Author's Note:
...A word before you read. This installment is a complete gag chapter, so please empty your head and don't think too hard about anything. I wrote it purely on impulse and momentum, so even I as the author haven't thought about any of it. Seriously. ...I think I was probably just tired. Also, fair warning: there's a full-on crossover character showing up. Enjoy.
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...Why...
...Why did it have to turn out like this?
This wasn't how it was supposed to go.
This wasn't what was intended.
But it was too late to take it back.
He...
He was... already...
"...Ngh... I'm sorry, Zoro...!"
Three stars.
Rewinding several hours from Sue's anguished, blood-coughing wail...
"What's the deal with Sue, is she running late? Or... did she get lost? She said we were training here today, and yet... Geez."
Following the usual pattern, Zoro had arrived at a location completely different from the one Sue had designated as the training site. Not just a different location, but an entirely different Sky Island.
Through rigorous training, Zoro had gained the ability to run through the air without any specialized equipment.
However, as a direct consequence, his "range of movement," which was to say his "potential range for getting lost," had expanded to an astronomical degree. Needless to say.
Since he could now handle aerial combat as well, this was undeniably growth, but the situation was one Sue and the others couldn't exactly celebrate. All they could do was sigh.
For the record, Sue had properly accounted for the possibility of Zoro getting lost and had taken out insurance by telling him to "come together with Perona." Zoro, however, got lost at the stage of going to fetch Perona, and after thinking something along the lines of "What the hell, she's nowhere to be found... Guess I'll just go alone," had ended up in his current predicament. What could anyone possibly do about this?
So Zoro was lost again today, same as always, but this day would become, in a certain sense, a day that changed his fate.
He was lost and in the wrong place, so normally no "training" whatsoever should have begun. If nothing happened after long enough, he would have either headed back the way he came, contacted Sue, or taken some kind of corrective action. Whether he would have actually made it back was another question entirely.
"Hm? Is someone over there? Doesn't look like Sue and the others, though."
By pure coincidence, on this particular day, there was "someone" else besides Zoro present.
...No. Perhaps "something" would be the more appropriate word.
For Zoro, it was someone he didn't recognize.
But that in itself wasn't particularly strange. Lately, various people, both familiar and unfamiliar, had been coming to serve as his sparring partners.
Enel, who they'd fought on the Sky Island, and his four Priests.
People Sue and Shiki had recruited and newly brought under the Golden Lion Pirates' umbrella, specifically those who could be trusted to keep secrets. Bonney, former members of BW, and others.
Iris and Snow, whom Zoro was meeting for the first time since he didn't know about the Neo Marines incident. And the Homies that Iris had created.
On top of that, over the past few months, Big Boss Shiki himself and his veteran subordinates had visited on occasion, so Zoro felt little resistance or strangeness about training with someone he'd never met.
However, the one Zoro encountered that day was not a "training partner" arranged by Sue and the others, but rather...
"Hey, are you today's..." He trailed off. "...Huh?"
He'd been approaching to ask "Are you today's sparring partner?" but upon seeing the full form of this "someone," Zoro was struck speechless.
He had no choice but to be speechless.
After all, what was there was...
Three stars.
At that same moment, on a completely different Sky Island.
More specifically, the Sky Island where Sue and Zoro were supposed to be training today.
"...So he's reached the level where he can't even make it to his guide anymore."
"S-sorry... I should have put out a Mini-Hologram or something earlier to keep watch. When he's in good form, he can make it to my room on his own just fine, but..."
"...If ye only heard the words, it'd sound like a report about a wee child failing an errand."
"Wait, what, Zoro got lost again?"
"Nah, that's not your fault, Perona. ...It's Zoro's fault for evolving his sense of direction into increasingly interdimensional levels of hopelessness, along with evolving his inability to even recognize it."
Just as Sue and the Three Girls were thinking that since he'd apparently wandered off to another Sky Island entirely, today's training might have to be called off...
"Mom! Moooom!"
A voice like a scream accompanied Iris as she swooped down from the sky. She appeared to have flown in riding one of her Homies.
Her expression was one of terrible distress, something close to panic. If anything, the agitation was on par with, or even greater than, what they'd seen during the Grand Reboot incident.
That alone told Sue and the others this was no ordinary matter, and they immediately shifted to listen.
