At some point, I realized that I had completed my part of the wedding preparations. Only Shego was still searching for a dress, constantly consulting with me. And all the while, she was being secretive, only to end up choosing a black and green dress anyway. To match her raven hair and emerald eyes, of course. And absolutely not because this uncultured villain thinks his assistant only wears those colors.
I, with absolute nonchalance, completely independently, like a true villain enacting Great Evil... ordered a black and green three-piece suit from Sergei Semenovich. Although, I think I was a bit hasty about the last part in this context. The vampire himself, who hadn't fully returned to his usual persona, seemed very happy with the work. Good thing he didn't charge me anything. It's sometimes hard to understand what's on his mind, but I, perhaps, understood him. A long existence as a recluse, and now friends, his role as a matchmaker, the wedding itself. For his black, black heart of a Creature of the Night, this was too much of a shock, albeit a pleasant one.
And while everyone was fussing around, various thoughts assailed me. The ethics of this wedding by the standards of my past world, for example. No, seriously, what lunatic would voluntarily agree to become a sentient cat? Although, I admit, many people have similar thoughts. And then to hold a wedding in that form. It smells of something out of science fiction and space opera, where human modification is something simple, ordinary, like breakfast. One, and you have more limbs. Two, and for breakfast, you have apples grown in a distant colony. Hmm... What was I talking about? Yes, Shego, that black and green dress suits you. How is it different from the last one? Um... the depth of its black-greenness? Ouch! Fine, I won't "think so loud."
Actually, I've only just realized how reckless and confident I was when I decided to change the world back then. In governments, contrary to popular opinion, there are rarely complete fools. And what was beyond their power, I decided to achieve alone. Well, with the support of my assistant and the League, to be precise. But diving into the details of my plans for the first time, I was ready to howl. The mere confrontation with the tax authorities regarding the employment of pensioners looked like a battle of the greatest villains. If the bank joins us, there will surely be a massacre.
Medicine and its sponsorship, ecology, unemployment, free education—all of this turned out to be much more difficult than it seemed. More accurately, with the help of inventions and some tricks, I really could solve the problems here and now. But it's like that parable: giving a man a fish. It solves the problem for a while, but it will surface again. I wanted to give the world a fishing rod so it would always be fed. Even if only on fish.
On the other hand, what Great Villain isn't ambitious? They all think big. They all want the whole World! Usually to conquer or destroy, though, not to save and improve... But I'm an unusual villain! I'm allowed to think this way. And if I present it as villainy, not help, then there won't be any problems. What boss would like it if everything he manages thrives right under his nose, but much better? Probably only the leadership of this world.
But that's not all. How can I even combine all this with my usual villainous activities? After all, my Name and reputation will ensure the League's support. And they will also serve as black, but still, PR for my persona. Right now, I am considered a rising villain star, albeit an incredibly strange one.
My thoughts were interrupted by a displeased look from my assistant. Obviously, I had drifted deep into my thoughts again, and the usual male "yeah, yeah" mode had failed. Thankfully, every villain has minions! Norman actively gestured, showing disapproval and the length of the dress. I reluctantly repeated him. Fortunately, my beloved was indeed dissatisfied with the length of that dress. Though I didn't understand why. But we, uncultured men, are far from a woman's understanding of beauty.
Everyone constantly told Ron that he needed to do something with his life, and he didn't object. He was firmly resolved to turn it into nachos. Preferably with the signature sauce.
— Ron! Don't plan anything for the weekend; we have a mission! — Kim announced commandingly as she approached him. And how, in situations like this, is he supposed to start changing his life? Not that he was against it, but he had been putting it off for so long.
— And what is it this time, Kim? Drakken stealing the Leaning Tower of Pisa? His plants' crusade? Perhaps the world's most dangerous golfer? — Ron asked listlessly. After all, gym class next was not cheering him up at all.
— What golfer? No, we're going to a wedding. A villain wedding! — she quickly corrected herself, realizing the ambiguity of her words and clearly blushing. Ron could only gape, like a fish washed ashore. Perhaps Doctor Lipskey was talking about this chance?
— Darn, I don't even know how you found out about it, but are you sure that crashing a villain-packed wedding as uninvited guests is a good idea?
— Ha, Drakken personally invited me! — she triumphantly shook the envelope with the invitation. Ron looked at her skeptically.
— Let's say he did. But what about it? I believe Drakken, of course, but the other villains probably wouldn't mind taking care of the heroes.
