"Holy crab! There's no place like home!"
Zhang Jie, who had just returned from the UK, threw himself onto the bed with a thud. The mattress bounced twice, directly aggravating the wound under his ribs.
"Ow—that hurts! F**k!"
He grimaced and turned over, only to press on the gunshot wound in his shoulder, immediately gasping in pain.
"Sh*t!"
He had sustained more injuries on this trip to the UK than in the past six months combined.
Fortunately, the mission he accepted through the Killer App had been approved. Although the process was brutal, the system determined that he had completed the mission.
A total of $150,000 in commission... "This job was a f***ing loss…"
He grimaced as he pulled out his phone and opened the settlement notification from the Killer App:
"Mission Complete"
"Commission: $150,000 (including advance commission of $50,000)"
"Service Fee (40%): -$60,000"
"Advance Deduction: -$50,000"
"Actual Payout: $40,000"
"40% service fee?!" Zhang Jie almost crushed his phone. "This is more predatory than a loan shark!"
"F***!"
Zhang Jie stared at the payout notification on his phone, his face turning green.
"An advance of 50,000, a 40% commission, and an actual payout of 90,000…"
"And then there's medical expenses, equipment wear and tear, airfare…"
"Rent…"
He counted on his fingers and finally realized—
"I only have… 10,000 left!"
"Ugh, I'm so broke!"
Zhang Jie wailed, collapsing onto the bed with a look of utter despair.
"How did I, a top assassin, end up in such a pathetic state?!"
He stared at the ceiling, his eyes hollow.
"I, a professional assassin who could cut through a 13-person elite squad in Blackthorn Castle, now only have enough money to buy a used Corolla?"
"This industry is impossible to work in!"
As he was wailing, a familiar "thump, thump, thump" suddenly came from outside the door—
It wasn't knocking; it was pounding.
The force was so great that even the empty beer cans on the nightstand rattled.
"Zhang! Don't play dead!"
Mrs. Schneider's raspy voice pierced through three layers of door, "I smell blood! Either pay the rent, or I'll call the police and report you for practicing medicine illegally!"
Zhang Jie sighed, dragged his injured body up, and slowly shuffled to the door.
As soon as the door opened, Mrs. Schneider's heavily powdered face was right there, her explosive hair as exaggerated as ever, and her leopard print bathrobe particularly glaring in the morning light.
"Oh, you're still alive?"
The old woman scrutinized him from head to toe, her gaze lingering on his bandaged shoulder and ribs for a few seconds, her eyebrows raised high.
She sniffed around like a drug dog and barged in.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk…"
She kicked aside a blood-stained bandage. "Is this a gunshot wound? A knife wound? Or were you chewed on by a polar bear?"
"Professional secret."
Zhang Jie slumped on the sofa, playing dead.
The old woman suddenly pulled out a spray bottle and started spraying his wound wildly.
"Ow! Sh*t! What the f*** is this?!"
"Hydrogen peroxide mixed with vodka, my granddaughter Hannah's recipe."
She winked, casually tucking the bottle into her alligator skin bag. "Disinfection fee, 50 bucks."
"Damn it!"
"What did you mess up this time? Got stabbed or bitten by a dog?"
Zhang Jie rolled his eyes, too lazy to explain, and simply pulled a wad of cash from his pocket, slapping it into the old woman's hand.
"Here, rent, all paid up."
?
Mrs. Schneider was stunned. She lowered her head to count, her eyes wide.
"All… all paid up??"
She looked up suspiciously, staring at Zhang Jie's face as if trying to discern some conspiracy.
The air suddenly became quiet.
Mrs. Schneider's false eyelashes blinked three times like windshield wipers. She suddenly pulled out a UV light and began to check the banknotes on the spot.
"Hmm, this one's real, this one's real too… This one's also real, they're all real?"
Looking at the wad of real cash in her hand.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Really okay?"
"Really."
The old woman narrowed her eyes, then suddenly lowered her voice and asked conspiratorially:
"Did you rob a bank? Sell a kidney? Or…?"
"No, no, no!"
Five seconds of pause (not a still image).
"…You didn't become a stripper, did you?"
Zhang Jie: "…"
"I'm a f***ing assassin! An assassin!"
"Oh." Mrs. Schneider pouted, looking quite displeased that she hadn't gotten any juicy gossip.
She stuffed the money into her alligator skin handbag. "So, how much did you earn this time?"
"None of your business!"
At that, Zhang Jie instantly turned red with anger.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk, such a temper, looks like you didn't earn much."
The old woman laughed gleefully. "Do you want to consider my granddaughter's emergency room male nurse position? 20% off, you know~"
"I'm a legitimate assassin! A f***ing assassin!"
"Oh~"
She drew out the sound, then suddenly lifted his collar to check his collarbone. "So you became a stripper? Max said those perverts on Wall Street just love pretty boys like you with injuries…"
Are you f***ing kidding me?!
I've been talking this whole time, and you haven't heard a single word, have you?
Zhang Jie slapped her hand away: "Do you want the money or not? If not, I'm taking it back!"
"Yes, yes, yes!"
The old woman pulled out a sheepskin ledger: "But you still owe—"
She paused for a good while.
"Late-night noise disturbance fee, 200!"
"Hallway light bulb wear and tear fee, 150!"
"Air pollution fee (instant noodle smell), 300!"
"And…" She kicked the refrigerator. "The case of the three missing cans of beer!"
Zhang Jie grabbed a pillow and threw it at her: "That's what you f***ing drank last week yourself!"
"Proof?" She shook her explosive hair proudly. "My granddaughter graduated from NYU Law School!"
Just as Zhang Jie was about to lose it, the old woman suddenly flung a box from her bag: "Here, your gift."
When Zhang Jie opened the box, inside was a Hello Kitty band-aid.
?
"…This is for Max, isn't it?"
"Smart!" She patted his shoulder. "By the way, Hannah is on night shift tonight. Remember, if your wound gets infected, you get a 20% discount…"
Not again!
Damn old hag, just go!
Seeing Zhang Jie about to lose his temper again, the old woman decisively turned and walked out of the room.
Bang!
Zhang Jie slammed the door shut with a fierce motion.
After the door closed, Zhang Jie looked at the pink band-aid and his empty wallet, then suddenly burst out laughing.
Zhang Jie slammed the door shut with a bang, but he used too much force and pulled his wound again, wincing in pain.
Outside the door, Mrs. Schneider's raspy voice was still yelling:
"Oh, and the beer in your fridge was yours! Fine of 50! It's on your tab!"
Zhang Jie: "…"
Then he gave a middle finger in the direction of the door, cursing: "F*** you!"
He slumped back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling, and suddenly laughed.
"Damn it… it's still good to be home."
Mrs. Schneider, standing outside the door, hadn't gone far. She stood at the stairwell, looking at the door without speaking.
After a long while, she suddenly smiled and whispered, "Little rascal, it's good that you're f***ing back."
-----------------------
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