Chapter 9 -
— Iris —
— Writings II —
For whom do we live but for ourselves? Who suffers when those we love do but we most of all, and what makes love the greatest power there is but its rejection of our inherent selfishness. I wondered, but alas I know no love, I doubt it exists for people like I. For people with hearts like mine; or the soul if there is such a thing; then mine is an empty plain, a soul in isolation.
I spill with anger and apathy, blinded by sorrow, transcending the limits of my understanding. My heart weeps for mysterious reasons; nature heals me, the birds share their cleansing songs, the sun burns away my grief; is this love? Is it peace? Or merely a moment of respite? A sham sanctuary?
And then is true love a constant bubble? Surrounding you, shielding you, forever and ever? Unlike the trees and grass that insist on their presence. Does love push you through the gates of hell with a smile on your face? Even if it's not there to hold your hand, does it stay by your side through the darkest of nights? Like an abstract companion or a warm soft pillow, a soul's solace; is that what it is?
— At Camp —
The beauty of nature can ascend words and leave you baffled sometimes; so much so that sometimes I wonder if it isn't all just a dream after all, and whether I'll wake up back at the castle after all, back in my chains. But you know there's this river, surrounded by smooth pale rocks all begging to be climbed and jumped around on, I see it then I climb the biggest one in my mind; I picture myself hopping from there to the nearest one, repeating the process again and again, until the child within has had its fill.
The waters on that river though; oh, the beautiful waters! How can such romantic beauty even exist? I can hardly fathom it. In sunlight it was stunning. But now, now it is like something out of a fairytale. Glowing blue under the light of the moons, and not just some dull sort of blue mind you, but a divine sapphire-like blue, a clear crystalline gleam, an ethereal mist above the surface.
Just staring at that river from afar is an adventure in itself. However if you stand at the edge, and look down, you will see these huge blue crystals at the bottom—thousands of them, millions, stretching as far as the eye can see, as far as the imagination takes you and then some…Bluemoon River, that is what they call it.
Apparently it floats from this point all the way to the Central Sea; a winding miracle over a thousand kilometers long. Furthermore they say these waters are the purest in the world, that the crystals clean it and absorb its salt; I also heard they're magical, and that drinking this water will make you younger and healthier…I've read about it see, it is one of the wonders of our world; but for this miracle the writer had only reserved a single page out of two hundred; to think there are hundreds more places like this, places that reinvigorate the mind and grant peace no matter the state of one's spirit; certainly I wish to see them all someday.
However, currently I am met with an uncomfortable dilemma; a certain situation I'd rather not face. And truthfully I wouldn't, not in a million years; not if she hadn't asked me so tenderly, lied to me so blatantly. And incidentally, what a horrible liar she is! I have to admit I struggled holding my laughter listening to that crap.
But all the more reason isn't it? All the more reason to try and heal these terrible burns from our skin and start anew.
And there he was now. Sitting on a rock, elbows on his knees and his head laid against his palms; staring into the river sadly it seems. Was he sad for the boy from earlier or something else, I wonder.
And I wonder, does he hate me? Probably right…I wonder how he sees me in detail, and I wonder if there's any truth to his irk…Honestly, I still don't really understand why I dislike him in the first place, not completely anyway; but I think I have a few clues. I think it's because he treated me like cattle, and that's the truth; I think it's because I blamed him for my pain, and that's on me; but mostly, I think it's because I'm jealous. Jealous of the care he shows for his friends, whereas I for him must only be a grain of sand, like any other of its kind, scattered by the millions around the beach. But I don't want to feel like that anymore, I don't want to feel insignificant like before. And maybe that's why he angers me; because he reminds me of my past…
I climbed up and walked beside him, he didn't even glance at me; but regardless I sat down at the edge around a half a meter to his left; ¨is this rock taken?¨ I asked, noticing his pupils jump to the corner of his eye and towards me for a second, then quickly boring into the depths below once more.
A sigh escaped my lips, which wasn't supposed to happen, but what could I do; and I sure as hell was not backing out now, even if he wasn't being the most helpful companion conversation-wise, or otherwise for that matter.
