Chapter 6 - My War And Theirs
— Iris —
Two nights have exacted their cold since I last felt the warmth of my sheets, or tasted something that tasted like anything other than nothing at all. The endless walk has left my feet the gift of painful blisters, and the soles feel weak and aching. Also, though I furthermore wish I could claim that I've not burdened my saviours further, that would be a lie…
The first night, exhaustion quickly wilted my will and assumed control over my eyes. I slept on the back of a stranger, and by the time I woke my face was already being caressed by the gentle rays of a warm sun. I noticed then my companions' faces; so tired and weary, their steps lazy and weakened.
We found a pleasant clearing by a half-frozen lake, and my saviours were rewarded their well-earned rest.
…During camp, many things took place that I found enlightening…I conversed with the girl named Liline, and I must say that I quite like her. She is a pleasant girl with beautiful red hair and flawless skin that made me conscious of my own various imperfections. And although her personality is truthfully of little interest, she does have a warm heart, and I would like to be friends with her someday.
I've also found myself struggling often to find words, I doubt myself constantly, and though I know I should allow myself to trust these folk, some deep part of me clearly doesn't share that sentiment—which makes it awfully difficult.
However, I do believe it's slowly getting easier…
During that aforementioned chat of mine, my dearly helpful giant prepared a meal for us all, and the verbose nuisance made fun of me as I struggled with the taste. But honestly, I didn't really mind all that much, in fact I felt it was a gesture of goodwill, inclusion-wise.
Now I hadn't seen the cooking myself, but seeing the crackling flames beneath a makeshift grill, I became curious. I had read many times of creating fire in the wild by various means, but the concept seemed mystical and foreign, so I had to ask.
Initially I found myself approaching Hermes over the matter; who directed my eyes towards the pretentious one, who I should say was awfully tall himself—around 190-centimeters or so.
That boy stood up with a proud smirk on his face, and raised his fist into the air, lifting his index finger above the rest of its kind.
I watched pensively, finding it odd of course. However, I'd soon find myself elevated, curiosity-wise, and excitement-wise.
At first nothing happened, but then as I already found myself quite disinterested, I began to see something marvelous…On the tip of his finger, a translucent ethereal white had begun taking form; pushing through his skin and gathering into a swirling mass, it quickly enhanced in visibility—then burst into a bright flame.
…The awe I felt then as the child within me rejoiced. How many times had I read of this wondrous thing; the dew of life's most sacred and the seed of divinity—magic.
I could not contain myself as I stuttered my questions, and my inhibitions floated far with the wind.
How? By what means had this lowborn boy acquired what many a noble gave half their life just for it to elude their grasp? Furthermore, he was not only a mage, which in itself would have already been the stuff of dreams. He was a stinking maverick…
At any rate, the boy told me with clear annoyance that it was not him the discoverer of such arts, but that he was taught by a person awakened through tunes of his own, whistle-wise.
He had learned from none other than the boy I'd met in the castle—Damien…
Now, I had read of such occurrences taking place in the past, spontaneous awakenings that is. But I also knew that it is a terribly rare thing, and always, accompanied by vicious trauma—indubitably.
You see when you have nothing but your thoughts, you have nowhere to hide.
Furthermore, for a child to face their inner demons alone—it was such a cruel thought…I must say that it took everything I had, to avoid the emergence of tears. I felt I knew what it was like to be alone, with nothing to hold onto but your personal darkness, sucked dry of life's essence by a swirling void.
And I could not help but wonder—how many thousands of hours had he spent within that involuntary meditation—what price did he pay?
I thought I knew…
Truthfully, I had been afraid of him, I had seen him take lives with the nonchalance of eating a meal, I had been pierced by the vitriolic cruelty of his words and the coldness of his soul. But now I saw with clarity—and I understood…
That boy lived in a small world, a world where only three things had shape or form—and I was looking at those things.
…Even now, a whole day later. The thought of his pain makes me shudder, and I feel the heavy guilt of my false judgement…
However, even with all that said, I find these few days have been the happiest I've been in years. And perhaps it's foolish of me to feel so hopeful and glad—but I don't care…I just know that I feel so grateful, and Aeons witness, so full of life; traces of that I thought lost—a child's optimistic lust for life—fills me with zest.
…At this very moment, I am crouched against a tree enjoying a stunning sunrise. Just moments prior, we had been walking as we generally would during the periods of late-evenings and nights.
In all honesty, I'm quite tired by now, but my hunger does have that beat need-wise; and I honestly can't wait for that tasteless slop I'm about to be chomping on in due time. Which is honestly quite funny in an ironic way, but I suppose when you're hungry, anything kind of goes.
Adel was currently in the midst of fixing up some weak shelters that might have kept you slightly warmer during sleep, but probably not, and regardless the difference it made was marginal at best. Though incidentally, seeing that depressed sky, it might come of use if not against air then perhaps a different element—hopefully I won't have to find out though, fingers crossed.
Now Adel was naturally not the only one busting their ass. Everyone had their own tasks…Except for me that is.
