Chapter 18: The Phantom of Unrenewed Permits
When Ne Job heard the words "Department of Immortal Licensing," his first instinct was to run. His second instinct was to pretend he didn't hear them. Unfortunately, both instincts failed when Ao Bing's frosty glare pinned him to the spot like a celestial memo nail.
"You'll accompany me," Ao Bing said calmly. "Consider this… on-the-job training."
"Can I consider it unpaid trauma instead?" Ne Job muttered.
Assistant Yue smacked his shoulder with her clipboard. "Move, Intern. The faster we fix it, the faster you can go back to pretending to work."
---
Scene 1: The Haunted DMV of Heaven
The Department of Immortal Licensing was where gods, spirits, and deities renewed their divine operation permits every millennium. In theory, it was a simple process. In practice, it was purgatory with better lighting.
Rows of weary immortals stretched into infinity. Some held glowing license scrolls, others filled out Form 47-H ("Declaration of Ongoing Existence") with blank, hollow eyes. The smell of burnt incense and despair hung in the air.
Behind the main counter sat an elderly immortal clerk, snoring softly into a pile of expired licenses. Floating above her was a translucent ghost wearing a traffic officer's cap — its spectral mouth blowing an endless whistle.
"LICENSES EXPIRED! PERMITS INVALID! UNAUTHORIZED EXISTENCE DETECTED!" the ghost shrieked, swooping through the hall and stamping glowing "VOID" seals on everything that moved.
A poor thunder spirit tried to protest, "But I mailed my renewal last dynasty!"
The ghost zapped him into static and screeched, "MAIL IS NO EXCUSE!"
Ne Job winced. "Okay. So this one's louder."
Ao Bing folded his arms. "The Phantom of Unrenewed Permits. A residual fragment of divine enforcement gone rogue. It hunts anything with paperwork overdue."
"That's… most of Heaven," Yue muttered.
"Exactly," Ao Bing replied.
---
Scene 2: Tactical Disaster Planning
Lord Xian arrived moments later, already sweating. "Ne Job! Do you have any idea how bad this looks on our audit reports?!"
Ne Job looked around at the chaos. "I'd say… 'spectacularly catastrophic'?"
"Correct!" Xian snapped. "And that's not a compliment!"
The ghost swooped down, blowing its cursed whistle again. "UNAUTHORIZED PRESENCE DETECTED!"
It hovered right in front of Ne Job, its eyes scanning him up and down. "INTERN IDENTIFIED. LICENSE… PENDING!"
Ne Job gulped. "Pending? That doesn't sound so bad."
The ghost pulled out a glowing red quill. "PENDING MEANS YOU'RE NEXT!"
Ao Bing's sword appeared in a flash of cold light. "Stand back," he ordered. "Spectral enforcement entities are my department."
He lunged — but the ghost vanished into thin air, reappearing behind him, stamping VOID across the back of Ao Bing's audit badge.
Ao Bing froze. "...It voided me."
Yue slapped her forehead. "Perfect. The auditor just got audited."
Ne Job grabbed a stack of forms from the desk. "Wait! Maybe we can talk to it! Spirits like this obey paper logic, right?"
Lord Xian scoffed. "And what, you'll debate bureaucracy with a ghost?"
Ne Job straightened his posture, cracked his knuckles, and shouted,
"HEY, FORM-FREAK! I'M SUBMITTING A COUNTER-CLAIM!"
---
Scene 3: Bureaucratic Duel
The ghost spun mid-air. "COUNTER-CLAIM REQUIRES DOCUMENTATION!"
Ne Job held up a glowing form. "Form 99-R! Emergency Revalidation Request!"
The ghost's whistle faltered. "That form was discontinued in the Ming Dynasty."
"Exactly!" Ne Job said. "Which means it's outside your jurisdiction!"
Yue's eyes widened. "Wait—he's right!"
The ghost screeched, "IMPOSSIBLE! EVERYTHING FALLS UNDER MY JURISDICTION!"
"Then approve this!" Ne Job slammed the form onto the floor, stamping it with the Emergency Heavenly Seal of Reissue (the same one he definitely wasn't supposed to use again).
A shockwave of paperwork energy pulsed through the room. The filing cabinets trembled. The ghost staggered, flickering in and out of existence.
