-You are a girl. Learn to be womanly, not this manly. --
You are a girl. Learn to be womanly, not this manly. -
-You are too much. Tone down. -
-A woman is meant to keep her head down, not try to outsmart everyone. -
-Learn your place, Maya. You are a woman. -
-You dream too big for a woman, Maya. We women are meant to get married and serve our husband. -
-You can't find a man who will want you if you climb too high. -
-"You say what you lack? Let me tell you, Nova. You are too desperate to outshine everyone in the room, and it makes me feel like filth next to you. You are an arrogant and self-centered bitch." -
All these past comments from years ago make my head ring, my body tremble in pure rage, and years of suppressed grief of being seen as too much.
The first ones came from my very own mother and father.
The next ones came from the man whom I dared to love and want.
The cold rooftop breeze does no help to cool down the lava inside me that finally bursts.
Aaron looks at me like he is trying to measure me. I know what he means, and he doesn't mean to say that I am too much; he is saying, Watch and learn, lash when the time is right.
He is right. I have none to back me up. If I do outshine my team, I will be exposed to more threats I cannot face alone.
Yet, I can't do this.
My heart beats fast, in fire and defiance, to prove all barriers futile, to everyone who says I am too much, wrong.
"It doesn't matter," I grit my teeth hard. I don't try to hide behind the polite courtesy a junior should follow; I have already shown him the real me.
So not exposing myself isn't even a concern.
I inhale sharply, "I don't give a fuck if I become the enemy of my entire floor."
My voice bears a kind of certainty which I always knew I had inside me but never dared to say out loud.
I don't want to be likeable.
I don't want to be the pleasant girl.
I don't want to be a sweet pretty thing.
Aaron's shoulder stiffens; he wasn't expecting me to say that despite understanding the meaning of his warning.
"Are you even listening to yourself?" His eyes widen in disbelief and anger. Why? Why does he care if I get burned while trying to shine?
My chest rises and falls fast and loud,
Thump thump thump
"I am done with trying to be someone I am not."
Thump thump thump
"I am done with trying to be likeable because people find me overwhelming."
Thump thump thump
"I don't care if I am the youngest or the weakest in the room."
Thump thump thump
"I am not a good girl, I am not an obedient one, I am not the kind who sweet talks, and I am done trying to be one."
Thump thump thump
"IF I WANT IT, I WILL GET IT! AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO OR WHAT IS STANDING BEFORE ME!"
My voice finally breaks free, echoing freely on the open rooftop, my heart beats against my chest, too loud, too reckless.
"I AM NOT GOING TO TONE DOWN TO PLAY SAFE. IF I DESERVE IT, I WILL SNATCH IT, AND NOT A SINGLE HUMAN CAN STOP ME!"
My body shakes, my hands tremble from the sole adrenaline of finally being able to say it out loud.
Aaron's lips part to say something, but he doesn't say anything.
Not that I care anymore.
Sorry, Mila. You said I should be likeable. No... I don't want to be likeable.
I just want to stop playing small and being told what I can't be.
Aaron's eyes give away a strange glint I have never seen in someone's eyes before while looking at me.
My nails digging into my bare flesh, I taste metal in my mouth from biting my inner cheek too hard, my eyes sting from the anger tears I didn't shed.
"You..." His voice comes out calmly, yet it lacks any kind of mockery. "You hate being told what to do."
"Yes, I hate it! I fucking despise it, and..." I inhale sharply, my lips wobbling, not from weakness, no, not from that. Just the sole pressure heaving my chest for decades now.
"I know I am young, I am not naive to how this world works when you are young and powerless but ambitious!" I run my fingers through my hair, biting my lower lip hard to stop it from wobbling.
Damn it!
I have never felt this exposed before anyone.
Not even before my friends, not even before my own damned family and ex-lover.
"But I just can't go around licking boots anymore," I shake my head, I point my index finger at him, my tear nearly falling. "I have worked way too fucking much to be here, Aaron! And I won't let anyone," I feel goosebumps all over my body, "I won't let anyone take away what I deserve!"
Other than my ragged breathing and loud heartbeat, distant hum of the city behind us, rippling of water in the pool—everything between us is silent.
Aaron's eyes remain on mine. Cold, distant, calculating, scanning for any hint of doubt or something that might break me.
His eyebrow relaxes, his lips thin in a faint smile as he steps closer.
His hand rises; I still my index finger pointed at him.
He brushes off a tear that fell from my left eye with his thumb and steps back without doing much.
I freeze from his unexpected action. His hands rest behind his back, he dips his head a bit, "I am sorry."
My breath hitches. I look at him with wide, shocked eyes, trying to find if he is mocking me or trying to manipulate me.
I find nothing.
His face relaxes, his arctic blue eyes stare into mine with quiet certainty and acknowledgment, which makes my eyes blurry again...
Damn it!
"I misunderstood you, Nova. You... don't need me to hide behind precautions and masks to fit in."
I feel goosebumps all over my body. His voice is low, deep, and full of unshakeable belief I never heard in anyone's voice, at least not directed toward me.
"Why?" That left barely above a whisper, because I cannot believe someone... someone can believe in me, apologize for misjudging me...
"I have been in this line of work longer than you can imagine," his lips curl up in an arrogant smirk of a man who has been playing this game of cards far longer than me.
For instance, the way his eyes glint with cruelty and pure pride makes my heart shudder, blood run cold.
My hand slowly drops from the air, unable to point at the man who suddenly looks bigger than life itself.
I have always been good at reading people's expressions and body language.
And his body language... I have seen it only in the Chairman of my previous workplace, the man who basically runs the UK's economy with nothing but his name and signature.
He steps closer, enough distance of seven inches between us, yet I feel his body heat through his shirt neatly tucked inside his trousers.
"I thought you were an overconfident and arrogant little thing,"
I close my eyes in annoyance... Little Thing... like, bro, you don't look like you are even that much older than me...
But I press my lips tight, keeping our intense eye contact which probably bears more heat than any eye contact I had during sex.
"But I was wrong," he smiles lazily, tilting his head down till his eye level matches mine. I blink, my eyebrow creasing in confusion.
"You aren't arrogant or some self-delusional little thing,"
I grit my teeth tight. This fucking "little thing" again.
His smile grows even wider, his corners of his eyes crinkling with genuine interest and... even worse... madness...
I instinctively want to step back. I know... fuck... I know this damned expression...
This is the same expression my mentor had when he first finished having a debate with me over the reason why rich people stay rich and poor people stay poor...
The smile and eyes scream madness of finding someone worthy of taking under wings and constructing them till they're so sharp...
No. No. No. No.
THIS WAS NOT WHAT I WAS AFTER!!!
I panic, because I know what happens when mad geniuses take interest in someone! GOD! HE IS GOING TO MAKE ME WORK LIKE A DONKEY AND DICTATE ME LIKE A FUCKING TYRANT.
"Welcome to Laurent&Cie, Nova Celestia."
Chills make my spine straighten instantly...
Hahaha...
This...
Fuck is going to be intense....
And then... he says something that's all I ever wanted to hear....
" You are not too much. You don't need to apologise for ...," he pauses, his eyes soften, my own heart shakes from emotions I don't even know I have inside me....
" Sometimes.... It's okay to be too much. World is a shitty place either way...."