Though the reason for my shameful relaxation is not a lack of work, in fact there is plenty of it. And I do feel quite embarrassed about it. But truthfully, it's just so painful, walking-wise. Frankly my feet are grilled, which is a hindrance for our pace to say the least. Truthfully, I'm practically limping out there like some helpless little lady—which I'm not by the way! But that dumbass seems to think so, ordering me to rest and sit down on the sidelines like some misbehaving child.
Yeah yeah, I get it…If my feet get any worse than this, blah blah…You know as much as I do feel sorry for him, I really can't stand Damien sometimes. I mean the boy is a total jerk! How do people even get the nerve to act like this?
I mean seriously, does he have any idea how humiliating it is; to sit here while everyone else sweats for my benefit?! Stinking sour-faced dumbass; and besides, where does he get the nerve to order me around like some lowly servant anyway?!
But regardless, I should try and keep my anger within. I mean it's such a stupid thing to get mad about in the first place, but I can't exactly shut down my pride just because I know it's there. It doesn't work that way. Though that is not to say that at the very least I cannot internalize these issues, so that others won't be bothered at the behest of my flaws.
However, some small solace was to be discovered in the imaginary realm, where I imprecated him with an angry middle-finger, and a content sigh escaped my lips in reality…
…An hour passed, Damien had headed off into the forest sometime prior, looking for all sorts of edible stuff. He did this before as well, and that time he ended up finding a few ugly dirt-flavoured mushrooms and a handful of pine needles too; which I must admit gave me a bit of culture-shock, I mean how could I have ever guessed that people eat trees? It made no sense. But regardless, maybe this time he'll chase down a rabbit or something, who knows?
¨He's not always like that you know.¨ I heard Liline say as she sat down next to me, and as usual, I was lost in my thoughts.
¨Uuh, who? What?¨ I blurted out like some blabbering idiot without thinking, caught off-guard. This is what I get for complacency—stinking boredom.
¨Damien! I noticed you pouting Iris, giving him the occasional evil-eye,¨ she clarified. And there we go, now I'm embarrassed out of my mind…Great.
¨Right, no…Haah, was it that obvious? It's just that I feel so bored and ungrateful with nothing to do. But regardless, I know it's not his fault. It's honestly silly to be angry—that I know.¨
¨Not at all, and I know that feeling. I believe you should be angry, Iris, he really doesn't need to be such a jerk. But truthfully it's just how he's like when he's stressed. He's kind of like our leader you see, and when he takes things so seriously, the rest of us can breathe.¨
¨Right…No I mean, I get it, totally. He's just doing what he thinks is right, efficiency-wise and safety-wise¨ I paused with a sigh, wondering if I should pry into their past; ¨I was wondering, and I apologize if this is out of line, but how did you guys all…You know—find each other.¨
She crashed down lazily and sighed dreamily; ¨For me, I've looked up to Damien for a long time you know, even if he doesn't know it. You see, he was only six years old when he lost his mother. All alone at so young, can you imagine the hardships he must have faced? And that naturally drove him to do some unsavory things, whereas those things often led him to trouble. Or so I assume anyhow, he doesn't talk much about his past you see…Anyhow, there was one time specifically, I must have been eight or nine at the time, running an errand for my mother. And I remember as I was heading home from the markets, I stumbled onto this alleyway between two pleasant houses, and it was there I saw him. A small child, beaten and bruised, languished and drenched in blood. He stared at me, and he must have been at the brink of death—but his eyes—defiant as they come.¨ Liline giggled before continuing with her story.
¨Anyways—he looked at me so bitterly you know…I could not help it, I had to give him something. My parents had a bookstore you see, but sadly not many people bought books those days, so we were actually quite poor. But even so, I stood there with a full-stomach, and scared out of my mind on a day to day basis—he was dying but looked unshakeable—a shameful comparison, don't you think? But anyhow, I approached him, and as I reached into my bag and pulled out a small piece of fish; he flinched and closed his eyes…My heart sank you know, but I managed to give him that food, and I remember that he looked so confused as I did; before sinking his teeth in and devouring it all in seconds like some starving dog.¨ The girl sighed; ¨I came through the next day you know, hoping I could save him, food stolen from the kitchen held tightly in my little hands…But, he was gone by then, only a finger lay where he had been.¨
Aeons' wrath…I know I should say something, but frankly I am at a loss for words…A resilient one as I knew he was; most would have doubtless given up—living-wise that is.
Hearing our conversation no doubt, the truculent pest asserted his own experience; ¨I'll refrain from pleonastic rambling and save you from a long-winded story. My mother and father—somewhere within southern warmth they feast on crab and wine. Truthfully, I knew they were leaving, which according to them included me too. Except when the promised day came, they sent me away, and after dumping the burdensome cargo—they left. And yes, naturally I could have followed and caught up, furthermore it is not unfathomable that I would have discovered accommodation within their pity. I chose not to try though, after all, they abandoned me, and that was that.¨
¨Think if you had left though; you would have never known the pleasures of my tasty food!¨ Hermes exclaimed proudly from nearby, carrying a plethora of dry branches in his hands.
