The pain shot through my mind, breaching every corner with an electric-like pulse.
I couldn't stop screaming. Because at that moment, it felt as if I had stopped screaming, then I'd have given way to the pain, and the pain would have completely dissolved my brain, and ultimately, destroyed every sense of me.
So I screamed aloud, my voice was distorted, and my ears only heard filtered gibberish that floated in the air. I couldn't open my eyes, because it felt like the world around me would come crumbling down the very moment I did.
So I held my head, grasped it tight, screaming as much as I could. Saliva dripped down from my open mouth, and I staggered, struggling to find my balance as my brain seemed to have forgotten the concepts of up or down.
Until…
Calm.
The world stopped spinning, and the pulsing pain stopped raging within my brain. In fact, it felt like it was never there, like it had never happened. As if all that occurred was but a mere figment of my imagination.
I was almost bedazzled. I unclenched my head, straightening my posture to find balance. My eyes were still closed, though.
Then slowly, I opened my eyes.
But what I met wasn't the cramped, stuffy room that I had grown accustomed to.
A cool breeze blew over my face, wiping off the sweat that had accumulated all over my neck and my forehead.
W–what?
The heat of the morning sun radiated directly on my head, like the sun itself was just a few inches above me.
What is this place?
How did I get here?
The confusion clawed at my soul, grasping my heart itself and shooting out a palpable feeling of unease that traveled toward my spine, and from my spine, spread throughout my entire body.
Around me, fields of greenery lay, stretching toward the vast expanse. The fields seemed endless. All the grass swayed rhythmically, brushed gently by the cool breeze that blew over this place.
"Where am I?" I voiced out.
Something was.. unusual about my voice; it felt different. Like it wasn't mine, but still mine at the same time. It sounded younger. More childish in its tone, like it belonged to an innocent kid that had never been through any suffering.
Is this my voice? It can't be. What exactly is this? A dream? Vision? Trance? It's highly uncomfortable.
I moved my neck, my gaze trailed, studying the environment in which I found myself.
And then, something spoke to me. Not physically. But inside my mind.
It was like one of those voices that always whispered in my ears whenever I smoked. But this one was different; it was crystal clear, like a thought that formed from the deepest part of my mind.
It said, 'Look at your hands.'
I felt like ignoring the voice. I felt like walking, taking a step forward from where I stood, and I felt like exploring the vastness of this field. But, I couldn't do any of that, because at that moment, the strongest feeling that overshadowed the rest was the feeling of looking down at my hands.
And so, I did. My heart blared its desperate signals, beating wildly inside my chest. I felt like grasping my heart to turn it off, like how one would do to an annoyingly ringing alarm.
I raised my hands, bringing them to eye level.
The weight of my arms was light. It didn't feel like the muscular tool I had spent years building.
And my eyes bore witness to that fact. For indeed, I raised the arms of a child.
A boiling feeling manifested deep within me. It stirred inside my stomach, brewing until it surged toward my arms, making them quiver.
That feeling wasn't really a feeling, actually.
It was a reaction.
One that I fought so hard to internally quell.
It was panic.
But before I could make sense of my situation, before I could even properly examine my body or process whatever was happening to me, I heard a voice.
This time, the voice wasn't internal, but it was an external one. And it was a familiar voice that I never thought I'd ever recognize.
–My boy!– The voice exclaimed in a hurried, excited tone. The sound of dashing footsteps accompanied the voice; it seemed like the source of that voice was running toward me.
My narrowed eyes widened subtly at that moment, my neck snapped, head pointed in the direction of the ringing voice.
My gaze met the sight of a masculine figure running toward me from the horizon of what I thought was an infinite expanse of grass.
The sunlight bathed him, outlining his thin, white, otherworldly robe that glimmered faintly.
And by the time my eyes met his, I fully realized it.
He's… a ghost.
The more he got closer to me, the more I inched backwards. My mind, soul and frail body couldn't process this, couldn't accept this.
Eventually, I stumbled upon a rock that was hidden in between the grasses whose heights were at my calf level.
I fell, butt first on the destroyed grass. My hands touched the grass around me, and then I clenched the soil, my fingers digging deeper into it.
