Okay, time to turn this excerpt into a CYOA version of Pedameo, full of uncyclopedic black humor:
Scene: "The Castle of Shitty Jobs"
What exactly is a janitorial/gardening/snow-sweeping job perfect for? Oh, yes: weird people with no friends, family, or dignity. Basically, a werewolf with an irregular social security number. Even if you have a high Rage, no one will care—they'll just think you're another functional psychopath with a lawnmower.
The problem: the job requires strength and speed. And note: it's not just mindless manual labor. Working with sensitive equipment, shoveling snow without breaking the building's generator… it requires finesse. And finesse doesn't come standard at Pedameo.
How do you find this job? Online, of course. You go to the library. Forbes Library: a 19th-century Gothic-Romanesque building that looks more like a Transylvanian castle than a library. Tree-lined path, falling snow, a "poor man's Hogwarts" vibe. Inside, it's spacious, quiet, and cold enough to remind you you don't have a decent coat.
You grab a reader card, take a quick tour of the place, find the computers, turn one on, and voila: digital scavenger hunt.
Most jobs require a driver's license (which you don't have because the DMV doesn't recognize werewolves). But a run-down nursing home on the bus route answers your email immediately. That should be a sign of desperation.
Arriving there, Gorsky Manor looks like a set from a cheap horror movie: a crumbling Victorian mansion with a haunted house vibe and the smell of mold mixed with prescription drugs. The sign could easily read: "Welcome to the place where hope comes to die."
The assistant director, who seems to have lost his soul in a bet, explains:
You just need to pass a drug test (good luck, depending on what you smelled on your last scavenger hunt).
Never be alone with a client (obviously, no one wants another lawsuit).
There are no fixed hours: just finish the job and that's it.
The pay is almost insulting. Like: the equivalent of a McDonald's meal per hour.
You look around and realize: it's physical, heavy, probably dishonest, and has the energy of a place that vanishes people without a trace. But... it pays the bills.
You take the guy's card and pretend you'll call later. Like when someone asks, "Let's set a date."
Your options now:
I want to pretend to be normal: I try barista or restaurant, smiling fake until Rage explodes.
I want to smell like book dust: I look for a job in a library or bookstore, because that's the kind of intellectual suffering I deserve.
I'm a living weapon: I look for a job in security, because nothing says "professional" like turning Rage into minimum wage.
I want to use my mind (laughs): I'll take the job at Epicycle Bikes and become the cyclist wizard's apprentice.
I want to dig my own grave with dignity: I'll become the caretaker/gardener at Gorsky Manor, where hope will die and I'll follow suit.
Do you want me to continue this Pedameo CYOA in this tone (uncyclopedia + choice of direction), as if it were the "official gamebook of the failed werewolf"?