¨Ooh, you mean the blasted filth that tastes like dirt and chews like rubber?¨
¨Shush now child, I know you love my cooking,¨ the giant laughed.
¨What about you Hermes?¨ I asked curiously.
¨Me? I had a loving family actually. My father was once the overseer of the mines, we had a lot of money, and we ate well! But that all changed when some rotten thugs blackmailed him, saying he had debts. They said he whored and gambled, but that was a lie! He said he never did!¨ Hermes proclaimed with sad anger, his infallible enthusiasm had disappeared, and I could see his eyes being covered by a wet coating.
Liline and Adel looked bothered. I felt they did not share his faith, but they consoled him nonetheless; and yes, even Adel—surprisingly.
I inquired further: learning that Hermes had been ten as he joined Damien, Adel twelve, and Liline fourteen…I was curious, and I know I shouldn't have asked, but I could not help it.
¨What happened to Damien's mother, and what about his father?¨
The group seemed hesitant and uncomfortable with my question, I felt I'd get no answers…That is until he announced his presence.
¨Sorry about that, I might have done some eavesdropping.¨ I heard Damien's voice say, and looked around to see him walking towards us with a whole load of mushrooms in his hands. Though these were not just any mushrooms mind you, those were terchan mushrooms; a rare golden delicacy that even I only rarely had the pleasure of sampling. But I suppose it made sense for treasures to appear, we had moved quite a bit south after all, and therefore the climate was also more favourable for that particular species.
¨Anyways, about my mother huh?..Hmm, what can I say? She was kind, she got sick, and she died. As for my father, I didn't know him, and frankly I don't care. That's all there is to it.¨
It was obvious that was not all, that much I could read off the faces of everyone present. Honestly I felt if I asked he would clarify; but in spite of my stinking curiosity, I wasn't about to pry. He can keep his secrets if he feels my worthiness insufficient—that reticent runt.
…Later as my eyes were attempting to abort, and as I was chowing down on delicious mushrooms and stinking fish…: ¨Fine, I'll tell you the rest of it…My mother was a prostitute, then she got the rotting plague, and obviously had to stop working…You know by the end of it she smelled of rancid dead flesh, and was held up by skin that was reddish-black or pale as a ghost, as well as the fragile bones within of course. Regardless, she held on desperately, only eating the bare minimum and teaching me whatever she could, smiling all the way to the end. Now, normally it takes half a year with that particular pestilence, but she persisted for almost two…But yeah, anyway, I hate remembering her like that, which is why I didn't tell you earlier.¨
Damien had kept rubbing his fingers together in an interlocking motion, all throughout the story. I felt his face remained in the absence of any discernible emotions though, whereas his voice was blunt and monotone, his eyes a blank frozen stare—I just nodded.
But regardless, I was tired with an expanded stomach; which naturally meant there was only one thing left to do; and that was sleep—sweet, beautiful sleep.
So, I chose one of the five shelters, - which in all honesty were all just slanted roofs made from a singular layer of pine branches, - and crawled within, laying with my back against the cold hard soil.
Even though I was exhausted beyond reason; I figured it might take a moment for my mind to fade, after all; it had been a busy day; and I had learned so much that I had yet to even come close to processing it all.
I was embarrassed to be honest. And I know it's silly, but I had always thought that I was one of the most miserable creatures there ever had been. In the heights of my delusion, I had even considered the possibility that I was the single most.
Honestly, I'm such an idiot.
I did also wonder, was it wrong that my burden suddenly felt lightened? Was it wrong that I felt better now that I knew—knew for certain there were others, others that had suffered too?..
I do not know…
…The pseudo-rhythmic chaos of raindrops trickling overhead, the air become cold, and a soft elegant hand gently shaking my arm…A new day had arrived, and I could smell a breakfast broiling some distance away.
Though now that I think of it, I suppose it wasn't exactly a new day; that is when considering the gentle birdsong lullaby that had serenaded my tired succumb. Nor was it exactly breakfast either—more like dinner.
Finding myself slowly crawling from within my surprisingly and evidently efficient shelter; I followed Liline towards the circle that had formed around a fire, feeling my stomach's gentle quakes…Except, to my horror, I soon realized they were not quite as gentle as I had initially thought, but quite the opposite in fact.
Feeling dreadful, I turned to the only person I could, and pulled Liline aside…All I felt were two things; one was horror, but also, I felt so terribly embarrassed—so much so that during our conversation, half my words reached Liline in parts stuttered.
But I digress; how could that not have been the case? After all, the notion of conducting such businesses in nature; it was simply and utterly barbaric, I could barely wrap my head around it…
Even my solving of the lesser of those two problems had been a deeply stressful endeavour…But now, now dammit! Blasted fate, why are you so cruel?!
However, that was not even the worst of it all…She handed me leaves. Leaves?! What the hell was I supposed to do with this? Was this how the peasantry lived? And were these the utilities worthy of princesses these days?..
…One thing's for certain, I have been naive—misguided and naive, terribly indeed.