"NO… INVALID… YOU CANNOT—"
"Correction," Ne Job said, "I just did."
The ghost screamed, shredding itself into fragments of glowing stamps that burst like fireworks. Silence returned to the hall—broken only by a soft ding from the enchanted queue bell.
"Now serving number… infinity plus one," it chimed cheerfully.
---
Scene 4: Audit Fallout
Lord Xian slumped into a chair. "Do you realize what you've done, Intern?"
Ne Job grinned. "Saved the department again?"
"You've tampered with divine licensing law! That's an offense punishable by reassignment to the Department of Reincarnation Data Entry!"
Yue made a face. "That's the one with the endless spreadsheet, right?"
"Yes," Xian groaned. "The one that scrolls forever."
Ao Bing adjusted his now half-erased audit badge, still faintly glowing "VOID." "Technically," he said slowly, "the intern's action restored departmental order… even if through unconventional means."
Ne Job blinked. "Wait—you're defending me?"
Ao Bing nodded slightly. "The Bureau of Audit values results. But don't mistake that for approval."
"Right," Ne Job muttered. "Appreciated… I think?"
Yue looked around. "So… ghost's gone, room's quiet, nobody's screaming. We actually fixed it?"
The ceiling light flickered.
Then the intercom crackled to life:
> "ATTENTION STAFF: Unauthorized energy surge detected in the Department of Celestial Parking Permits. Possible chain reaction from license exorcism."
Ne Job paled. "Chain reaction?"
Ao Bing sighed. "Congratulations, Intern. You've destabilized the entire Licensing Sector."
---
Scene 5: Crisis… Upgraded
Moments later, alarms blared across the hall. Parking permit parchments floated up, glowing violently. Every divine vehicle — from thunder chariots to cloud scooters — began moving on their own.
Outside the department's windows, chaos erupted in the skies: divine oxen stampeding, phoenixes honking, dragons double-parking midair.
A flaming scroll smashed through the window and embedded itself in the wall.
On it, in huge red letters, were the words:
"PARKING PERMIT SUSPENDED. REAPPLY IMMEDIATELY."
Ne Job groaned. "You've got to be kidding me."
Yue rubbed her temples. "So… what now?"
Ao Bing drew his blade again, glowing faintly blue. "Now… we fix your mess."
"Technically," Ne Job said weakly, "it's the ghost's mess."
"Technically," Yue replied, "it's always your mess."
---
Scene 6: The Intern's Gambit
As the parking permits rained down like confetti of doom, Ne Job spotted a glowing terminal in the center of the hall. It read:
> 'Automated Renewal System v1.0 — WARNING: INFINITE LOOP DETECTED.'
He dashed toward it. "If I can override it, maybe we can stop the chain reaction!"
"Don't touch anything!" Lord Xian shouted. "That's ancient celestial tech!"
Ne Job had already touched it.
The screen blinked.
> 'Intern Access Detected. Authorization Level: None.'
'Would you like to proceed anyway?'
He clicked Yes.
The machine hummed ominously, then displayed a cheerful message:
> 'Congratulations! You have initiated System-Wide Renewal.'
The entire department froze.
Ao Bing's tone was dangerously calm. "Define… 'System-Wide.'"
Ne Job gulped. "Everything that has a permit just got renewed."
Lord Xian's jaw dropped. "You just reauthorized every single divine license since the dawn of time!"
From outside came a thunderous sound — ancient sealed carriages rumbling awake, forgotten gods clocking in for long-expired shifts, and one very confused war deity yelling, "Wait, I'm employed again?!"
Ne Job laughed nervously. "Good news: no more expired permits!"
Ao Bing's eye twitched. "Bad news: you've resurrected ten thousand outdated deities."
The building shook as something massive stirred in the clouds above.
Yue looked up. "Um… what is that?"
Ao Bing's gaze hardened. "That," he said quietly, "is the Supreme Parking Enforcement Spirit. It retired three epochs ago."
Ne Job's face went pale. "And now it's… back?"
The ceiling split open as a colossal figure descended, holding a glowing golden ticket that read:
"YOU'RE ALL PARKED ILLEGALLY."
Ne Job groaned. "I knew we should've taken the bus."
To be continued…