon like a man approaching a bomb.
"Tachyon," he said flatly, stopping inches from her. "What did I tell you about building machines that you should run through me first?"
Tachyon blinked innocently. "To not do it without supervision?"
"Exactly."
"…Ah, but this was supervised!" she said brightly. "By McQueen and Special Week!"
Both girls froze as Akuma's gaze shifted toward them.
He arched a brow. "…Is that true?"
McQueen fidgeted, trying to hide behind her hair. "W-well, we may have suggested it, b-but it was all in the name of progress, Akuma!"
Special Week nodded quickly. "Y-yeah! We thought it'd help everyone get faster!"
"Uh-huh." Akuma pinched the bridge of his nose. "…And I suppose no one thought to tell me because—?"
Tachyon interjected with a smug grin. "Because a maiden's secrets must be kept, Akuma."
The entire group collectively deadpanned.
"…You just told him the secret," Vodka muttered.
Akuma exhaled slowly, rubbing his temples. "You know what? Fine. Show me if it's safe."
He gave the machine a testing smack with his hand — a mistake.
Because the instant his palm connected with the metal, the treadmill whirred to life.
Metallic arms unfolded like a spider's legs, snapping into motion and grabbing Akuma by the waist.
"What the—!?"
Before anyone could react, the machine yeeted him onto the treadmill.
The moment his shoes hit the belt, it activated.
"W-Wait, stop—!"
It didn't.
The treadmill surged forward, the speed dial rising rapidly. Akuma was forced into a full sprint as the Umas gasped in awe.
"It's working!" Tachyon cried, scribbling notes furiously. "Look at the pace synchronization!"
"Tachyon! Turn it off!" Akuma barked, trying to keep up as the machine threw up wind behind him.
"Oh, that's just the warm-up!" she yelled back cheerfully. "Engaging motivational protocol Alpha!"
A small mechanical arm descended from the top of the machine — holding a candy carrot on a string.
It dangled in front of Akuma's face mockingly.
He glared. "You're kidding me."
Then it smacked him in the forehead.
From behind, McQueen covered her mouth. "Oh dear—"
The carrot retracted, then swung again — harder this time.
"Stop hitting me with food!" Akuma shouted, ducking under it.
"Ah, it seems to be reading your anger levels as fat retention resistance!" Tachyon exclaimed, flipping switches. "Engaging shock therapy mode!"
"Wait what—"
Electric arcs crackled across the machine.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH—!"
The Umas winced as sparks flew.
Machan leaned towards Tachyon. "…Is he going to be alright?"
Tachyon folded her arms, a wide grin on her face. "I have absolutely no idea!" Her words cutting through the air causing everyone to stare at her in disbelief.
After several minutes of chaos — candy carrots, static shocks, automated cheers yelling "RUN FASTER!" — the machine finally powered down.
Akuma collapsed in a heap on the ground, steam practically rising from him. His hair was frazzled, his clothes singed, and his soul visibly departed.
Tachyon, of course, looked delighted.
"Success!" she declared proudly, holding up her clipboard. "It works perfectly!"
Akuma raised a trembling hand, his voice hoarse. "…You… are banned… from your lab…"
She didn't hear him.
He was still trying to catch his breath when he muttered weakly, "Well… at least it can't get worse—"
"Boss."
A shadow loomed over him.
Akuma blinked, squinting upward — and froze.
Towering above him was Mischa.
Ten feet tall.
Built like a bear on steroids.
"…I'm hungry," Mischa rumbled, voice deeper than usual.
Everyone stared.
Tachyon gasped. "Ah! My Power Serum didn't fail after all!"
Akuma's face drained of color. "…You… what did you do?"
"I merely slipped it into his coffee yesterday to test metabolic adaptation!" Tachyon said cheerfully. "And look! It worked perfectly!"
Mischa flexed experimentally. His shirt buttons shot off like bullets.
"Not again…" Adalbert sighed, ducking just in time as one nearly took his hat off.
McQueen squealed, dodging. "Tachyon-san!"
"Fascinating!" Tachyon scribbled notes faster. "His muscle growth rate is off the charts—wait, no, his hunger levels are exponentially—"
"—BOSS, I NEED FOOD!" Mischa roared suddenly, turning toward the cafeteria.
"DON'T YOU DARE—!" Akuma shouted, but it was too late.
The ground shook as Mischa took off running, each step thundering like a small earthquake. Umas screamed and scattered as he disappeared into the distance, leaving behind a cloud of dust and a very broken treadmill.
Silence.
Then, Gold Ship's voice. "So… same time tomorrow?"
Akuma's body went limp. "I'm done. I'm done with all of you."
He passed out on the spot.
Tachyon blinked, jotting something down. "Hmm. Note: Subject exhibits signs of stress-induced coma. Further testing required."
Adalbert patted Akuma's shoulder gently. "Mein freund… you are truly a hero among men."
McQueen sighed, shaking her head. "Someone get the med kit again…"
Special Week raised her hand sheepishly. "Should we also… bring snacks for Mischa-san?"
"Bring a truck," Vodka muttered, rubbing her temple.
"Da," Mischa's distant voice boomed from the cafeteria. "All of it."
Akuma, twitching faintly on the ground, managed a final mutter. "…I'm… cutting… her funding…"