"What's wrong, Iris? Did some kind of trouble come up?"
"The thing is, um... I'm sorry! It's my... it's my fault!"
Iris's report began, right from the very first words and before anyone had even heard the details, with an apology.
"If I'd been watching properly... No, if I just hadn't done that in the first place... If I hadn't created something like that... Why, why did it turn out like this...!?"
"Calm down, Iris! What happened? Explain it properly. There's no rush, take your time... okay?"
"Yeah, yeah. I'm here too, and so is Mom, and we'll listen properly. If you're in trouble, we'll help. Right?"
Iris was so flustered it seemed like she might hyperventilate. Sue stepped in to soothe her, joined by Alice, who filled the role of "father." Together they encouraged her to continue.
Thanks to their efforts, Iris gradually regained her composure. Once the trembling in her shoulders subsided, she took a deep breath to steady herself and began again.
...Though the apologetic look on her face stayed exactly the same.
"...One of the Homies I created... went out of control. The moment it was born, it started rampaging and ran away. I tried to catch it, but even with Snow and me working together, we couldn't stop it..."
"A Homie went out of control? Defying its Creator, Iris, no less... Can that even happen?"
"It's very rare, but it's not impossible. Homies fundamentally can't disobey their Creator, but if one has an extremely strong will... it can rebel. That said, I basically never order mine around or force them into submission. I've become friends with every single Homie I've made, without exception, so I've never experienced anything like that..."
"But this time, the Homie you made was different?"
"Yeah. ...That said, I don't think it's a bad one... It's just that its personality is so overwhelmingly willful, so incomprehensibly off-the-wall, that I just can't handle it at all..."
"...So it doesn't have a vicious nature, then. That's good, but... how to put it, a rather peculiar... Irregular Homie was born, wasn't it."
"Ah, yeah, but I get it. There are animals like that sometimes too. Not a bad kid, but totally bonkers in all sorts of ways. You can be friends, but it won't listen to a thing you say."
"Sounds like quite the wild one... So it ignored what you said and took off somewhere?"
"Yeah. It had transformed into something that could fly, so it rocketed away at incredible speed... Ifijar and Okkyu and everyone else tried to block its path, but they all got sent flying..."
"That's... quite something you made, Iris... Were Snow and Ifijar and the others okay?"
"They're fine. They got dizzy and passed out, but injuries... that's the thing, there were eerily no injuries at all. With the force of that impact, it wouldn't have been strange if they'd broken a bone or two, and yet... It was like something out of one of those gag stories you write sometimes, Mom."
"...Hmm... That's a pretty unique situation... Anyway, what did you put a Soul into to make that Homie? Did you turn something really weird into a Homie?"
"...It wasn't anything weird, exactly. It was just on a whim, and... I have no idea why it turned out so haywire in the first place. So, what I put the Soul into was..."
"...a torpedo..."
Three stars.
"Gah... hah...!?"
Meanwhile, on the Sky Island where Zoro was.
'Impossible... My attacks aren't getting through at all... All three swords, infused with Haki... and yet it's not working in the slightest...!?'
A wall too high.
A road too distant.
An enemy too strong.
This was a sensation close to despair, the likes of which Zoro hadn't felt since the time he'd challenged Mihawk in East Blue, back when he didn't even know what Haki was, and suffered a devastating defeat.
Even when he'd been fighting Sue in Noko's Sleep-Sleep Fruit dream, the feeling hadn't been this overwhelming.
'What the hell... is this thing...!?'
The being before him was imposing an unreasonable, absurd gap in power.
Against this existence that defied all comprehension, Zoro found himself letting slip a question in his mind that would never receive an answer.
'What the hell... what is this thing...!?'
"On your feet, boy. You'll never make it to the red carpet at Cannes at this rate."
'...I'm not trying to, and I don't even know what that is. Seriously, WHAT IS this thing...!?'
A torpedo with arms and legs.
There was simply no other way to describe the being standing before Zoro.
Wide-set eyes, outrageously bold lipstick, or maybe those were just its natural lips, giving it an unmistakably striking appearance. A mysterious creature. Well, whether it even qualified as a creature was debatable, but since they were at least communicating, Zoro tentatively classified it as one.
Beyond that, he understood absolutely nothing. Comprehension eluded him entirely.
