Have you ever gotten into a situation where you just blank out from circumstances?
Where you just completely freeze, as the absolute absurdity of your present unfolds before you?
Yeah, me neither. Well... until now. And honestly, I don't think it gets any more absurd than a drop-dead gorgeous African woman dressed like a Greek goddess informing you of your death.
Not that I mind the view though...
But... here I am. And... in front of a drop-dead gorgeous African lady with double D's, attempting to explain my death.
Too bad she indirectly caused it. Not exactly the best start to a relationship...
"So... let me get this straight," I say. "You were bored managing your part of the omni... verse—whatever the fuck that is—and decided to come to Earth..."
The goddess chick flinches. "I—I wasn't bored. I just... Yeah. You're right."
"Uh-huh. Well, horny, bored, same shit. So after getting here, you decided to party. And I happened to be throwing one at that time, 'cause I'm awesome. Naturally, you were attracted to me, 'cause... who isn't? Only things better looking than me are myself and I. Therefore, some of the blame falls on me for attracting a literal goddess."
The goddess snorts. "Looks are the only thing you had. Besides an abundance of narcissism and an ego big enough to revolve the sun."
I shake my head dramatically and ask, "So... is that the reason you drained my entire life force when riding me like a horse in a derby?"
The goddess flinches even harder this time. "I-I didn't mean to! I'm really sorry, okay? That's why you're here—so I can... correct it. I literally have to. You somehow absorbed a fraction of omniversal divinity during... that."
"Hmmm? That? Oh! You mean during our sex session? Ya know, the one where you were squealing my name for threehours? Before literally sucking the soul out of my body?"
The goddess—Dionna—grimaces. "Must you be so vulgar? No! Don't answer that. It was rhetorical. Just... shut up! Please!" She huffs, clearly overwhelmed.
"Anyways, as I was saying, you absorbed omniversal divinity, which should be impossible, but you appear to be a distant descendant of a Divine. Which allowed your entire existence to rewrite itself. You would now be considered a Semi-Divine low-tier Omniversal entity. Which is called an Origin Deity. Your very existence alongside ours would have destabilized your home dimension. So... umm..."
"So... what? Spit it out!" I say fiercely. The only reason I can still seem unaffected is simple.
I don't even remotely understand anything she said. I was just busy checking out her huge ass again. She paused, so I had to say something so she wouldn't catch on. Smart, right? Who says a middle school dropout can't be smart?
"—killed you..." Dionna squeaks out in a timid voice.
"Huh?" I ask.
"She said... I. Killed.You. You're too young for hearing problems, kid. Although I don't think that's the reason for your absent-mindedness now, is it?" a familiar playful new voice says. Making my eyes widen.
Wait... what? Isn't that Ryan Reynolds's voice? I wonder, turning to see.
In the ethereal white space behind me is a bald and horribly disfigured man in a classic red and black skin-tight suit, with two swords on his back. He's holding a dog so ugly that even Quasimodo would shudder.
"DEADPOOL!?!" I shout in shock.
"No, no! You got it wrong! I'm Ryan Reynolds!" he says, shaking his head solemnly.
"O-oh. My bad..."
"Ha! Look at this kid! He actually thought I was that bum Ryan Reynolds? Pfft! Haha! I'm just yanking your chain. Figuratively."
"Umm... right." I say, at a loss for words.
Wait. Figuratively? Even as a god this nigga still fruitier than Toucan Sam in June. The fuck?
"Of course! Who do you think gave Toucan Sam the fruity to go with his loops? Me. Duh! He's so silly, isn't he Dogpool? Oh, yes! Oh, yes he is! God, what a cute dog..."
Riiiight. Cute.
Wait. I almost forgot his hobby of casually breaking the fourth wall... Wait! Did he see me checking out Dionna? Fuck!
I turn and see Deadpool/Ryan Reynolds playfully raising his eyebrows while nodding with a grin.
"Oh, definitely kid. But I can't blame you. If you only you knew what I'd give to see her on a gangbang video on The Hub with eight huge black guys."
