Memory fragments blew through Hana's thoughts like an ice storm. Sharp shards that tore cuts into her chest as they passed by. On and on. Deeper and deeper.
"... Hana?"
A voice. Far away, as if it were part of the memories. Like it was Syon coming back. Saying her name. Not just leaving her there.
"Hana?"
There it was again, sharper, closer. The gray flicker of mixed emotions gradually cleared.
"Hana?!"
Her mother's voice. Hana was back at the dining table. Frozen and confused, like someone who had actually just returned from a year abroad.
Her hands still cramped around the glass. If it had been even a little thinner, she probably would've crushed it. The rush of blood had gathered into a pulse that raced through her body like an earthquake.
Her parents' eyes were on her. Hana knew that she had to break the freeze. Justblink once. Followed up with an awkward little laugh, disguised as a smooth apology for zoning out.
But her body wouldn't obey. Nothing moved.
"Hana, sweetheart, what's wrong with you?" her mother asked as she leaned into Hana's field of vision. The thin frame of her glasses emphasized her worried look.
The pressure inside Hana rose like a boiling kettle, but under no circumstances was it allowed to spill over. At the same time, every second of silence made it harder to explain herself. Every second drew more attention to what had been said last.
Syon.
The name she couldn't talk about. Not now, and especially not here. Why did it have to come up right now? After the last few days, which had already taken everything out of her.
Everything inside Hana screamed. The screams threatened to burst. The gray flicker swallowed her vision.
♬ TINK WAHOOYA POYOOO!! ~ ♬
A shrill sound ripped her out of her thoughts, and straight to the floor. Now she was looking at the edge of the table from below.
♬ TINK WAHOOYA POYOOO!! ~ ♬
Something made the table vibrate. Her phone. The Hello Kitty ringtone that hit her like an electric shock.
"Oh God, Honey! Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?" Hana's mother jumped up immediately and reached her hand out toward her.
Hana exhaled. Her body obeyed again. The paralysis was gone, as if it had never been there.
"Ow…," she groaned as she pulled herself back onto her feet using the edge of the table. She ignored her mother's helping hand.
Her mother withdrew her hand and straightened up. "You weren't this clumsy when you were younger." Said almost casually, but it stung.
♬ TINK WAHOOYA POYOOO!! ~ ♬
Hana's gaze fell on the phone, which was still dancing in place.
Incoming call from Lyra🦴
She muted it immediately.
I'm so stupid… and you… my savior.
A paper-thin smile twitched across Hana's lips.
Please forgive me. I'll call you right back.
She tucked the smartphone into her purse and cleared her throat. "Haha, sorry, I was totally in another world for a sec."
She giggled awkwardly and scratched her head. Then she took a sip of water and sat back down.
"I'm sorry, I think I might've overworked myself a bit these past few days," she lied. Even if it was just an excuse, the words held so much truth to them.
"Who was that?" her mother asked.
A warm feeling crept into Hana's cheeks.
"Uh, um… an, uh… like… an old friend?" She laughed nervously.
Her mother tilted her head, as if she already knew the answer to the following question. Her tone grew stricter.
"And who exactly would that be?"
Now her father's gaze was on her too.
Hana stammered, desperately searching for a name that sounded believable… but there wasn't one. And certainly not one her mother would buy.
"Well, I mean, uh… that was… that was Lyra." Hana never would have thought it could feel this uncomfortable to say her name out loud.
Her mother slammed her hands on the table and leaned forward.
"You're not serious, are you?!"
Hana flinched.
"We— we're just coworkers. We happen to work at the same… restaurant. She probably just wanted to ask me something about a shift." A desperate attempt at sounding convincing.
"That girl…" Something in her mother seemed to tighten. The same reaction as back then, when she'd found out about Hana's drinking problem.
"Mom…" That was all Hana could get out.
Then a calm, gentle hand settled over her mother's, which was still trembling on the tabletop. Her father had stood up and moved to her side. His calm slowly transferred to her.
"It's alright, my dear," he soothed her. His voice was deeper than usual. Not the kind of deep that sounds threatening, but one that carries words better.
"We almost lost you back then." He turned to Hana. "What if it hadn't been Satsuna, but you?" A pause. "Imagine what that would've done to us. To your mother…"
The question hung in the air as if it were death itself. No one wanted to face it.
Hana had no answer either. Maybe that would've been better, she thought. But she couldn't say that.
He raised an eyebrow.
"Didn't Lyra abandon you after the incident? Cut off contact?" His voice stayed soft, but every word was a precise stab. "She was your best friend. And then… just nothing."
The words hit a sore spot that still hurt.
But Hana swallowed it down.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart…"
His gaze drifted somewhere across the table.
"We believe that girl is not good for you. She proved that, didn't she?"
Hana's mother lifted her head again. "That girl ever had nothing but nonsense in her head. We just want you to finally stay stable, Hana."
She clenched her fists. "A troublemaker ever since you met her in elementary school. She always talked you into things you never would've done on your own."
Her eyes drifted aside, as if she questioned her own words for a moment. "And with a home like that, it's no wonder their daughter derailed. The same fear in her eyes as in her mother's. I knew Mizuki from work" Her lips pressed into a thin line. "She should've gotten help."
"Either way, she's not a good influence on you, and I don't want you getting back in touch with her. Whatever stupid things she's up to now. Especially now, when you've finally managed to stay clean for two whole months. She's the last person you need."
She crossed her arms over her chest.