¨What's wrong? You seem down.¨ I asked. — ¨Did someone put you up to this?¨ — ¨Uhh, yeah. I thought maybe they talked to you too?..Liline, earlier today, lifting you to levels equaling the sun; it was kind of funny actually.¨ — ¨Sounds like Adel. A lot of stuff happened so I'm guessing he forgot; it happens I suppose, even for a meticulous bastard like him.¨
Damien sighed; ¨anyway, I wanted to talk to you regardless. At least sort of, I mean I'm doubtful I would have, but I guess I felt sort of guilty about treating you so harshly; to tell you the truth I didn't realize I was doing it, honestly, and it took me a while to see it; but by then I figured I'd just fucked it up beyond repair, it was so much easier to just try and ignore it—ignore you.¨
I listened to what he was saying, and I felt I could relate somewhat; wasn't I also hiding behind my pride? Think about it, I didn't ask for help nor did I share my difficulties either, and he was only looking out for me, in some sense at least; which ended up giving me a reason to blame him for my shame; until eventually I just exploded. So was it then my fault to begin with? It was hard to say.
¨You know, I am absolutely useless with people. The thing is I was initially the same with everyone, I think; I doubt anyone liked me at first, with Adel we even got into a huge fight, leaving me with a broken nose and…¨ he leaned forward slightly, lifting his upper lip showing me gaping hole where a tooth had once been, fourth one on the right of the top row; ¨The thing is that it's hard for me to trust people, and if I don't, I can only show them a cold rock…For you I suppose it was a lot harder than the rest though; the circumstances being what they were, I had a lot of excuses to be insufferable.¨ — ¨And I had a lot of excuses to be angry, other than you that is; and even if you were reason enough.¨
Something clicked just then, I think I thought I knew him, but I clearly never did—not at all; ¨but you know I really don't understand you; so how can I hate you?¨
¨Then we have at least two things in common, I don't understand myself either you see. And neither do I understand you. But I guess I wouldn't mind a fresh plate; I think ours was rotten from the start,¨ he mumbled—I chuckled; ¨you got that right.¨
I didn't really know how to continue our conversation further, and neither did he I suppose. So we just sat there silently, I kept glancing at his face and I kept fighting the urge to ask…There was something I was missing, something weighing him down—I could taste it.
However, something magical happened just then, stealing all of my attention…Hundreds of flying bugs the size of flies appeared some distance behind him, flying above the river towards us. A true portrait of fantastical beauty…They glowed blue like the water below, a hundred specks of light in the dark; I stared past his face, mouth open and eyes sharp, looking like a total fool and of that I was sure.
He noticed this, turning towards me in confusion, nose wrinkled and eyes of inquisition; but then realizing it wasn't he whom my eyes drilled, he turned to see as well; and I heard the slightest of gasp as his elbows tensed.
We both sat petrified as the horde of flying blue sparks inched towards us, until eventually they were right ahead of us, only meters away; they were no longer moving forward, they danced around the air ahead, a bug-ball of indescribable beauty wet my eyes in pure blissful joy; and I noticed one of those tiny sapphires separate from its group; flying towards Damien slowly, hopping up and down through the air.
He moved his head back slightly at first, but the bug flew straight towards him; so in the end he allowed it, and soon it landed on the tip of his nose casting its blue glow on his pretty face; and his eyes in that glow looked sadder than ever; I saw his lips parting slightly, and I genuinely thought it was the most magical thing, the most magical moment…But I saw tears falling down his cheeks, and it made me a little sad too.
The bug soon flapped its wings and lifted into the air, chasing down its group that had lingered for a tiny fleeting moment…And that was that, those were seconds that I would remember for the rest of my life—a day to remember an eternity, the day the blue bugs danced for me in the night…
But there was something else, something that I had quite ignored.
¨Damien…You're crying…¨ I muttered tentatively; my words made him jolt as he touched his face in disbelief; and as he did, lifting his fingers in front of his eyes and seeing the salty residue; he got the hiccups, his tears began to flow like a fountain.
The truth is that I didn't know what to do. I had always been the one crying after all, and I must have wriggled like an idiot for a good while as he hid his face from me; cycling between opening and closing my mouth, I was trying to find words; until eventually, I only placed my hand on his back, which made him jump subtly, before utterly freezing.