"Enough chatter!" Dionna cuts in, glaring at Deadpool/Ryan Reynolds. "Diante, this is the... creature... in charge of your sector of the Omniverse. He killed you to stabilize the dimension because at that point, he, me, and you were all Divinity and Semi-Divinity," she finishes, not even remotelyhiding her disgust for Deadpool.
"Hey! That wasn't nice at all!" Deadpool says, adjusting his toupee that appeared out of nowhere and straightening a shiny gold badge that says Dimension E8B65M 412th Giga Chad Contest Runner-Up.
Dionna sighs, looking very tired all of a sudden. "Diante. You need to choose a form. Due to your Semi-Divinity, your soul is immortal. You will be reincarnated into a world that can handle your power, but any information relevant to said world will be expunged from your mind. The world is an Alternate Universe variation of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It will be your Divine domain, which is a single multiverse that only the selected Divine, you, can enter. Choose a form and visage to act as a vessel for your power."
"Wait, the MCU? Cool! Let me see..." I think for a minute. "Well, for visage, let me be a 6-foot-5 copy of Michael B. Jordan. Ladies always love him. Priorities, ya know? For form... My boy Shane once told me that Clark Kent wasn't even the strongest Superman. Give me the Kryptonian race and full powers and potential of... what's his name? Umm... Oh, yeah! Superboy Prime. With no weaknesses. Also, give me ten times the speed of sunlight absorption."
Dionna nods. "Doable. You have a bit of Divinity left. What else do you want?"
"Really? I have leftovers? I thought Superboy Prime was OP," I say with surprise.
Maybe I should choose a different form? Maybe—
"Pffft, what a noob! What part of Omniversal Divinity sounds comparable in any way to a Kryptonian? Kids these days. That's why school's important," Deadpool quips while shaking his head, cutting off my thoughts.
Right. Because becoming a Divine, whatever that entails, is taught as an eighth-grade subject. Think, glaring at him. But he does have a point...
"Two of them, actually!" he says, grinning caressing his katanas in a way that made a straight man such as myself highly uncomfortable.
"Ummm... how about eternal youth?" I ask, ignoring the highly unwelcome, and quite frankly, disgusting display being performed by Deadfool. I mean Deadpool.
"Good one!" He says grinning. Making me want to punch his already deformed face.
"Done," Dionna says ignoring him entirely, before utterly bitch-slapping me. "Goodbye!"
As my vision rapidly fades, I can't help but have the most logical thought yet.
It's kinda crazy that all this time, the deity people have actually been praying to... is Deadpool. If I hadn't died then, we all would've soon...
Then my eyes close, and unconsciousness takes over.
BOOOOOOOM!!!
BOOOOOOOOM!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!
"—uick! Tiana-El! We must send him now! Thanos is almost here!" a deep but smooth man's voice yells, sounding velvety and pleasant, like an RnB singer.
He's tall, built like a gym rat. His dark brown skin glistens with sweat, and he wears a metallic, elegant-looking suit of armor.
His taper fade blends perfectly with his well-groomed beard, giving him the look of a male model in his late twenties.
His hand clutches his gut over his armor, which leaks blood. His brown eyes hold a look of resolve... and a hint of sadness.
"I know, I KNOW! But he won't ever truly know us. Hear how much we love him. Comfort him when he's sad. I won't get to hear his first words. Or hear him say I love you..." A soft, feminine voice says, despair and grief evident in her tone.
I can't see her, but I somehow instinctively know.
She's my mother.
Sometimes you just know, you know?
"Maybe not." The man replied, soft and reassuring, but determined nonetheless.
"But maybe he'll realize it by this sacrifice. That we love him. Von-El. Our beloved son. We love you..."
As a roof closes over my head, it momentarily plunges me into absolute darkness.
Suddenly, warm lights snap on, illuminating the inside of what looks like a seriously futuristic chamber.
Then, I feel a slight rumble before a slightly feminine robotic voice says, "Initiating deep sleep protocol."
Just what in the hell is happening?
I think, before inevitably succumbing to the sweet lull of unconsciousness.