Noelle sat on the edge of her bed, staring into the blank space. Outside, the evening sky had turned a deep indigo, the city lights beginning to sparkle faintly against the dark. Her thoughts, however, were far from the comfort of home. Han's face kept appearing unbidden, his dark eyes, mischievous grin, and the way he had once looked at her with effortless ease replaying like a loop she could not escape.
She sighed softly, brushing a strand of hair from her face. It was difficult to admit, even to herself, how much she missed him. Months had passed, and yet the ache in her chest felt stubbornly fresh.
Noelle's chest tightened, but not in the familiar ache of jealousy. Instead, a small, flickering curiosity sparked in her mind. She recalled what Fiona had shared earlier about Jessica and surprised that Fiona was indignant for Han.
She whispered to herself, almost absentmindedly, "I wonder… what would Han do?"
The thought was both frightening and thrilling. Part of her feared the answer, imagining Han learning of Jessica's actions and the quiet turbulence it might cause. Yet another part of her felt a faint flicker of hope: a tiny, fragile spark that maybe, just maybe, he would notice things differently now. Maybe he would reconsider, if only for a fleeting moment, what… or who… he truly wanted.
Her heart still thumped unevenly, tangled between longing and cautious anticipation. She knew it was dangerous to hope too much, yet the idea that Han's choices might shift, that the distance might narrow, made her pulse quicken in a way she had not felt for months.
Even as she allowed herself to imagine the possibility of Han noticing her again, a quiet realization settled over her. She had spent weeks, maybe months, measuring everyone she met against him, setting a standard so impossibly high that no one could ever reach it. Every smile, every laugh, every gesture from someone else whether small or grand, was filtered through the memory of Han, the way he made her feel, the way he had always held her attention without trying.
It made her cheeks heat slightly with the awareness of how unfair she had been. She could see it clearly now: her heart had been tethered to someone who was, for all intents and purposes, unreachable. And because of that, she had dismissed or overlooked gestures of care from others, moments of tenderness that could have mattered, simply because they didn't carry the spark or the weight of Han.
Noelle let out a soft, rueful laugh, the sound almost lost in the quiet of her room. "I've been ridiculous," she whispered to herself, not entirely bitter, not entirely ashamed, just… aware. It was a strange mixture of longing and clarity, and she wasn't sure which emotion should dominate.
And yet, even with this knowledge, Han's shadow remained. The standard she had set, the memory she could not erase, lingered like a quiet hum in her chest. She could feel it in the way she noticed a laugh that reminded her of his or a glance that carried a fleeting resemblance to the way he had once looked at her. It was unfair, yes, but it was real and it made the idea of moving forward, of seeing someone else for who they truly were, both terrifying and tantalizing.
She pressed her hand over her heart, letting herself breathe through the ache and the hope. She knew that eventually, she would have to untangle her feelings, to see the people in her life for what they were, rather than the reflection of someone else. But for tonight, she let the tension sit quietly, savouring the flicker of possibility that Han's absence had, paradoxically, left her with.
That Saturday, Noelle slouched onto the sofa in Mei Ling's apartment, kicking off her sneakers and letting out a long, exasperated sigh. "I don't get it," she muttered, tossing her bag onto the floor. "Why do I even care so much? He's in Perth, probably doing his own thing, and here I am, stuck thinking about him every day."
Mei Ling raised an eyebrow, stirring her tea slowly. "You mean Han?"
Noelle nodded, a wry twist at the corner of her lips. "Yes, Han. It's ridiculous. I know I should be over it. I try to go out, keep busy, meet people, but… I can't stop measuring everyone against him. Every guy, every smile, every conversation. I find myself thinking, 'would Han do this?' or 'would he even notice me this way?'"
Mei Ling frowned slightly, leaning back against the couch. "Sounds exhausting. You're setting the bar impossibly high. No one can live up to that, you know."
"I know, I know!" Noelle groaned, running a hand through her hair. "But I can't help it. He's… he's Han. And it's not just about him being perfect or whatever. It's like…" she paused, searching for the words, "he left this mark on me. And I don't even know if he thinks about me at all."
Mei Ling sipped her tea, eyes narrowing slightly. "And you've been single this whole time, letting yourself stew in it?"
Noelle shrugged, cheeks flushing. "It's not like I haven't tried to distract myself. I've gone out with friends, thrown myself into projects, even laughed at stupid things with people…but no one sticks. Not the way he… did, or the way I remember him. It's like I'm waiting for something impossible."
There was a pause as Mei Ling studied her friend. "Maybe… you're too busy thinking about him to even notice the people who actually care about you," she said quietly, a faint tinge of jealousy hidden behind her calm voice. "You have no idea how much some people, like Ethan, are practically making goo-goo eyes at you. But you just keep measuring everyone against the impossible standard in your mind."
Noelle rolled her eyes, trying to sound dismissive. "He did not! You're overthinking all that."
Mei Ling gave a faint, knowing smile. "Say whatever you need to convince yourself otherwise but I'm sure about Ethan."
Noelle sank back into the cushions, staring at the ceiling. She wanted to be angry at herself for lingering, for holding onto a memory but it was harder than she expected. Han's shadow was long, stretching over her thoughts in quiet, persistent ways, yet she still clung to a flicker of hope. Questions whispered in her mind she wasn't ready to answer: what would he do if he knew? And would it even matter now?
Noelle sank back into the cushions, letting out a long sigh. The warmth of Mei Ling's apartment was comforting but her thoughts kept drifting, flickering between Han and the impossibility of what might have been. She shook her head, trying to push the memories aside.
Finally, she sat up, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear and pulled her books and notes closer. This was why she had come to Mei Ling's place in the first place: to focus, to prepare for the exams that loomed ahead. The quiet scratch of her pen on paper and the rustle of pages became her anchor, a way to steady her mind against the storm of longing.
Noelle reminded herself that her future depended on her effort, not on someone else's presence or absence. Her heart had stubbornly wished that things between Jessica and Han would eventually work towards her advantage but she felt guilty for thinking so. A series of what-ifs but she set it aside for now, letting the rhythm of study pull her fully into the present. For this evening, at least, she was determined to focus on herself, to reclaim control of her thoughts and to meet the challenges ahead with focus and determination.