I was almost petrified, but for some reason, I could move. My mouth was agape, and even as I was on the ground, I tried to scurry backwards.
"G-get away from me!" I managed to protest as he inched closer; his warm grey eyes were like his lips, smiling.
My jaws trembled, knees quivering as I slowly kept moving backwards.
As he arrived, he crouched slightly, supporting his waist by putting his left hand on his left knee. And he extended his right hand toward me.
I froze for a moment; my eyes were the only things that moved in my body. And they stared intently at the man's outstretched arms.
–Stand up, silly. That's enough hide and seek for today.– He spoke with a warm voice. A calm, soothing voice that seemed to dismantle the wide array of negative thoughts and fears that filled my mind.
His long black hair swept over his cheeks, and his bangs dangled freely as the wind blew.
"Okay," I replied, moving a right hand of my own to meet his. "Dad."
I had forgotten him, I had forgotten that oval-shaped face of his, and his wide, warm smile that never faded. The way his gaze hovered on me, filled with love, something that I had forgotten too.
I thought I had forever forgotten this.. This memory of my dad, of my life before the backlands. I couldn't even remember anything from before I was eight years old. It was like a thick fog had blocked my memories.
His warm, firm palms grasped mine firmly. They were a bit rough, calloused. But they felt like home. Like where I wanted to be.
He raised me. And I stood up. He dusted the bottom side of my shorts, cleaned the bits of grass and sand that clung to the back of my shirt. Then he said, –Come, let me tell you something that I have always wanted to tell you.–
He held my hands tenderly, and I grasped his tightly, walking beside him. He was taller than me; I barely reached his waist. His shoulders stood tall, like he carried the weight of the entire world on them.
We arrived at a free area where no grass grew. A sandy spot. And we sat there, under the golden glow of the now setting sun.
–Do you know your name?– He asked.
I nodded. "Of course, I do. That's a weird question." I replied. My heart felt at ease at that moment, my body moved on its own, my words seemed to come out by themselves, like they were following an already set-up script.
I see. So, it's a memory. Of something that actually happened. But, I don't really remember ever being in this place. In fact, I don't remember anything from before I turned eight at all.
–Yes, you do. But, do you know the meaning of your name, Stel?–
I shook my head. "No, I don't. What.. is it?" I tilted my head, my wide eyes stared straight at the side of his head.
He was looking up at the sky. And that warm smile he always carried never faded.
Then, he turned to look at me.
–Your name, Stella. It means… Do you know what a star is?–
"No, never heard of that."
–Right. You haven't,– He chuckled softly, patting my head. –You weren't born during the ages of the stars, and sadly, neither was I. But I did my research, and I found out that the stars were... bright, twinkling lights that used to hang up in the skies, until…" He paused, blinking as he stared at me.
"Until what?" I asked, my voice had a shrilly flair to it. A really annoying one.
As he saw my annoyed expression, he burst out in laughter until he eventually calmed down.
–I don't know. I just know that a war occurred, and during the course of that war, which lasted centuries, the stars died. They were destroyed.–
"Ohhh," I exclaimed.
–You see, the stars were really bright. People used to look up to them; sometimes, men who were lost looked up to them to find their way. Even our 'sun,' — a star, albeit an artificial one — it shines down on the entire world, helping everyone.–
How did this man expect a kid to understand his words?
Dad…
A faint smile tugged at the sides of my lips.
–You're smiling? Great. You should be. Because, according to an ancient language that we humans once spoke, Stella means Star.– He said, –You are a Star. You are a…–
Huh?
What?
His voice began to distort, his words began to glitch. And his smiling face contorted into different shapes, the colors in his face were like those of bleeding ink.
Suddenly, that harrowing pain echoed within my mind once again. And I held my head once more, my jaw trembling in pain.
–Remember, Stel. You are a star. You are the reason I left… $&#&–
His words kept distorting, warping.
I shut my eyes tight, gritting my teeth to endure the pain.
And the last word I heard before the calm was, –Li-Song.–
Then…
Calm.
I opened my eyes once more.
And I saw my room.