What do you truly desire? What do you want? Why are you enduring? Why are you not dead? Let go, kid… let go. Everything is going to be fine. Don't try to fight. Accept. Embrace this. It's you… it's you… it's you…"
The voice was soft but heavy, like a whisper pressing against my ears. I turned my head and saw her.
An old woman in black robes. Her face was hidden, only the pale line of her mouth showing as she repeated those words.
My body refused to move. My legs felt like stone. Panic rose inside me. I tried to stand, but nothing happened. My knees collapsed under me, and I fell onto the cold ground.
I didn't look back. I couldn't. Instead, I dragged myself forward, crawling with my palms scraping against rough earth. Every breath came sharp, as if the air itself was against me.
But when I finally dared to turn around, there was no floor anymore. Just a pit. Dark. Endless.
And then I fell.
"Aaaaghhh—!"
I jerked awake, my whole body trembling. My heart pounded as if it would break my ribs. For a moment, I couldn't tell if I was still falling or if I had returned to the world.
"Kenji—! What happened? Are you fine?"
Emi's voice cut through the darkness. She rushed toward me, her steps uneven. The lamplight flickered, so I could barely see her face clearly. Her outline trembled, her shoulders shaking.
"Yes… I'm fine," I muttered, though my voice cracked. "Just a bad dream."
I took off my jacket and handed it to her. "Here. Take this."
She shook her head quickly. "No, no… it's fine."
But the cold was biting, and I could see her shiver again. After a moment of hesitation, she reached out and took the jacket, pulling it around her tightly.
She looked at me, her lips pressed together. Then she whispered, almost too softly to hear:
"Kenji… I don't know if this is true or not. Maybe I'm hallucinating because of the light. But… I think… your eyes are glowing a little."
"Really?" I asked, forcing a small smile.
I closed my eyes, letting the darkness settle in them, wondering what she saw—and what it meant.
What is this?
Why am I not feeling cold… even after giving my jacket to Emi?
The rain outside was still beating against the walls, the night pressing in heavy, yet my skin didn't shiver. My body felt strange—too calm, too still.
I turned my eyes toward Emi. She sat curled in the corner, arms wrapped tightly around herself. Even with my jacket on, she was trembling. The small light of the lamp made her face look pale.
I hesitated for a moment, then stood up.
Without a word, I pulled off my shirt. The damp fabric slid against my skin. Then my pants.
"Kenji—what… what are you doing?" Emi's voice shook, half from the cold, half from surprise.
I didn't answer her right away. Instead, I reached into my bag and pulled out a matchbox. A few worn matches rattled inside. My hands moved on their own, calm and steady, as if I had done this many times before.
I gathered some cardboard scraps from the store corner, placed them carefully, and struck a match. The flame flared, bright for an instant, before catching on the cardboard. A small fire grew between us, shadows flickering against the walls.
"You don't have to do that," Emi whispered, hugging herself tighter.
"It's fine," I said quietly. In my mind, though, I was unsettled. Why wasn't I feeling anything? No cold. No heat. Almost naked, sitting here with only my underwear, and still my body stayed the same. Numb.
The firelight painted Emi's eyes gold. She looked at me carefully, her gaze lingering. Then, softly, she asked:
"Kenji… what are those scars on your body?"
I glanced down. Thin white lines, faint but visible, ran across my arms and shoulders. I had almost forgotten they were there.
"Scars?" I gave a small laugh. "Oh… yeah. Just from some MMA practice back at the gym. Nothing serious."
Her head tilted slightly. "Do you… work out often? Your body… it's very lean."
She spoke hesitantly, as if the words had slipped out without her meaning to.
"Yeah. I do," I answered simply.
The fire crackled between us. I sat on the table near her corner, the light dancing over my bare skin. Emi stayed pressed against the wall, watching the flames but glancing at me now and then.
The room was quiet except for the rain, the fire, and the strange stillness inside me.
"Kenji… come here. Sit with me. You'll get cold."
Her voice was soft, almost pleading.
"It's fine," I replied without much thought.
But she shook her head quickly. "No, no… I insist. Because of me, you'll get cold. If that happens… I'll feel sad later."
For a moment, I just stared at her. She looked so fragile, hugging her knees with my jacket barely covering her shoulders. The lamp's dim glow traced the outline of her face.
I let out a quiet breath, then stood up and walked over. Slowly, I lowered myself beside her.
The fire crackled faintly in front of us. Outside, the storm had not lessened. The sound of rain and wind pressed against the walls like a restless sea.
I leaned back against the cold wall, but again… I felt nothing. My body was calm. My mind, however, was far from it.
That dream still lingered in my head.
"What do you want?" the old woman's voice echoed. "Why are you enduring? Why not let go?"
The questions tangled inside me. What do I want? Why am I still here?
I turned my head slightly. Emi was beside me, sitting close. Her face… it was red.