— The invitation guaranteed our safety in exchange for the bouquet, — Possible said mysteriously. However, confusion was clearly detectable in her voice.
— The bouquet? You mean the one the bride throws? — Ron blurted out, embarrassed. Could it be that Drakken, in carrying out some of his villainous plans, decided to help them too? Although the Sidekick didn't particularly believe in superstitions, after meeting Doctor Lipskey, he was convinced that many of them were quite true. Especially after Bill, their underachiever and bully, was refused cigarettes because he couldn't recite Gauss's law.
— It seems so. The main thing is that I catch it. With my skill, that won't be a problem! — Kim praised herself confidently. After all, she really was in excellent physical shape.
— Okay, let's assume that. But you haven't forgotten about Shego, have you? She seems quite close to Drakken, — Ron reminded her. The villain's assistant scared him far more, as she resembled a villain much more strongly. Plus, his father always told him to beware of jealous, powerful women. And that bouquet would definitely be the most terrible bone of contention that day. And that's not even mentioning the other villainesses with their inventions and capabilities. After that thought, Ron nervously swallowed his suddenly thick saliva.
— That shrew? Hmm, maybe you're right. Then, besides a bunch of surveillance equipment, I need to have a dress sewn. A battle dress. Preferably with electric protection, — she added to her words, rubbing her side that ached from the memory. After all, no one expected Drakken to use a taser.
— Good choice, Kim! — Ron was delighted by his friend's rational thoughts. Even his pet, Rufus, squeaked something joyful. After all, he really didn't want to rush into such a gathering of villains like a hero-kamikaze.
— And you need a suit. It's a good thing Drakken even sponsored us. Wade's homemade gadgets are good, but he has absolutely no fashion sense. So, today after school, we're going to look for a tailor, — Possible confirmed the plan. Ron could only agree. After all, say what you will, but that's why he liked his friend: always confident, never discouraged; knowing what to do in any situation.
***
— Did you me-ow-tice that in fairy tales, after the wedding, they write, "and that's the end of the story"? — my furry comrade was still restless.
— Oh, I also remember how to worry about my wedding. But it is worth it, — said my second friend with speech defects. And two eyes swollen deep black and purple. It seems someone decided to follow my advice after all. And judging by the fact that he's not in deep depression, but merely injured, I think he was forgiven. Well, after a continuous stream of curses, accusations, and a little violence. I was glad of Heinz's success, of course, but his black and purple face reminded us of the Sword of Damocles hanging over us and preventing us from enjoying the bachelor party. Yes, the ladies all shook their fists at us. Well, except for Sergei Semenovich. He was already blue with intoxication and slightly clean-shaven, and therefore pretended not to understand anything.
— And yet, Cheshire, you and Helga hit it off very quickly. I really am an excellent matchmaker! — I praised myself. Indeed, the girl from a family of poisoners and the brilliant scientist, rhetorician, and philosopher had been communicating quite a lot lately. While we were organizing everything, they managed to become good friends. I often noticed the slender girl quietly chatting with the cat lying on her lap. And although they didn't look like a pair of newlyweds at all, a mutual warmth was palpable. Honestly, my head is still spinning when I realize the whole plot of this wedding. But a different world, different rules, right?
— I re-me-ow-mber asking you to find me a girlfriend, not a wife. How did you-ow even go to such an extreme? Not that I'm unhappy. On the con-purr-ary, I'm happy.
— Well, I just thought it would be better to solve everything quickly and painfully, but once, rather than having to do this every year, — I shrugged flippantly. Yes. I married off my friend out of my own laziness. Am I a villain or what?
— Sometimes I don't un-purr-stand you at all, — Cheshire looked at me strangely, cautiously drinking, or rather, lapping milk. Yes, now he's also under the thumb. And although only Doofenshmirtz suffered, Helga's cold eyes spoke volumes. And Shego was practically searing me with a cautionary look. Well, we're not fools. Here we are, sitting around playing Villain Monopoly. Well, the one where the goal is not to win, but to make all the players fall out. Stealing from the bank, stealing property deeds for the streets. Well, in short, the original version of the game.
— As the m-most experienced, I will give you all s-some advice, — my third friend with a speech impediment hissed. However, he quickly cleared his throat from his flask and, glancing around, switched to normal speech. After all, he valued his Image, and therefore adhered to it practically everywhere. And only here could he allow himself not to. Although, maybe I should remind him of our matchmaking trip? — Being invited to a wedding, at the beginning of the celebration, while everyone is sober, choose in advance the most heinous face among the guests, which you will all then proceed to beat.
