Night fell and the darkness became impenetrable; there was no moon to light the way — a person could not see their hand even if it were in front of them.
In the dark of night the only source of light was a small fire around which four people huddled.
The flames' wavering reflection shone in all their eyes except one — the darkness in that person's eyes was blacker than the night itself.
"It's time to sleep, so go and rest. We have a long road tomorrow," I told them as I added more wood to the fire.
"You're right. So who will keep watch first?" Ronan asked from the side.
"There's no need for you to watch. I'll take care of it myself," I said calmly, but the others didn't like that, especially Ilena.
"Don't be ridiculous — you need rest too," Ilena complained with a frown.
"Yeah, you're right, but I can restore my endurance by devouring monsters with my darkness. We're surrounded by trees, so I can just eat them and get rid of my fatigue. Enough meaningless talk — go to sleep," I ordered in a voice that allowed no argument. Everyone gave up trying to convince me and went to sleep, except Ilena, who looked at me angrily.
"Ilena, take my cloak and sleep — it's better than that nasty fur," I said, handing her my cloak. She took it with a little hesitation, sighed in resignation, and went to sleep as well.
'First night, huh,' I sighed deeply, standing up from my place and climbing up Eleanor — it would be better to be in a high spot for watching.
'I wonder what Adam wanted to know, and how serious is this matter that a blessed one of the gods disappeared in the first place? Isn't he supposed to be the strongest human in existence?'
'Hmm, on closer thought there are four puzzles: first, the reason for Adam's disappearance; second, why I couldn't see Adam's face; third, who is the creator Adam worshipped — shouldn't he worship the gods?; and fourth and finally, what is the origin of that flower and why did something cursed appear from a kind-hearted person like Adam?'
My thoughts were a mess. I tried to think about many things but couldn't find answers to my questions.
"Lots of riddles and no evidence of anything. I hope I find my answers in the temples or at least in the Silver Castle," I sighed again. Lately all I do is sigh.
I smiled bitterly at the state I'd become.
"Let's train a bit — that's better than doing nothing," I said, standing and jumping down a little away from the sleepers so I wouldn't wake them.
I drew my sword and began swinging it hard.
After three hours of training I decided that was enough. I wiped my sweat and walked toward the trees, devoured a few of them, which restored my energy.
Training helped clear my mind and get rid of annoying thoughts. I went to Eleanor's corpse and climbed it again. Some might think my actions disrespectful to the dead, but I don't care.
After watching aimlessly for an hour, I felt someone else climbing the tree.
'Hmm, why did this girl wake up?' It was Ilena — who else — she climbed the tree, came beside me, and sat quietly.
"I told you to sleep," I scolded her indifferently, knowing my words were useless.
She smiled at my words and said in a calm voice, "I slept four hours — that's enough. Better than not sleeping at all."
She narrowed her eyes at me, showing her displeasure at my staying awake.
"I told you I don't need sleep, so go and sleep, Ilena. Think logically, please. You're the strongest person here; you should be in good condition to fight."
"Okay, okay, I'll sleep," she said in resignation. I thought she would go down and sleep, but she behaved differently.
"What are you doing?" I said in astonishment as I looked at Ilena, who had fallen asleep on my lap.
"What am I doing? Isn't it obvious? I'm sleeping as you wanted," she said naturally, as if I were the strange one.
"Ah, girl, why are you acting like this today — first in the church, then when you woke up, then the kiss, and now this. Why don't you tell the others about your feelings too?" I shook my head at her behavior.
"Great idea. Maybe I should do that — someone cowardly like you might gain some courage. Honestly, even if you were a girl or castrated, I would have confessed my love long ago, but you're hopeless," Ilena mocked me, throwing barbs that stabbed with words.
"Didn't you say you would wait?" I said, turning my face a little red from the situation.
Ilena raised her hand, touched my face, and looked into my eyes.
"I will wait for you, but Nox, my waiting for you doesn't mean I won't try to make things happen sooner. I may act a little rashly, but I do this so you'll find the courage to confess your feelings. As for me..."
Ilena paused, closed her eyes, then opened them and looked at me, smiling gently.