¨I killed someone today.¨ he whispered after a long silence, almost to himself it seemed.
¨What, why?¨ I blurted out in surprise and concern.
¨It doesn't matter why, it was my fault; and now, because of me someone is dead…And…¨ — ¨And what Damien? Tell me…I care.¨
Damien turned his head and glanced behind him through swollen red eyes. I followed his gaze; seeing Liline and our newest traveling companion; she was soothing him, and by now he was no longer crying though his eyes were still red. And I was almost certain I understood then, but I had been wrong before so I had to ask; ¨was it…Was it t-¨
¨Yes.¨ Damien suddenly exclaimed, his voice sounding hateful as he buried his face into his palms; ¨I the wretched scum made someone an orphan, someone like me.¨ I think he said, but it was hard to tell through all those terrible effects weighing down his voice. The truth is I was utterly helpless and overwhelmed, I wanted to help but I did not know how; what could I say or do to alleviate his suffering? Eventually however, it seems my body knew and I inched closer, I felt my own tears pass the arches of my face and I heard them fall on the stone.
I wrapped my arms around his torso; he said to leave him, telling me he doesn't deserve this; but I kept holding him anyway, in fact I just held him tighter.
In the past I had been like this many times, cursed my existence, felt my soul burning searing cold; how could I deny someone what I needed most but never had? How could I not share my warmth? How could I deny him my empathy?
…I couldn't.
Time passed, after ten minutes or so his tears had dried, telling me he wanted to be alone. I told him that I was here just in case, and I left him alone with his tragedy.
Needing to know more, I searched for one of the two boys; noticing Hermes carving a piece of wood with a knife he had bought back at Norburg; sitting absent-mindedly on a fallen tree, humming a melancholic tune; I sat down next to him.
¨Hey Iris, what's the weather?¨ — ¨Hi Hermie…I uh, I needed to know what happened today; could you tell me?¨ he looked at me askance and answered in a serious tone; ¨nothing happened, not for me to say anyway.¨ — ¨No I…I heard about it already, sort of, Damien told m-¨ — ¨You talked to Damien? Wow. You two like good now or?¨ — ¨Yeah, maybe? I think so; but Hermie, I need you to tell me what happened. Damien said it was his fault, but I don't believe that.¨
¨He said that!? No it wasn't his fault!¨ — ¨Hermie! Keep your voice down, please.¨ — ¨Oh…Right…So anyhow, it wasn't his fault, that guy was drunk and aggressive, he kept insulting me; Damien warned him—it was the drunkard who threw the first punch.¨ Hermes silently explained, basically whispering.
¨Still…He feels it was his fault.¨ — ¨That's really fucking stupid. It was an accident, the dude hit his head; damn near broke Damien's nose as well. And if he didn't step in first, it would have probably been me pummeling that dude.¨ Hermes angrily whispered, slipping on the wood he was carving and stabbing into his finger as he groaned and started sucking on his thumb.
¨He was crying Hermes.¨
The boy looked at me like I was an idiot; ¨Damien? Damien cried?..¨ For a moment the boy just stared at me emptily as if waiting for the punchline. Then, a bittersweet smile started forming on his lips, and he lifted his face to the sky; literal tears in his eyes—confusing the stinking hell out of me.
¨He doesn't cry Iris…Whenever he's down, he keeps it to himself, he internalizes everything, and the only way to get anything out of him normally is to stuff him with booze. Actually, once when we were out drinking, and he got really drunk; he told me this, that's why I know it, though I bet he doesn't even remember. And you know what else he said?¨ — ¨What did he say Hermes?¨ — ¨He said he hasn't cried once after his mother died, the exact moment she passed his tears apparently ran dry; and he cursed himself; according to him he felt like an empty husk, like he had lost a part of his humanity…So uh, yeah…him crying—it's a big fucking deal Iris.¨
¨Thanks.¨ I muttered and rudely made my escape; I had to think after all, I needed my brain in a state of solitary clarity; which I bet also meant that my beautiful dreams would be left waiting for a long while yet…