Cheshire and I looked at the old, wrinkled vampire with a very expressive gaze. Just the sight of him would make an uninitiated person want to drink. Rocket fuel, if possible. And even Doofenshmirtz, with his swollen eyes and seeing very little, hummed in agreement. The drunk vampire looked embarrassed.
— You'll be lucky if you're only beaten up. Villains have all sorts of things, you know. If I have to bail you out of the hospital, I'm going to tell everyone you were the Toastmaster, — I broke the awkward silence.
— Are you-ow all obligated to fight at my-ow wedding? — the cat asked wearily, moving his miniature token across the board and trying to grab everything from the general bank with his furry paw. For which he immediately paid the price, as I, Doctor Drew Theodore P. Lipskey, standing guard over law and justice, unceremoniously smacked his grabbing paw with a Gendarme card. Cheshire only hissed in response and, using a Bribe card, bought his way out.
— The most wicked, most insidious, and most unified villains of our time will gather at this wedding. We're practically family. So, provoking a fight will be difficult, but I'm a professional! — Sergei Semenovich was fired up with enthusiasm. Hmm, apparently, regardless of the world, Russian weddings will always be Russian weddings. Or maybe it's all the old vampire's fantasies.
— Don't worry, Sergei Semenovich. There will definitely be a fight. I invited the heroine! Although, they will only be fighting over one thing, — and a reproachful look at Cheshire. Serves that whiskered guy right! He only turned his muzzle away in response, as if to say it wasn't his idea. Apparently, the poisoner, burning with gratitude and wholeheartedly wishing the same for everyone, was behind this. Not that I was against it, but I considered myself a grounded person, and therefore was not going to rush events with such a superstition.
— I never see heroes before. Does the League handle them quite well? — in a way, he was right. Comical villainous failure met with no less comical heroic incompetence. And the outcome of the battle was quite difficult to call a victory for the heroes. I'm afraid if they announced one such victory to boost popularity and ratings, the League would immediately respond by publishing the facts of their failures. Well, or my videos, which I've stopped filming lately. Only Kim comes to me now; the other heroines only come by accident.
— Hard to say. I'd say we're evenly matched, — I concluded neutrally. After all, no matter how you look at it, the heroes, however terribly, were doing their job, not allowing the villains to do anything outlandish to the world.
Sergei Semenovich confirmed this with a displeased "hmmph," moving his bat token across the board. Unpleasant. He is the richest of us, and he landed on Doofenshmirtz's secret base; they'll shake so much money out of him now that winning will be impossible. I proudly pulled out the "Heroic Robbery" card and preemptively took some of the money myself. Damn, why do I have only hero cards?
***
Kim Possible stood confidently among the crowd of villains of all stripes and sorts. They were all dressed up, yet still sticking to their own styles. A Neanderthal with a gilded bone in his nose, scientists in pristine and ironed lab coats, a golfer in a scarlet kilt... A golfer?
She examined the unusual villain, but not noticing anything extraordinary, she simply tossed a tracking device onto the floor. The bug, fully living up to its name, unfurled its mechanical paws and ran toward the target. With nimble hops, like a flea, it climbed up the villain to settle in his beret. Kim smiled contentedly at the result and turned toward the buffet.
To her surprise, Ron was already floating face-down in the punch. His expression screamed: "Help!" Kim snapped to attention and quickly pulled her friend out of the drink, examining his numb face. Looking around and noticing some villainous couples in the exact same embarrassing situation, she quickly realized the problem was with the food. Obviously, some kind of poison. Although it was no wonder, considering whose wedding they were invited to. Possible quickly pulled out the first-aid kit she had put in her purse beforehand. What wasn't stored in those things? But a first-aid kit is a well-known and mandatory item. How else can a beautiful girl live in a world of ill-wishers? Especially if that girl is acquainted with the perfidious Drakken.
— I'm sure that Jens didn't just skimp on the food. He probably skimped on the photographers too, saying he'd just remember everything well, — her sidekick and comrade grumbled. After a therapeutic injection, Ron quickly recovered, and now he looked at the food with resentment and distrust.
— Stop stuffing everything into your mouth, and everything will be fine, — Kim rebuffed his complaints. After all, her friend was notorious for his desire to eat well.
