"Sir," one of the women who was manning a flimsy approximation of a comms station began, "we're picking up an unknown vessel in the system!"
"An unknown ship," the presenter continued as he addressed the audience, pausing for dramatic effect.
"We need FCP, first contact protocols!"
"But what are first contact protocols?" another of the phony bridge crew asked, walking in awkwardly from out of frame and eliciting stifled laughter from the room.
"I'm glad you asked," the presenter replied, "FCP is something that we all need to understand when operating in uncharted space. There are more stars in the Galaxy than there are grains of sand on every one of Earth's beaches combined."
"That's a lot of stars!" the crewman added, his stilted performance causing another wave of snickering to pass through the mess hall.
"Indeed it is. Around each one of those stars, there might be planets, planets which might harbor complex life. Odds are that there are thousands, even tens of thousands of advanced civilizations in our own backyard, and the further we venture into space, the more the odds of us encountering them increase. They might be friendly, like our allies the Krell."
A still image of a Krell appeared on the hologram, the giant reptile sharing an Olympic swimming pool with its human neighbors, cruising along one of the lanes with only its snout and the hump of its armored back protruding from the water like a giant crocodile. One of the Krell in the audience rumbled happily, the sound making Jaeger's bones vibrate. Whether he appreciated the positive portrayal of his race, or if he just recognized that there was another Krell on the display was unclear.
"Or ... they might not be so friendly."
This time a picture of a Betelgeusian drone appeared on the display, a bipedal insect about five feet in height, its vaguely humanoid body sheathed in a tough exoskeleton that shone in iridescent hues of blue and green. It had two pairs of arms, the upper pair longer and thicker than the secondary pair, which protruded from about where the ribs would have been on a person. Its thorax seemed to be split into two bulging segments, and there was layered armor covering all of its joints, whether artificial or natural in origin was hard to tell. The face was almost featureless, the head round and smooth. It had two large, compound eyes that glittered in the light, and a set of cutting mandibles where the mouth would have been. Sprouting from its forehead was an ornate antler or horn, branching off almost like the limbs of a tree.
Nobody needed to be reminded why the Coalition wasn't on friendly terms with the Betelgeusians, the alliance had been assembled for the sole purpose of stopping their incursions into civilized systems.
"The most important task when interacting with an unknown species is to avoid confrontation," the presenter said, turning to the comms operator again as if anticipating her next line.
"The unidentified vessel is locking onto us!" she exclaimed, "take evasive action!"
"Delay that order," the presenter said with a dramatic wave of his hand, turning back towards the audience once again.
"Locking might not be a hostile action, they may simply be targeting us with their sensors in an effort to find out what we are. Always keep in mind that in their neck of the woods, it's 'we' who are the aliens. Always err on the side of caution, and don't assume hostile intent without good reason."
"Their weapons are powering up, they're bringing their forward guns into range!" the operator continued.
"Don't act rashly!" the presenter warned.
"Territorial behavior is a natural response in this situation, after all, how would you like it if someone came into your home uninvited? If the aliens show signs of aggression, back down, deescalate the situation. Let them know that you didn't travel across the stars to start a fight with them. If you must retreat, then retreat. The only circumstance that permits you to fire on an unidentified vessel while FPC is active is if you are being actively engaged. Always remember the three Ds," he added as the words scrolled across the shot one by one.
"Deescalate, diffuse, disengage."
"The vessel is signaling us," the comms officer said, and what followed was a distorted voice listing off nonsense words that were intended to represent an alien transmission. The presenter started to speak again, pointing to his ear.
"Communicating with an unknown species will be difficult, and it may even be impossible. What if they see in different wavelengths of light than we do, what if they hear at different frequencies? What if they're entirely deaf, and they communicate only through pheromones? They may be incapable of speech, or their concept of communication may have no equivalent in our experience. They won't understand common gestures and non-verbal communication either. Shaking your head to indicate 'no' or waving as a greeting might seem self-explanatory to you, but it won't be to them! It might even frighten or startle them, so try not to make any sudden moves or violent gestures."
"They want to come aboard, Sir," the woman added.
"What should we do?"
"If you manage to reach this stage, it will likely be under the supervision of your ship's captain, but let's assume for the sake of this demonstration that you have to make these decisions yourselves. Perhaps you're exploring an uncharted planet, and you've encountered sentient natives..."
The bridge set vanished as the video cut to a forest scene, clearly not an alien jungle, but a national park on Earth. A group of Marines in black combat armor walked into the flat shot from the right, the leader holding up his fist and indicating for the rest to stop. From the trees to the left emerged what looked like a B-movie alien, or something from a low-budget TV show. It held its arms out in front of it as it took exaggerated steps towards the soldiers, the mess hall erupting with laughter. The XO stood and turned to look back at them angrily, putting his finger to his lips as he gestured for the crew to be quiet.
One of the Marines raised his rifle and pointed it at the creature, but then the presenter appeared once again, leaping out from the background with almost comedic timing and standing between the two.
"Stop! Just like in space, never assume that actions are hostile without good reason. If an alien attempts to invade your personal space, back away. If you can't back away, push it back gently and make it obvious that you don't want to be touched. Remember the three Ds,"
the presenter repeated as he held up three fingers and counted off. "Deescalate, diffuse, disengage."
The Marine demonstrated, letting his rifle hang from its sling as the monster approached. He placed his hand on the alien's chest, the other resting on his sidearm holster, gently pushing it back. After a couple of pushes, the pretend alien got the picture, keeping its distance. Jaeger tried to imagine someone trying that maneuver with a Borealan, they'd probably lose the arm...
"If the alien becomes hostile, retreat if you're reasonably able to do so, and avoid responding with violence. You're on his turf, keep that in mind."
The fictional alien advanced, waving its arms aggressively, and the squad of Marines began to retreat as they kept their rifles trained on it.
"As UNN personnel, you are representing your entire species, so do your best to make that first impression a good one!"
The forest scene faded out, and this time it was replaced with a wall of text listing off regulations and rules of engagement.
"Now we will review the rules of engagement and the clauses of the UN charter," the disembodied voice of the presenter said. Another wave of groaning passed through the room, this time the XO was the only one who was laughing to himself...…