A place, March 1940
I couldn't believe seeing him there, here, right in front of me. I barely dared to move, still in shock. He stood up and picked me up to sit me down on the chair.
—You've changed.—Oh really, you think so? I said sarcastically.—What did they do to you?—I don't know, they put me to sleep.
His hands seemed to tremble as he ran them through his shaved hair. Seeing him a little closer, I realized his sad expression. This was no longer the Heinrich I had known; his eyes had lost that spark that had drawn me so much months earlier.
—I'm so sorry.—Sorry?—I didn't know they did it to the younger ones too.—Did what? What are they doing?—They probably sterilized you, I'm sorry.
This information knocked the breath out of me as if I were drowning. I wasn't going to have children because of them. I could barely breathe, but I didn't want him to see it.
—Why are you here?—I had to get my hand treated, I got shot a week ago.—Alright, sit down.
The urge to vomit rose with every movement. I was thinking too much. And then what's the point of thinking about the future knowing I'm here, imprisoned.
—I'm really sorry, Ruth, that you're enduring all this.—Stop talking.
His hand was treated. I somehow wanted him to stay with me. Without realizing it, it relieved me to be with someone I knew, despite the circumstances of this meeting in such a depressing place. I was afraid. The moment he walked out that door, everything would go back as if nothing had happened. I had had, for an instant, a pause in this hell.
—Goodbye Ruth.
No glance. The only feeling that came to me was sadness. I wanted him to stay by my side, to protect me, comfort me, reassure me. I was motionless, my feet glued to the floor. Without realizing it, my mouth was full of liquid, metallic tasting. I ran to a sink. A huge quantity of blood had just come out of my mouth. My gaze slowly lifted to the mirror. I didn't look like anything anymore. I was horrible. I am horrible. The sensation of short hair between my fingers disturbed me. My cheeks were very hollow from lack of nutrition, dark circles encircled my eyes, and I won't even mention my body odor which surely surpassed the nauseating smell of corpses, because I was already almost dead. I couldn't even cry, or rather I didn't know if I was sadder or angrier.
—YOU!
My eyes fixed on the silhouette appearing in the mirror.
—Back to work instead of staring at that damn mirror.
The next day.
My gestures became a habit. I was always in the same place to receive the soldiers, always the same dialogue from me — meaning nothing at all — unlike them, who sometimes insulted me or acted violently. I had even been slapped for no reason. But is a slap so shocking? It could even be a caress and I wouldn't feel the difference — at least from them.
—Hi.
My breathing stopped. He was there, once again.
—I thought you were gone, what are you still doing here?—I signed up in this unit, and I wanted to see you.—But why? Do you realize what you'll have to do to these people, to me?—I know, but I'll be in another section. I didn't want to choose a section that would harm you.—You know that changes nothing. Even if you're not in that section, they'll still hurt me.—Yes, I know, but what do you want me to do? I have no choice.—Then why are you here, in front of me, are you hurt?—No I…—Then get out of here. I don't want more trouble than I already have.—Ruth, I wanted…—Heinrich, please.
He left, leaving me in confusion over his gesture. Why come see me, why come into this section, here. What was he looking for? For now, all I wanted was to have a moment of peace without having to think about what to say and do in fear of being shot. My body can no longer bear its weight even though I weigh almost nothing, and I keep pushing away these suicidal thoughts. I don't want to end it here, but I don't want to keep going like this either, like a piece of human waste.
After my work, it was time for me to return to the dormitory, to prepare to sleep.
—Do you think we'll get two pieces of bread this time, since we worked well? asked the girl next to me.—I don't know at all, I hope so.
We were all standing in front of our beds, hands clasped, waiting for our meager meal that would leave us hungry until the next, always with the same hope of getting one simple piece more. My hands filled with a piece of bread. I expected it but still hoped for a little gesture to thank us for our work, but even that we were not entitled to.
The meal passed in a tomb-like silence. No one dared to move or even breathe for fear of being shot. I don't even know how long I've been here. I can't even tell the days apart anymore, so might as well think about something else. Sleep took me, silence gave way to my dreams or nightmares.
The next day.
Waking up was hard, I won't lie, but I hadn't slept so well in so long. Not because the bed was comfortable but because Heinrich was with me, in a peaceful place. My hair had kept its length while Heinrich had the same eyes as the very first moment I met him. For an instant I believed it. I even felt safe. Heinrich held me in his arms, and I took a deep breath, as if my subconscious had prepared for this brutal awakening to reality.
And here I am again in front of this mirror showing me the real me, or at least the one I thought already gone. I wait for the arrival of soldiers. Time seems long without being so at the same time. This dream really put me in doubt. It makes me angry to have believed it.
—Hi pretty one, how's it been?
My body tensed. It was him. It was really him. Jeff. The one who almost destroyed me even more than I already was.
—Still not talking?
I turned and looked at him as if my life depended on it. I analyzed his every movement down to the last centimeter of hair. Black eyes, as if he couldn't see colors. Very thin lips, making me think he prefers to act rather than bring words. And his hands, so, so damaged, so disgusting, it looked like he had dipped them into a thorn bush.
—I need a little favor, and your help is indispensable, he added with a sly smile.
He grabbed my hands.
—I think I have a little problem, right here.
My hands found themselves on his pants. I pulled them back as quickly as he stood up to push me against the wall.
—No, please.—Oh, but you're talking, what a miracle.—Please, let me go.—Shut up. Turn around.
I begged him with my eyes so hard that tears fell.
—I said turn around.
My head turned toward the wall, his hand pressed against it, my face was wet. I felt his hands lift my skirt for the second time, then I remembered the promise I made myself. I grabbed the scissors on the shelf while he continued to rub himself on me. I felt the cold metal between my hands and plunged it into his stomach. Not deeply but enough to hurt him.
—AHHH you bitch, why did you do that!
He grabbed me by the neck so hard that I felt my breathing slow more and more. With my last breath, I managed to push it in deeper. He groaned in pain. He let go of me, I fell directly to the floor exhausted by the effort. He looked at me with eyes so dark that I felt I could guess what he was capable of.
Suddenly a violent pain came from my stomach. He was kicking me without restraint. I almost felt his foot inside my body. It hurt so much that I couldn't move a single finger. The only thing that moved were my tears sliding down my skin. I couldn't even scream in pain because I feared it would make things worse.
He stopped his kicks to grab me by the shirt. He lifted me so easily that I felt my feet leave the ground. He pulled the scissors from his belly to plunge them into my lower abdomen. I felt the tip of the scissors reach one of my organs. I screamed inside, and I cried outside. And him, he had taken out his sex to continue what he had started. He was still holding me by the shirt but this time my feet were on the ground. If he hadn't been holding me, I would have fallen to the floor and let myself bleed out on the cold ground.
Before he could continue, another soldier appeared in the room. I couldn't see who it was but he probably prevented me from being raped. My head against the floor, the silhouette of the unknown soldier approached as my eyes closed from exhaustion.