"I love you, Nox. I love you very much."
Her sudden confession froze me in place. I didn't expect her to say it so directly.
'Damn — can't even respond to the feelings of the girl I love,' I cursed myself and insulted myself with every kind of reproach. My lips trembled as I tried to speak, but Ilena put her finger on my lips to stop me.
"Enough talking. I want to sleep. How about you pat me all night? I bet being patted by a beautiful, wonderful girl is better than aimless watching," she said with a mocking smile, then turned in my lap and closed her eyes to sleep.
I raised my hand and slowly placed it on her head, gently patting her while looking at her angelic face as she slept.
Thoughts spun in my mind as I considered the situation.
'I'm extremely cowardly and foolish, but you can't blame me. I lived my life without showing my feelings to anyone. How am I supposed to change in less than half a year what took nine years to form? That's hard even for me.'
'I'm afraid to tell her I love her. I'm afraid of getting attached and then being left — that's always me. I always think of the worst outcome. I know she won't leave me; it's impossible for someone like her, but what about me? Maybe I'll find her love exhausting and run away. Relationships are tiring and painful. I tend to run from pain.'
'If I ever leave Ilena, I will feel regret and my regret will grow because I know she will forgive me if I return. I can imagine her smiling gently, hugging me, and telling me she forgives me. But what good is her forgiveness if I can't forgive myself?'
'I always said that a person who hates himself cannot give love to others. I hate myself — I hate myself a lot. I tried to kill myself because I hated myself. Just looking in the mirror disgusted me. Why is someone like me still alive? Why did people like Ilena and Sora choose to be with me? I don't understand what's good about me.'
'My self-hatred is so deep that I find it strange when others get close to me. That makes me hate myself more. Every time Ilena expresses her love for me my self-hatred increases. Worse, I am selfish and only think about myself. Why the hell am I selfish when I hate myself?'
'I don't accept Ilena's feelings because I'm scared and I hate myself, and I don't reject them because I'm selfish and want to keep her for myself.'
'I'm waiting because I want to love myself or maybe stop hating myself. Isn't it an insult to Ilena to hate the person she loves? I can't face that — I would be the recipient of her love without giving her anything in return.'
Goodbye night — quickly, while I drown in self-hatred I pat Ilena who breathes quietly in my lap.
Gradually the pitch-black darkness faded and the sun appeared. Although the black clouds prevented one from seeing it, the small amount of light that reached the earth made the world a little brighter.
Ilena stirred in my lap, opened her eyes slowly, looked up, and smiled gently at my face.
"Good morning," she said as she faced my stomach and hugged me tightly, her face pressed into my body.
"Good morning, Ilena," I answered quietly; my mind was still mired in its inner struggle.
After several minutes Ilena gathered her strength and got up from my lap, stretching.
"That was refreshing, wasn't it?" she said as she yawned, then leaned back on me.
"Ilena, stop that. I have to wake the others," I said, trying to push her, but she refused.
"By all means, it's still early. Let them rest a bit more. Also..." She wrapped her arms around me, brought her face close to mine, and pressed her nose against mine. She smiled widely, her eyes narrowing with joy and amusement.
"Let's rest too."
"You really don't learn," I said, pulling my head away while trying to stand, but Ilena prevented me.
"For the love of God, Ilena, stop. We need to move," I said.
"Okay, I'll do it if you give me a kiss," she said as if asking for something trivial.
"Huh? Why should I kiss you? Don't be ridiculous."
"It's just a kiss on the cheek. I kissed you yesterday, so it's your turn," she said. Her look made clear she wouldn't back down.
I sighed resignedly and leaned my lips toward her cheek.
I placed my lips on her soft, tender cheek and pressed gently. I felt an urge to bite her cheek, but I restrained myself.
After a few seconds I ended the kiss and pulled my reddened face away.
"Are you satisfied?" I asked.
She smiled with overflowing happiness, a blush appearing on her cheek.
"Very satisfied. Actually I want another, but I'll give it up for now," she said, teasingly humming with joy.
'Ugh — I really hate myself. Maybe I should try to kill myself a few times to calm down.'