Absurd.
That was the only word that came to mind.
So what was the point of leaving early? Tiptoeing around?
Somehow, everything was just too unbelievably absurd. The weather. The scene. This.. heavy feeling. Everything was out of his control and it made his scalp crawl. The cold he just escaped was not the only shiver running up his spine.
And yet, his roommates were evidently just parading through heaven on earth, oblivious to his turmoil.
Eagerly displaying their 'secret' right in front of him, and his hoodie. How rude.
Was this Sora's new reality? Watching them be loved-up from the sidelines— cuddled up on the couch like a happy couple, not caring about anyone else?
He just got back. It was too soon, damn it!
He wasn't ready to confront his saltiness, so he clicked his tongue and trudged up the stairs to his room. He made it a point to lock the door, just in case some people intended to break in and confess their love on his desk again.
Peeling his clothes off, he entered the bathroom. While drying his damp hair, he looked at himself in the mirror and subconsciously began to beg.
If there's a God, can you do me a favor? Can you distract me? Can something go my way?
He swallowed the lump in his throat that had quietly formed.
It wasn't because he couldn't understand, but that he didn't want to. Emotions were tricky and unwelcome ones were the trickiest.
If he let even a sliver past his defenses, he would lose the war. Deceit would raise his white flag. He had obviously already lost several battles— ones that even he was not aware of.
On the brighter side of things, a bath and a fresh set of clothes was the unspoken therapy method he needed.
Refreshed, he flopped onto his bed and sighed, in relief this time. The feeling of coziness was one of life's most underrated joys.
Unfortunately, with feelings often came thoughts and memories.
He never acknowledged it, but he now felt the coziest with the very people he wanted nothing more than to avoid.
He wondered if he took it all for granted too much, for too long, and now it was probably gone. At the very least, 'gone' in the way he had grown to expect it.
There was no escape, it seemed. They always seemed to find an excuse to cross his mind.
But he could only feel stupid for doing something as reckless as living in the moment. Had he learned nothing?
His leg bounced and shook uncontrollably as he was spread stiffly on the bed. Minutes passed like that, anxiety creeping in.
Then as sudden as a strike of lightning, he palmed both sides of his face. "Alright. Let's think about this rationally. I'm acting like a child." He sprung up, shuffling backwards to lean against the padded headboard, about to talk himself through the math. "They're dating. Probably. Maybe soon, if not yet. That's.. acknowledged."
He paused.
"So what's it to me? Why do I care?" He tried to consider the facts before labeling them as bad just because it was uncomfortable.
A deep breath later, he answered himself. "Maybe I don't.." He folded his arms.
"Maybe I'm just afraid they'll make things feel weird and the living dynamic we built brick by brick will crumble into something new. Something awkward."
"I think that's a valid concern?" He nodded, starting to feel convinced at the logic. The thunder seemed to agree with him, grumbling lowly at his conclusion.
But a tiny voice in his mind spoke up:
Or is that a cover story?
His eyes widened when he remembered that night.
The look in Dae's eyes.
The words King said, right in front of him, but not to him.
I want you.
His chest tightened uncomfortably. Goosebumps were fighting their way out, desperate to drive home the point.
It was worse than he thought.
He just might be emotionally invested in the most troublesome way possible.
Before he could facepalm or scream or vomit, his phone rang out.
He slid across the bed and reached for the nightstand. He picked up his phone to see name Julia and immediately swiped the icon to green.
"My darling!"
"Hi Julia," He said in the sweet tone he never failed to give his aunt.
In actuality, she was King's aunt, but if anyone asked, that was his aunt too. He was also her unofficial official favourite nephew.
"You sound tired. Already going to bed? It's barely 5." She joked, concern laced in her words. "Or are you overthinking something again?"
Sora felt that the woman was like a police dog. Instead of illegal substances, she could always accurately dig out his innermost thoughts.
However, this subject was much too dicey.
"Just exhausted from my school project and everything. But what about you? Is there a problem with the latest issue?" It was a half-truth and not a white lie, just a mild non-disclosure with a calculated diversion.
Julia chuckled. "Always deflecting. You're lucky I adore you."
Sora smiled faintly.
"But no," she continued, "the issue's fine. Your designs are stealing hearts, as usual. And the ones you made for me? They're doing even better than I imagined. Today, I had at least a dozen people ask me when the next drop is."
He felt his ears warm. Julia casually gave the most value-affirming compliments like it was the most natural thing ever. Like it was only fact that Sora was such a great designer, whom people loved to wear from.
"I'm serious," she added, because she knew what he was like. "Anyway, I'm not calling about the issue, but that does remind me. You three should be in my office by 10 on Saturday, okay? Tell the other two. I called Dae, but no answer. Same with King. I'm assuming they're okay, since you would've mentioned it, right?"
Sora's chest tightened yet again and he became overly aware of his heartbeat. He glanced at the door, as through they would suddenly come bounding in. "Of course. No need to worry, Aunty. I think they had bad hangovers or something, been sleeping all day."
The conversation naturally fizzled out and he wasn't sure if he felt heavier or lighter when they both got off the phone.
He wanted to call back, confess his broken feelings, and let her tell him everything would be fine so that he could believe it.
But how would he explain though? That somewhere in the middle of it all, he'd looked too long, listened too closely, and now carried words in his chest that weren't even meant for him.