After the encounter, they'd exchanged a conversation that didn't quite connect, and then it had turned into a fight.
At that point, Zoro had still been thinking casually, 'I guess this must be today's sparring partner,' but...
"Tch... Not done yet!"
He wrapped all three swords in Haki, braced his legs, and kicked off the ground in a ferocious charge.
"Three-Sword Style... Ultimate Tiger Hunt!!"
He swung all three blades simultaneously at the torpedo, which was examining its foot and muttering "Oh dear, a blister" while leaving itself wide open.
CLANG!!
"...What... the...!?"
The torpedo,
lying on its side in a glamorous pose with one leg raised, caught all three swords between the big toe and second toe of that foot, pinching them in place.
"My, what a restless boy. Are you that desperate for Big Sister's attention? For this Torpedo Girl's attention?"
Torpedo Girl showed not the slightest sign of feeling threatened by the technique Zoro had poured everything into. She casually released her toes and freed the three swords.
"If you'd just said so, Big Sister would have played with you. Attacking without a word like that... Big Sister doesn't mind the wild type, but sometimes you have to put things into words or they won't get across, you know? You wouldn't want people thinking 'What a weirdo,' would you?"
At this moment, Zoro felt like a chikuwa fish cake had just told him, "I don't like hollow people."
"But listen, boy, if you want to play, save it for later and go home for today, won't you? I'm about to start my latest craze, spot-reduction yoga."
"Heh... I'll pass on that... You think I'm gonna let it end with me on the losing side...! If you really want to kick me out, then throw me out by force... Just like you caught my swords earlier...!"
And then, the moment Zoro said something a little clever without particularly meaning to,
the torpedo's eyes, which until then had maintained a composed "What a bother..." demeanor reminiscent of a mature older woman, snapped wide open.
In that instant,
ignition.
"TOO MUCH FOOLING AROUND!!"
"GUWAAAARGH!?"
As if remembering its fundamental purpose as a torpedo, Torpedo Girl charged at devastating speed and sent Zoro flying. He sailed through the Sky Island's sky.
He fell in a spiraling rotation, the damage so severe he couldn't break his fall, and lay there unable to move.
Torpedo Girl landed beside the downed Zoro in a Sachiko pose, and:
"I permit no foolishness of any kind... because I am a torpedo!"
The creature whose very existence was foolishness delivered this enigmatic catchphrase with perfect aplomb.
"To think you'd provoke me that much just to challenge me. That's some nerve, boy! I like it. I'll acknowledge you. But fair warning, the training will be harsh... If you can keep up, then when we're done, I'll raise you into a fine torpedo you can present anywhere with pride!"
"Huh? A torpe... No, I'm not... And wait, so you are a training partn... Well, I guess if that's the case then sure, whatev BWUGH!?"
"Don't let your guard down! Get your stance ready! Enemies and post-meal blood sugar levels wait for no one!"
"W-wait... I'm telling you, there's a misunderst..."
"STOP YOUR YAPPING AND LISTEN WHEN SOMEONE'S TALKING TO YOU!!"
"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO LISTEN, GWAAARGH!?!?"
That day.
On a certain Sky Island, the screams of a certain swordsman, their vector somewhat different from the usual, echoed far and wide.
Three stars.
Ring ring ring... Ring ring ring...
Click!
"Oh, thank goodness, it finally connected... Hello, Zoro!?"
"Hm? Oh, what is it, Sue? What's got you in such a rush?"
"Well, um, I got a report that you were getting tangled up with some weird torpedo and sent flying, so I called just in case... Uh, are you okay?"
"Yeah, what, you were worried about me? That's nice of you. Well, yeah... I got told some stuff I didn't really understand, and I was confused at first, but looking back on it, it was good training."
'Oh, good. He actually sounds more or less fine.'
"R-really? Sorry about that. There's an element of our oversight when it comes to that thing... I mean, I was worried about what might have happened to you."
"Hey now, who do you think trained me and who do you think I've been sparring with? I appreciate the concern, but you're making too big a deal of it. Relax, there's absolutely no problem..."
"...because I am a torpe..."
Click!
Beep... beep... beep...
"M-Mom!? Y-your face looks like, like a Noh mask... W-wait, did something happen to Zoro...?"
"...Nothing... happened...!"
To be continued...