This cold, gloomy autumn, I had waited so long for the warm, bright sun to return. But when I saw it again, I realized the sun was no longer just a celestial body — it was here, in this building. Instead of remaining a distant star in the sky, my sun took on a very earthly form: those short, wax-styled blond hairs shimmering like gold under the cafeteria lights. At first glance, his hair looked slightly messy, as if no more than half an hour had passed since he got out of bed, yet even in this seemingly chaotic arrangement, every strand was exactly where it was meant to be. I noticed his bright blue eyes, like the open sky, scanning the room in search of familiar faces. Almost instantly, the rhythm of his footsteps resumed. Despite the crisp classic suit, his walk remained as free and confident as always.
In my life, I had seen many people in suits: teachers, bankers, my mother's colleagues, and countless others whose faces faded from my memory, but none looked as... refined and harmonious in clothing as he did — clothes that seemed made more for formal meetings or high society events than dull, everyday life.
I sank smoothly onto the bench, trying to find some support, while my legs felt like lead, refusing to obey me. Each slow step brought him closer to our table where Lia and I sat. My heart pounded so fast I thought it might burst free from my chest at any moment. I struggled to keep a calm expression, so I simply cast my eyes to the floor, frowning as I studied the marble tiles' seams and patterns as if I were one of the craftsmen who laid them.
Not a minute passed before his fingertips casually traced the edge of our table, and though I refused to look up, that fleeting touch did not go unnoticed, betraying me with a faint blush on my cheeks. It was foolish to hope he would join us. In fact, even a tiny chance of him sitting next to me set off a panic attack. As expected, he simply walked past, leaving behind a barely noticeable trail of woody perfume in the air — and a swirl of conflicting feelings inside me: a mix of relief and mild disappointment. Our table was nothing more than a small obstacle on his way to his usual seat.
I exhaled, regaining control of my body, then leaned back on the bench, meeting Lia's calm gaze. She ate casually, gathering strength for the rest of the school day. She looked peaceful, almost serene — a complete opposite of how I felt inside, as if a real tsunami had erupted within me, destroying everything in its path.
When the sound of footsteps finally faded somewhere behind me, I allowed myself to look back — just for a brief moment — and in that moment, I made a big mistake. I hoped to see his back, but instead our eyes met. No. That shouldn't have happened. I thought he would turn away indifferently, but it seemed he had other thoughts. His searching blue eyes slid down my face and, noticing the pink flush on my cheeks, he gave me a bright, charming smile and... winked? Did I really see that? Or did something get in his eye? Maybe the bright lamp above his head blinded him just as our eyes locked. I refused to believe what I saw. It was easier to invent some ridiculous excuse than to entertain the hope of something more — something that would remain forever unreachable in the deepest corners of my heart. He was always... so close, yet so far at the same time. When I walked just steps away from him down the school corridor, it seemed I only had to reach out to touch the fabric of his jacket, but I would never dare do anything like that. A huge chasm separated us; I wasn't blind or naive enough to ignore that fact.
"Pull yourself together, Aurora! God, you're pathetic," my own voice rang inside my head, urging me to get it together. But despite my reason's arguments, I just blushed even more and bashfully looked away, covering my face with my hand.
"Ha... Just kill me now."
I muttered indistinctly, shaking my head and sighing heavily, replaying the scene in my mind again and again. More than anything, I wanted to disappear, to vanish into thin air like an illusionist or like the traces of his cologne.
"Why don't you just go up to him and say... 'Hi'? You live so close to each other! You could... well, I don't know... Offer to help mow the lawn or maybe water the plants. I think he's a good guy and wouldn't push you away if you took that step!"
Lia said, interrupting my unplanned emotional turmoil. I focused on the sound of her crunching yet another carrot stick — and as ridiculous as it seemed, diverting my attention helped me shake off that state. She was so loud, I wondered if she did it on purpose or if she was just so absorbed in her thoughts that she didn't even notice the noise she made.
"How do you imagine that would go, Lia? First, I'd have to dress like a gardener, then show up at his family's place with a lawnmower in hand and simply offer my services? The only response I'd get from such a stunt would be the butler's condescending smile and, if I'm lucky, a crumpled bill in my pocket as a bribe for the 'poor' girl who needs work."
I replied, raising an eyebrow before delivering a sarcastic, joyless smile as I pictured the scene. Lia found it hard to understand me; she had never seen their property or their home, for her it was just an abstract "rich folks' house" across the street from where I live. But my situation was different. Often, on my way to school, I unwittingly witnessed what went on where Kai lived: the expensive, luxurious cars leaving their driveway and the chaos caused by the people working for his family. An untrimmed lawn, plants not watered — I could picture that anywhere else, but never there. I knew what Lia meant by offering help as a pretext, a chance to close the distance between us. But I... just can't do it. Not now. Do I even have the right when all I want when I look in the mirror is to smash it to pieces? To run away, turn off the light — anything but look.
Maybe someday, when I get myself together again; lose a few pounds, buy the right clothes, and learn how to do makeup properly — I'll have at least some chance to talk to him, maybe at a random party or perhaps my graduation ball? I don't know when or if it will happen, but when I see him, I can easily imagine an angelic beauty standing by his side, someone just as attractive as he is. And I simply cannot picture myself next to him.