"Knowing her, she's probably got issues with drug. Or worse. Who knows what kind of circles she's running in. And that's why I want you to stay away from her."
There was something in her eyes that was supposed to be concern.
"Do you understand?"
The sharp mix of arguments and assumptions rained down on Hana like a hail of blunt arrows. Somehow painful, yet none of them really got under her skin.
She's not like that anymore. She's… different. Careful. Helpful. She makes the right calls when it actually matters.
And besides… she's gotten really soft…
A few thoughts, a few memories and there it was again, that strange feeling in her chest. It almost overwhelmed her, until she shook her head hard enough to snap it loose.
Just that shaking your head wasn't exactly the smartest reaction to her mother's words.
"Excuse me— What's that supposed to mean?!" her mother pressed out, completely aghast.
"Uhhh—No no, sorry, Mom!" Hana waved her hands around in panic. "That's not what I meant, I was just thinking about back then and how awful everything was! Of course I agree with you."
She had to take a quick breath. Lying was exhausting. "I promise, she's just a coworker, and I— I'm obviously keeping my distance. Like you said."
It worked. Hana could see how every syllable and every nod slowly dissolved the mix of anger and worry from her mother's face. But Hana could feel that something had been left behind again. Just like earlier with Syon.
"Alright, sweetheart. Thank you, really." Her mother smiled, gaze still a little serious. "I know my words are harsh… but I truly only want what's best for you."
What's best for me? You mean what's best for you.
Her mother's gaze flicked aside briefly, as if there was more she wanted to say. Before Hana could dwell on it, she felt her father's warm hand on her head, patting it gently.
"Dad… I'm not a child anymore." She tried to grumble, but her voice sounded tired.
Her parents smiled. Her father nodded with satisfaction, as if she had just passed a test.
They ate. The food had gone cold, but no one said anything. Her mother talked about a vacation in Italy, her father nodded in the right moments. Hana laughed when it was expected. Everything ran like clockwork. Perfectly choreographed.
Like always, Hana thought. But somehow easier. Because I'm not trying to be real anymore.
The topic of Syon didn't come up again. Neither did the topic of Lyra.
Eventually they were done.
Hana said goodbye and walked through the well-kept front garden, past the black lilies to the front gate. When it closed with a dull thud behind her, she immediately leaned against it. The cold metal pressing through her thin t-shirt. She took a deep breath and sighed exhaustedly.
Made it.
As a reward, she looked up at the sky. Deep blue, threaded with cloud-shapes you could always read something into. Flowers, cats, rabbits…
Just like back then on the school roof with—
LYRA.
FUCK!
She pushed herself from the gate in panic, took a few steps, and rummaged through her handbag for her phone.
Ten missed calls from Lyra.
A drop of sweat ran down her cheek as she scrolled through the notifications.
11:45 Lyra: AS IF YOU JUST FUCKING DITCH AGAIN
11:48 Lyra: Please answer. Just something small.
11:54 Lyra: I'm not scraping you off the street if you drink yourself into a coma again.
11:58 Lyra: Hello??
12:03 Lyra: Fuck you
After that came more missed calls at different intervals. The last one at 1:28 PM.
By now it was 2:04 PM..
Fuck… I'm so sorry.
With damp hands, she unlocked her phone and opened Lyra's contact. Before tapping the call icon, she took one quick breath. Then she called.
First came the sound of dialing, then the steady beeping of the ringtone. Hana ran through the conversation in her head.
Everything's fine. With her, at least, I don't have to lie. Just apologize. Oh—and I should thank her.
The ringtone had already sounded several times.
Should I say something about yesterday?
Better not.
The tone and pauses between felt longer every time, while Hana grew more nervous with each beep. Eventually the voicemail kicked in and put her off.
Weird…
Hana pulled the phone away from her ear and stared at Lyra's profile picture. Why isn't she picking up?
First calling ten thousand times and then not answering.
Hana shook her head.
Typical. She's definitely sulking and ghosting me on purpose.
She started walking again, heading toward the bus stop.
The sun shimmered harshly on the streets of Osaka. Her parents' neighborhood was a lot nicer than her own. Not so cramped and tangled, instead greener, with a calm she wouldn't even find at three in the morning back home. Almost like another world.
One that had always felt foreign to her.
Once she reached the bus stop, Hana sat down. Then she pulled out her phone again to check the notifications.
No new messages.
What was usually a blessing — nothing from Rudi, nothing from her parents — made her uneasy right now of all times. Then the bus arrived.
During the ride, she stared out the window. Her gaze snagged on passing people, dogs, shops. None of it really distracted her.
Suddenly, a tug in her chest. One she knew far too well. Like her body was sending her a quick little fuck you.
Fuck you too.
…
Guess there is going to be another visit after all…
The moment she got off the bus, her steps got faster. The familiar detour. One she probably hated more than any other. And yet, not a single day went by without it.
The refrigerator in the air-conditioned gas station hummed irregularly, as if it was trying to give its regular customer recommendations.
Hana didn't care. She just needed something.
The golden bottles of Sapporo beer caught her eye. The stuff Lyra had brought her the night before.
Honestly way too soft… but I can just buy more, she convinced her thirst, somehow squeezing eight bottles between her fingers. A pack of gum too. Melon flavor.
At least it was a different cashier than earlier. His sluggish gaze only lifted when the bottles clinked, then drifted back to the items.
The familiar beeping of the register sounded several times.
Then the usual question.
"Bag?"