At that moment, the ceremony master announced the start of the ceremony. Festive music began to play, and the guests dispersed to their seats. The first to emerge was... a cat? Kim looked at Ron in confusion, but he returned the same look.
— Maybe they let the cat go first? Anything can happen, — he said uncertainly. Nevertheless, the cat walked confidently to the altar, where he climbed onto a special pedestal. Now everyone could see that he was wearing a festive bow tie, which couldn't hide his sophisticated collar.
Soon, a battered Drakken tumbled out to join the cat. Yes, that word fits. He looked presentable: in a black and green suit, with a green tie, his hair even slicked back. Nevertheless, his face was slightly swollen, and a claw mark graced his right eye. He exchanged a greeting and a reproachful look with the cat and stood next to him. The crowd of villains merely chuckled knowingly, especially when someone from the audience shook a black and green-gloved fist at them.
The music changed, and little flower girls ran out onto the aisle. Only they were dressed in little devil costumes. And they were scattering not flowers, but banknotes and coins. Following them, the bride and her father finally emerged. Jens had exchanged his usual lab coat for a tailcoat, was cleanly shaven, and his hair stood up on end as if after an electric shock. In short, a mad scientist in ceremonial attire. He walked arm-in-arm with a slender, slightly pale, tall girl, dressed in a lush, but light wedding dress. They apparently decided to forgo the veil, due to the groom's... "catification." Her gaze initially seemed cold to Kim, but then she saw happiness in it. Yes, this was her day.
They approached the altar, the father let go of the bride and stood nearby, and the ceremony master, who looked more like a biker in a suit, began to deliver his speech. To Kim's surprise, it was quite ordinary and solemn and did not glitter with "villainous flair." With every word, the cat standing on the pedestal tried to fall over, but Drakken's quick pokes brought him back into line.
— Groom, do you agree to take this beautiful girl as your wife? Bride, witness, no prompting, — the ceremony master said, noticing the cat's condition.
— ...
— Why are you silent?
— According to the article of our Constitution, I may-ow not answer a question if it causes me damage, — the groom blurted out, for which he received an instant poke from Drakken and the bride. — Yes, I agree.
The ceremony master looked suspiciously at the bride, as if to say, "it's not too late to back out," but receiving an approving nod, he continued.
— And do you, Bride, agree to take this... stately cat as your husband? — he stumbled over the text, which someone, obviously the one in black and green nearby, had modified. — And to be forever turned into a cat to match him?
— Yes, I agree, — the bride spoke in a steady, but clearly happy tone.
The crowd rejoiced. The part with the rings was decided to be omitted due to the groom's condition, but no one objected. Kim and Ron stood puzzled, the villains rejoiced and shouted. Jens was either crying with happiness or was angry to the point of tears. Soon, the initial excitement subsided, and the villains began to congratulate the newlyweds. They even announced a competition for the best speech. What didn't they wish for: evil, cunning, wealth, inventions, power. Only the villain who suspiciously resembled the old vampire stood out. He got flustered and nervous while reading a congratulatory poem from a postcard he held with a trembling hand. And then he said: "Pah, I'll better s-say it in my own w-words," — and switched to obscene folk ditties. To Kim's surprise, Ron was among the well-wishers and actually won the contest, receiving the prize for "chief loudmouth."
The idyll continued until the bouquet toss. The male and married portion of the guests stayed to celebrate, but a sharp bloodlust was felt among the female guests. The villainesses drew cold weapons, their inventions, and Shego even ignited fire in her hands and growled ominously. The rest of the guests chose to tactfully ignore these nuances. Possible, catching Drakken's inviting gaze, swallowed her thick saliva and hurried into the crowd.
***
Translator's Note: So, I have, much to my regret, completed the translation.
Yes, there are NO more chapters. I assure you, you will NOT find them anywhere. I even extracted the paid chapters from the author's paid subscription. I've been following the author for about a year—there is no news, messages, or warnings. The original author has disappeared to who knows where and for how long.
There is a continuation BY A DIFFERENT AUTHOR, but many criticize it for losing the atmosphere of the original, the utopian feel. But still, this can be considered an ending of sorts.
If you really want me to, I can ask the other author for permission and translate their work, including chapters up to 25 (14 original chapters and an additional 11 chapters that conclude it, if I'm not mistaken), but I would mark it as a continuation by a different author.
In short, share your thoughts, and I'll finish up the other translation!