The bench was smooth and surprisingly warm beneath her. Lan Yue sat rigidly, her posture so perfect it could have been used to calibrate a spirit level. Every fiber of her being was screaming that this was a trap, that the pleasant garden, the steaming tea, the casually beautiful demoness across from her were all an elaborate illusion designed to lull her into a false sense of security.
She would not be lulled. She was a bastion of righteous vigilance.
Empress Xue Lian took another sip of her star bloom tea, watching Lan Yue over the rim of her cup with an expression of mild amusement. "You know, for a woman who just attempted a daring escape, you look incredibly tense. The tea really is good. Not poisoned. Probably." She added the last word with a playful glint in her eye.
Lan Yue's eyes narrowed. A classic villainous taunt. "I do not require refreshment from my captor."
"Suit yourself. More for me." Xue Lian poured herself another cup from the elegant pot. "So, the grand tour. What did you think? I know the polishing crew is really hitting their stride this week. The gleam on the north corridor pillars is just chef's kiss." She made a little gesture with her fingers.
Lan Yue just stared, her face a mask of impassive stone. Inside, her mind was a frantic, scrambling thing. Chef's kiss? What does that mean? Is it a demonic ritual? A threat?
"The efficiency of your… staff… is noted," Lan Yue said, her voice colder than the deepest sect winter. "It changes nothing. This is still a realm of corruption. You are still a tyrant who kidnaps innocent cultivators."
"Innocent is a strong word," Xue Lian mused, tapping a sharp nail against her chin. "Weren't you just practicing a technique that could level a small mountain? Very 'innocent' hobby. Very 'leave no trace.'"
"That is for the defense of the righteous and the purging of evil!" Lan Yue retorted, her composure cracking for a microsecond.
"Ah, right. The evil." Xue Lian gestured around the peaceful garden with her cup. "Behold the terrifying evil of… hydroponically grown gloom blossoms. Truly, the stuff of nightmares." A small, glowing bee like creature buzzed past her head and she absently waved it away. "Shoo, Buzzy, the nice lady is trying to condemn us all."
Lan Yue's eye twitched. Buzzy?
"Your attempts at humor are as transparent as they are futile," Lan Yue stated, locking her emotions down again. "You hold me against my will. You have collared me like a beast. This… civility is a farce."
"The collar is for public safety, like I said. And 'against your will' is such a negative framing," Xue Lian sighed, as if explaining something very simple to a very slow child. "Think of it as an… immersive cultural exchange program. With a slightly mandatory attendance policy. The pamphlet was very clear."
There's a pamphlet? The thought popped, unbidden and insane, into Lan Yue's head. She violently suppressed it.
"I will not be swayed by your… your…" Lan Yue struggled for the right word to describe the sheer absurdity of it all. "...your interior design and your talking insects!"
"Buzzy isn't an insect, he's a lesser light sprite. And he's a valued member of the garden community," Xue Lian corrected, looking genuinely offended. "He pollinates. He has a family to feed. Show some respect."
This was impossible. Arguing with this woman was like trying to fistfight a cloud. There was nothing to grab onto, just a baffling, fluffy resistance.
"Your empire is built on lies and theft," Lan Yue tried again, switching tactics to a more traditional doctrinal condemnation. "You admitted you stole those… cows."
"Relocated with compensation," Xue Lian corrected. "And they're much happier here! Our grass is ethically sourced and slightly sentient. It sings to them. The milk is to die for. You should try the cheese board tomorrow."
Lan Yue gave up. She simply sat, a beautiful, rigid statue of seething confusion and unyielding resolve, in the face of the most goofy, nonsensical evil imaginable.
Xue Lian finished her tea and stood, brushing a non existent speck of dust from her robes. "Well, this has been lovely. Really productive airing of grievances. I feel like we've really connected." She gave Lan Yue another infuriating wink. "I'll have Gleeb show you back to your room. He'll be so relieved you're okay. He was worried he'd failed his welcoming duties."
She began to walk away, then paused. "Oh, and just a heads up, the hot water for the baths is on a bit of a fritz today. The plumbers a clan of salamander demons are on strike. Something about bereavement leave for a boiled relative. Demonic unions. What can you do? So maybe just a quick sponge bath tonight. Toodles!"
And with that, the Empress of the Luminous Dynasty, the feared Demon Empress Xue Lian, wandered off down the garden path, humming a tune that was suspiciously catchy.
Lan Yue remained on the bench, alone with the singing grass and the existential dread.
A few moments later, a very nervous Gleeb peeked out from the doorway. "H honored Guest? Shall I, um, escort you back? I brought a fresh pot of tea. For the journey."
Lan Yue, the mighty Head Disciple of the Azure Cloud Sect, the once in a millennium prodigy, the reincarnated celestial enigma, slowly turned her head to look at the trembling imp. She was guarded as fuck. She was furious. She was also, she realized with a sinking feeling, slightly concerned about the status of the salamander plumbers.
Wordlessly, she stood and followed Gleeb back inside, her escape attempt not just failed, but thoroughly and bizarrely invalidated. The walls of her gilded cage felt less like obsidian and more like… well padded, absurdly decorated insanity.